


Always

by JamieJam93



Category: One Direction
Genre: Amnesia, Closeted Character, M/M, hurt!louis, references of past depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-05-17 17:16:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 85,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5879116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamieJam93/pseuds/JamieJam93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thousands, if not millions, of fans had been right. Harry and Louis had been in love and together for four whole years. They were 'the dream team'; the couple that made others sick while simultaneously envious.</p>
<p>But thousands of fans had been right about something else too. The pressure had been too much. The fame had been too much. The closet had been too much, and, four years after the pair swore to each other that nothing could break them on the night of their first kiss in 2010, they broke up.</p>
<p>Fast forward to 2018, on the night of One Direction's last ever concert, and Harry has yet to move on. It's not as sad as it seems-he still lives his life and, for the most part, he's happy-but he knows that Louis was his one true love and is trying to prepare himself for a life completely without the other when an accident erases Louis's mind of all of his memories. In reliving the moments with him, trying to make him remember, Harry comes to find that maybe he never really forgot them at all and maybe, like him, he hadn't moved on either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ok! So, originally, I was going to write this whole thing before I posted, but I am terrible at finishing things if I don't have motivation, which I would lose without posting as I go. With that being said, I will finish it now that I'm posting, I promise, and characters and tags may be added as I go on, but I will be sure to let you all know if and when I add something!
> 
> Also, if you for some reason are reading this before you read tags or story summary, this fic deals with retrograde amnesia. I am not an expert on the subject by any means, and I've done a bit of research to make it mostly believable, but I do have to play around with the topic a bit for the storyline (just like most movies and books on this issue.) Like I said though, I have attempted to not make it too far-fetched. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

The day had arrived. The day fans dreaded, as well as the boys, whether anyone believed it or not; the day of One Direction's final show. Well, so far, it was planned to be their final show. Maybe someday they would do a reunion tour, once they were so old and washed up that no one really cared about them anymore; at least as a band. All of the boys had plans for the next chapters of their lives, and Harry knew all of his best friends would go far, but the success of their solo pursuits may mean the loss of a reputable 'boy-bander' title, and that was okay. They had lived that dream and it was time to move on. They were ready to move on.

That didn't mean that it didn't hurt at least a little, though.

The past eight years of their lives had been filled with extreme ups and unbelievable downs, but they wouldn't trade it for anything.

Well, Harry may trade it all for just one thing. Or, more accurately, for one person. Louis.

Thousands, if not millions, of fans had been right. Harry and Louis had been in love and together for four whole years. They were 'the dream team'; the couple that made others sick while simultaneously envious.

But thousands of fans had been right about something else too. The pressure had been too much. The fame had been too much. _The closet_ had been too much, and, four years after the pair swore to each other that nothing could break them on the night of their first kiss in 2010, they broke up.

To date, that had been the most painful experience of Harry's life and, no, he wasn't being dramatic. Louis was his first love and, so far, his only love, and he'd honestly tried to move on. He went on a handful of dates. There was even one guy whom he'd texted regularly for three whole weeks, but none of them gave him the same kind of feelings that Louis had given him since day one.

Louis had gone on dates too, Harry knew, but none of his ever seemed to stick either. Sometimes, Harry thought about asking if, by staying apart, they were just wasting time and moments that they could be happy. He never did, though, because Louis hadn't been happy as they neared the end of their relationship. In the time since, he'd started smiling and laughing again, and not the fake laugh that he was notorious for, but the full laugh that seemed to come from his soul and light up his entire being. He'd started going out again instead of staying shut in his bedroom, hotel room or tour bus. He regained most of the weight that he'd lost during the times the pressure and anxiety were just too much and he couldn't eat.

In short, Harry may still have his heart broken day after day whenever he was reminded of what he lost, but Louis was fine; thriving, even, and that was really all that mattered. Harry loved him, so as long as he was happy, Harry could accept what happened.

That didn't mean he wouldn't change it if he could.

But he couldn't, so Harry now had to accept the fact that it was _really_ over. Their relationship ended long ago, but with the end of the band came the end of the possibilities that a miracle would happen and Louis would realize they had been wrong to end things. Once Harry was out of sight, he was sure to be out of mind too. For Louis, it would probably almost be like he never even met Harry. The best four years of Harry's life would be like an old, distant movie with a bittersweet ending to Louis, who would move on completely.

So, yeah, Harry was in a bit of a state that day, but they all were, so no one thought anything of it.

“You're going to be okay, the whole lot of you,” Zayn promised after five whole minutes of complete silence from the band backstage. The former member had come to the last show for moral support, and also to surprise fans by joining the other four for a couple of songs. It was exciting, and Harry couldn't wait, but then, he also could, because Zayn's appearance onstage would signal the nearing end of the last show. It would signal the end of the band and the life Harry had known for the past eight years.

“Yeah,” Liam said simply in reply to Zayn's assurances, and Zayn put an arm around his shoulder, not saying anything else, just offering his comfort.

“Alright, this is all the silence I can handle,” Louis announced, standing up and pulling on his jeggings to un-bunch them. “I'm going out back to play some footie. Who wants to join?”

For a few moments, no one moved or said a word, seemingly perfectly content with staying in and feeling sorry for themselves, but, finally, Niall stood as well.

“Alright. I'm in.”

Louis smiled, looking relieved that he wasn't going to be forced to go out and kick a football by himself. Of course, Harry probably would have volunteered himself before he let that happen. Louis wasn't the type to be alone- _shouldn't_ be alone-and so he would take one for the team if need be. Fortunately, it didn't come down to that.

Harry was glad. He really was.

“Great,” Louis said as Niall went to stand by him. “Anyone else?”

Zayn tapped Liam on the shoulder that his hand was resting on and after a moment of debate, Liam gave a single nod.

“Okay. Sure.”

Louis's smile grew wider as Zayn and Liam stood and stretched.

“Wonderful. Hazza?”

Harry actually started at the old nickname. Louis used to use that more than his actual name, but that died along with their relationship. The reappearance of it sent Harry back, and he almost forgot that the best times of his life were over. He almost forgot that Louis wasn't his anymore; that it would not be appropriate to respond to his question with a, 'Yes, boo bear,' and then a kiss and a slap on the bum.

And, oh yes, Louis had asked him a question.

“What?” Harry said, holding his breath against the pain that came along with the harsh reality of the real time and situation.

“Are you going to join us for football?” Louis said. Oh. Right. Football.

“I know it's not your thing,” the older boy continued, “but it beats staying in here and staring at a wall all alone, yeah?”

“Um, yeah. Sure,” Harry answered, the last to stand. Louis smiled once again. Harry's heart raced. It wasn't fair that Louis could still do this to him. He wanted to sue. He wanted to sue Louis for all the kisses he could give.

Harry was pathetic.

“Okay then, lads; off we go!”

***

Though he'd dated Louis for four years, Harry either hadn't picked up on, or had forgotten everything about, the game of football. He knew the basic rules, of course, but he was sure that Louis had let him in on tips and tricks during one of their many late-night practice sessions they had when Louis had too much on his mind and couldn't sleep. It scared Harry that he forgot, not because he gave a damn about the sport, but because what else would he forget about Louis? What would Louis forget about him?

(What had he already forgotten?)

The boys teased Harry for how awful he was, as usual, but Harry didn't mind. It was all in good fun and, besides, he was bloody terrible, he could admit it.

Louis didn't do much of the teasing and smiled instead, always looking like he wanted to give Harry another small lesson, but then shaking his head, turning around and shouting something or another at one of the other boys.

Soon-Harry wasn't sure if it was too soon or not soon enough, and then wondered why he was even thinking of it that way-the boys were ushered inside to get in their first outfit for the night, as well as get their hair and make-up done. That was when the nerves really started to set in. Harry always got nervous before shows-all of the boys did-but it had been a long time since he'd gotten the sick- feeling kind of nerves. He didn't get sick, though, and instead just wanted to cry. He didn't do that either.

“You good?” Louis whispered to him as they stood in line, waiting for the cue to go up onstage in about thirty seconds or less.

Harry nodded. “You?”

Louis nodded as well, and Harry wasn't quite sure he believed him, but as he hadn't told the whole truth either, he didn't press it. He wouldn't have had time even if he'd wanted to because in the next moment they were being told to 'go, go, go' and they were all (minus Zayn, for the time being) following Liam out like little ducklings.

“London!” Liam shouted, but the end of the word was drowned out by the screams, cheers and whistles. The noise seemed to actually blow Louis away a bit because he fell back into Harry, who put a supportive hand on his back and offered a smile when Louis turned to presumably apologize. Instead, he just gave a nervous smile in return to the slight grin Harry was giving him.

“You're okay,” Harry said. Louis nodded.

He would be okay, Harry knew, and so would Niall and Liam, and even himself. He wasn't sure the ache he felt in his chest right now would ever really go away, but he would still be okay. He had no other choice.

***

Despite the high emotions, or maybe even because of them, the concert was unlike any other. It was amazing. The boys performed at top-notch, the crowd gave at least two hundred percent and not a single thing went wrong.

When Zayn came out, the audience screamed louder than Harry had ever, ever heard them before, but that was a good thing because they muted out the choked sob that came from Harry’s throat before he'd even had time to cover his microphone.

By the time they all took their places, holding hands, for their final bow; the order being Niall-Liam-Harry-Louis-Zayn, Harry was actually shaking a bit. He didn't feel bad though, because when the curtains closed, only somewhat masking the piercing screams and cries, Harry suddenly had an arm full of Louis, who was shaking too. Squeezing his eyes shut-this was both a nightmare and a dream-Harry lifted Louis off his feet and the smaller man wrapped his legs around his ex-boyfriend's middle and buried his face in the crook of his neck, the way he'd always done back when Harry was the one he'd sought for comfort.

“It's okay,” Harry tried.

“But it's over,” Louis said. Harry wondered for a moment what exactly he meant before reaching the conclusion that he was talking about the band. _Of course_ he was.

“It's just the beginning for something else,” Harry told him. Louis simply held onto him tighter, and Harry swore he felt hot moisture against his neck. He swallowed against the lump in his throat.

Soon-and it _was_ too soon that time-Louis and Harry's families had arrived backstage and were standing in the near distance, giving their sons and brothers strange, curious looks. Harry wanted to just turn his back on them and walk away until he found somewhere he could lay Louis down and kiss him all over until he stopped crying and started giggling instead, his fingers intertwining through Harry's curls as he tugged lightly on them and softly demanded, 'Undress me, baby.'

But even if Harry turned and walked away, the rest of the scenario wasn't going to happen, so Harry set Louis down instead, pretending he noticed nothing when Louis quickly wiped his eyes.

Without another word, Louis forced a smile and walked away from Harry to join his family, and Harry moved to join his.

“You all good, little bro?” Gemma asked, pulling him into a hug.

“All good,” Harry said, trying to remember how to breathe properly.

***

“Liam, we are _not_ watching Batman!”

“Come on, Lou! It's the last chance you have to watch it with me!”

“You're not dying, Liam, and neither am I. If I ever get the strange urge to watch 'Batman,' I'll be sure to hunt you down first.”

“Shouldn't we be getting ready for Simon's party instead of just laying here, watching a film?” Zayn asked from the living room floor of Liam's London penthouse.

“I'm not going,” Liam informed him.

“What? But the party is for you guys.”

“Why would I want to celebrate that it's all over? It was time, and I get that, but it's not like I want to party because it's over.”

“We're not partying because it's over,” Niall said. “We're partying as a 'fuck yeah, that was a great damn eight years and we deserve to be proud of ourselves.'”

“I'd rather watch 'Batman,'' Liam mumbled.

“No, Zayn is right,” Louis said, getting up from the spot on the couch, where he'd been curled up like a damn cat. “We need to go out and celebrate tonight.”

“And 'Batman' tomorrow,” Zayn promised.

“Fine,” Liam sighed dramatically, holding his hand out for someone to pull him from the floor. As Louis was the only one standing, he went to help, the others standing then too.

All of their luggage was at Liam's place, as they'd all agreed to sleep over there for one last night together, so each boy dug into their respective suitcase, trying to find an outfit to wear before heading to various bathrooms and bedrooms to change. Once they all met back in the living room, they smiled approvingly at each other.

“Does someone want to call the cab?” Zayn asked.

***

Simon must have invited everyone on his block to the party, because that was the only way Harry could conceive him getting away with all of the noise. It wasn't only the music blasting through both the indoor and outdoor speakers; it was people screaming as they got splashed in the pool, people cheering for themselves as they successfully downed shot after shot and people laughing much too loudly, way too intoxicated to realize that what they were laughing at probably wasn't all that funny.

Though it was 'their' party, the (ex) boy-banders were the least drunk of anyone, and so they stuck together for a good while, listening, half amused, to slurred congratulations and stupid, overused jokes about them all going in different directions.

“If I hear that line one more time, I may actually jump off the balcony,” Liam commented as the latest jokester went on their way, giggling to themselves.

“Just make sure you land in the pool,” Niall said.

“And take your phone out of your pocket,” Zayn added.

“Don't belly-flop,” Louis said. Liam rolled his eyes.

“You guys are bigots.”

Without another word, the singer made his way through a sea of bodies, leaving his friends chuckling behind him.

“Alright, I'm well over-due for another shot,” Niall decided, and he left too. Zayn followed. Louis watched them go, smiling, before doing the 'come here' finger to Harry and leading him to the kitchen, where they were blissfully alone.

Harry hadn't been alone with Louis in nearly four years. His heart picked up speed again.

“Much better,” Louis sighed contently as he hopped onto the counter, his legs swinging out in front of him. “Now it's quiet.”

“Since when do you care about the quiet?” Harry asked with a small smile as he leaned back against the other side of the counter, where he could still see his ex-lover.

“I care about it lots when I want to talk and the background noises rudely interrupt.”

“You want to talk?” Harry asked, and he actually thought his heart skipped a beat then.

“Yeah,” Louis said simply.

“Okay. About what?”

“Well...I know it's been years, Harry, but I just wanted to apologize for how it all ended.”

Oh. They were talking about _them_ then. Harry had wanted this for so long, but now that it was happening, he was terrified. He kind of wanted to throw up again.

“It was both of us, Lou,” Harry said. “And neither of us too. It was out of our control, really.”

“Yeah, but we didn't even stay friends afterward, Harry.”

“I know,” Harry sighed. “It's not that I didn't want to, it was just hard because-”

Harry was interrupted by the sound of shattering glass, and both of them froze, straining their ears. Above the music, they could hear shouting, and Harry wanted to ignore it and keep talking-this could be his and Louis's moment, damn it-but Louis sighed and hopped off the counter.

“To be continued,” he said to Harry with a mildly annoyed quirk of the eyebrow before heading to the other room to see what the ruckus was about. Holding in a sigh, Harry followed, soon coming across a couple of drunk strangers going at it. Some people who had apparently never finished secondary school were even yelling 'fight, fight, fight,' and Louis rolled his eyes, Harry just knew it.

“Oi, lads, what's going on here?” he asked, grabbing one of the men and pushing him behind his smaller body. The other man could probably pick Louis up like he was a rag doll and continue on his fight, but something about Louis's stance caused both of them to freeze, the people around them becoming silent.

“Well?” Louis prodded. He reminded Harry of a teacher breaking up a fight and he smiled, endeared.

“Just personal stuff,” the man in front of Louis muttered.

“Yeah? Well then how's about you take care of it on your personal property instead of someone else's party where people are trying to have fun?”

The two brawlers stared each other down for a good few seconds.

“This isn't over,” the one behind Louis finally said, turning and making his way outside. The other stormed the opposite way, towards the drinks, where he had probably spent a majority of the night. Rolling his eyes again, Louis made his way back to stand in front of Harry and offer a little smile.

“Aaaanyways, where were we?”

Harry was about to eagerly remind him that they had been discussing their relationship, and the end of it, and hopefully reconciling, but he had barely even had time to take a breath before they were interrupted again.

“Tommo!”

Niall bounced over, throwing an arm around Louis, who had to move quickly in order to support him and keep him from tumbling to the ground.

“That was amazing!” Niall continued, slurring, and, seriously, how many shots did he have? Harry decided that it didn't matter; there was no excuse for interrupting the conversation he and Louis had been trying to have. There may just be another fight before the night was over.

“I didn't do anything, Nialler,” Louis said with a laugh.

“You're a hero!” Niall insisted, pretending to swoon.

“You're an idiot,” Louis commented. Niall laughed, getting back steady on his feet with the help of his friend.

“Come outside with me,” Niall said, and Harry nearly squawked in indignation. “Liam is kicking arse at arm wrestling and push-up contests and I think Zayn is about to cream himself!”

“That would be something to remember,” Louis said as Niall grabbed his hand and started pulling him to the door. Louis glanced over his shoulder, checking to see if Harry was following, and smiled when he saw that he was.

They soon found Liam in the grass, sweating up a storm, but in much better shape than his component, who looked about ready to faint. Niall hadn't been lying, because Zayn looked as if he might faint too.

“Go, Payno!” Louis hollered before howling. Liam didn't break concentration. Zayn didn't either.

When his component finally collapsed, Liam looked over before allowing himself to collapse too.

“Liam wins, twenty-five to nineteen!” the guy who had apparently been keeping score announced. Everyone cheered, and Zayn rushed forward to kneel by his best friend's side, shaking his shoulder and congratulating him with a smile while still looking concerned.

“Fancy a go with me, Liam?” Louis asked once his friend finally got back to his feet with the help of Zayn.

“Louis, that was the fourth person whose arse I've kicked,” Liam said, his breath somewhat hitched. “I need a break.”

“Aww, you're no fun,” Louis said.

“You deserve a shot!” Zayn announced, patting Liam's bicep and causing a pained yell, which made the whole of them jump.

“Sorry,” Zayn said.

“My arms,” Liam cried. Zayn giggled.

“Come on.”

The five former band mates went to the drink bar, where Zayn picked up a shot of Liam's favorite drink and held it to the other man's lips. Liam didn't drink much these days, but had recently gone back to allowing himself a shot here or there, only for the biggest occasions.

“On the count of three,” Zayn said, and proceeded to count and help Liam take his shot.

“Congrats, Payno,” Louis said. “Now if you don't mind, I'm going to step inside for a bit.”

Louis nodded to Harry, who nearly became dizzy with adrenaline. The exchange didn't go unnoticed, and Niall's mouth made a tiny 'oh' of understanding.

“Alright. You pair have fun!” he commented. Louis smacked him gently upside the head.

Louis and Harry fell in step with each other on the way back inside, and Harry had to strongly fight the urge to grab the other's hand.

Right before they got in, an angry shout from by the pool made them turn. It was the two drunks from earlier, going at it again.

“Seriously?” Louis groaned, taking a step forward. Harry touched him fleetingly on the wrist, and then flushed.

“Just leave it,” he said, taking his hand and shaking it as if the touch had burned him.

“They're going to kill each other,” Louis said as the seemingly more aggressive man pushed the other, who barely managed to stay on his feet.

Harry barely held in his groan as Louis made his way to the fight, but he followed anyway.

“Again, mates?” Louis called, loud enough to be heard over all the other chaos. The fighting men looked to him, but they were apparently even angrier than before or drunker than before (maybe both) because they said something along the lines of 'this doesn't concern you' before the more aggressive one made a leap for the other again. Louis caught him by the shirt, and Harry was too far away to hear everything that was being said, but he saw the drunks flailing around, red-faced, as Louis tried to calm and separate them both. It appeared to be a losing battle and Harry was just heading over to either see if he could help or drag Louis away when _it_ happened. The accident. The tragedy. The thing Harry would play over and over in his head, thinking of every way it could have been prevented.

Louis had a hold of the smaller man, who, though he was smaller, was the more aggressive and seemingly the stronger one, and, with a shout that even sent Louis shrinking back, the drunk ripped his arm from the singer's grasp, knocking him in the face with his elbow and sending him off-balance. If they weren't there, right by a pool where people had been splashing around all night, it wouldn't have been such a disaster, but the wet pavement made Louis unable to catch his balance and he lost his footing, which sent him toppling into the pool, hitting the front of his head on the side of it before his limp body hit the water. Harry didn't hear the crack over the music and the shouts, but he saw it (he wished he didn't), and he screamed. _That_ was heard, and the party seemed to fall silent, everyone turning to see what happened, but Harry was already running to the pool, chanting Louis's name over and over, though whether out loud or just in his head, he wasn't sure.

Luckily, one of the party guests who had been in the pool at the time had acted quickly and was already lifting Louis from the water when Harry reached the poolside. Harry supported Louis from underneath his arms and dragged him a few feet away from the pool, laying him on the concrete. Someone else was shouting at him-Niall, he thought-but Harry couldn't focus on that right then. Louis was completely out, blood trickling down from the wound at the top of his hairline, and Harry dropped to his knees, not even feeling the pain as he checked Louis for a pulse and breathing pattern. Both seemed normal, but that didn't do too much to help Harry's nerves.

“Louis, Louis, Louis, wake up,” he pleaded, slapping the man's cheeks gently. Louis's facial muscles twitched, but his eyes didn't open. “Louis!”

“Is he okay?!” Zayn asked as he approached, but the sight before him answered the question. “Oh shit!”

He got out his phone and began to call an ambulance, presumably, but then Louis's blue eyes flickered open, rolling back as he winced and fought to keep consciousness, coughing up just a bit of water at the same time.

“Lou?” Harry asked. It was only then that he realized the music had been cut off.

“Haz?” Louis said, speech slightly slurred.

“Louis, fuck, are you okay?”

“I...think so?”

The singer started to sit up as more people gathered around to see what was going on. Harry ignored them and helped Louis upright.

“Did I hit my head?” Louis asked, reaching up to feel the sore spot, wincing when he touched it and drawing his hand away to see the blood on it.

“I'm calling the ambulance,” Zayn said.

“No!” Louis protested. “I'm fine.”

“Lou...you're proper bleeding from your head.”

“And you were just knocked out,” Harry added.

“I'm fine,” Louis insisted. “Give me some ice and bandages and I'll be good to go. What did I hit it on anyway?”

“The side of the pool.”

“Oh.”

Louis shrugged.

“Help me up?”

Harry and Zayn glanced at each other.

“How many fingers am I holding up?” Harry asked, turning back to Louis and holding out his hand with a few fingers up in the air.

“Seriously?” Louis asked.

“Yes.”

“Three.”

He was right. Slowly, Harry lowered his hand and Zayn reluctantly put his phone back in his pocket. Louis started to stand, and Harry quickly got to his feet to help. At first, Louis wobbled a bit, but then was steady again. He smiled at Harry.

“See? 'S all good.”

“I don't know, Lou,” Harry said.

“Well, I do.”

“Mate, I'm so sorry!” the man who had been responsible for this in the first place called. Harry wanted to punch him, but Louis offered a small smile.

“'S all good,” he said again.

“That might need stitches,” Harry commented, eyeing the cut.

“Let's just see, yeah?” Louis said, and before Harry could argue, “Come inside with me?”

As Harry was still supporting Louis somewhat by holding him around the waist, he had no choice but to argue or lead Louis inside, so he did the latter, at least for the time being.

Simon met them halfway to the back door.

“Louis, are you alright?” he asked.

“Good, Simon,” Louis said. “Ice?”

“Yes, yes, right this way.”

The pair followed him into the kitchen. Harry sat Louis in a chair and held a towel to Louis's bleeding head while Simon got the ice. Once that was being applied, the older man gathered a spare outfit along with gauze, bandages and tape and asked if there was anything he could do to help. Harry gave him a flat 'no,' which maybe wasn't right. Simon was only trying to help, but he'd done enough damage over the years for Harry to not trust him with Louis's health or happiness anymore. Simon didn't seem too bothered by it, though, and simply went to kick the two who had been fighting off of his property.

“I really wish you would go to a hospital,” Harry commented as he worked on bandaging up his ex-boyfriend's head.

“For what? So they can tell me I have a mild concussion, if that, and send me on my way?”

“You have always been so stubborn,” Harry sighed, remembering the many times he had to literally pick Louis up and drag him to the doctor's when he was sick.

“And always will be,” Louis said with a small smile.

“If you bleed through that, we're going,” Harry said, finishing off the wrap and setting the tape on the table.

“Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.”

“So what now?” Harry asked, wondering if this was a bad time to pick up their conversation from earlier. Probably was.

“Now I think I'm going to go home. Or, you know, back to Liam's place. I really don’t want to hear the question 'are you okay' five thousand more times tonight.”

“Lou!”

Niall's voice reached the kitchen before he did, but soon, he, Liam and Zayn were all there, staring at their friend worriedly.

“Are you okay?” the Irishman asked. Louis groaned.

“I'm perfect. Liam, do you think I could have the key to your pent so I can go back, though? I'm okay, but I think I've had enough partying for one night.”

“Of course,” Liam said, feeling in his pocket before saying, “Actually, we'll all just go.”

“No,” Louis said immediately. “The party is for us. Stay. Eat another piece of cake for me.”

“But, Lou, I don't think you should be alone right now,” Liam said.

“I'll go with him,” Harry volunteered right away. There was silence then, and, finally, Louis nodded.

“Yeah,” he said. “Harry will come with me.”

The other three boys glanced at each other before Liam dug into his pocket again, eventually pulling out the key to his penthouse.

“I'll stay up to let you lot back in,” Harry promised as he took the key from him.

“Don't worry about it,” Liam said. “We'll just use Zayn's key.”

“Zayn has a key to your place?” Louis asked, looking tired, but intrigued.

“Yes…,” Liam said, pointedly not looking at Zayn, whose gaze was fixed quite intently on him. Louis sighed dramatically.

“I know you two don't realize that you're soul mates yet, but please tell me that you at least know you're in love?”

Both of their faces reddened as Niall cackled. Louis smiled.

“Have fun. Party it up. Don't leave your drinks unattended.”

***

Louis changed into the dry outfit that Simon was allowing him to borrow, and then he and Harry sat silently on the front porch step as they waited for their cab to arrive. When the ride finally came, Harry helped Louis in, and he thought he must feel at least a little worse than he would admit because he wasn't fighting Harry off.

Only a couple minutes into the cab ride, Louis groaned loudly and turned away from the window, burying his face in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees.

“Lou?” Harry prodded.

“Can't talk,” Louis said shortly.

“Do you feel sick?” Harry asked. “Because nausea is a sign of a concussion.”

“It was just something I drank.”

“You didn't drink that much.”

Louis didn't respond to that, and Harry spent the rest of the cab ride resiting the urge to run a comforting finger down the back of his neck or rub him in that one spot in between his shoulder blades. It was harder than it should be to fight it off, nearly four years after the last time he'd ever done it.

***

“Do you want some tea?” Harry asked once they had reached Liam's place and went inside.

“No,” Louis said. “Just want to sleep.”

The older man made his way clumsily to the couch and laid down, halfway to a fetal position, and closed his eyes.

“Lou, I don't know if you should sleep right now,” Harry said.

“Have to sleep, Harry,” Louis mumbled.

“Fine, but I'm waking you up every two hours.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Don't you want to at least get into your night clothes?”

“No.”

“Do you want to take something for your head?”

“No.”

“Okay. Good night, Louis.”

“Good night, Harry. See you in two hours.”

Harry smiled, setting the alarm on his phone before going to the bathroom to change and wash up. Louis was out when he got done, but his breathing was regular, his finger twitched when Harry touched it and the bandage on his head didn't show much blood, so Harry laid on the ground by the couch, closed his eyes and fell asleep closer to Louis than he had been in far too long.

When Harry's alarm went off two hours after he set it, Harry was at first confused, but then realized, oh yeah, he was supposed to be waking Louis. Poor Louis. Harry hoped his head wouldn't be hurting him too much.

“Louis,” Harry said, voice groggy as he looked up, squinting against the light and poking the other's hand, which was hanging off the couch. He didn't stir. Grabbing onto his pointer finger, Harry shook his hand roughly.

“Louis, wake up, come on. How do you feel?”

Nothing.

Sighing, Harry sat up onto his knees, shaking Louis's arm.

“Louis.”

The singer still didn't so much as turn his head.

“Louis!” Harry cried, shaking him roughly. He still wasn't budging.

“Louis!”

No matter how much shouting or shaking Harry did, Louis wasn't waking up. While he was still breathing (Harry made sure of it, multiple times), he was past 'sleeping,' and, letting a few choked sobs escape from his throat, Harry picked up his phone and called an ambulance, not letting go of Louis's hand throughout it all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would again like to say that I am not a medical professional and so I apologize for any errors in my mildly researched medical talk XD

Louis still hadn't woken by the time the ambulance arrived and, though he still had a pulse and his coloring was decent-just a bit pale-Harry had never been more frightened.

“You can't do this to me, Louis,” Harry had said quietly, holding his phone to his chest to muffle the sound from the emergency line dispatcher who he was still connected with. “You can't leave me again. You can't leave me like _this_.”

Once arriving at the hospital, Louis was whisked away, and it was only after he had been sitting, knees bouncing up and down nervously for five or so minutes that Harry realized it might be a good idea to call Louis's family. Or should he wait until he knew more? No, he had no idea if or when the media would pick up this story and he didn't want Louis's poor mother and sisters finding out through a television set or online article.

Hoping that Louis's mother hadn't gotten a new number during the past three-and-a-half years, Harry found her information in his contacts and called.

“'Lo?” the woman answered, her voice groggy. She'd clearly been pulled from her sleep, and what a thing to wake up to.

“Hi, Jay. It's Harry.”

“Harry? What's wrong?” Jay asked, immediately alert.

Taking a deep breath, Harry explained everything, repeating the story exactly as he had to the medics and telling her that they were at the hospital. She promised to be right there and hung up.

Harry went back to freaking out in solitude.

Jay barely had time to get in the hospital and hug Harry tightly, tears sliding down her already tear-stained face, before a doctor came out, spotted Harry and walked over.

“Ma'am, are you family to Louis Tomlinson?” he asked.

“I'm his mother,” the woman answered like she was offended the man even had to ask. He nodded.

“I'm Dr. Wahlberg,” he introduced himself, extending a hand, which Jay shook shortly.

“How is my baby?” she asked.

“Can we talk somewhere in private?” he returned, eyes darting ever so quickly to Harry, who could take a hint.

“I'm going to walk around for a bit,” he said. “I'll be back.”

Jay nodded and after trying not to glare too hard at the doctor while giving him a polite nod, Harry walked off. He wandered aimlessly until he came to a food vending machine and stopped, looking at the machine blankly. He should be hungry, he supposed. He hadn't eaten a thing at the party, and so the last thing he'd consumed had been prior to their show. That really hadn't been that long ago, Harry realized, but it seemed like ages. It seemed like a different lifetime; one where he feared he was going to have to say goodbye to Louis, but not for good. Not forever.

Yeah, Harry definitely wasn't hungry.

As he turned away from the vending machine that seemed to be taunting him, Harry realized that none of the other boys knew what was going on. It was highly possible that they had arrived back to Liam's by then, probably freaking out at the fact that their two friends, one of whom was seriously injured, were gone.

Harry really wasn't looking forward to relaying the events of the night yet again, but the boys deserved to know, so he quickly found the nearest exit and went out into the chilly night air, taking his phone from his pocket. A pang of guilt coursed through him when he saw that he had seven missed calls from his three other best friends as well as five unread text messages. Biting his lip, he called Niall.

***

That phone conversation had been a mess of questions, shouts, people talking over each other, heavy breathing and tears. Finally, Niall had told Harry that they were on their way and the line was disconnected. In the silence, Harry almost craved the chaos again.

Though he wasn't sure how much time had passed since the doctor subtly told him to take a hike, Harry figured he and Jay had finished their discussion by then and he went back inside. The woman was basically right where he left her; she had just taken a seat a couple feet away and was crying hard into her hands. Harry's heart and stomach dropped to the floor.

“Jay?” he asked, taking quick, uneven steps to the mother. She didn't hear him, so Harry cleared his throat and tried again.

“Jay?”

She looked up immediately, and as soon as Harry had taken the seat next to her, she pulled him into a tight side-hug. Maybe it should be awkward. She was his ex-boyfriend's mother, after all, but it wasn't awkward.

“What happened? What's wrong?” Harry asked, his voice cracking. Jay was soaking him with tears, but he was pretty sure he was returning the favor.

“He has epidural hematoma,” Jay explained, “which, to put it as simply as I can, is bleeding on the brain when it bounces around in the skull after a blow to the head.”

Harry became dizzy.

“I didn't think he hit it that hard,” he choked out, suddenly overwhelmed by guilt. Why hadn't he made Louis go to the hospital? He'd dragged Louis to the doctor for something as little as a minor cough, and then when he had been bleeding visibly from the head, he just ignored it.

No wonder he and Louis didn't work out. All Harry did was fail him.

“Well, he hit his head twice, right in a row,” Jay said, and what? Harry frowned deep in confusion.

“Twice?”

“Once on the side of the head and then again on the back of his head, they're assuming when he hit the bottom of the pool.”

Harry's dizziness intensified. He needed to sit down except, wait, he already was. It was a good thing Jay still had a hold of him.

“I...I didn't know,” he said weakly. How could he be so stupid? Now that he thought back on it, Louis did fall into the shallow end of the pool, so he should have known. It was true that Louis gave no indication that the back of his head hurt, but perhaps he had been too overwhelmed by the pain to know exactly where it was coming from and so had, like everyone, assumed it was only caused by the area that was bleeding.

Somehow, Harry's tears poured faster.

“So is he okay?” he asked, and then amended, “Is he going to be okay?”

“I don't know,” Jay said, finally pulling back from Harry and dabbing at her eyes with a tissue she pulled from her pocket. “He's in surgery right now. They seem optimistic about stopping the bleeding, but everything else is up in the air.”

“Jay, I'm so sorry,” Harry said, not expecting his words to do much good. This was the second time he'd hurt Louis, and this time was more unforgivable because this time, he might not recover.

“Oh, stop it,” Jay said, sounding as if Harry were being ridiculous. “If you hadn't called the ambulance when you did, the prognosis would have been worse.”

“But if I had made him go to the hospital right away, it could have been better.”

“You did all you could, Harry.”

Maybe that was the truth, but if so, it wasn't enough. It was never enough.

***

The boys arrived soon, and though none of them could see Louis, they stayed after making sure that it was 'more than alright' to Jay.

Harry called his mom, and she soon showed up too. Louis's father and step-dad were quickly there, as well, and Harry worried half of them were going to get kicked out, as they were taking up a majority of the emergency room waiting area, but they didn't.

People slept off and on-(but never Jay)-and then, finally, Harry saw the doctor from earlier approaching. What was his name again? Dr. Wayne? Dr. Wombat? No, those were silly. Besides, his name wasn't important anyway. What was important was that he had Louis's health and, possibly, his future, written on that ugly brown clipboard that was in his hands.

“Mrs. Deakin,” Dr. Whatever greeted Louis's mother with a nod. (Harry was sure he had to have a name tag on, but couldn't be bothered to check.)

“How is he?” Jay asked. The doctor's eyes flickered to the big group that had gathered around him and, impatient, Jay said, “Whatever you tell me, I'm going to tell them, so you might as well get on with it.”

Dr. _Wahlberg_ , Harry suddenly and randomly remembered, gave a nod and checked his clipboard, verifying he was going to give all the right details before speaking.

“Louis is out of surgery, which went well. We were able to stop the bleeding and relieve the pressure. He hasn't woken yet, so it is hard to know exactly how much lasting damage he will have, if any, but for the time being, he is stable and comfortable.”

_How do you know?_ Harry wanted to ask. _How do you know he's comfortable?_

Okay, so he had to be on multiple heavy drugs, he knew, so he probably was sleeping without a care or feeling in the world, but even the slight possibility that he felt sick or hurt, or was afraid, broke Harry's heart into a thousand more pieces.

“Family can go in and see him now; two at a time, please,” the doctor continued. Jay let out a tiny cry of relief and, at the same time, terror, before looking between her current husband and ex-husband questionably.

“You go on,” Louis's step father said to the dad who had raised Louis from the time he was little. Mark nodded in gratitude, putting a comforting hand on the small of Jay's back before they wordlessly let Dr. Wahlberg lead them away.

“Mum?” Harry asked, turning to find his own mother and starting when he realized that she was directly behind him.

“Yes, love?” she asked, touching her son's shoulder gently.

“Um...I don't know,” he admitted. The woman pulled him into a hug and Harry shrunk into her, suddenly feeling like a kid again, except he never hurt quite this much as a kid.

***

Jay and Mark were in Louis's room for a long time before Mark finally came out and told Dan he should go on back there.

“Is there anything new?” Liam asked the man, whose expression was unreadable. He shook his head.

“He's still out of it, without showing any signs of waking soon.”

“I should have called the ambulance,” Zayn said, sounding like he hated himself about as much as Harry did.

“Don't blame this on yourself, any of you,” Mark said. “It was no one's fault.”

Harry silently disagreed. It was a little bit everyone's fault who had been at the party. Out of all of those people, _someone_ should have known better and made Louis go to the hospital.

(It should have been Harry.)

But, mostly, it was that drunken brute's fault. Louis was a precious creation, and he never should have been acting out so violently with him around. He was the one who did this to Louis.

That nameless man better hope Harry never saw him again, because he may know nothing about the guy, but he was never going to forget that face (which he felt hatred toward every time he pictured.)

“You lot can go home,” Mark continued. “It will be a long while before Lou either wakes up or is allowed to have people see him. I promise someone will keep you all updated.”

The boys glanced at each other, silently deliberating between the four of them. They all wanted to be close by in case anything happened, for better or worse, but it was also clear that they were all exhausted. Whether they liked it or not (and they didn't like it at all), there was nothing any of them could do to help Louis at this point, so they were basically just wasting energy and space at the hospital.

One by one, they all nodded.

“Call as soon as he wakes up? Or anything else?” Harry asked quietly.

“I promise,” Mark said. “Get some rest, boys.”

***

Anne offered to let Harry stay at her place for the night, but, though it was tempting, Harry went back to Liam's with the others.

It probably shouldn't have been so hard for him to walk into the penthouse and see that couch-the one he had failed to raise Louis from-because Louis wasn't dead. He was told that if he hadn't called an ambulance right when he did, it would have been worse, but how much more so? Did Harry save Louis's life, or just a bit of time?

Would he be waking to the call that Louis had come to, or that he was never going to wake up again?

***

By morning, everyone knew. The boys' social media accounts were blowing up with questions asking how Louis was, and by fans basically begging for reassurance. Louis was the number one trending topic, and so many inspirational messages and fan arts were already being shared. It was sweet, but Harry hated it.

***

Not much changed that day. Louis didn't wake up, and they were still keeping visitations to family only since he was susceptible to infections in his weakened state. The boys stayed at Liam's place all day, but did absolutely nothing besides stare at a wall blankly or mindlessly flip through television stations. Harry was pretty sure they all took turns crying a little bit too, but they never made eye contact, allowing a bit of privacy despite the fact that no one really wanted to be alone.

***

Niall was supposed to be heading back to Ireland the next day, but canceled when there was still no change to Louis. Liam told him he could stay with him as long as he wanted, as he himself had already canceled his flight to LA that had been scheduled for the following week.

“You think he'll still be out by then?” Zayn asked.

“He could be out for months,” Liam said. “I looked it up.”

“Months?!” Harry gasped.

“I'm not saying he will. Just that he could.”

“Li...you have your album to work on,” Zayn spoke, treading carefully. “Are you just going to put that all on hold for months? I don't think Lou would want that.”

Liam didn't reward Zayn's comments with a response; just stared him down in a way that made Harry uncomfortable. Liam may be in love with Zayn, and vice versa, but Louis was Liam's best friend and had been there when Zayn couldn’t be, so of course Liam would stay there with him for as long as he needed.

Getting the point, Zayn said not another word and rested his head on Liam's shoulder instead, silently asking forgiveness. Liam stroked the other's knee with his thumb, so Harry assumed he gave it to him.

***

When Jay called Harry's phone at nine the next morning, he was still asleep, but he jarred awake quickly, sliding the 'accept' button as fast as his clumsy, sleepy fingers would allow.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Harry. It's Jay. I'm sorry, did I wake you?”

“No. I mean, yeah, but it's alright. What's happened? Is Louis awake?”

“Not yet,” the woman sighed. “There still haven't been many changes. However, I did convince the professionals to let you and the boys see him.”

“Really?!” Harry asked. It wasn't as good of news as if Louis had woken, but he accepted that it was the best thing he was going to get at the moment.

“Yes. You have to wash up first and wear masks and gloves and such, but if you'd like to see him, you can.”

“Thanks so much, Jay. We'll be right there.”

***

Lottie, Louis's sister, was waiting for the boys and upon their arrival, went to pull her mom from the group.

“Which two would like to go first?” she asked, smiling tiredly, but kindly.

“I reckon Liam and Harry,” Niall said, and Zayn nodded in agreement.

“Go on then,” Jay urged, putting a gentle hand on Liam's back to lead him forward, and then doing the same to Harry, whose heart felt like it might pound out of his chest.

A nurse instructed them on how to wash and gear up properly when they entered the ICU and then led them to Louis's bed.

As ridiculous as it was, the first thing Harry noticed was Louis's hair. It was buzzed; not completely bald, but much shorter than Louis was going to like when he awoke.

Perhaps that wasn't actually the first thing Harry noticed. It was just the first thing he focused on because it was the easiest to take in. Everything was so drastically different, and it was easier for Harry to focus on something as mundane as a questionable haircut than the pallor of Louis's skin or the multiple tubes and needles going into his body from all sorts of angles.

“Can he hear us?” Liam asked the nurse.

“I'm not sure,” she admitted. “Right now, he doesn't seem to be responding to any of his family's voices, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. There have been patients who were completely comatose but still woke up and recalled conversations others had with them during that time. If you feel comfortable talking to your friend like this, then, by all means, go for it.”

Liam nodded and thanked the nurse, who told them to come get her or buzz if they needed anything. The older singer thanked her, and Harry knew that would be the polite thing to do, but he was stuck, half frozen, staring at his ex-boyfriend and, admittedly, the love of his life, lying there immobile in the bed. It wasn't the first time Louis left him speechless.

“Hey, mate,” Liam spoke again, sitting in one of the chairs placed by Louis's bed. Coming out of his trance-like state somewhat, Harry sat in the other one, but still found himself unable to speak or move his arms, which kind of frustrated him. He wanted to hold Louis's hand.

Liam didn't go as far as to hold Louis's hand, but he did absently play with a couple of his friend's fingers and smiled, looking relieved.

“He's warm,” he explained to Harry's questioning look, and that did send a little bit of relief through him as well. Louis hated being cold, so maybe he was actually comfortable. Plus, warmth meant life.

“You should wake up and see your hair,” Liam continued to their friend. “It's karma for all the times you laughed over my buzz cuts.”

That made Harry smile, but he still made sure to say, “I don't think it looks bad, though.”

“No, it doesn't,” Liam agreed. “You know, Lou, I never thought someone would beat Zayn's sixteen hours for longest time slept, but congratulations. You did it.”

The only response came from Louis's heart monitor, beeping away. Liam sighed.

“This is hard,” he said. “It's usually easy to carry a conversation with Louis, but I guess he carries it most often.”

“He does like to talk,” Harry said. “But he also likes to listen.”

“Yeah. Hey, maybe next time, we should bring in some of the letters fans wrote him and stuff.”

“That's a good idea,” Harry agreed. Liam nodded briefly.

“Do you want a minute alone with him?” he asked Harry.

“Why would I want a minute alone with him?” Harry retorted. Liam just gave him a look.

“I'm going to check on Jay,” he said, and exited the ICU. Harry didn't really do anything to try to make him stay, and as soon as he was gone, he took Louis's hand in his gloved one.

“Hey, boo,” he said, his voice as soft as it always was when there was something wrong with Louis. “Having a nice nap?”

Harry almost shuddered at his attempt at a joke. Liam may be able to pull them off at a time like this, but it just felt wrong when Harry did it, probably because that was never how their relationship worked. Liam and Louis could laugh and laugh at each other whenever one was coughing up a violent storm, or tease each other over how disgusting they were when they were sick. They could tell each other to 'get a grip, that's just a minor scratch' while one or the other was gushing out blood, but Harry would be the one running after cough syrup, Gatorade, bandages, thermometers…

And that was okay, because when it was Harry in such an undesirable situation, Louis would do the same for him.

“You need to wake up,” Harry said next. “Please, Lou. We miss you.”

He let a beat of silence pass before saying ever so quietly,

“I love you.”

Harry had said those words to Louis in his head many times the past few years, but never out loud. He couldn't risk being overheard, for fear that Louis would ignore him more than he already had been. He couldn't stop it that time, though, because if, higher powers forbid, something worse than an extra long nap happened to place itself upon Louis, Harry had to believe that he heard it at least one more time. Or maybe two more.

“I love you, Louis,” he said again, kissing the top of the man's hand, masked mouth and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter coming Sunday!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you will see, there is a video at the bottom of the chapter. Two of my amazing friends made it for this fan fic, and I love it! The link would not work for some reason, which is why I had to embed it, so I'm hoping it works! If not, the text link at the bottom should work, at least. Thank you for making it for me, Bethany and Caitlin :)  
> (The song is called 'Forget Me Not' by one of my favorite bands, Marianas Trench)
> 
> Also, I am an idiot and keep forgetting to mention that I am in California and that is the time zone I was basing my updates on. It may be on Mondays and Fridays instead of Sundays and Thursdays for you, which I'm sure you've figured out by now :p

****

Harry spent a lot of time at the hospital during the next few weeks and he sometimes wondered if Jay and the rest of Louis's family would get aggravated with him. After all, he probably didn't mean much to Louis anymore. They sure weren't together, and as Louis had pointed out the night of the party, they hadn’t even remained friends after the break-up.

Harry wondered what else Louis would have said on the night of the party if they hadn't been interrupted. He wondered if his gut feeling had been right; if they had been reconciling. Maybe right now, they could be at one of their homes, curled up on the couch or even in bed, watching a movie ('Grease' or 'Love, Actually,' probably) but really just doing more kissing than anything.

Maybe he wouldn't be sitting beside Louis's hospital bed, staring at the unconscious man and begging him silently to just open his eyes.

Sometimes Harry would stare at Louis for so long that he would start to hallucinate. He would swear he saw the man's head turn, or his nose crinkle, or a finger twitch, but when he blinked and looked back, Louis was lying right where he had been, showing no more sign of life than before.

Harry wasn't always at the hospital, of course. He went to his home and did things that a normal past boy-band member would do if his world hadn't been flipped upside down. Once, he even went two days without visiting the hospital, but only because he was afraid of Louis's family growing tired of seeing his face and kicking him out for good. Louis was never off his mind, though, and he visited as often as he felt appropriate. (Maybe it was even a little more often than appropriate.)

Jay didn't seem to ever mind though. She didn't like for Louis to be alone, even during the times the hospital required it, and, though she was at the hospital a lot, she had several other children and more responsibilities to attend to at, so she still couldn’t be there as much as she liked.

The day before the one-month mark of Louis's long sleep, her older set of twins, Daisy and Phoebe, demanded an all-day shopping spree. They had been through a lot with the whole of Louis's situation, and so Jay gave in. Harry had assured her that he would stay with Louis until she could get there, and he did. He arrived at the hospital at ten AM and stayed until three, when he was forced to leave for the ICU's hour-long 'quiet time.' He met his sister for an early dinner during that time, though he thought she knew he was distracted. He felt bad because he'd hardly talked to his family during the past month. He had spoken to them, of course, but it was always short conversations; nothing too deep because the only thing he wanted to think about was Louis. They all seemed to understand, though, and were being patient with him, bless them.

“Hey, Lou, I'm back,” he said as he entered his ex's room and took his typical seat next to the bed. “Anything interesting happen while I was gone?”

Talking to Louis in this state had gotten remarkably easier for everyone. That mildly discomforted Harry because he didn't want to get used to this. He didn't want to feel like he was accepting this was how it was going to be forever, because he wasn't accepting it. And it wouldn't be like this forever. It couldn't.

Harry hadn't been back in the room sitting in his chair for very long before he fell asleep. He didn't mean to, but it happened sometimes, and he seemed to sleep better in that hospital chair by Louis's bed than he did at home in his own anyway.

Soon, something was pulling Harry back from his sleep; something that felt like eyes trained on him, watching him intently.

Peeking open his eyes, Harry turned in his chair to check the doorway for a nurse or Jay's arrival, but no one was there. Huh. It must have just been a dream then.

Harry crossed his arms and turned back around, ready to close his eyes and let himself nod off for another few minutes, but instead, nearly jumped out of his skin, for he had found where the feeling of watching eyes had come from.

“Louis?” he asked quietly. Those blue eyes that Harry loved so much just stared back at him. “Louis?!”

Okay, he needed to get a doctor, he knew that, but Harry was afraid to take his eyes off of Louis for even an instant; feared this was a wonderful, vivid hallucination. So, unblinking, he went to Louis's bed, found his call button and pressed it repeatedly. Louis jumped a bit when Harry got close, but that was understandable. He had to be so confused and weak still.

“Louis,” Harry said again. “Hey, boo, how are you feeling?”

Harry barely even registered that he called Louis 'boo' and, honestly, that was probably the least of anyone's concern right now. That probably wasn't why Louis was staring at him with that deep frown on his face, looking like, if he could, he would bolt out of there. Harry didn’t have time to ask though, because a nurse entered and audibly gasped at the site before her.

“Louis, oh my goodness!” she exclaimed, rushing to his bed and checking a bunch of different readings and vitals both on his body and the machine. “Why didn't your alarm go off, dear? Do you know where you are?”

Louis didn't answer; just stared at Nurse Maggie like she was a crazy person. She didn't seem bothered, though; just gave Louis a smile as she adjusted one of his IVs and said,

“Well, I guess it's easy enough to figure out where you are, but you probably don't remember why, and that's alright. You've been through quite an ordeal.”

“Who are you?” Louis asked the woman. His voice was hoarse and almost beyond the point of recognition, but Harry knew it was Louis and so felt like maybe that was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever heard.

“My name is Maggie. I've been one of your nurses during your month in the ICU. Now, I'm going to run and get the doctor. I'll be right back.”

The nurse hurried off. Louis watched her go, still frowning, but then turned his gaze to Harry, who gave him a small smile.

“It's going to be okay, Lou,” he promised. Louis stared at him for a good while, absolutely nothing crossing his face at all. Harry couldn't even begin to imagine anything the man was thinking or feeling, but that look still made him uneasy. Then, Louis said something that hit Harry like a block of ice.

“So who are you?”

“What?” Harry asked, frowning.

“Who are you?” Louis repeated. Harry stared, utterly confused, before he laughed a bit, realizing Louis had to be joking. If anyone could joke at a time like this, it would be Louis.

“Very funny, Lou,” he said, lowering his weak legs back into his abandoned chair.

“I'm being serious,” Louis said, but they didn't have time to discuss it farther because then Maggie returned with Dr. Flanagan. The man ignored Harry, immediately going to Louis, but Maggie focused on the younger singer, ushering him out against his many protests and trying to convince him that it was best for Louis. He argued, but he lost and, soon, he found himself staring at the closed doors of the ICU and wondering just how long he had been there.

Finally, Harry gave into defeat and sighed, and it was a good thing, because he barely had time to make it to a chair before his legs gave out and he collapsed. He only let himself rest for a couple of minutes, however, because he needed to call Jay.

***

When Louis's mother got there, she ran right into the ICU and apparently they had either not bothered kicking her out or lost that fight because she was gone for more than twenty minutes. Phoebe and Daisy had been with her, but stayed outside with Harry. They all gave polite 'hellos' but other than that were silent.

Jay came back a while later, and Harry felt only a moment's relief before the look on her face sent all of his hope shattering like glass.

“Mum?” Phoebe asked, sounding much younger than her fifteen years of age suddenly.

“He's going to be okay, baby,” Jay said, pulling both of her girls into a hug. “Don't worry. He's going to be fine.”

Harry didn't think Jay would lie to her children, but he thought, for their sake, that she had to be holding out on some details because her posture didn't match her words. He hoped he would get to ask her for the full truth soon, as he literally felt like he was going to lose his mind, but then Jay sighed, pulling away from the twins and rubbing her eyes.

“He's going to live,” she continued, “but he's not exactly as you remember him, girls.”

“What do you mean?” Daisy asked while Phoebe said,

“Come on, mum. You're scaring me.”

Jay nodded over to a cluster of chairs before heading to sit. The girls followed while Harry shifted awkwardly on the balls of his feet, unsure of what he should do, but then the woman waved him over as well. A wave of relief washed over him and he rushed to sit next to Daisy.

“There isn't really an easy way to say this,” Jay said, running the palms of her hands across her lap nervously, “so I'm just going to have to tell you. Louis hit his head very hard, and it did cause some damage to his brain, clearly. They're still not sure how permanent it is, but Louis appears to have amnesia; retrograde.”

“What's retrograde?” Daisy asked.

“It means 'before.' So he can't remember anything from before he hit his head.”

“...Anything?” Daisy asked after no one said a word for probably a good half a minute. Jay nodded.

“It's like he's starting a brand new life,” she commented and, somehow, smiled a little, even if it was a sad smile. “He doesn't know who I am...He doesn’t know who anyone is. He doesn't even know himself.”

Tears were pouring down Harry's face, his fist pressed to his mouth to keep from screaming, but when he glanced to Louis's younger sisters, checking to see how they were holding up, they seemed fine; Shocked, yes, but their eyes held hope and intrigue.

“So he's like 'The Vow,'” Phoebe confirmed. Jay gave a small laugh.

“Yes, pretty much.”

Daisy sighed.

“We have a lot to fill him in on,” she said, but didn't actually look bothered by the fact. Harry wished he could be like them and see the situation as not completely hopeless, but all he could think about was that Louis's mind had been erased. He'd lost all of his memories, and who was anyone without their memories? Would he still seem like Louis?

Not that it should have been important. Louis was alive and conscious and that in itself was a miracle that Harry had been waiting one long month for, but that didn't mean the situation was ideal. Harry could be happy and sad at the same time, and it wasn't like he was only sad for himself. He was sad for all of them, especially Louis, who he wanted to go see right then; try to make him unafraid, even when Harry himself was terrified.

“They don't know if he'll get his memory back?” Harry asked.

“They're running tests,” Jay explained. “That might tell them then. Right now, it could be extremely temporary. He could remember everything tomorrow, or he could never remember anything. I'm going down with them to do the tests, and I'll probably be here for a while, but he's going to be cut off from visitors again for an undetermined amount of time, so you can go on home. I'll keep you updated.”

Harry didn't want to leave, but he had to remember that he had no business being there. He and Louis had broken up long ago, so his family had no reason to put up with him and now...he really did mean nothing at all to Louis either because Louis didn't remember him. He didn't remember meeting Harry in that bathroom at X Factor years ago, or falling in love almost directly afterward. He didn't remember all of the happiness they brought each other, or any of the pain either. He didn't remember anything, and Harry was _nothing_ to him.

“Okay. I'm sorry, Jay,” Harry said, standing and taking a deep breath so he wouldn't collapse right there.

“Stop apologizing, Harry,” Jay said gently. “This isn't your fault.”

“I'm still sorry,” Harry said. Jay ignored that.

“Can I ask a favor though?” she asked.

“Anything.”

“Can you take the girls home? I'm not sure what all is going to happen tonight, and they should be home with the others...”

'Home' for them right now was a rental house in London, as they had wanted to be closer to Louis in this time.

“Yeah, of course,” Harry said.

“But I want to see Louis!” Daisy protested.

“Not right now, sweetie. He's very overwhelmed. He needs to get his tests done and then rest. You will see him soon, I promise.”

The girls didn't look happy with that answer, but they didn't argue, and got to their feet as well.

“I'll call you later,” Jay  said , looking at them all. “I promise. Love you.”

***

As Harry drove the twins home, the girls discussed which memories they should tell Louis first and made plans to go through their photo albums and gather their favorite pictures to take to the hospital whenever they saw Louis. Harry hoped it would all be unnecessary; that Louis would wake up tomorrow with his memories having been restored.

Harry wondered why he even bothered having hope anymore.

***

Jay didn't call Harry until the next evening. Harry had been as patient as he could, but was actually halfway out the door, about ready to go down to the hospital and see if he could find out what was going on for himself, when his phone rang. Seeing Jay's name on his caller ID, he stepped back inside and shut the door; leaning his back against it as he answered.

“Hey, Jay.”

“Hi, Harry,” the woman said. She sounded exhausted, and Harry felt guilty that he hadn't been able to control his patience any better than that. Louis's mother was doing all she could, Harry knew, and if he thought  _he_ was sad, tired and scared, he couldn’t even imagine how she was feeling.

“ So any news?” Harry asked after a brief pause between the two. Jay quietly sniffled. Harry's grip on the phone tightened.

“The damage was pretty extensive,” she said. “There is hope. He could regain his memories back over time, slowly, but it's not guaranteed.”

Harry let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he'd been holding, feeling sick as he did so.

“What does this all mean then?” Harry asked quietly.

“Well, we have Louis, and that's the important part,” Jay said. Harry nodded in agreement even though she couldn't see him. She continued.

“Eventually, the doctors said it could be beneficial for us to have him relive some of his memories, but it may be a while before he's ready to do that. He's still understandably overwhelmed and doesn't seem to want to ask questions or have anything explained to him. He insists he'll remember everything soon and so doesn't want to waste anyone's time or energy.”

“He's in shock,” Harry guessed.

“I think so, yes, and still very tired. It's tough right now, Harry, but it will get better...It has to.”

Harry wanted to say he hoped so, but he didn't. Instead, he said, “It will be totally fine, Jay. Don't worry.”

She didn't have to know how Harry looked through all of the photos he'd kept of him and Louis (so, all of them they'd ever taken) after they hung up, barely able to see the images through his tears, but still knowing exactly what picture it was, and having his heart repeatedly ripped out of his chest when he realized that they were all just moments that Louis might never be able to recall again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Louis in the next chapter, I promise!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone cares, I added a couple more characters; not for this chapter but eventually.

A week passed. Visitations with Louis were once again reserved for family only so as not to stress him out more, but they all kept Harry and the other boys updated and promised that they let Louis know they were thinking of him.

The fans knew Louis was awake, but still had a 'long recovery ahead of him' without knowing any specific details. Liam assured them that their idol would get their well wishes and feel the love, and Harry knew he would eventually, but at the time being, he didn't even know he had fans.

Instead of Jay, Lottie became the main news bearer for Harry and the boys. Harry was impressed with how knowledgeable she was with all of this and how well she was holding it all together. Louis was her older brother, and had always been so good at caring for her and protecting her, and so now Lottie was returning the favor. Though Louis had no way of knowing how close they had been, she remembered.

Lottie was busy. She had classes starting back up soon on top of work, plus Harry knew she had really stepped up with helping care for her younger siblings, but during her free time, she was usually at Harry's.

None of Louis's siblings knew the true history between their brother and Harry. They had been too young to understand the depth of it all during their hidden relationship, but Harry knew that at least the oldest of them had to have picked up on the fact that something had changed. He and Louis had been 'best friends,' always together when they could be and then, suddenly, there was nothing. Harry didn't visit anymore and Louis probably never talked about him either.

Harry wondered if Lottie had researched all of the drama surrounding their names and came to her own conclusion. He wondered if she'd reached the correct one. Something told him she had.

When Lottie showed up on his doorstep unexpectedly at that one-week mark, she came bearing food.

“Hope you haven't had dinner yet,” she said, brandishing the bag of delicious-smelling Chinese food in the air.

“I haven't,” Harry said, stepping back to allow her in.

After setting their meal up at the table and eating quietly for a couple of minutes, Harry asked the question that Lottie had to know was coming.

“How is he today?”

“Really good,” Lottie said, taking a sip of her drink before continuing. “He was a lot more talkative and inquisitive today. Mum took Ernest and Doris to see him and he seemed to like that.”

“Good,” Harry said, smiling at the mental image he got of Louis with his two baby siblings, all smiling over their reunion.

“And we told him about the band today,” Lottie said. Harry's mouth opened in surprise, and he was very glad he'd swallowed his bite before she'd said that.

“Yeah?” he asked, encouraging her to continue.

“Yeah. He brought it up himself; asked if he had a job. We told him he had been in a band that just broke up after eight amazing years. He seemed a little less excited when he found out it was a boy band.”

Lottie winked and Harry laughed. The noise was strangled. He hadn't laughed in a while, but it felt good, and it was amusing to picture the look on Louis's face when he found out the cool punk band he'd probably been imaging was actually a boy band.

“But we told him he loved it and that you lot had been the ones asking about him.”

“Hopefully he wasn't too disappointed then,” Harry said, a small smile still on his face. Also smiling, Lottie shook her head.

“I don't think so. He said he hopes he gets to re-meet you all again someday.”

Harry's heart fluttered.

“Of course he will,” he said.

“That's what we told him,” Lottie assured the man. “Whenever he's ready, he has the okay.”

***

It turned out that Harry only had to wait a couple of days for Louis to be ready, though it was the longest two days of Harry's life. So when Lottie called at two o' clock that day, asking if he or any of the other boys would be able to make it down there, Harry assured her that he, in the least, would be there.

Of course, the other boys dropped what they were doing and went as well. Niall had gone back to Ireland once a week had passed without any change from Louis, back when he was still unconscious, but flew right back to London when he heard that he'd woken. Liam and Harry hadn't left and Zayn, who had just recently ended his second tour, had a break, so he traveled back and forth between LA and London, though he didn't leave their home country often. He had been planning on having Liam in LA with him as his neighbor and seemed to lose motivation to stay there now that it had changed.

Harry wondered if Zayn was actually planning on telling Liam he was in love with him anytime soon or was going to wait forever for Liam to figure it out himself. If the latter was true, may the higher powers bring peace to Zayn's soul because Liam was smart, but he was also oblivious to a lot of things, most of them pertaining to Zayn.

“Hello, boys!” Jay greeted from the waiting area closest to Louis's room, where they had been instructed to meet her. Her smile reached her eyes today and she looked more relaxed and refreshed than Harry had seen her in a while. Perhaps that meant that Louis was doing well; that everything was going to be okay.

“Hey, Jay,” Liam said, all of the boys taking turns hugging the woman.

“How are you?” Niall asked.

“Oh, I'm fine,” Jay said, looking surprised at the question. It dawned on Harry then that she had probably gotten several questions recently as to how Louis was doing, but none about her. He bit his lip guiltily.

“Are you ready to see him?” the woman asked with a slightly nervous smile.

“Of course, but is he ready to see us?” Zayn asked.

“I think so, yes,” Jay said with a nod. “I know it might be strange and uncomfortable for you boys at first, but try to treat him normally, please.”

“Of course,” Niall said. Jay gave an encouraging smile.

“It will be fine,” she said. “He's still Louis.”

The boys nodded, and then Liam spoke again.

“So who wants to go in first?”

“Actually, he'd like to see you all at once,” Jay said. “He's already talked to the doctors and they're more than okay with it, so whenever you're ready.”

“We're ready,” Harry said immediately, and though he'd spoken for the other boys too, they nodded.

“Alright,” Jay said, and motioned for them to follow her as she headed to her son's hospital room. Louis was out of ICU, and Lottie kept insisting that he 'would be out in no time.'

“Hey, love,” Jay said, softly knocking on Louis's open door before stepping inside. The others stayed back, and Harry couldn’t yet see Louis, but he could hear him as he said,

“Hey, mum. What's up?”

He sounded like Louis again; not the hoarse, run-down version like before, but just like himself, and Harry smiled, some weight being lifted off of him already.

“The boys are here to see you,” Jay told her son.

“The boys from the band?” Louis asked, and Harry saw Jay's head move and assumed she nodded before she turned, gave the group another smile and waved them all in.

“Come, boys.”

After only another moment's hesitation, the boys filed in one by one, and Harry had thought he was prepared for anything, but a jolt of electricity coursed through his body when he saw Louis because he looked like _Louis_. Okay, so his hair was still shorter than he typically wore it, and he had a scar where they had cut into his skull, and his skin was a bit ashen, his body skinnier than normal, but his eyes were the same, and the way he smiled at them was the same. Harry wanted to run over, take his face in his hands and kiss him right on the lips, but, of course, he didn't.

“Hello!” Louis greeted, tilting his head to the side as he studied the boys for what, for him, was like the first time.

“Hey, mate,” Liam said with a smile. “How are you?”

“Oh, you know…,” Louis said, gesturing to his room and smiling too.

“Yeah…,” Liam said, shifting awkwardly. Zayn cleared his throat.

“That's Liam,” he said to Louis, and Harry started because, oh yeah, unless Louis had done his research, he had no idea who these four strangers standing before him were besides his former band mates.

“That's Niall,” Zayn continued, “that's Harry and I'm Zayn.”

“It's nice to re-meet all of you,” Louis said, still smiling. Harry wondered if he really was coming to terms with everything or if he was putting on a strong front for everyone. Perhaps it was a little of both. “I may need reminded of names though. I've met so many people recently that they're all kind of running together.”

“That's fine,” Zayn assured him. Harry tried to vocalize his understanding too, but couldn't. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe.

“I'm going to give you lot a bit,” Jay said. “I'll just be in the cafeteria. Do you need anything, baby?”

“No, I'm okay, mum, thanks.”

Jay gave Louis a quick kiss on top of the head, said goodbye to the others and then vanished out of the room. A beat of awkward silence passed before Louis spoke again.

“So which one of you left?” he asked.

“What?” Liam said.

“The band. Which one of you decided you were too cool for a boy band and bounced?”

Liam and Niall snorted and Harry smiled as they all looked to Zayn, who was grinning and running a hand uncomfortably through his hair.

“It wasn't because I thought I was too cool…,” he said, and Louis grinned.

“I tease. I'll hear about all of our….erm...adventures one day, I'm sure.”

“Of course,” Liam said.

“It may take more than one day though,” Niall added.

“Holy shit you're Irish?!” Louis asked. Niall laughed so hard that tears nearly ran down his face and the other boys laughed too. Harry felt as if he were floating. His heart was still broken; this was a sad situation with too many 'what ifs' and 'could have beens' but despite the fact that Louis didn't even know himself anymore, he _was_ himself, and so maybe his memories were still there, buried, as well.

***

As more and more time progressed, the boys continued to relax. Eventually, they moved in close, so that Liam and Zayn were in the chairs by Louis's bed and Niall and Harry were by the injured man's feet. Louis took One Direction song suggestions for when he decided to listen to them and asked about all of the places they'd visited (his eyes widening more each time they told him another country.) He didn't ask too many questions, though, and the boys didn't offer any more information than he'd asked for.

When Louis grew quiet, Harry made sure to ask if he was okay, or if he was tired and needed them to leave. Louis smiled at Harry-it had been such a long time since he was the recipient of that smile that Harry wanted to cry-and assured him that he was fine; just had a small headache, which was normal and nothing to worry about. Of course, Harry wasn't going to settle for that and left the room to find someone to give Louis something for the pain. Louis watched Harry as he took the pills the doctor gave him and kept sneaking glances afterward as the boys watched a football game on his TV. Harry didn't mind. He and Louis used to share private glances all the time, back when they had something to hide, and, besides, Harry was hoping that the more Louis looked at him, the faster he would remember him.

He also hoped that, if and when Louis remembered him, it wouldn't go back to radio silence between them.

Jay returned around dinner time bearing cafeteria food for Louis, who made a face as he took a bite. He tried not to make it obvious, but Harry noticed.

***

The boys left before Louis was finished eating, as his eyes started to grow heavy even as he was chewing. Louis again told them all it was nice to re-meet them and that he thought he was glad he was in a band with them, and they all promised to visit again soon.

“That wasn't so bad,” Liam said as they walked to his car, which they had all rode in to the hospital. Niall muttered his agreement and Harry simply nodded. Zayn, on the other hand, was biting his lip, his eyes shiny like they got when he was trying to hide emotion.

“Hey,” Liam said, noticing and gently bumping his shoulder against Zayn's. “What's wrong?”

“I'm glad Louis is basically okay,” he began, looking nervously between all of the guys, “but his life has been a whirlwind of good and bad. I mean, I guess everyone's is, but most people don't have to go through the bad times more than once. Who is going to tell him about the moments he would probably rather not remember?”

“Someone will,” Liam said, taking Zayn's hand comfortingly as they continued to walk. “And it might be hard for him to hear, but he'll be okay. He survived the first time and he'll survive this time.”

Liam was right, Harry knew, and Zayn's words weren't anything Harry hadn't thought of before, but it still hurt him to think of all of the things Louis would have to relearn and suffer through all over again. Most of the things would be necessary for him to hear, as he deserved to know himself and all of those moments made up who he was, but Harry was all for saving Louis from as much pain as he could, which was why he had already decided that Louis was to never know about them. If he remembered, great, but Harry was going to refuse to let anyone tell him about all of the things Louis had to go through just for being who he was and loving who he'd loved. He didn't want those old feelings to return; didn’t want Louis to go back to feeling like he wasn't good enough the way he was and so had to pretend. He didn't want Louis to look away in shame again whenever someone gave him a compliment, and couldn't let him go back to crying himself to sleep. None of that was Louis, it was just the shell that the unnecessary pain had caused him to be for a time, and since that pain should have never existed, Harry was going to let it disappear for Louis.

***

Harry stopped by the hospital the next day of his own accord, and when he arrived, Louis was alone and sleeping in his bed. Harry stepped into the room quietly and placed the container with the meal he'd cooked for Louis on the other's end table and was tip-toeing out of the room when a voice stopped him.

“Wait.”

Harry turned back around to see Louis's head lifted from the pillow, his lips in a straight line as he rubbed his eyes.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you,” the younger man said. Louis lowered his hands back to his sides and smiled.

“I don't think you did,” he said. “Besides, I was only sleeping because I was bored.”

“Oh,” Harry said.

“Yeah.”

Louis looked to the end table, studying what Harry had left there.

“So what's that?”

“Chicken and rice,” Harry said, suddenly blushing like it was the first time he had ever cooked for Louis and not the thousandth.

“Sounds delicious,” Louis said, sliding the dinner tray out from his bed, apparently ready to eat. Harry didn't blame him. If he had only had hospital food and IV nutrition for over a month, he would be ready to eat some chicken and rice too.

“You like it,” Harry said, helping Louis get the meal set up. “Or, at least, you did before.”

“I'm sure I still do then,” Louis said. “Thanks, Harry. It's Harry, right?”

“Yes,” Harry answered, smiling and hoping Louis couldn't see the sadness in it too. “And you're welcome.”

Using the fork Harry had brought from his home, Louis took his first bite, and Harry's smile was a lot less sad as he watched Louis's eyes roll back in his head, the guy seemingly overtaken by pleasure.

“This is so good,” the patient commented.

“I hope so,” Harry said. “I didn't want to put too much into it because, with you being on IVs and hospital food for so long, I didn't want to send your stomach into shock.”

“Well, right now, my stomach thanks you profusely.”

“You're very welcome, Louis's stomach.”

Louis smiled and then took another bite. Harry let him eat in silence before he decided to speak again.

“Were you my favorite?”

“Your favorite?” Harry asked, frowning.

“In the group,” Louis said with a playful smile. Harry laughed.

“You didn't have a favorite, Louis. Not outwardly, at least.”

And if he did, it certainly wouldn't have been Harry; not since 2014.

“Hm,” Louis hummed. “Well, was I your favorite?”

“You know it,” Harry said with a wink, trying to be playful too when, really, Louis had no idea.

“My mum said you were here a lot when I wasn't awake,” Louis said.

“Yeah, but all of the boys visited,” Harry told him.

“Yeah, but she said you were here _a lot_. She said you even had the nurse teach you how to do my exercises with me.”

That was true. Like all comatose patients, the nurses had daily exercises they would do with Louis so his muscles wouldn't completely deteriorate. Jay insisted on learning, and Harry did too. Harry lost count of how many times someone had walked in on him stretching out Louis's leg or arm, or massaging his fingers while discussing the mundane happenings of his own life. Harry had genuinely enjoyed doing it, though. The exercises were necessary and important and if Harry couldn't do anything else for Louis, at least he could do that.

“Had to keep you in shape,” Harry said. “You're a football player. Did they tell you that?”

“Yeah, they did,” Louis said. “Thanks for keeping me on point so I can go straight to the football field once they finally spring me.”

“I would maybe take it easy for a bit,” Harry said, though he was smiling.

“Yeah,” Louis said, his own smile slowly turning sad. “I guess my football days are over. Don't want to get injured and make it less likely to ever remember anything.”

Harry frowned, hating how quickly the happiness had slipped from Louis's face, voice and even posture.

“I'm so sorry this happened to you, Louis,” Harry said. “If you want, I'm sure you can still try to press charges. Your mum didn't known if you would want to, so she didn't bother, but if you do-”

“No,” Louis interrupted. “It won't change anything. Besides, it was an accident, right?”

“Yeah, but it should never have happened.”

“Well, that's what an accident is, Harry,” Louis said. His smile was starting to come back a little bit.

“It's not like I remember playing anyway,” Louis said. “I don't really know what I'm missing.”

“You're not missing anything. You secretly hated it,” Harry lied. Louis knew it was a lie, but he smiled anyway; almost fully again.

“I thought I might,” he said, playing along.

“Tell me what I can do for you, Louis,” Harry said.

“Sit down on the bed,” Louis said, setting his now-empty food container on his nightstand along with the water he'd already had and pulling the dinner tray back. Harry sat by his feet, but Louis scooted over, patting the spot next to him.

“If you don't mind,” he added.

“Not at all,” Harry said, heart fluttering and with something that felt damn near like butterflies in his stomach.

He made himself comfortable in the spot beside Louis and when he'd stopped fidgeting, Louis leaned over and put his head on Harry's shoulder. Harry's heart was about to burst.

“Can you sing to me?” Louis asked, yawning widely.

“You want me to sing to you?” Harry verified, surprised. He used to lull Louis to sleep by singing to him when he was sick but, of course, hadn't in a long while. So it was weird that now, suddenly, Louis was requesting it again, almost like he knew it was a 'thing' of theirs.

But even if he subconsciously knew, Louis wasn't aware that he knew, so Harry stopped thinking and started quietly singing one of the band's oldest songs, but one of the most personal to Harry; 'Little Things,' repeating it a couple of times even after Louis had fallen asleep snuggled close into his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter may not be posted until Monday, as I'm going on a mini-vacation this weekend. So if so, happy Valentine's Day! And if you hate Valentine's Day, just read lots of fan fics while eating lots, drinking lots, or partaking in another favorite activity that's frowned upon the rest of the time ;) (But be safe!)


	5. Chapter 5

“Was it weird that we were that close yesterday?”

“What?” Harry asked, looking up from his sandwich. He'd left in a hurry that day, so only packed he and Louis a lunch of cheese sandwiches and Doritos, but, if anything, Louis seemed to have enjoyed that even more than he had the chicken and rice, because he devoured it.

“Was it weird that I, like, fell asleep on you?” Louis asked. “I guess I don't really know how close we are. I felt comfortable, so I assumed, but sorry if it was, like, weird or anything.”

“Oh, no, it wasn't weird at all,” Harry assured him. “Don't worry about it.”

Louis smiled and Harry returned it.

“When you're finished eating, would you like to go on a walk with me?” Louis asked.

“Sure,” Harry said, shoving his last piece of bread into his mouth and standing as he chewed. Louis watched him and, once he swallowed, Harry asked,

“Do you want to start in the wheelchair or walking?”

Harry hadn't seen Louis out of bed yet, but knew from his family that that was because he now walked with somewhat of a limp and grew tired easily. The nurses had been encouraging him to go on walks and get out of his room a bit, but so far, Louis had refused.

“I'll walk,” Louis said. “If I ever want to get out of here, I guess I should make an effort to show that I'm not a complete cripple.”

“Do you need help?”

“No, I think I'm okay.”

Still, Harry moved closer just in case Louis's legs gave out or he lost his balance; the last thing he wanted for Louis to hit his head again.

He stood slowly, but he was able to stand by himself, and smiled at his success. Harry returned it and went to the wheelchair, figuring it would be a good idea to take it just in case, but Louis shook his head.

“We don't need to bring that,” he said. Harry didn't argue, knowing he could just carry Louis if it came down to that.

“You good to go then?” Harry asked. Louis nodded.

“Ready.”

They walked slowly. Louis's limp wasn't too bad. Hell, some teenagers even walked with it purposefully. Louis did often tumble to the side, though, and Harry's heart stopped each time, but he pretended not to see it anyway, fearing Louis would get discouraged if it was mentioned.

“Where are we headed off to?” Harry asked as they neared the elevators. He'd been following Louis, but wondered if Louis, in turn, had been following him.

“Can we go outside?” Louis asked.

“Of course,” Harry replied.

The two waited for the elevator and then climbed on, Louis holding onto the railing tightly as they moved to the bottom floor. Harry almost asked if he was okay. He didn't.

Harry held the elevator doors open for Louis once they reached their destination and then stepped out himself. Louis smiled and then they fell in step with each other again.

It didn't take long for the boys to find the walking path and outside rest area and, again, Harry held the door for Louis, allowing him to step out first.

“God damn,” Louis said, squinting against the sun. “Was it this bright before?”

“You've always had sensitive eyes,” Harry commented, taking his sunglasses out of his pocket and handing them to Louis.

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

Louis nodded to a bench and Harry followed him, both of them lowering themselves into the seat at the same time.

“We'll walk in a minute,” Louis promised.

“Whatever you want to do,” Harry assured him. Louis turned sideways, pulling one foot onto the bench as he looked at Harry.

“Tell me a story,” he said.

“Tell you a story?” Harry repeated.

“Yeah. A memory.”

“What kind of memory?”

“Anything.”

“Okay.”

Harry made a noise with his lips as he thought. Louis waited patiently, but eagerly.

“Have you heard about the Australia trip yet, when you and Zayn ran away from security?”

“No,” Louis said, smiling and encouraging Harry to go on.

“Yeah. You two wanted to go out and do something, but security wouldn't let you, so you sneaked out.”

“How did that turn out?”

“You ended up having to call them to rescue you from the fans.”

Louis laughed.

“Did we think it was worth it?”

“Not really. You didn't really get to do anything. The fans pretty much caught on right away.”

“They're sneaky fans, huh?”

“Very.”

“Okay, tell me another story.”

“You and Liam sneaked out to a football field before.”

“I am a devious individual.”

“It's part of your charm,” Harry said with a smile, which Louis returned.

“Did Niall and me ever sneak out?” Louis questioned.

“No. Your friendship consisted of video games, television and water gun fights, pretty much.”

“Sounds fun.”

“You two seemed to have lots of fun.”

“What about me and you?”

As Harry's heart tended to do recently, it skipped a beat. Perhaps he should make an appointment with the cardiologist.

“What about us?” Harry asked.

“What did our relationship consist of?”

Oh shit. What was Harry supposed to say? He didn't want to lie to Louis but he didn't want to flat out tell him that their relationship consisted of a different kind of sneaking around, complete with kissing and all-night cuddles and love making. But he also didn't want to tell him the other truth either; that, more recently, their relationship consisted of sometimes passing by each other wordlessly on the stage or tour bus.

“We had a more...nurturing kind of relationship. Friendship,” Harry finally said. “We would use each other for venting and plotting revenge and such.”

That was still the truth; part of it, at least.

“That sounds nice,” Louis said, his voice uncharacteristically soft. He cleared his throat. “So did I make you sing me to sleep then too?”

“You didn't _make_ me,” Harry said. “I just did.”

“You have a very nice voice,” Louis complimented. “I guess I should have figured since we were in a boy-band together, but…I like it.”

“Thank you. I rather like your voice too.”

“I don't even remember what my voice sounds like,” Louis laughed.

“Well, when you hear it, I hope you're nicer to it than you were.”

“Oh, do I suck?” Louis asked teasingly.

“No!” Harry said, a bit too seriously. He lightened up his tone. “You're just your own worst critic.”

“Hm,” Louis hummed. They were quiet for a few moments and then Louis began to stand.

“I'm ready to walk,” he said.

They were quiet again on the path, only the birds and the gentle sound of leaves waving in the soft wind giving them background noise. Harry got lost in his thoughts, wondering how long this…whatever...was going to  last with Louis. Were they friends again? Could they stay friends? Harry hoped so, even if he knew keeping a friendly distance from Louis was going to be tough. It was going to be  hard , being close to his love except  in  the way Harry had grown used to years ago, but he would do it. He wanted to be close to Louis again and decided that it didn't matter in what way that was. When it came to Louis, he would take what he could get.

A gasp brought Harry back to reality, along with soft, warm fingers curling themselves around his wrist tightly. Looking quickly to Louis, Harry saw him giggle, looking slightly embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he said. “Lost my balance and I was about to topple over.”

“That's alright,” Harry assured him with a smile. “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine.”

Louis began to remove his fingers from Harry's wrist, but, quietly, Harry laced their fingers together, preventing the other from distancing himself too much. Maybe it was a bad move, but it was harmless, Harry thought. He'd craved Louis's touch for so long, and after all he'd been through, he thought he deserved it. Besides, Louis was walking a bit like a drunk and, in his fragile state, it was imperative that Harry keep him from falling, lest he hit his head.

His intentions were purely selfless, really, and either way, Louis just smiled, squeezing Harry's hand gently a couple times, perhaps getting used to the feeling again, before falling back into step beside him.

Harry wondered if Louis actually felt anything; if the touch stirred something inside him-a memory that maybe Louis didn't even know he had, but that was still buried somewhere. He wondered if it felt right to Louis, or wrong, or if it just was.

“Do the fans know?” Louis asked after another minute.

“About the accident?”

“Yeah.”

“They know you were injured and are in the hospital. They don't know about the amnesia.”

“But they're going to have to find out, right?”

“That's all up to you,” Harry told him. “It might be difficult to pretend because I'm sure so many of them will be coming up to you on the streets, especially after everything, but you can do it if you really want to, I know you can.”

“No, they deserve to know,” Louis said. “Mum showed me all of the messages and such from them that you all read to me when I was unconscious. They seem to really care.”

“They do,” Harry said. “So you want us to tell them?”

“Actually...can I do it?”

The request took Harry by surprise, but when he really thought about it, a big grin spread across his face.

“I think that's a great idea,” he said. “How do you suggest going about it?”

“ Video,” Louis answered immediately. “That way they know it's really me.”

The fact that that point even crossed Louis's mind made Harry think that his subconscious still remembered things from the past. That brought both hopefulness and pain, but Harry decided to not concentrate on any of it right then.

“Would you like help?” he asked.

***

“Am I recording?”

“Mhm.”

Louis nodded, shifting the piece of paper he had sitting on his lap and clearing his throat before laughing nervously.

“This is really weird and ki n d of terrifying, but okay, here goes.”

He took a deep breath, then continued, smiling first at Harry and then into the phone that his friend was recording him on.

“Hey, guys and ladies, it's Louis here from...One Direction?”

Louis looked inquisitively at Harry, who giggled and nodded his assurance that that was, in fact, the band's name. Louis smiled before looking back to his self-written scrip t , which he'd worked on all the previous night.

“First off, I would just like to thank you all for the amazing messages, arts and everything else that you have sent to me recently, in light of everything that's happened. I spent a month comatose, but Harry, Liam, Niall and Zayn always read your stuff to me, and I have been going back through it all the past few days myself. It always makes me smile and it feels so good to know that there are so many people that care so much.'

'With all that being said, I think you all deserve the whole truth of what is going on. I have been diagnosed with retrograde amnesia, meaning I can't remember anything from before my injury. The only memories I have are from the past couple of weeks, since I've been  a wake. I had to re-meet all of my family and friends, and I've re-met all of you through your messages too.'

'It might not be permanent. I could recover my memories, but I might not. So I'm sorry if I'm not around much for a while. I just wanted to make this quick video for you all since you've been so amazing and supportive through it all. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine, and if you have fun stories you want to share, please do.”

Louis looked back to the camera.

“I'll talk to you all soon. Bye!”

He waved and, smiling, Harry stopped the recording.

“Did I ramble too much?” Louis asked, smiling and messing with his short hair nervously.

“No,” Harry said. “That was perfect.”

“You think?”

“Mhm. Want to watch it back before I upload it?”

Louis debated before shaking his head.

“No. I'll probably hate it and make you record me for an hour until I get it right. Just upload it.”

“If you insist.”

Louis watched intently as Harry logged onto Twitter and uploaded the video, captioning it, 'Message from Louis :).' (The smiley face had been a heart before Harry decided he better change it.)

“It's done,” Harry announced once he got the notification that the video had posted. He sat down on the bed by Louis's feet, but the older guy moved so that he could lay with his head in Harry's lap.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked.

“Yeah. I'm just...I'm a lot of things, but I'm okay.”

“They're going to keep supporting you. We all are.”

“I know.”

“Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“Not really.”

Louis shifted again so that he could grab Harry's arm and beg i n to outline the various tattoos, studying them. Harry grew nervous. Most of their tattoos had been done before they had broken up and when the thought of not being together  had seemed impossible. He wondered if Louis had studied the tattoo s on his own arms and if he would realize how closely they connected to Harry's. 

If he did notice, he didn't say anything.

“Did you know I have a butt tattoo?” he asked, of all things. Harry couldn't help but to laugh loudly.

“ I did,” he said, and added, “Everyone does.”

“Interesting.”

“That's one way of putting it.”

“You know, I'd like to think that all of my tattoos mean something, but looking at them, I can't figure out what. 'Oops,' really?”

Harry laughed again, though his heart clenched up, realizing that Louis couldn't recall how much that tattoo really meant to both of them because now it meant nothing to Louis. None of his tattoos did.

“I'm sure they have stories behind them,” Harry said. Louis hummed noncommittally.

After a few moments, he sat back up.

“Is there any way to see if anyone has seen the video yet?”

Pulling his phone back out, Harry logged onto Twitter to see the site blowing up. The video already had hundreds of re-tweets and 'favorites' and Louis had at least five trends to his name.

“Whoa,” he said, blown away, not for the first time, by the fans' dedication and support.

“What?” Louis asked.

“It's definitely been seen,” Harry said, showing him the screen and explaining exactly what everything meant. Louis was silent, listening to Harry but never taking his eyes off the phone and when Harry really looked, he saw the tears in Louis's eyes, just a blink away from falling out.

“Aw, Lou,” he said gently, laying his phone on the bed to wrap the smaller guy tightly in his arms. It was amazing how right that felt after all this time and everything they had been through.

“I'm sorry,” Louis said, voice cracking as he turned his face into Harry's chest.

“You don't have anything to apologize for,” Harry assured him, fighting his own tears back because this wasn't the time for him to break down too. This was Louis's time, so Harry just held him, whispering soft comforts against his hair and running his nails up and down Louis's back, like it was a few years in the past and Louis had had a bad day. Though everything had changed, it almost felt like nothing had changed at all.

And that could be very dangerous, Harry feared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Thursday!


	6. Chapter 6

People were blowing up Harry's phone and e-mail, offering him record contracts, movie deals and even the occasional modeling job. Harry ignored them all.

Before Louis's accident, Harry had sort of had a plan. He was going to keep writing music and maybe get into fashion design a bit. Perhaps he would even open a bakery and become a businessman until he felt ready to make his own album. He had been excited for his plans.

Now he had nothing on his mind at all except Louis.

He visited the hospital almost every day, only staying away when he knew Louis was having plenty of other visitors because he didn't want to over-exert him. It wasn't completely his fault though. It was hard to want to be anywhere else when Louis would grin like he had the sunshine in his soul whenever Harry entered his room.

Two long weeks later, Louis was finally released. He wanted one of the boys with him as he left the hospital since they knew how to deal with the media attention that they were bound to get better than he would. Liam volunteered before Harry could, and even though Harry wanted to be there for Louis, he had to admit that Liam going instead was probably best. Some people still believed that he and Louis were together (which hadn't been helped by the fact that Harry had been the one to upload his video message) and Harry didn't mind that people thought that, but if he could help it, he wanted to keep that side of things hidden from Louis for his own good.

Harry hoped Louis wouldn't need Liam anyway. He hoped the media would have the decency to stay away even if the knowledge that Louis was being released was somehow leaked.

Unfortunately, the news did leak and, of course, the paparazzi didn't have the courtesy to stay away. Louis was sneaked out of a back exit, but a couple stray paps had already made their way back there, and Harry wanted to kill someone as he watched Louis on his screen, blinking furiously against the cameras flashing and keeping a tight grip on both Liam and one of the security guards who was put in place to help him out. He tried to smile, but he couldn't quite hide the terror on his face. He probably wasn't going to want to leave the house for a while, Harry thought, and it was sad, but he couldn't blame him. The paparazzi could be overwhelming to him still sometimes, and he had been trained and conditioned long ago on what to expect.

As soon as he saw, through the television set, that Louis had gotten into the awaiting car safely and was headed to his mother's house, Harry wanted to call him. He only resisted for fear of overwhelming Louis further. It wasn't a hard thing to do these days.

So, to his honor, Harry waited until after dinner that evening.

“Hello?” Louis answered after only the second ring.

“Hey. It's Harry.”

“I know. Caller ID told me. My phone, at least, didn't forget you.”

“Hallelujah for water proof phone cases.”

“What?”

“It….um...fell in the pool with you.”

Harry shifted awkwardly, but Louis laughed, relaxing him somewhat.

“Oh. Yeah. You're right, thank God for that phone case. There could have been a tragedy.”

Harry laughed even though it wasn't all that funny because, as far as he was concerned, that night was still a tragedy.

“I won't keep you long,” Harry said, though if he had his way, he would talk to Louis all night. “I just wanted to see how you're holding up.”

“I'm okay,” Louis said. “Earlier was a little crazy, but at least I kind of know what to expect from here on. Now I'm just chilling with the family.”

Louis lowered his voice.

“It's nice, but a bit overwhelming too, in a way.”

“Yeah?” Harry asked, sympathy in his voice.

“Yeah, but it's okay. I'll get used to everything again. It's just that my sisters are obsessed with trying to make me remember things and it's sweet, but it's kind of making my head hurt.”

“Do you need me to save you?” Harry asked, keeping his tone teasing even though he was completely serious.

“Nah, they've been so good to me that I guess I owe them the comfort of staying here a night or two,” Louis replied, his tone the same way. “Maybe I'll need a knight in shining armor soon, though. If so, I'll give you a call.”

“Please do.”

Harry heard a young girl call for Louis from the background and Louis shouted a muffled 'hold on' before uncovering the phone and speaking back to Harry.

“I guess I need to go.”

“Okay. I'm glad you're out, but I hope it's all less overwhelming for you soon.”

“I'll be okay, Harry; thanks.”

“Call me if you need anything. Or want anything.”

“I will. Thank you.”

The two said goodbye and Harry was glad that Louis was with his family, but he wished he could be there too. Maybe he would be able to distract the younger siblings so Louis could get some much needed rest.

Well, in the least, he knew Jay would step in, if need be. Louis didn't need Harry. Harry probably needed Louis more than Louis needed him, if he was being honest.

***

Harry didn't hear from Louis for three days, minus his new social media accounts. Liam had even made him a Tumblr page where fans could message him about various memories they had of him, and Liam also assured Harry that he was checking each one first so he could determine whether they were appropriate or not.

Then, finally, Harry's cell phone rang at precisely seven o' clock at night and he answered right away when he saw Louis's name flashing up at him from the screen.

“Hey, Lou.”

“Hi, Harry.”

“What's up?”

“I have a question.”

“Alright. What is it?”

“Do I like mushrooms on my pizza? Because it kind of sounds good, but then the thought of it kind of makes me want to throw up too.”

Harry laughed, switching his phone to his other ear as he replied.

“You used to like mushrooms on your pizza until one time you got a terrible stomach flu right after eating it. I don't know exactly what the situation was; I just remember you lying on the bathroom floor and groaning that you were never eating mushrooms again.”

Louis laughed a little too.

“Ah. That makes perfect sense then.”

It did make perfect sense, giving Harry further hope that Louis's memories weren't completely gone forever.

“I don't recommend trying it again just yet,” Harry said.

“I don't think I will, thanks. How are black olives?”

“You love them.”

“Green peppers?”

“Yep.”

“Ham?”

“On occasion.”

“Jalapenos?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Anchovies?”

“Ew, no. I refuse to believe anybody actually likes anchovies on their pizza.”

Louis laughed.

“So what are you doing?”

“Not much,” Harry answered truthfully. He really needed to get out, probably, but the motivation wasn’t exactly easy to come by these days.

“Do you like pizza?”

“Of course.”

“Do you want to come over and eat pizza with me?”

Harry had to pause and debate for a moment about whether Louis had just asked him what he thought he asked. It wasn't really a big deal, he supposed. It was just pizza, but he hadn't expected Louis to ever invite him to his place again for any reason.

“I would love to come over and eat pizza with you,” Harry said once he realized a bit of time had passed and he hadn't yet answered Louis's question.

“Are you sure?” Louis asked. “It took you quite a while to answer. If you have better things to do, it's really alright. It's not like you're my boyfriend or anything.”

Harry laughed way too loudly. He cleared his throat.

“I'm sure,” he said. “I'll be there soon.”

“So you know where I live?” Louis verified.

_Of course,_ Harry silently replied.  _I used to live there too._

“Yeah,” he answered out loud. “I've been to your place a few times.”

“ Great. See you soon.”

***

Nostalgia hit Harry like a ton of bricks as he pulled into the driveway he’d backed out of, taking Louis to one of their dates, many times before. It hit him so hard that he almost found himself reaching for the garage door opener that wasn't there, but he stopped himself at the last second.

He did briefly find himself reaching into his pocket for a key, though, and hoped his cheeks weren't as red as they felt as he rang the doorbell and waited for Louis to open the door.

“Hello!” he greeted with a smile as he did so, holding back the big canine, Bruce, who was whining excitedly and trying desperately to get to Harry and lick his face.

“Bruce, calm down!” Louis exclaimed exasperatedly. “Wow, he must really like you.”

“Yeah,” Harry said, smiling and leaning down to pet his former fur baby on the head and scratch behind his ears. In return, his hand was coated in dog saliva.

“I guess he won't hurt you,” Louis concluded, letting go of the dog's collar and allowing him to sniff Harry, somehow still seeming to remember him after all this time.

The dog remembered Harry when even Louis didn't.

“He's friendly,” Harry answered Louis, who smiled.

“Whenever you can walk without tripping over a canine, come on in. The pizza is on its way. I had to come outside just to see what my own address is and tell the pizza guy.”

Louis giggled and Harry smiled at him.

“That's okay. They'll just assume this isn't your address then.”

“Good point.”

Louis's walk had improved, Harry noted as he followed Louis inside, Bruce close at his heels. He knew that he had been attending physical therapy and was glad that it seemed to be helping. Though he was going to continue to worry about Louis walking up and down that big staircase…

The next thing Harry noticed was that the house looked pretty much exactly the same as when he'd moved out. Since Louis had just gotten back a day or two ago, he hadn't even had time to let it get messy yet, and it was decorated almost the exact same way as when Harry left. There were new dishes in the kitchen, as Harry had taken th e old ones  when he'd moved out, and Louis had purchased a newer, bigger TV, but other than that, nothing had changed all that much. There were even pictures of them still on the walls; none of the kissing ones, but still. There were pictures of Louis and all of the boys, so it didn't really mean anything, probably, but maybe it did, because, as they'd discussed, they couldn't have even been considered 'friends' after their break-up, and why would Louis keep pictures up of him and someone who had meant not a damn thing to him?

“You're being very quiet,” Louis observed, and Harry jolted back to reality.

“Sorry,” he said. “How are you doing?”

Louis groaned.

“Harry, I'm sorry, but I am  _so_ tired of that question. I'm fine, and if that changes, I'll let you know.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

“No. Don't apologize. It's really nice that you care so much, but I don't like people worrying about me.”

“You never did,” Harry said with a small smile, which Louis returned.

“Do I act pretty much the same as before?”

“Yeah. To be honest, I was a little afraid that it would be hard to, like, communicate with you now, but it's not at all. It's almost like nothing has changed.”

That wasn't exactly true, but, besides the whole Louis being hurt and not remembering anything point, it all had changed for the better. More accurately, things had changed for the better for Louis and Harry's relationship...Friendship...Whatever this was or wherever it was headed.

“You're thinking a lot,” Louis said then. Harry shook his head.

“Just hungry,” he lied, though now that he mentioned it, his stomach rumbled. Louis smiled.

“The pizza should be here really soon,” he promised. “In the mean time, do you want to pick a movie? I have quite the collection.”

“Sure,” Harry agreed, following Louis to the DVD stand he had, which was almost completely filled. “Do you know what your favorite movie is?”

“I do not.”

“Well then,” Harry said, drawing out the words as he searched for _Grease_ and pulled it from the stand, “prepare to be amazed.”

And Louis was amazed. He was so into the movie that when his doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of the pizza, he actually jumped. Smiling, Harry paused the movie as the other got to his feet and hurried to his front door. Harry waited, holding Bruce back until he heard Louis thank the man and then walked into the entryway as Louis closed the door with his backside, being careful not to drop the pizza.

“I'll lock it,” Harry offered. Louis nodded and headed to the kitchen. After locking the door and checking the peephole to make sure the pizza guy had actually left, Harry followed.

“All I have to drink is water,” Louis said as he put two pieces of pizza on each of their plates. “I need to go to the store, but I don't know what I like anymore so I've been putting it off and ordering take-out.”

“ Do you want to go after the movie?” Harry asked. “I think I know what you like, for the most part.”

(Of course he did.)

“That sounds great,” Louis said. “But first... _Grease_! And-”

He held up his plate.

“More grease.”

Harry cackled and Louis smiled, looking proud of himself.

“I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor,” Harry commented as he picked up his plate and went with Louis back to the living room.

***

As promised, Harry went to the grocery with Louis after the movie was finished and the dinner dishes were put away. Both of them were happy to discover that, while Louis couldn't exactly  _remember_ what he liked or didn't like, he had a pretty good feel for it, and Harry couldn't help but to laugh when Louis threw a bag of carrots into the cart with no questions asked. When Louis looked at him strangely, Harry promised to explain later.

Louis was yawning as they put dishes away, his balance and limp becoming worse, so once all of the bags were emptied, Harry felt as if it was his time to leave. He didn't want to. The last time he left, he hadn't been back for three-and-a-half years, but this wasn't his home anymore, as much as it still felt like it. He'd insisted that Louis keep the house once they weren't together anymore, and though he loved the house, he didn't regret it because what he loved most about the house was Louis.

It was Louis that Harry didn't want to leave again.

He tried to take comfort in the fact that he was leaving on much better conditions this time. Instead of crying and shoving against the tight hold Harry had on him, shouting that he just needed him to 'go away, please,' Louis was the one to first hug Harry, telling him to have a good night and thanking him for keeping him company.

The 'click' sound that the door made as it closed behind Harry still hurt though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up on Sunday, but from then on, the story will only be updated once a week (on Sundays, California time.)
> 
> Also, I wanted to add that the chapters will get a little longer really soon. I know not too much is happening right now, but I really wanted to show the beginning stages of Louis's recovery and the transition everyone had to make because of the accident. Sorry if it's boring XD The next chapter will be a little different! I hope you all will be back on Sunday :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, obviously, it is no longer Sunday, even for me. I am going to be honest and say that is because I screwed up majorly. While fact checking and such yesterday, I realized I made an error in Louis and Harry's timeline. A big error. It was bad and I do not deserve to be a fan. So I had to rewrite part of this chapter, and I think it is okay now, but if something is still strange, please feel free to let me know. 
> 
> With that being said, some things may be slightly tweaked for the storyline's sake and others are based off of theories/headcanons. If you are confused...you should understand at the end of the chapter.

“Hey, Lou,” Harry answered his phone after excitedly dropping it when he had seen his ex-boyfriend's name flashing up at him from the screen early the next day.

“I know why you laughed at my carrots now.”

“Yeah?” Harry asked, a beat of hope coursing through him. Had Louis remembered? And if so, how much? Did he know again all of the history between him and Harry and was still choosing to call him?

“Yeah,” Louis said. “I'm watching our um...X Factor video diaries.”

“Oh,” Harry said, feeling disappointed for only a second. He had been silly to think that Louis would miraculously recover his memory over night and he should just be happy that Louis was trying to recover it, or at least reacquaint himself with them. He lightened his tone. “What do you think?”

“I'm wondering how we ever got as famous as everyone is telling me we did.”

Harry laughed.

“Excuse you, but we were always mature and professional individuals.”

“You would know better than I would, Harry, but I'm calling bullshit on that.”

Harry laughed again.

“Okay, I may have stretched the truth a tiny bit.”

“T'was what I thought,” Louis sighed dramatically, and then, “Hey, Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I thought watching these videos would help, but this has triggered nothing.”

The smile that had been on Harry's face the whole conversation so far suddenly slipped from his face.

“It's early, Lou,” he said gently. “Besides, watching it on a video isn't really reliving it. Maybe it would help you if you were actually there.”

“Maybe.”

“Let me make a few calls and then I'll call you back, okay?” Harry asked.

“Okay…,” Louis said, sounding a bit confused.

“I'll talk to you in just a few minutes, I promise,” Harry told him.

“Okay. Bye, Harry.”

“Talk to you soon, Lou.”

Harry made his calls quickly, but successfully. When he called Louis back, the other answered on the first ring.

“Hey,” Harry greeted. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow? Nothing. Why?”

“I'll pick you up at eleven, okay?”

Louis agreed, no questions asked, and Harry was painfully reminded of the times when he would get the sudden urge to take Louis out on a date; stop whatever he was doing and say to his boyfriend, “Come on, let's go,” or, if he was on his way home from somewhere, “See you soon. Be ready to go when I get back.”

Louis would agree every time, no questions asked then either because he trusted Harry and did whatever he could to make him happy.

Maybe that was part of their problem, Harry would later wonder. Maybe Louis spent too much time focusing on Harry's happiness and not his own. If that was true, then perhaps Harry deserved what had come to him because he allowed Louis to do that.

***

This wasn't a date. Harry shouldn't be so concerned with what he was wearing, and he definitely shouldn't be getting butterflies either. He was, though, and when Louis climbed into his passenger side seat and smiled at him, Harry couldn't help but to see just a brief flashback to younger Louis; the Louis that was his, when he was happy.

Harry cleared his throat.

“Are you hungry?” he asked the other man.

“Kind of,” Louis admitted., “but what are we doing today?”

_“_ _Where are we going?” younger Louis had asked, a big grin on his face as he bounced in his seat excitedly._

“The theater where we auditioned for X Factor,” Harry said. “If we're going to relive that wonderful chaos, we might as well start from the beginning.”

Louis smiled. Harry returned it.

“Lunch first?” the younger man asked.

***

Harry took Louis to the very first restaurant they had eaten together at; their first 'date' in a way. They had sneaked out of the theater just to go. It had been Harry's suggestion, but Louis agreed readily even though Harry had very specifically called it a 'lunch date' and glared Zayn down when he tried to include himself and the other boys in the plans too.

Harry didn't tell Louis that, of course. That wasn't a memory he necessarily wanted to trigger for anyone but himself, even though he could replay the day in his head without even trying.

_The restaurant wasn't too far from where they were staying, so Harry and Louis decided to walk there. Their fame was still in the very beginning stages, so they didn't have a worry in the world as they walked down the block holding hands. Every now and the_ _n,_ _Louis would giggle and when Harry asked him what was so funny, Louis would reply that he was 'just happy.'_

_Harry himself was smiling so much that his cheeks hurt._

_The restaurant was nothing fancy; just a little cafe where you ordered your food up at the front counter and then found your own table or booth to sit at while you waited for it to be prepared, but it was nicely decorated inside and they had their small fireplace lit, protecting the inside from the crisp November air._

_After ordering their food, the pair took their drinks-Louis ordered tea and Harry a soda-and sat down at a booth by a side window._

_“Have you been here before?” Louis asked, making eye contact with Harry after looking around a bit._

_“No, never,” Harry admitted. “Everyone online seemed to like it, so...”_

_“I like it too,” Louis had told him. “It's nice.”_

_Harry smiled and Louis did too._

_And that was the day that Harry knew he was in love. What he felt went beyond a crush. It wasn't just that he thought Louis was cute and funny. He loved the guy with his entire being, every part of him, even the flaws._

_That was both the best and the most terrifying feeling that Harry had felt in his sixteen years of life._

“Hello, Harry, Louis!” the lady at the front counter greeted the pair. She was the owner, Elena, but she often worked the counter or even did the janitorial duties, not wanting to let her employees think that she was at all better than them. Harry and Louis had gotten to know her fairly well in their younger years, as they frequented the cafe where they'd had their first date as often as they could.

Harry hadn't been there in nearly four years, but he still remembered the woman.

“ Hi, Elena,” Harry greeted with a smile while Louis waved, staring at the woman's face intently, as if that would help him remember who she was.

“I'm Elena,” the woman said to him with a reassuring smile. “I'm the owner of this restaurant. You and your friends used to come here often.”

“Oh,” Louis said, his confused look turning to a smile. “Sorry, I...”

Louis gestured to his head, unable to decide how best to explain the situation, but Elena gave him another of her warm, comforting smiles and said,

“I know, dear. I heard the news. I'm so sorry that happened to you.”

Louis shrugged, still smiling, and Elena gave a small laugh.

“At any rate, I'm glad to see you boys again. It's been a while.”

Louis obviously didn't know what to say about that and, honestly, Harry didn't either, but luckily, Elena didn't wait for a response.

“So what can I get for you boys today?”

“What's my favorite?” Louis asked Harry, head tilted cutely to the side as he smiled at him. Harry wanted to tell him exactly how cute he was and then kiss him on his adorable little nose, but instead, he turned to Elena and ordered Louis's favorite meal of burger and chips.

“I've got this,” Louis said, getting out his wallet as Harry went to get out his own.

“You sure?” Harry asked.

“You've been so great with everything that the least I can do is buy your food,” Louis said before adding, “Besides, I'm rich.”

“I know you are,” Harry said with a laugh.

Feeling sentimental, Harry led Louis to sit in the booth they were at during their first date so long ago, and it made him happy but also sad because this time, he couldn't reach across the table and take Louis's hand, as he'd done towards the end of their meal all those years ago. Louis wouldn't kiss him on the cheek on the way out the door, giggle and say, “Thanks for lunch, Hazza.” They wouldn't walk to the theater holding hands. They weren't in the beginning stages of their relationship. They had broken up three-and-a-half years ago and Louis couldn't even remember being with him, or all the good times that they had.

At least he couldn't remember the bad times either. Harry had to take small comfort in that.

Once they had finished lunch and said goodbye to Elena, it was onto the studio where the live X Factor shows had been filmed. Louis stared out the window on the way, taking in the scenes around him, but he stayed quiet, so Harry guessed it wasn't triggering anything.

Harry and Louis were let in by the lone security guard who was working that day for the sole purpose of allowing them into the place. He greeted them by first name, but then went on his way.

“Do we know him?” Louis whispered, bumping into Harry as he moved closer.

“No,” Harry assured him. Louis smiled.

“Okay. No offense to that man, but I'm kind of glad. It's exhausting trying to remember so many people.”

“Don't push yourself. If you're going to remember, you'll do it in your own time. If not...”

Harry trailed off, but Louis kept his eyes on him, waiting for him to finish the thought.

“...Well, that's what you have the rest of us for,” Harry concluded. “So we can help you relive those moments and make it almost like you never forgot.”

Louis smiled, accepting that statement.

“So where exactly are we headed in this place?” he asked.

“To the stage,” Harry said. Louis nodded and didn't ask any further questions.

When they reached the actual theater part of the building, Louis looked around in amazement.

“This place is pretty big,” he commented. “I think I'm getting stage fright and I'm not even auditioning.”

“Oh, honey, this is nothing compared to most of the other places we performed,” Harry told him, and froze for a minute, fearing Louis would shut down at being called 'honey,' but then Harry realized that it probably wasn't that weird to Louis now, in this context.

“Come on,” Harry said then, leading Louis up onstage. “Okay, now stand here.”

Gently moving Louis by the shoulders, Harry set him in place, then stepped back, observed and shook his head.

“Actually, it was more like...”

He moved him again.

“...here.”

Louis smiled, unsure, and Harry gave him a confident grin before saying,

“Okay, wait right there. I'll be right back.”

Leaving Louis where he was, Harry quickly jogged backstage, grabbed a microphone and then hurried back out.

“Take this,” he instructed, handing Louis the object.

“Anything?” Harry asked when Louis only continued to stare at him, that same smile still on his face.

“No,” he said quietly.

“Okay, hold on.”

Taking out his phone, Harry opened his youtube app, found, 'Hey There Delilah' and began to play it. Louis listened intently until both the first verse and chorus had finished and then shook his head.

“Nothing. Was that my audition song?”

“Yeah. Hold on.”

Next, Harry found Louis's actual audition and began to play that. Louis's face morphed into something akin to horror.

“What in the bloody fuck is this?!” he asked.

“Your audition,” Harry told him.

“It's wretched. Turn it off.”

Harry sighed dramatically.

“You really haven't changed a bit, Lou.”

Closing his app, Harry locked his phone and slid it into his back pocket, where it had come from. It was Louis's turn to sigh then.

“I'm never going to remember anything,” he said.

“It's early,” Harry replied. “Give yourself time. Besides, this isn't even where you actually auditioned. Maybe if we went to that arena, it would be more helpful.”

“No. It won't and I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of hoping that something that someone says or does will trigger things and suddenly I'll remember something; anything.”

Louis went by Harry to sit on the edge of the stage, his feet dangling over the front. Harry joined him but didn't say a word until Louis spoke first.

“Sorry, Harry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“You drove all this way and took time out of your day to help me remember something and I just can't.”

“No, hey, it's okay. Even if there was a zero percent chance, according to the doctors, that you would get your memories back, I would still try if that was what you wanted.”

“Maybe I shouldn't even bother,” Louis said. “I don't want to keep seeing the disappointment in everyone's eyes when they try so hard to help me and nothing changes.”

“No one is disappointed in you,” Harry told Louis, fingers twitching as he barely resisted the urge to place a comforting hand on the other's knee. “You might be disappointed that it's not working so far and that's okay. Just don't be disappointed in yourself, okay?”

Finally, Louis looked to Harry and a small smile touched his lips.

“Alright,” he said. “I'm done feeling sorry for myself.”

Louis stood and Harry followed suit.

“Where is the bathroom around here?” the older man asked. Harry smiled in a way that was probably strange for such a question, but Louis didn’t comment if he found it unusual.

“Follow me,” Harry said, and Louis did.

“Wait, Harry, I just saw a loo right back there,” Louis said after Harry passed up one bathroom in search of another.

“I know,” Harry said, “but we're going to a different one.”

“Okay…,” Louis said, but asked no further questions.

Once they reached the destination, Harry pushed open the door and held it for Louis, who thanked him and walked in, looking around curiously.

“So what's so special about this bathroom?” he asked after failing to find the answer on his own.

“It's where we met,” Harry explained. Louis quirked an eyebrow.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Are we going to re-enact that moment too?”

“Eh, I don't think you really want to do that.”

“Why?”

“Because I peed on you.”

Louis laughed louder, covering his mouth as he continued to giggle and tried to compose himself. When he succeeded, he lowered his hand and asked,

“Did you really?”

“I did, unfortunately. Or maybe fortunately because it was a definite ice breaker and you were a cutie.”

_Oh shit_. Harry should not have said that. It was a very weird thing for someone who was just a friend to say. _Shit, shit, shit_.

“You're quite the charmer, Styles,” Louis said, not seeming bothered by the flirtation. “By the way, what is your real name?”

“My real name?” Harry repeated, his panic over what he'd let slip from his lips moving aside for confusion over Louis's question.

“Yeah,” Louis said.

“It's Harry...”

“Okay, but what's your real last name?”

“Styles...”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah...”

“Oh. It kind of sounds like a stage name. I like it though. It's nice.”

“Thank you.”

Louis nodded. Harry cleared his throat.

“I'll just wait outside.”

“Okay.”

Leaving Louis to attend to his business alone, Harry exited the restroom and sat on the floor, his back against the wall, once again unable to stop the bittersweet memories from playing in his mind like a movie.

 

_ Harry had seen Louis around before. It was hard not to. The kid was loud; a true social butterfly. And he was beautiful. _

_Up until that point, Harry hadn't known what he wanted and he hadn't been too concerned with that. He'd never really had a 'crush' before, so he wasn't exactly sure, but he thought maybe he liked boys. He found them just as attractive as he found girls, if not more so. No one had ever given him 'butterfly' feelings, though, or kept him up at night, so who really knew?_

_Not Harry, that's for sure._

_That was, not until he saw Louis Tomlinson._

_Now, Harry didn't believe in love at first sight. Love required a deep knowledge of the other person, but attraction could be instantaneous and in this case, it definitely was. While it was impossible at that point for him to love Louis, he was attracted to him and wanted to get to know him; perhaps eventually love him. His stomach got that strange, wonderful, feeling whenever he heard his loud, boisterous laugh, or even his name, and Harry sometimes was kept awake thinking of how their story could go if they were together._

_There was a problem, though. Louis had a girlfriend. So Harry was stuck dreaming, and he guessed he was okay with that. He had to be, because under no circumstances was he going to say 'hi' and start a conversation with a straight guy who could either hurt Harry because he disgusted him, or make him fall in love-and then hurt him in another, possibly worse, way._

_Harry's dream world was definitely fine._

_And then he was ripped back into reality, which turned out better than he could have ever imagined._

_In Harry's dream world, when Louis and Harry finally spoke, it was under a circumstance worthy of the movies. Perhaps Louis would hear him sing and come tell him how amazing he was (so Harry could return the sentiment and charm him.) Or maybe the two would be placed together for groups and fall into one another while doing one of those ridiculous dance moves. Honestly, the latter was probably the more likely of the scenarios._

_Never did Harry think he and Louis's relationship would start the way it did._

_Harry was in the bathroom, at a urinal, just doing his business, when he distantly heard the bathroom door open and shut. There were a couple of other people in there with Harry already, but it wasn't that crowded and so the newest man to enter didn't really have to stand at the urinal right next to Harry's. It was breaking some sort of moral ethic, Harry thought, and then proceeded to break one of his own by turning to see who exactly the newcomer was. It was Louis; **the** Louis that he had been dreaming of for nights now, and when Harry realized that, he did a double-take, turning his whole body mid-pee and splashing the other with it._

_'I'm so sorry,' Harry opened his mouth to say, but as the pair's eyes locked again, Harry's brain seemingly shut down._

_“Oops,” he said instead, and wanted to smack himself._

_He expected to be told off by the other teen; maybe even hit, but once Louis came out of his shock, he laughed. Actually laughed at being peed on._

_Harry could almost hear angels singing._

_“Hi,” the boy said._

_**Apologize now** _ _ , Harry told himself, but instead, out came, _

_“Hi, I'm Harry.”_

_“Louis.”_

_“Louis,” Harry repeated, even though he'd already known that, and he resisted the urge to say the name a few more times. He liked how it felt and sounded coming out of his mouth._

_“Louis,” the other verified, finishing his business and getting himself situated. “And you're Harry.”_

_“I'm Harry,” Harry agreed, realizing he had been finished for quite some time and packing himself away as well._

_“Hm,” Louis hummed, going to wash his hands in the sink. Harry joined at the one next to him._

_“I'm sorry,” he finally managed to say, and Louis laughed again._

_“I suppose I'll forgive you just this once.”_

_Harry smiled. Louis continued._

_“I've actually seen you perform a couple of times,” he said. “You're really good. Like, **really** good.”_

_“Thank you,” Harry said, his cheeks heating up. “So are you.”_

_Louis rolled his eyes._

_“Thanks,” he said quickly. “But, hey, since you're clearly going to be famous one day, can I get a picture in advance? Just to show people that I knew you when you were just a young curly lad.”_

_“You want a picture of me?” Harry asked, turning off the sink as he grabbed a few paper towels._

_“It's not weird,” Louis said, “not since you're going to be famous.”_

_“No, it's not weird,” Harry agreed. “But I'd hate to disappoint you.”_

_“You won't. You'll make it big,” Louis promised. Harry wasn't sure, but he agreed anyway._

_“On one condition,” he added, after he'd already said yes._

_“What is it?”_

_“If I'm famous, no forging my signature and selling this picture for money on the internet.”_

_Louis laughed. Harry had made Louis laugh!_

_“Don't worry,” Louis assured him. “This picture won't be going to anyone but me.”_

  


“Okay, I'm ready,” Louis announced, and Harry jumped. He hadn't even heard the bathroom door open and had no idea how long Louis had been standing next to him. Smiling, embarrassed, Harry stood up and straightened out his pants. 

“So, dessert time then?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, again, I am not an expert on One Direction's timeline and I do my best to research it and keep the story as close to reality as possible, but this is a fan fiction. Nice critiquing/correction is lovely, but please don't castrate me. 
> 
> Next chapter on Sunday! (Most likely but I am making no more promises because I am a disaster and can't keep them)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder, since I had a crap ton of notes last time, that anything in italics is a flashback :)

Liam and Zayn had planned to throw a party the next week, as they were finally going to be heading back to LA, but Harry and Niall were both a little leery about attending another party; or, rather, Louis attending a party, so instead, they just had a sleepover.

“I feel like a teenager,” Niall commented as he, the last to arrive, entered Liam's penthouse with his overnight bag in hand. He was heading back to Ireland soon, or so he kept saying, but he'd met a girl while out with Zayn a couple weeks before, and Harry thought she might keep him in London a little longer, whether she meant to or not.

“Is that a bad thing?” Liam asked.

“Not sure.”

“Hi, Ireland!” Louis greeted, waving at the other from his position on his stomach in front of the TV. Niall cackled, as he did every time Louis called him that new nickname, amused by it even though it only came to be because Louis had forgotten his real name on their second meeting, but hadn't forgotten 'that accent.'

“Hi, Lou,” Niall said once he'd stopped laughing and went to sit on the empty side of Louis (Harry, of course, was on his other.)

“Hey, not nice,” Louis scolded as Niall grabbed a handful of crisps from the bowl in front of Louis and shoved them into his mouth.

“Whatcha gonna do about it?” Niall asked after chewing and swallowing.

“Beat you up,” Louis replied simply, climbing on top of his friend and pretending to punch him in the face. Niall returned the abuse and, soon, the two were rolling around Liam's living room floor laughing and hollering. It was all in good fun, and Harry knew that, but he still didn't like it. He hadn't even liked it when Louis hadn't been recently severely injured, so now he had to literally bite his tongue so as not to tell them to stop.

A 'crack' sound that soon followed the boys' shouts made Harry gasp and, not that he wanted Niall to be hurt either, but he prayed that the sound hadn't come from Louis.

“Ooowww,” Niall whined, and Harry felt like a terrible person that he was relieved.

“Shit, Ireland, are you okay?” Louis asked, backing off the man, who sat up, rubbing his head.

“My brain,” he continued to whine.

“Niall?” Louis asked, face contorted with concern. Niall squinted his eyes at him.

“Who are you again?”

“Dick,” Louis muttered, pushing Niall backwards gently as the other laughed. Liam and Harry simultaneously rolled their eyes while Zayn laughed along with Niall.

“Okay,” Liam finally said, “Enough of that. Lets get some food and then we're going to reintroduce Louis to _Batman_.”

“ _Batman_ ?” Louis asked curiously. 

“It's a movie. You love it,” Liam said. Harry and Zayn exchanged amused smiles, but didn't say a word.

Louis was very interested in getting to re-experience  _Batman_ , so the boys made popcorn and called that dinner before settling; Liam and Zayn sitting unnecessarily close on one side of the couch while Niall sat on the other, phone out and no doubt texting his girl. Harry was in Liam's recliner, sitting up, and while Louis started out next to Niall, he soon made his way onto the recliner with Harry, after asking permission, of course.

“I know Niall likes to eat,” he said as he squeezed his little body next to his ex-boyfriend's side, “so he can probably eat the whole bowl by himself.”

“ Well, luckily enough, I don’t eat all that much,” Harry said, scooting his own popcorn bowl closer to Louis, who took a handful and shoved it in his mouth with a smile. Harry returned the smile and then leaned them back, his entire self warming as Louis rested  his  head on his shoulder.

Feeling eyes on him, Harry slowly turned his head until he saw Zayn gazing at him, a slight frown on his face. Not a word was said, and Zayn turned back to the TV after a few moments. Harry decided to ask him what that was about later.

Louis did seem very into the movie, and whenever Liam actually peeled his eyes away from the screen to gauge his friend's reaction, he smirked. Typically, Harry might scold Liam for manipulating Louis in such a way, but he seemed to be having a good time and, besides, it had given Harry a chance to be close to him, so he decided to let this one slide.

“So…?” Liam prodded once the credits started rolling.

“That was a really good movie,” Louis commented. “Is there a second one?”'

Instead of answering, Liam cackled, causing Louis to jump a little.

“I knew it!” he exclaimed. “I knew you secretly loved that movie!”

“...What?” Louis asked and, feeling an argument coming on, Harry stood, feeling chilly against the absence of Louis's body.

“Hey, Z, do you want to come see if we can find any real food in the kitchen to make?” he asked.

“I would love to,” Zayn said, standing as well. The two walked off, leaving Liam and Louis's raised voices behind. Harry was thinking quickly, trying to come up with a way to kindly ask what the hell earlier was about, but Zayn saved him that trouble.

“Louis is really attached to you,” he commented.

“Yeah, well, I mean, we're friends again,” Harry said with a shrug, opening and closing one of Liam's cupboards without really looking inside of it.

“That seems like more than friendship,” he said.

“ I could say the same thing about how close you and Liam were.”

“That's different. We've never been together and broken up.”

“Neither have Louis and I, as far as he's aware.”

“Harry...what if he's falling for you again?”

The question sent a jolt of excitement through Harry's body and he tried to hide it, but he could feel the smile breaking across his face. Zayn's eyes widened and he gave a slight shake of the head.

“This is wrong, Harry.”

“How?!” Harry asked, voice louder than he'd intended. He lowered his volume. “How is it wrong?”

Instead of answering, Zayn asked another question.

“Do you plan on telling him about the history between you two?”

“No.”

“Then that's how it's wrong, Harry. You're trying to get back with him, but you're keeping a big part of your true relationship from him.”

“I'm not  _trying_ to get back with him, and it wasn't my fault we broke up.”

“I know that, but he still deserves to know, whether you two are getting back together or not.”

“I don't see how it's necessary for him to know.”

Zayn raised an eyebrow and fish-mouthed for a few moments. Harry found it best to not ponder too hard over what Zayn had on his mind that he kept not telling him.

“ That was a huge chunk of four years of his life. We're supposed to be helping him recover his memories, not repressing them.”

“Even if I tell him we were together, he probably won't remember. He wont remember how happy we were. All he'll know is the end, which hurt, and what good will that do any of us?”

“It's his life!”

“Zayn, please,” Harry said, his tone turning to a plead. “Don't tell him.”

After debating silently for a good few seconds, Zayn sighed.

“I won't. Not yet. But if things are going to go further with you two, then  _you_ need to tell him, Harry.”

“I will,” Harry said, not sure if he meant his words, but he was prepared to say whatever he had to to get Zayn to keep his mouth shut.

“I'm not trying to be a dick,” Zayn said after another sigh. “I just don't want either of you hurt again and I'm terrified that not telling him is going to blow up in your face.”

“It will be fine,” Harry assured him. “Now, let's find food.”

“Okay, but one more question.”

“What is it?”

“Do you still love him?”

“Of course.”

“Like you did three-and-a-half years ago?”

“Of course. I never stopped.”

“Then why didn't you ever do anything about it?”

“That was more than one question,” Harry pointed out, mainly because the lump in his throat warned against talking about that subject any longer. Truthfully, he'd asked himself Zayn's last question plenty of times, but dwelling on it wasn't going to do any good, especially now.

“Pizza rolls good?” Zayn asked, seeming okay with changing the subject, and Harry was grateful.

 

***

When the three that Zayn and Harry had left in the living room decided that they were taking too long, they came to join the pair in the kitchen, Louis standing on his tiptoes behind Harry to rest his chin his shoulder. Smiling, Harry turned his head as far to the side as it could go.

“Well, hello, there.”

“Hi, Ha-Harry,” Louis stuttered, and Harry turned around, holding onto Louis's arms so as not to knock him off-balance.

“Did you almost forget my name?!” Harry asked, still smiling so Louis wouldn't think he was upset.

“No!” Louis said with his own sheepish grin.

“You totally did!”

“No, I didn't!” Louis exclaimed, and then shrieked as Harry began a tickle attack on him. (Of course, he kept a tight hold on him.)

“You better not have,” the youngest of the five friends said, raising his voice only a little to be heard around Louis's laughs. “I forgave you once, but you might not get so lucky a second time.”

“I will,” Louis managed.

“How do you know?”

“Because you love me!”

Harry laughed then.  _Oh, Louis, if you only knew._

“Maybe a little,” he said, ending his attack as Louis gasped for breath and then helping him to sit on a bar stool. Niall sniffled obnoxiously.

“Aren't they cute?” he asked, one hand clutched to his chest. Zayn put on an oven mitt and opened the oven for the sole purpose of taking out a half-cooked pizza roll and chucking it at Niall's head.

***

Once the food was done, (“I really question your opinion of 'real' food,” Liam had said), the boys took their plates to the living room to watch another  _Batman._ Apparently, however the argument between Liam and Louis had gone, it hadn't deterred Louis from the series.

“How rude,” Liam commented, seemingly randomly, about halfway through the movie. Everyone looked at him, questioning, but not daring to speak during the man's favorite movie. “Louis fell asleep,” he explained, nodding to the guy next to Harry. Upon looking, Harry saw that Louis had, indeed, fallen asleep, right on Harry's shoulder. His heart skipped a beat.

“Well, this is my least favorite  _Batman_ too,” Niall commented. Harry didn't look, his eyes still trained on the gorgeous sleeping man, but by the sounds of it, he earned another object being thrown at him.

“Should we draw on him?” Zayn asked, a devious tone to his voice. Niall cackled, but it was cut short when Harry scolded coldly,

“No.”

“Come on, he would do it to us,” Zayn pointed out.

“Yeah, but it's not his fault he tires easily. His brain is still trying to heal, you know.”

“You didn't have to get so serious about it,” Zayn said after a brief pause. Harry ignored that.

“Liam, can I take him to one of the guest rooms?”

“Sure, mate. Do you want me to pause the movie for you?”

“No, that's okay.”

Moving slowly and carefully, Harry managed to stand and get Louis into his arms without waking him. He stirred, but didn't wake, and Harry carried him to bed like he'd done on more than one occasion.

  


_Harry would normally be the one to fall asleep first while they had movie nights, but sometimes when Louis was extra tired, he would drift off first. Sometimes, Harry would force himself to stay awake just because he found it so cute how Louis would start to fall asleep and then jerk himself awake and clear his throat like nothing had happened. Then,_ _when_ _he couldn't possibly fight it anymore, his head would fall to the side and light snores would start coming from his nose._

_The first time it happened, Harry mentally high-fived himself. Louis would tease him each time he fell asleep during a movie, asking him who was the old man in the relationship and make loud, exaggerated snores while explaining to Harry that he only carried him to bed because he couldn't hear the damn movie anymore._

_(Never mind that Harry knew for a fact that Louis stayed in bed with him for the rest of the night afterward.)_

_The second thing that Harry did the first time Louis fell asleep was take a picture for blackmail, and the third was turn off the movie. Louis still hadn't stirred._

_“Babe?” Harry whispered in his ear softly, almost inaudibly because he didn't really want Louis to wake up, which he didn't. Smiling, Harry stood and scooped up his boyfriend easily, being extremely careful as he carried him up the stairs and to their room._

_When Louis's body hit the cold sheets of the bed, he gasped and jerked awake._

_“Sh, sh,” Harry hushed quietly. “Go back to sleep. I love you.”_

_“Wasn't asleep,” Louis muttered, groggily rubbing his eyes. Harry sat down by his feet, quirking one eyebrow._

_“I think that's a big lie,” he commented. Louis shook his head, blinking rapidly before focusing his eyes on his boyfriend._

_“Wasn't,” he insisted._

_“Okay, love,” Harry said, climbing over Louis's legs to lay down in his spot next to him. Louis rolled onto his side to face him, looking pretty awake as he slid his hands up Harry's shirt, making him. jump._

_“You know, usually when you carry me to bed, you at least are gentlemanly enough to undress me too.”_

_“Well, I wasn't going to have sex with you while you were asleep,” Harry told him. Louis scooted closer, nibbling on Harry's ear before saying,_

_“Well, I'm not asleep now.”_

  


“Hm?” Louis muttered as Harry laid him in Liam's guest bed.

“Sh,” Harry hushed. “Go back to sleep.”

“Wasn't asleep,” Louis said, rubbing his eyes before opening them. Harry beamed.

“Yeah, you really haven't changed much at all,” he commented. Louis frowned, confused, but decided not to ask and looked around instead.

“Are we still at Liam's?”

“Yeah, in one of the guest rooms.”

“Is the movie over?”

“Shouldn't you know the answer to that question if you weren't asleep?”

Louis glared, but it was broken by a yawn.

“Maybe I was asleep a little bit.”

“That's what I thought. And no, the movie isn’t over, but I'm sure Liam will gladly re-watch it with you sometime.”

“Mm...good,” Louis said, his eyes closing again for a moment before he jolted himself back to consciousness.

“You can sleep,” Harry told him.

“Are you going to sleep too?”

“Sure,” Harry said, knowing that he wouldn't fall asleep at seven o' clock in the evening, but hoping if he said yes that Louis would ask him to stay.

He was in luck.

“Will you go to sleep here?”

“Okay.”

Harry tried to make it sound like he wasn't _completely_ thrilled at the invitation.

“Should we change first?” Harry asked.

“Maybe later,” Louis said. In the past, Harry would help Louis get comfortable if he was too tired to do it himself, but now thought that would be highly inappropriate.

“Good night, Lou,” Harry said.

“Night, Haz,” Louis muttered, sounding at least half out of it already. Harry's eyes widened.

“What did you call me?” he asked. Louis didn't reply, breathing in and out slowly and steadily.

“Lou?”

Louis was back in his dreamland, though, and so Harry reluctantly laid down next to him without another word, hoping that the sleep was, indeed, mending his brain and that maybe that was a sign that he would remember _something_ when he awoke.

Despite what he thought, Harry did fall asleep quickly. He dreamed of Louis.

  


_As Harry woke, he had a moment of panic because when he reached blindly beside him in search of Louis, the man wasn't there. Louis never woke before him unless he was sick or something, and so Harry bolted upright fast enough to make himself dizzy. The bathroom door was open and the room vacant so, yawning, Harry started to get out of bed in search of his boyfriend, but he only had one leg out from the covers when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs and decided to wait._

_Moments later, Louis walked in, still in his pajamas, but looking healthy and carrying a tray with two bowls. Harry smiled._

_“Morning, love,” the younger man greeted._

_“Good, you are awake,” Louis said in response. “I thought you were starting to stir.”_

_“Did you bring me breakfast in bed?” Harry asked, helping Louis with the tray as the other climbed back into bed._

_“No, these are both are for me,” Louis teased._

_“Hm. Well, not anymore,” Harry teased right back, picking up his spoon and digging into one of the bowls of cereal, one of the only meals Louis was an expert at._

_“How much of a mess did you make carrying these upstairs?” Harry asked as Louis began eating too._

_“Excuse you, but my middle name is Grace.”_

_“Is it? I didn't know that. Louis Grace Tomlinson. That's such a wonderful name.”_

_“I know; try not to be too jealous.”_

_The two continued to eat in silence, Louis flipping on the television in their room at one point._

_“So what woke you up so early?” Harry asked as they finished, placing Louis's empty bowl on top of his own and setting the tray on the ground._

_“I dunno,” Louis said, not peeling his eyes from the TV._

_“Well, is everything okay?” Harry questioned next. Finally, Louis looked over at him and gave a smile._

_“Everything is perfect, Harry.”_

  


That morning when Harry woke up, it was to the sound of laughter and shouting. Turning his head, he saw that Louis had already gotten up, and when he looked at the clock, he saw why. It was nearing eleven o' clock!

Jumping out of bed, Harry fixed his hair in the mirror over the dresser and then followed the sounds of his friends to the kitchen, where the group was eating.

“Morning, you lazy bum!” Liam greeted, and Louis's head whipped around. When he saw Harry standing there, he smacked Zayn upside the head.

“See?! I told you all that you were going to wake him up!”

“It's okay,” Harry said with a reassuring smile. “I don't usually sleep that late anyway. I don't know what's wrong with me.”

“Are you getting sick?” Louis asked, his forehead creased and eyebrows pulled together in concern.

“No,” Harry assured him, and he wasn't, but he would still be okay with Louis kissing his forehead to check for a fever anyway.

He didn't.

“We have to be leaving soon anyway,” Liam said, as the others had to get him and Zayn to the airport in time to catch their one-thirty flight. “But first; egg sandwich, Harry?”

“Sure,” Harry said, accepting the plate his friend held out for him.

“Louis made them,” Louis said.

“Um...excuse you?” Niall retorted. Louis giggled.

“Okay, Niall made them, but Louis watched intently.”

“That counts for something,” Harry told him.

“What? It counts for nothing,” Niall disagreed.

“I had to re-learn how to make egg sandwiches, Niall,” Louis told the younger man.

“You never knew how to make egg sandwiches in the first place,” Niall said. Louis giggled and stood, looking at Harry and nodding to the chair.

“You can sit there. I'm going to get a shower.”

Harry accepted the seat as Louis disappeared around the corner. The room was met with silence at his absence, but when the sound of running water could be heard coming from a nearby bathroom, all heads simultaneously snapped towards Harry, who stopped chewing as he glanced nervously at them all.

“What?” he asked once he'd managed to finish his bite.

“We need to talk,” Liam said.

“Li-Li, if you're breaking up with me, you don't have to do it in front of our friends,” Harry teased to try to calm himself down. Unamused, Liam narrowed his eyes.

“Seriously, Harry.”

“Okay. Seriously what?”

“We're worried about you.”

“Why…?”

“It seems that you're getting a little too...um...involved with Louis.”

Harry rolled his eyes, looking to Zayn.

“Didn't we talk about this yesterday?”

Liam didn't give Zayn a chance to reply.

“It's not good for you,” Liam said. “I know you're probably thinking this is your chance to start over or whatever, but it's not. His memory might be gone, but what happened is still there and if you think he's never going to find out, you're in denial. In the least, he'll get suspicious and ask, and then what? Are you going to lie him?”

“If no one tells him, how will he ever know?” Harry asked.

“Eventually, someone is going to say something to him, whether it be another friend or a fan. We're all doing the best we can to keep a lot of things on a 'need to know' basis, but we can't be there all the time and we can't stop someone from outright saying it even if we are.”

“Besides, have you forgotten about the corresponding tattoos covering both of your damn arms?” Niall added. “Louis might have brain damage, but he's still not stupid. He's already asked me about what some of them mean and I had to lie to him, and that felt terrible. I can't do it again, Harry.”

“Do it for him, guys,” Harry begged. He pushed his plate away from him, suddenly not hungry anymore. “You know how he got during that time. We can't let that happen again.”

“Are you not listening to what we're saying, Harry?” Liam spoke again. “He's going to find out, or he'll recover his memory, and when he does that, he's still going to have these memories too. How do you think he's going to feel knowing that you were planning a reconciliation while keeping a huge part of his life hidden from him?”

Harry sighed, unsure how to answer. They all had a point, but Harry didn't think he could physically walk away or distance himself from Louis at this point.

“I think he wanted to reconcile at the party that night,” Harry finally said. “We were talking and we didn't get very far, but I think that's where things were headed.”

“You _think_ so, but you don't know for sure,” Liam said. “And neither does Louis, so in the grand scheme of things, I don't think that's going to make things any better.”

“We could be back together now,” Harry whined pathetically, horrified when he felt tears prickling his eyes. He couldn't help it. He felt so attacked and he was both angry and sad about it. All of the other guys seemed to notice and glanced at each other. When Liam spoke again, his tone was softer.

“We're just worried about you, mate. I'm not going to pretend like any of us know how you're feeling with all of this, but, Harry...you and Lou haven't been together for years now, so I don't understand-”

“That's not our fault!” Harry interrupted. Liam frowned.

“I know, but it's still fact. I just don't want you hurt again; either of you.”

“If you think I haven't been hurting for the past three-and-a-half years, then none of you really know me at all,” Harry commented, and the conversation was left at that because then they heard footsteps coming towards the kitchen.

When he entered, Louis gave them all suspicious looks.

“Why so quiet?” he asked. “You were all talking about me, weren't you?”

“No,” Niall said, but Louis's eyes were on Harry, who stood and made his way quickly from the kitchen, bumping Louis as he went by.

_Pull yourself together, Harry_ , the man chided himself as he shut the door to the guest bedroom where he and Louis had slept last night. The boys were really just concerned about his and Louis's well-being, and he knew that, but they didn't understand. Harry shouldn't expect them to, but they shouldn't act like Harry was betraying Louis by trying to keep him safe and happy either. If Louis fell for him again, well, that was their own business. He wasn't doing anything special to make it happen. If Louis fell in love with Harry all over again, then maybe it was just fate.

“Harry?”

Louis's voice and a knock on the door brought Harry back to reality and he stopped pacing, untangling his hands from his hair as he looked to the door.

“Harry? Can I come in?”

“Um...yeah,” Harry said, moving to sit on the edge of the bed, feeling that would look a little more normal than standing in the middle of the floor.

The door opened and in stepped Louis, a concerned look on his face.

“Are you okay?” the older guy asked.

“Yeah, fine,” Harry answered. “Why?”

“Well, you slept late and you barely touched your breakfast. Are you sure you're not getting sick?”

Moving forward, Louis rested his hand against Harry's forehead.

“I'm not sick,” Harry said, unmoving.

“Hm,” Louis hummed, keeping his hand where it was for a couple moments longer before letting it drop down to his side. “Well, is something else wrong?”

“No,” Harry lied, wanting to just pull Louis down onto the bed and cuddle with him the rest of the day.

“You sure?” Louis asked, an ornery smile crossing his face as he climbed on top of Harry and gently pushed him to a laying position before tickling his side. Harry cackled, bucking his hips up and making Louis giggle. The tickle-fest went on for a minute or so until Harry could no longer bear either the tickle torture or Louis's weight on top of him (without making things awkward, at least) and then Harry grabbed Louis's arms and laid him on the bed next to him, rolling onto his side so that they were still face-to-face.

“I know you said I didn't have a favorite, and I do like all of you,” Louis began, “but I do think you were secretly my favorite.”

Harry smiled, the words meaning a lot to him even though they shouldn't, and Louis returned the smile before closing his eyes briefly then opening them and smiling even wider. Laughing from nothing but pure joy, Harry scooted closer, nuzzling his nose into Louis's neck while Louis giggled again and twisted a few of Harry's curls around his fingers. It felt so natural and so right, to Harry at least.

_Am I doing the right thing for you?_ He asked Louis, but only in his head. _Or am I being helplessly selfish with this?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter in a week! :)


	9. Chapter 9

The boys had hired a security guard to walk through the airport with them, figuring it would be hard to go unnoticed when all five of them were there. They were right.

Besides leaving his house to go to one of his friends' or to make a quick trip to the grocery store, Louis hadn't really gone anywhere, and so he hadn't yet had any fan encounters since leaving the hospital.

That quickly changed that day.

Liam and Zayn had just had their bags checked and begun walking to their destination when a scream made all of them jump.

“Louis!” the shrill voice called, and Louis whipped his head around, trying to find the source with one hand gripped onto the front of Harry's shirt and the other on the back of Liam's.

Soon, a girl, probably in her late teens or early twenties, ran up, followed by a slightly older woman, who smiled shyly; both of them keeping their distance per the security guard's presence.

“Hi, loves,” Louis greeted, a small, nervous quiver to his voice.

“Can we get a picture?” the younger girl asked, looking at all of them. The security guard opened his mouth and began to decline her request, but Louis spoke first.

“Sure,” he said, and then turned to Zayn and Liam. “Do you two have time?”

“We have time for a quick picture, yeah,” Zayn allowed. The girls beamed.

“Great! Thanks!”

The security guard clearly thought it was a bad idea and Harry didn't totally disagree, but neither said a word as the guard took a picture of them all. The girls thanked them, told Louis they hoped he had a speedy recovery and then vanished, giggling amongst themselves.

“You good?” Zayn asked, one hand on Louis's back as they again began walking.

“Yeah, I'm good,” Louis said, and that was a good thing because that wasn't the only time they were stopped for a picture or a hug; usually both.

Finally, they made it to the gate they needed and there didn't seem to be any fans there because they were barely spared a glance. Harry squeezed Louis's shoulder, surprised at how tense he was. Perhaps he would give him a massage later.

“Well, I guess we can leave you two be now,” Harry said. The airport trip had been partly so that the group could spend as much time together as possible, but it had also been, in a way, to parade Louis around and show the fans that he was doing fine and that everything between the friends was good. The fans deserved that comfort.

“We'll see you soon, yeah?” Liam asked, looking between his three friends that he was leaving behind.

“Of course,” Louis said. “I feel like I need to re-experience Los Angeles soon and when I do, I'll make sure to bring these two along, even if I have to stuff them in my bag.”

Liam smiled and moved forward to lift Louis from the ground. Louis wrapped his legs around his middle as the two hugged each other tightly. Harry looked away, feeling a pang of jealousy even though he was ashamed of it. Louis loved all of them, and he and Harry had been doing great, all things considered, but he hated that he couldn't be that close to Louis without people 'worrying about them.'

When he felt eyes on him, Harry reluctantly looked up again, locking eyes with Zayn. Giving the younger man a small smile, Zayn walked over to give him a hug, saying softly in his ear,

“Sorry about earlier. We love you both, you know that, right?”

Harry nodded because he did, deep down, and Zayn gave him a slightly bigger smile as he pulled away. Liam, whose arms were now free of Louis, took his turn in hugging Harry next while Zayn went to the other two.

“Alright, well, see you soon,” Zayn said once all hugs were exchanged and Harry, Louis and Niall were preparing to go. “Until then, don't forget about us, okay?”

Zayn winked while Louis gave an indignant shriek and smacked him on the arm.

“I swear, you're all pricks; the whole lot of you.”

“Sorry,” Zayn said through his laughs. Their flight was announced over the intercom then and so, whether they were all actually ready to go or not, they were forced to. With final goodbyes and 'I love yous,' Liam and Zayn picked up their carry-on bags, waved and went to stand in line to board their flight.

“Everyone ready?” Niall asked.

“Yeah,” Harry said while Louis nodded.

The walk back to Harry's car was a lot calmer than before, the group only getting stopped for a couple of pictures.

“Well that wasn't so bad,” Louis decided as he climbed into the passenger seat beside Harry.

“You're dealing with everything very well,” Harry commented.

“Thank you. I'm trying. I do have one question, though.”

“What is it?”

“How long have Liam and Zayn been together?”

A huge grin spread across Harry's face as Niall fell sideways in the backseat, laughing and hollering. Louis looked between both of them, smiling, but clearly confused.

“What?” he asked.

“They're not together,” Harry explained.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“This is honestly shocking.”

“Well, they're in love and have probably totally fucked before,” Niall said, a hint of laughter still in his voice.

“Then why aren't they together?”

“Because they're stubborn idiots.”

That obviously didn't really answer Louis's question and so he looked back at Harry, who replied as he began driving.

“Liam swore he was straight at the beginning of it all. We're not sure if he really thought that or was just saying it because he'd been bullied, but he was dead set on having nothing to do with men. Zayn liked Liam right from the start, and they had an immediate connection, but Zayn was always too afraid to admit his feelings, even when it was becoming obvious that Liam had the same feelings back. He just didn’t want to lose Liam as a friend. Now, Liam has admitted that he likes Zayn to everyone but Zayn, because he doesn't think Zayn would ever want him too. We've told Zayn, but he thinks Liam is confused.”

“As I said, both are stubborn idiots,” Niall said.

“That's kind of sad,” Louis said. “If they love each other, which I'm pretty sure they do-”

“They definitely do,” Niall interrupted.

“-then they should be together.”

“I'm telling them you said that,” Niall said, taking out his phone and furiously typing out a text.

“It's not always that easy, though,” Harry reasoned. “Love is great and can hold a lot of things together, but sometimes everything breaks anyway.”

A beat of silence passed. Harry wasn't sure if it was awkward or not. He felt that it was, but he held onto the hope that the others didn't share his sudden discomfort.

_Why can't you ever shut up, Harry?_

“Well, that was depressing as fuck,” Louis commented. Niall laughed, and even Harry smiled.

“Sorry.”

“I mean, seriously, Styles, who hurt you?” Louis continued. Harry put his hair behind his ears.

“No one,” he replied. Louis stared at him for a few moments longer-Harry could feel it,  b ut refused to make eye contact-and the n he halfway changed the subject.

“You lot know I'm gay, right?” he verified. Niall gave another indecently loud laugh.

“ We know,” he said and then, softer, “Trust me, we know.”

He started laughing as Harry sent a glare at him from the rear-view mirror, and even Louis gave a small laugh.

“It sounds like there's a story there,” he said.

“I mean, it's just that the things we've overheard and sometimes even seen still haunt my dreams,” Niall commented. Louis laughed again.

“Sorry about that,” he said.

“I'm glad you are now because you sure as hell weren't before.”

“I am now,” Louis said and then added, “That goes to you too, Harry.”

“I survived,” Harry said, not mentioning that those times were some of the moments he felt most alive.

  


_“Baby,” Louis whined, his hand twisting through Harry's curls from where Harry had him pinned against the door of their hotel room. They'd yet to even lock the deadbolt._

_“Hm?” Harry hummed against his boyfriend's collarbone, causing him to shiver._

_“Harder,” Louis moaned softly, and Harry had to adjust himself as he first kissed Louis's exposed collarbone again before leaving a trail of kisses to his neck, which he massaged with his tongue and then bit into gently. Louis moaned loudly as Harry began sucking, and Harry was pretty sure he had done it on purpose, knowing what his moans did to Harry. Beads of sweat popped up on the younger boy's hairline._

_“Bed?” Louis asked once a good bruise marked his neck. Harry gave the wound a kiss and then wordlessly lifted Louis from his feet, his heart swelling as the older, smaller boy wrapped his arms around his neck and smiled as Harry lay him on the sheets. Harry returned the smile before kissing his boyfriend's lips, expertly sliding off his pants as he did so._

_The tiny grunts and moans that escaped from Louis's throat threatened to undo him right then, but, luckily, Harry was also an expert on holding out for a while, no matter how hard it was._

_“So beautiful,” Harry muttered, rubbing circles into Louis's thighs as he gazed into his pretty blue eyes._

_“Then fuck me,” Louis said, and it was Harry's turn to moan._

_“_ _Fuck you or make love you?” he still managed to ask, though his tone was f_ _a_ _r less_ _t_ _easing than he had hoped for. He hated Louis for always being able to do this to him, except not really because he loved Louis. He loved him so much…_

_“Fuck me,” Louis replied, unbuckling Harry's belt so that he could be undressed too. “Loud enough for the other boys to hear.”_

  


After dropping Niall back at Liam's so that he could get his car and go to his lady, Nina's, place Harry began the drive to Louis's. He wanted to ask him if he wanted to do something first, but Louis looked tired and Harry knew he would probably say yes just to make him happy (pre-accident Louis would have, at least), so Harry didn't.

When Harry pulled into Louis's driveway, the older man didn't get out right away. Harry wondered if he should turn off his car, but didn't want it to seem like he was inviting himself in, so he refrained.

“Our fans are so nice,” Louis commented lightly after an awkward half a minute of silence.

“Yeah,” Harry said. “Of course, we have some of the crazy ones, like every famous person, but I like to consider them passionate.”

“Passionate. I like that,” Louis said.

“So you think you're okay with this?” Harry asked.

“Do I have a choice?” Louis asked, but quickly added, “Yeah, I'm fine; with the whole being famous part at least. I'm usually okay with the whole amnesia thing now too. It's just occasionally, when I get overwhelmed or am having a bad day anyway that I get angry about it. But I'm okay.”

“Are you really?” Harry asked then. “If not, you can tell me. You've always had a tendency to pretend you're fine when you're not and it's frustrating and detrimental.”

Louis laughed a little bit.

“I'm good, Harry,” he assured his friend. “Promise.”

  


_“_ _I'm fine, Harry,” Louis said, despite the crack in his voice and tears on his face. Harry had no way of knowing how long they had been there. Louis had claimed to be going upstairs for a nap hours ago._

_“I promise, baby, I'm okay.”_

  


“Alright,” Harry said. Louis stretched his arms out in front of him.

“Well, I guess I'll get inside and fall asleep watching our DVD.”

“You're watching our DVD?” Harry asked curiously.

“Yeah.”

“Wait, which one?”

“Um...I forget what it's called. It has a bunch of pictures of all of us on the cover.”

“ _This is Us_ , I think,” Harry decided.

“Yeah, that sounds right,” Louis agreed. “Is it any good?”

“Eh, it's alright,” Harry said.

“Ah. So I'm guessing you won't want to come join me then?”

Harry couldn't believe his luck.

“I can join you,” he said quickly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I might fall asleep though.”

“That's okay.”

Louis nodded.

“Alright. Come on then.”

***

Louis didn't only want to watch the DVD. He wanted to watch all of the extras as well. He didn't fall asleep and seemed genuinely interested in the movie. He laughed on more than one occasion and Harry decided that maybe it was a little better than he originally gave it credit for. Just a bit. Or maybe that was because he watched Louis laughing more than he watched the actual movie.

When they got to the extras and the boys started talking about each other, Harry held his breath.

“...Louis is a great person to just sit and admire what he's like,” younger Harry on the screen said, and Louis sat up straighter, his eyes widening a bit. Harry quickly looked back to the TV screen, not even looking over when he felt Louis's eyes on him.

“Harry?” Louis prodded when he realized his gaze alone was not enough to draw the other's attention.

“Hm?” Harry hummed.

“That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard; that I remember, at least.”

Louis gave a dramatic sniffle and, finally giving in, Harry turned to see Louis clutching at his non-existent pearls, fake tears welled up in his eyes.

“Shut it,” Harry said with a laugh, picking up one of Louis's throw pillows and smacking him on the leg with it.

“I'm serious,” Louis said. “I am touched.”

Harry rolled his eyes, a smile still on his face. Louis giggled, falling sideways as the movie went to the option screen, his head in Harry's lap.

“I know you hate this question and you've been asked it a lot today, but are you okay?” Harry asked, beginning to play with Louis's hair.

“Good, Harry,” Louis said, his voice growing hoarse as the struggle to keep his eyes open became more and more obvious. Finally, they shut for a solid minute and Harry thought Louis had fallen asleep, but then he popped them open again, making a loud groaning noise as he smacked himself in the face.

“Was I this boring before?” Louis asked.

“You're not boring,” Harry said, not sure what Louis was talking about.

“I sleep more than a newborn baby,” Louis said.

“You're still recovering, babe,” Harry said, and sucked in a breath. Why was it so hard to not call Louis these pet names? He hadn't for years. It should feel strange to do so, even, but it didn't.

“Anyway, I'll leave so you can get some rest,” the younger man said.

“I'll see you soon though, yeah?”

Louis sounded so worried that Harry might say no that it made Harry a little sad. He would still be living there and seeing Louis all the time if it was up to him.

“Of course,” he said. “I'll call you tomorrow and see what's up.”

“Okay,” Louis said, sitting up and sounding much happier. “But, like, you don't have to if you don't want to.”

Harry rolled his eyes, but did so lovingly.

“You're goofy. I'll call you tomorrow.”

***

The weather the next day was nice, so Harry and Louis met up for breakfast and then walked around London for a bit. They weren't in disguise, but not many people seemed to be roaming around (perhaps because it was a Tuesday), so they weren't stopped very much. Even when they were, Louis didn't seem to mind and so Harry didn't either. He only hoped nothing big would come from the two of them being out together.

For a while, Harry didn't take Louis anywhere specific. They had no agenda for the day. Besides, Louis and Harry had never been able to casually roam the streets of London on a Tuesday morning before.

That was more of a Tuesday night thing.

  


_“_ _How do I look, Haz?”_

_“Nothing like Louis Tomlinson,” Harry replied, taking his disguised boyfriend around the waist and twirling him in his arms before planting a loud kiss on his lips._

_“Good,” Louis said belatedly. “I was aiming for a fresh-out-of-the-closet baseball player from the states. Did I pull it off?”_

_“Definitely,” Harry said, eyeing the ball cap on his boyfriend's head and then his pretty, made up face and tight as sin j_ _e_ _ans, and smiling._

_“_ _And you're a fresh-out-of-the-closet American 'football' player, right?” Louis asked, using air quotations to point out that his definition of football was vastly different from the sport he was_ _referencing._

_“However did you know?” Harry asked, though that hadn't been his plan at all. He hadn't had a plan when he’d thrown on the first hoodie he found-Hollister brand-and sandals._

_“It was just a feeling,” Louis said, kissing Harry again. “Are you ready for our night on the town, complete with all the public hand-holding and kissing we want?”_

_“I've been waiting my whole life for this.”_

_Louis broke free from Harry to open the bedroom door and gesture out, bowing his head. “M'guy.”_

_“Why, thank you, my gentleman,” Harry said, curtsying and then stepping out. Louis followed, quickly taking Harry's hand again and not letting go, even as they walked down the stairs._

_Louis's skin was virtually flawless, but with his makeup on and underneath the moonlight, it looked absolutely luminous. He was so beautiful and Harry just wanted to pull him into his arms and kiss him._

_So he did._

_“I wish people could see us now, like this,” Louis said._

_“Someday,” Harry promised, using his thumb to stroke Louis's soft cheek. Louis smiled and then pulled back, taking Harry's hand in his._

_“Come on. I want to write a song!”_

  


“Hey, follow me,” Harry said, suddenly inspired as he took Louis's hand in his and ran off. Louis kept up well, but Harry held onto him tightly anyway, just in case.

“Okay, what's this?” Louis asked once they reached the nearby park and sat at the picnic table, both taking a couple minutes to catch their breath.

“It's where we sometimes came to write songs,” Harry explained. “Usually it was night time, but...yeah. You would sit there and I would sit on the other side, and we would spend hours spitting out random song lyrics and humming out melodies.”

Harry and Louis rarely showed anyone those songs. Personally, they were Harry's favorites that either of them had ever written, but if their whole relationship had to be secret, then their songs were to be only theirs. Perhaps one day, when they were out, they would record them as duets and release them, they had said.

“Really?” Louis asked.

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

Louis shifted.

“What is it?” Harry asked.

“It's just that this place had kind of a sad feeling. Did we write sad songs here a lot?”

“No,” Harry answered, his eyebrows pulling together. The two never allowed sadness into this place.

“Oh,” Louis said, and then shrugged. “Maybe I'm just crazy.”

He stood and Harry did as well, afterward following him to the swings. They sat in the seat opposite of each other and moved around slowly.

“Do you still have the sad feeling?” Harry asked after a bit.

“Not so much,” Louis replied, which wasn't exactly a full answer, but Harry would accept it.

“I bet I can swing higher than you,” Louis said then, his tone humorous.

“You're on,” Harry said, slowing himself with his feet and walking back with his swing to push off. Louis quickly did the same.

Harry should have known better than to let Louis get something started. He was competitive and wouldn’t take losing lightly, and so he got higher and higher until his swing refused to even go straight. As it gave a spin, almost sending Louis toppling from the side, Harry outwardly gasped.

“Okay, that's enough,” he said, slowing himself again until he was barely even moving. “You win.”

“Quitting already?” Louis asked, not slowing down himself.

“If I don't, you won't either until you fall off and die.”

“I won't die,” Louis reasoned.

“Fine, but you won't stop until you fall off, hit your head and forget me again, and that was exhausting for everyone involved, so let's not.”

Louis laughed, ceasing to kick his legs anymore and, once he determined he was slow enough, he jumped from the seat.

Harry screamed.

Louis's feet hit the ground, but the rest of his body soon followed, and Harry jumped off his own swing to run over.

“Louis!” he called. “Louis, are you okay?”

From his spot on the ground, Louis peeked open one eye and smiled.

“Fine, Hazza.”

_Hazza_. He'd said it again. Excitement coursed through Harry, but before he could say anything, Louis reached up to grab his hand and pull him to the ground as well.

“Why are we laying here?” Harry asked after a moment of silence in which Louis stared up at the sky and Harry stared at Louis.

“Cloud watching,” Louis answered, and Harry forced himself not to think about the times they would spend star gazing to relax after a long night of writing.

“Cloud watching?” Harry asked, turning his head to look at the sky as well.

“Yeah,” Louis said. “For instance, look at that cloud.”

Harry looked to where Louis was pointing, turning his head to try to see what was noteworthy about it.

“I don't get it,” he finally admitted.

“Really?” Louis asked, sounding surprised. “Does that not look like a dick to you?”

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't directly related to this chapter, but I keep forgetting to mention that in this slight-AU, babygate did not exist. Real or not, that is just a big mess that I don't feel like getting into. (Not to mention that at this point, it wouldn't benefit the story at all.) I hope that doesn't bother anyone, no matter your opinions on it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this one is obviously really late. I'm really sorry. I have these written in advance, but I still proof-read and edit it right before I post and both my brother and my brother-in-law were in the hospital all weekend and, in my brother's case, until today, so my brain was a little too fried to proof-read. It is still a little fried, so if I made a terrible mistake, I am so sorry and feel free to let me know XD

_“_ _I think I'm going to break up with Hannah.”_

_Harry, who had been in the first stages of sleep, opened his eyes quickly at those words and turned his head. It was late-ish; eleven o' clock at night, but Louis had claimed an hour ago that he hadn't been able to sleep and asked if he could join Harry in bed. Of course, the younger boy had agreed. It wasn't like that was the first time it happened. Louis spent most nights in bed with Harry. As he had a girlfriend, nothing besides long cuddles and hand holding had happened, but Harry felt like there was something more there between the two._

_“Yeah?” Harry asked, his voice hoarse even though he was very awake at that point._

_“Yeah,” Louis said, a nervous quiver in his own voice. “I feel bad because she's great, but I don't, like...have feelings for her. To be honest, I'm not sure I ever did.”_

_Harry didn't know if it made him a terrible person or not, but he wanted to scream in excitement._

_“Really?” he asked instead, trying to keep some self control._

_“Yeah. Like...I don't want to make things weird between us or anything, Harry, but I don't think girls are my..uh...preference.”_

_Harry's heart was beating so hard that he feared if it got any faster then Louis would hear it._

_“That doesn't make anything weird,” he assured his friend. “I think I like boys better too.”_

_“Yeah?” Louis asked._

_“Yeah,” Harry said, and then, before he could stop himself, “I think I really like you.”_

_It was hard to see Louis's actual face in the dark, but when he spoke again after a brief pause, Harry thought he was smiling._

_“I really like you too, Harry.”_

  


Louis remembered none of that, as was proven as he looked curiously around their old X Fa c tor bedroom and said nonchalantly, “It's nice, I suppose.”

“ Yeah,” Harry said, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“Stairs next?” Louis asked. “You know, for the video diaries.”

Harry nodded, turning and wordlessly leading Louis out of the room and down the stairs.

Louis studied them, biting his lip before sitting himself on the bottom step, seeming deep in concentration. Harry dared not break it.

When that apparently triggered nothing, Louis shook his head and scooted over, sat there for a minute, then went up a step, where he repeated the whole thing.

“Not a thing,” he concluded, getting to his feet at the top of the stairs and heading back down. “Sorry, Harry.”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to apologize?” Harry asked.

“Maybe a few more times,” Louis said with a wink, but Harry didn't even smile because he could see the stress written clearly on Louis's face.

“Enough for today?” he asked.

“It has to be,” Louis said, checking his phone. “We're meeting Niall and Nina for dinner soon.”

“Is it that late already?” Harry asked, checking his own phone and confirming that it was, in fact, that late.

“Yeah,” Louis answered. “We got distracted for a while at the mall.”

That made Harry smile, remembering just a couple hours ago when he and Louis had visited nearly every store in the mall, seriously looking in some while trying on the most ridiculous outfits and checking out the craziest gadgets in others. Louis hadn't even grown tired and Harry noticed that his limp was almost non-existent, and that refueled his hope. If his body could heal, so could his mind.

***

Niall and Nina were already at the restaurant when Louis and Harry arrived and they were led to the table, the hostess giving the both of them curious looks, but not saying a thing. Instinctively, Harry took a step away from Louis, who shot a frown in his direction. Feeling guilty, Harry decided _screw it_ and moved back. Louis sucked in his lips to keep from smiling.

Harry wondered what would have happened if he'd thought the same thing before and just walked with Louis or touched his hand or _anything._ Probably, they would have been sued. In retrospect, Harry thought it would be worth it to lose everything else just as long as he got to keep Louis.

“Lads!” Niall greeted cheerily when Nina had pointed out that they were approaching. Harry hadn't seen Nina yet, but she was really pretty in a natural type of way. She matched Niall really well, or so it seemed so far, at least.

“Hi, Ni,” Harry greeted in return. “And you must be Nina.”

“Yes, I am,” the woman said with a smile as she extended her hand, which Harry shook first, and then Louis.

A waiter approached to take Harry and Louis's drink order, and then Louis spoke.

“So you two met in a bar?” he verified, looking between the lovebirds curiously.

“Yep,” Niall answered, popping the 'p.' “Nina here came asking for a photograph of Zayn and me. She said she was a huge fan...when she was younger. Not so much now, apparently.”

“Stop!” Nina said with a laugh, giving Niall's shoulder a soft hit. It was more like a love tap, really. “I didn't want to sound like a twenty-five-year-old fan girl.”

“There's nothing wrong with being a twenty-five-year-old fan girl,” Niall said.

“Okay, but I didn't think that was the best way to get in your pants. Guys want what they think they can't have and all that, you know?”

Niall's cheeks turned pink while Louis and Harry gaped at their friend's date.

“I like her,” Louis decided. “I don't remember your past relationships, but I think she's my favorite.”

“Mine too,” Niall said, gazing fondly at the woman sitting next to him. Harry resisted the urge to make a gagging noise, not wanting to seem bitter because he wasn't. Not at all.

(Okay, maybe he was a little, but he was still happy for his friend.)

Louis and Harry's drinks arrived after that and then the two made a snap decision on what they wanted to eat even though they had yet to open their menus. Well, Harry made a snap decision and Louis gave a simple, “I'll have what he's having.”

As the night wore on, Harry's bitterness over the fact that Niall was technically on a date and he wasn't slowly faded, if only because it _felt_ like a double date. Louis laughed at his bad jokes while Niall stared blankly and Nina gave small, polite smiles, and Louis even stole a bite of Harry's food.

“We have the same thing,” Harry pointed out.

“I wanted to see if yours tasted better,” Louis replied innocently, and then, “It doesn't, by the way. Mine is loads better.”

“Is it now?” Harry asked, stealing a bite of Louis's with the man's fork, as Louis had done to him. “Um, nope,” he said once he had spent a fair bit of time deliberating the situation while he chewed. “You are crazy. Mine is much better.”

“I feel sorry for your taste buds,” Louis commented, and then took a sip from Harry's water, as his had yet to be re-filled. Harry didn't miss the way that Niall and Nina glanced at each other. He wondered if she knew.

Once they had finished eating and paid, the group decided it was much too early to call it a night and went to a bar; a karaoke bar, per Niall's suggestion.

As soon as they were inside, Niall bought everyone a shot.

“I get to re-experience being drunk for the first time, but without the terrible hangover because I'm sure my body is used to drinking,” Louis commented gleefully, picking up his glass and taking a subtle whiff of what was inside.

“You get pretty bad hangovers anyway,” Harry said, eyeing the drink cautiously. “Do you really think drinking is a good idea right now?”

“Why wouldn't it be?” Niall asked, looking genuinely curious and a little worried.

“Alcohol damages your brain,” Harry pointed out, almost reaching out as Louis moved the glass closer to his mouth. “We're trying to repair damage.”

“I think it's hopeless anyway,” Louis said. “A couple shots won't hurt.”

“Okay…,” Harry said, not really believing him but knowing that arguing about it would do no good. Niall smiled, but still spared a quick, nervous glance to Harry before turning back to Louis and holding up his glass. “To Louis still being Louis, despite everything.”

Everyone else raised their glasses as well, clinked them together and then downed their shots. Harry did have to laugh at Louis's face of disgust, no matter how much he disapproved of the activity.

“That was pretty gross,” Nina agreed.

“That's the stuff that works the best,” Niall told her. “Karaoke time!”

“Oh, I need another drink for that,” the woman said. “I'll order this time.”

Nina turned away from the group to get the attention of the bartender and Harry didn't hear what she ordered, but when she began passing out the shot glasses, Niall rolled his eyes.

“It looks and smells girly,” he said.

“It looks and smells delicious,” Louis commented, eyeing the purple drink with enthusiasm.

“Is there something wrong with girly?” Nina asked, slugging her date softly on the arm.

“Nothing at all,” Niall said, slugging her back even more gently before taking his shot. The others took theirs as well.

“Okay, I think that's enough for now,” Harry said, taking everyone's empty glasses and setting them on the bar.

“Karaoke time?” Niall asked, quirking his eyebrow at the woman he was with, who sighed dramatically.

“Why must you torture me so?” she pondered, but took the guy's hand and headed to the karaoke machine. Looking at each other and giving a simultaneous nod, Harry and Louis followed.

Nina wasn't a great singer, the boys soon realized, and while she seemed embarrassed at first, she quickly relaxed as Louis loudly cheered her on (and booed Niall.)

“Okay, Tommo, you're singing with me next!” Niall exclaimed after his and Nina's third song. Louis looked around, wondering who he was talking to, so the Irish man took Louis's face in his and directed his gaze back to himself.

“You're Tommo,” he explained. “Tomlinson...Tommo...Get it?”

“Oh,” Louis said, smiling. “Yeah.”

Then his smile changed to a frown.

“But no! I'm not singing karaoke with you!”

“You are, though,” Niall stated matter-of-factly.

“No!”

“Oh, come on!” Niall groaned. “You sang in front of millions of people for a living! This is nothing!”

“I don't _remember_ doing that though!”

“Niall and Louis! You're up!” the karaoke DJ announced. Louis looked as if he might faint. Niall laughed.

“Take this. You'll be fine,” he said, holding his untouched shot to Louis, who hesitated only a moment before taking it. Harry sucked in a breath and bit his tongue. _Don't say anything._

“Come on,” Niall said after Louis was done making faces. The younger man took the older's hand and pulled him to the machine.

“Harry, record this!” he shouted as an afterthought. Harry took out his phone, shrugging apologetically at the look of betrayal on Louis's face.

Everyone laughed-Nina quite loudly; she was pretty intoxicated-when their song ended up being “What Makes You Beautiful.” Harry bit his lip and gripped the phone tighter, determined to keep the video steady.

Over all, it wasn't as big of a disaster as it could have been. Louis had clearly done his homework and started listening to their music, but his eyes were trained on the machine the whole time and he would giggle, embarrassed, whenever he messed up anyway.

When they were done, Louis was smiling, but his shoulders slumped like that had taken every ounce of energy he had. The place was full of cheers and even some wolf-whistles, and once Niall had given the DJ their microphones back, he shook Louis by the shoulders excitedly, said something and then led him off somewhere; probably to the bar. Harry turned the camera off and sighed.

When Niall and Louis returned a few minutes later, Louis was starting to walk unsteadily, his eyes unable to focus. Niall wasn't exactly sober himself, but Harry narrowed his eyes at him anyway.

“How much did you give him?” he asked.

“Only one!” Niall slurred too loudly. “It's not my fault other people kept buying us shots.”

Harry sighed again.

“I have to pee,” Nina announced.

“I'll go with you,” Louis said. “Well, not the same bathroom because you're a lady, but I have to pee too, so I'll go to mine while you go to yours!”

“Okay,” the woman said with a giggle.

“Onwards!” Louis called, taking Niall's girlfriend's hand and charging ahead.

“Well, I'm glad to know they like each other,” Niall commented, amused.

“I like her too,” Harry told him. “Good pick, mate.”

Beaming, Niall took the seat Louis had been occupying next to Harry, but before they could even get a conversation going, someone sat down on Harry's other side, clearing his throat to make his presence known. Looking over, Harry quirked an eyebrow, hoping he didn't appear rude, but he had no idea who this guy was.

“Hello,” the stranger said, giving a perfect, white smile. His hair was sandy blonde, his eyes a bright blue and his muscles nearly threatened to rip his shirt.

Harry didn't know why, but he didn't like this guy.

“Hi,” he said anyway.

“Great job at karaoke,” the man said to Niall and then turned back to Harry. “You have a great voice too.”

“Thank you,” Harry said, resisting the urge to ask this man what in the hell he wanted. He quickly got to the point anyway.

“Your friend; Louis, I think it is?”

“Yes?” Harry asked, sharper than intended. From the corner of his eye, he saw Niall glance his way.

“I'm sorry about what happened to him,” Muscles said.

“He's fine,” Harry told him, and maybe Louis wasn't completely fine, but he was mostly, and it was none of this guy's business regardless.

“Glad to hear it,” the guy said. “Anyways, I do have a question and it may be uncomfortable, but I don't want to overstep any boundaries or anything.”

“Go on…,” Harry urged reluctantly.

“Louis is, like, really pretty,” the guy said.

_Congratulations you have eyes,_ Harry thought silently.

“Uh-huh,” he said out loud.

“I was just wondering if the rumors were true,” the stranger said.

“What rumors?” Niall asked.

“Is he gay?”

Niall and Harry glanced at each other, both at a loss for what to say. Louis was, of course, and he'd even come to realize it again himself, but whether he had wanted other people to know now that his career in a boy band was over was a mystery to them. He had wanted to come out with Harry, but they had broken up and Harry had no idea what had gone on in his head for the past three-and-a-half-years. It wasn't his place to out him now.

“I'll take the silence as confirmation,” the guy said, a smile that Harry didn't like on his face as he ran a hand through his hair.

“The other rumor wasn't true, though, right?” he asked, looking again at Harry. “You two aren't together?”

No, they weren't together, but they had been. That last part wasn't necessary to tell this man. Louis and Harry hadn't been together for a while. He just needed to tell this guy that no, he and Louis weren't together and leave it at that.

“Yes,” Harry said instead.

“Yes?” the man repeated, a look of shock taking over the smugness on his face.

“Yes,” Harry repeated. “Louis and I are together.”

“Oh,” the guy said, noticeably leaning away from Harry. “I'm-uh-I'm sorry. Uh...Congratulations?”

“Thank you,” Harry said. Without another word, the stranger stood and hurried away.

When Harry, quite proud of himself, turned back to Niall, his friend was staring at him with wide eyes, shaking his head slightly.

“What?” Harry asked, defensive.

“You and Louis aren't together,” Niall said.

“Well, obviously,” Harry snapped. “But it got rid of that bloke, didn't it?”

“I can't believe you just cock-blocked Lou.”

“He's much too drunk to go home with a stranger anyway,” Harry said, taking a sip from his water.

“Harry, what if that guy tells that you just confirmed a long-standing half-rumor?”

“He has no proof.”

“Harry-”

Niall was distracted by Nina approaching the table quickly, smiling but looking nervous.

“What's wrong?” Niall asked.

“Where's Louis?” Harry added.

“Um...Louis just threw up,” she said. Harry stood immediately, about to head to the bathroom, but Nina gently touched his chest, halting him.

“He threw up in a urinal,” she added. Niall snorted, then said, a bit too loudly, “Karaoke mission abort! Someone grab the drunk and run!”

Taking his own drunk partner's hand, Niall ran out unsteadily with Nina. Wondering how and why he got himself into these situations, Harry headed to the bathroom. Louis was exiting as Harry was about to enter and the smaller man jumped as they almost ran into each other.

“Hi,” he said, smiling sheepishly.

“Hey,” Harry said. “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” Louis said, and giggled. “I'm a disaster.”

“Come on,” Harry said, taking Louis's hand. “Let's go. Think you can make it home?”

“Yeah, I'm totally cool,” Louis said. Harry wasn't quite sure that was true, but he walked outside with Louis anyway. He was aware that a couple people snapped a picture of them holding hands.

“Nice one, Tommo!” Niall applauded as Harry and Louis reached Harry's car.

“I _thought_ I only had to pee,” Louis said with an embarrassed smile.

“Haz, can you drive Nina to my place?” Niall asked. “I don't think either of us should drive.”

“You definitely shouldn't drive,” Harry said, “but what about your car?”

Niall shrugged.

“If they tow it, I'll just pay to get it out.”

Nina giggled.

“Yeah, get in the car,” Harry said, unlocking it. The couple clambered into the backseat clumsily while Louis literally fell into the front passenger seat. After getting in himself, Harry helped him buckle up and then began driving.

“You're all coming to my flat though,” he said. “You're too drunk to be by yourselves.”

“I'm not that drunk,” Niall defended.

“Drunk enough.”

“I've never been to your place before,” Louis said, and then added, “At least not that I remember.”

Harry said nothing, but sadly, Louis had been right the first time; he'd never gone to Harry's place, even before his injury.

***

Upon Niall's demand, Harry stopped at a fast food chain and got his intoxicated friends something to eat and then, upon Louis's request, drove to his place to let Bruce out and fill up his water again. After that, they finally went to Harry's. The food had seemed to sober Niall up pretty well and he helped a slightly more intoxicated Nina out of the car. Louis got himself out and then fell to the ground. Harry sucked in a breath and rushed over to help, but Louis was already starting to push himself back to his feet, giggling at himself.

“You are going to give me a heart attack one day,” Harry commented, putting a hand on Louis's back to ensure the man got inside safely. Louis just laughed some more.

“Oh god, the laughter has struck,” Niall said from just inside the doorway. “I'm going to bed before the tears kick in.”

While drunk, Louis felt his emotions deeply; all of them. The beginning stages were fun; Louis was happy and giggly. The next stage was far less fun because Louis was angry. He didn't do anything extreme during this part of his intoxication phase; just a lot of cursing and yelling. Then, after the anger subsided, the tears came.

Afterward, once he sobered up a little, Louis would be embarrassed and try to laugh it off, but Harry never found it funny. Sure, some of the things Louis cried about were ridiculous, but Harry thought that was just his sorrow over other things projected onto simpler problems.

“Maybe he won't be like that this time,” Harry tried. Niall gave him a look.

“Good night, Harry.”

“'Night.”

“Good night, Lou.”

“'Night!”

Nina waved and then followed Niall to one of Harry's guest rooms. Louis looked at Harry and smiled.

“Sorry I fucked up the night.”

“You didn't,” Harry assured him. “How do you feel?”

“I'm okay. My head is starting to hurt though.”

“Let's get you to bed.”

Louis didn't argue that, and as soon as he and Harry reached one of the guest rooms (Harry had contemplated taking him to his own room, but reluctantly resisted) Louis started stripping. Harry wasn't even aware until he turned around to see a shirtless Louis working on pulling off his jeans. For a moment, Harry stopped breathing and it was just natural instinct for his eyes to roam over the other man's body. Of course, Harry had seen it plenty of times before, but it had been a while and his body had changed since then. When they broke up, Louis was skinny-too skinny, quite frankly-but now, he had gained most of his weight back and put on some extra muscle. He'd apparently started working out again since leaving the hospital.

Harry loved Louis no matter what his body looked like, of course, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't pleasantly surprised by the site in front of him.

Unfortunately, Harry had not learned how to be anymore subtle throughout the years and Louis caught him checking him out. Heat rose to Harry's face but Louis smirked.

“Hi,” he said, and Harry shook himself out of his trance.

“Hi,” he returned. “It, um, might be easier for you to get those off it you didn't have shoes on.”

“Oh.”

Louis snorted.

“Yeah, you're probably right.”

Louis sat himself down on the edge of the bed, pulled his shoes off after a slight struggle and then finally succeeded in removing his pants. Once free, he sighed in contentment.

“Much better.”

“I'm glad.”

Moving closer, Harry placed a kiss on the other's forehead. It was just a quick peck and he couldn't help it. He was worried about Louis. Sure, he'd always been more of a lightweight than he liked to admit, but after being sick, eating and letting this much time pass, he shouldn't still be this drunk.

“You have soft lips,” Louis commented, smiling sleepily at Harry, who gave a small smile in return.

“Get some sleep, Lou,” he said.

It was then, just like that, that Louis's mood changed. The smile slipped off his face and he frowned, his eyes narrowing like they did when he was just starting to get angry.

“Louis?” Harry asked, alarmed. He had no idea what could have possibly made Louis upset, but he didn't have to wonder long.

“I hate this,” Louis said.

“You hate what?”

“I want to remember you!”

“Louis,” Harry said gently, sitting on the bed next to the man, but not daring to touch him. Not yet. “Lou, we're working on it, love.”

“We shouldn't have to work on it!” Louis exclaimed, becoming louder. Harry hoped Niall and Nina were either passed out or willing to ignore the noise if they heard.

“Who does this even happen to?!” Louis continued. “This isn't a movie! This is my real life and I can't even remember most of it! It's not fair!”

“I know it's not.”

“I want to remember you!”

The tears started coming then and Harry knew they were mostly a result of the alcohol, but they still hurt. Suddenly, he didn't see Louis as the twenty-six-year-old man who hadn't needed him for over three years. He saw eighteen-year-old Louis who had needed him while his parents were getting divorced, 19-year-old Louis who needed to be reminded that he was Harry's no matter what the closet insinuated, twenty-year-old Louis who needed to be held by him every time he had a 'date' with his beard, twenty-one-year-old Louis who needed the promise that he was perfect, just the way he was and twenty-two-year old Louis who needed...Well…Harry didn't know what. If he had, maybe they wouldn't have broken up.

One thing was for sure, though; Harry wasn't going to fail Louis again, so he pulled the older man into his arms and played with his slowly growing hair as he cried. There really wasn't anything he could say at the moment and he knew that, but it was okay because Louis didn't need false promises about how everything was going to be okay right now. He needed the reassurance that he would still have his friends and family even if everything wasn't alright.

As was typical, Louis eventually cried himself to sleep there in Harry's arms. Harry waited a few minutes before carrying him to his bed, washing up and then crawling in next to him. He held Louis tight again, Louis making a grunting noise at the contact, but not waking, and Harry blew onto the back of his neck before snuggling close.

“I love you, Lou,” he whispered, extremely quietly. “I hope you didn't forget that, even before.”

There was no way Louis could have heard that. Harry could barely hear himself. In fact, Harry thought it was less possible that Louis heard it at that moment than when he'd told Louis he loved him whilst he was comatose. But as Harry shut his eyes, he swore he heard someone say,

“Love you, Hazza.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel really bad about all the late-ness and so I'm hoping that on a Sunday in the next couple of weeks when things settle down, I will be able to post two chapters to make up for it. And this WILL be updated again this coming Sunday :)


	11. Chapter 11

“Eat this. It will help.”

“I want to die.”

“Don't say that, Lou.”

“Sorry. It's just that I think falling into that pool again would hurt less than this.”

“You shouldn't have been drinking.”

“I know,” Louis groaned, covering his eyes to block out the sunlight and, probably, Harry too.

“Eat this,” Harry repeated, scooting the plate of waffles, eggs and bacon closer to the hungover man. For a few moments, Louis didn't move, and when he finally did uncover his face, Harry feared briefly that he was going to gt sick-again-but he didn't, and he took a small bite of bacon.

“Do you think I just ruined everything?” Louis asked after finishing one whole strip and wiping the tips of his fingers off on a napkin.

“What do you mean?” Harry asked, sitting next to Louis and stealing a piece of bacon for himself.

“Do you think drinking destroyed any progress that I may have made?”

“I doubt it,” Harry said, hoping he was right, “and if you did hinder it, I'm sure it will only be for a time. Just don't make a habit of this, okay?”

“Don't worry,” Louis said, an edge of bitterness to his voice, “This is so not worth it.”

“Good morning!” Niall greeted loudly and cheerily as he bounced energetically into the kitchen. Louis glared.

“Good morning,” Harry returned. “How is Nina?”

“She's fine. She's about to get in the shower. I hope you don't mind.”

“Of course not.”

Niall smiled, then turned his gaze to Louis.

“Tommo!” he exclaimed, speaking loudly again. Harry was pretty sure Louis tried to commit first degree murder with his eyeballs. “Rough morning?” Niall asked. Louis continued to glare as he shoved a bite of waffle into his mouth. Niall gave another laugh.

“Sorry, mate,” the Irish man said. “I shouldn't have let you take the two kamikazes after tequila.”

Harry's eyes widened as he, too, stared daggers into Niall's skull. He was ignored.

“The food is helping anyway,” Louis finally said, turning back to his plate.

“Good,” Harry said.

“Fabulous,” Niall agreed. “Hey, Harry, can you come help me with something please?”

That was a strange question, but Harry wasn’t dumb enough to question it in front of Louis, so he followed Niall out of the kitchen and back up the stairs.

“What's going on?” Harry asked as they reached the guest room which Niall and Nina had stayed in the previous night.

“You're an idiot!” Niall exclaimed, stopping and turning on his heel so that Harry nearly barreled into him.

“Tell me how you really feel, Niall,” Harry said, his tone light while, really, he was starting to freak out a little on the inside.

“I told you this would happen.”

“What? What happened?”

Taking his phone from his pocket, Niall furiously typed in his pass code and then found the article he was looking for, afterward shoving his phone into Harry's face so he could see the damage.

_ **Harry Styles Outs Self, Former Band Mate Louis Tomlinson?** _ The title read. Harry swallowed.

“No one actually believes it though, right?” he said.

“Did you read any of the article?” Niall asked. “The last sentence is something along the lines of, 'So Harry and Louis are gay and in love, but is anyone really surprised?'

“I was protecting him,” Harry said.

“That's what you keep saying,” Niall muttered.

“You saw how drunk he was! He was in no condition to be flirting with some body building hot-shot.”

Niall raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you didn’t act out of jealousy at all, did you?”

He made the sarcasm very obvious.

“Maybe I was a bit jealous,” Harry admitted, because it would be pointless to pretend otherwise, “but I was doing what was best for him.”

“You don't know what's best for him anymore than the rest of us,” Niall said, suddenly sounding defeated. “At any rate, you're going to have to tell him about this. There's no way around it.”

“Okay,” Harry agreed, knowing Niall was right. “But that's  _ all  _ I'm telling him.”

“Harry,” Niall groaned. “Come on, mate.”

“He's having a hard enough time as it is,” Harry pointed out. “He doesn't need that drama right now.”

“You two ending your four year relationship is a little more than 'drama,' don't you think?”

“I'm tired of talking about this.”

“Then tell him the truth.”

Without another word, Harry turned away from Niall and walked back downstairs. He heard his friend call for him a couple times, but he ignored it, going back to the kitchen.

“Louis, I may have messed up last night,” he admitted, leaning his front against the breakfast bar and folding his hands on the surface as he watched Louis's face very carefully.

“Why? What's wrong?” Louis asked, his eyebrows pulled together in concern.

“There was a bloke,” Harry began, and then trailed off.

“There were lots of blokes…,” Louis reminded him.

“There was one particular bloke,” Harry continued. “He was interested in you.”

“Yeah?” Louis asked, a small smile on his face. Great. Harry honestly couldn't tell if he felt more guilty or jealous.

“Yeah,” he said. “He asked if you were gay and we didn't answer, but he kind of came to the conclusion himself.”

“So what happened?”

“Well...you were really drunk, obviously and I, um, I didn't know if I trusted the guy, so I told him we were together.”

Louis's eyes widened and it felt like it took him minutes to say something when, in reality, Harry knew it had to be only a few short seconds.

“Oh,” he said, his tone unreadable.

“I'm sorry,” Harry apologized. Louis studied him before another smile-a bit bigger one that time-formed and he shrugged.

“It's okay,” he said. Harry let out a long breath.

“It is?” he asked, already feeling relieved.

“Yeah. It's fine.”

“Oh god, thank god.”

Harry didn't actually mean to say that out loud, but he did and Louis smiled.

“There is one more thing,” Harry added.

“Okay?”

“That guy kind of told someone that I said we're together and, well, word got out.”

“So people think we're together?”

“Yeah...sorry.”

Again, Louis shrugged.

“It's okay. I think it's kind of cute that you got jealous.”

Harry glared, but couldn't help to smile at Louis's impish grin.

“Eat your breakfast,” he said as a last resort.

“My breakfast is gone,” Louis pointed out and, looking to his plate, Harry saw that it was, indeed, empty.

“Do you want more?”

“No, thanks. But you changed the subject.”

“I had nothing else to say about that topic.”

“Are we going to tell everyone that we're  _ not _ dating?”

“I guess that would be best,” Harry said after a moment's debate. He didn't want to. It was stupid, but the thought of denying their relationship again-even though, this time, there was no real relationship-hurt. It still felt like denying their love, and even though their relationship was dead, Harry's love for Louis was very much alive.

“Is there proof that you said it?” Louis asked.

“Proof? No, but I did.”

“ Well, if there's no proof, it's just a crazy rumor. I'm guessing we've had crazy rumors spread about us before.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Then we could always let people think and talk about it for a while.”

Louis had an ornery smirk on his face. Harry couldn't believe his ears.

“You want people to think we're dating?”

“We can deny if if you want,” Louis said with a nonchalant shrug. “I just thought it would give them something to talk about besides the fact that I lost my memory.”

This was a bad idea. Even Harry could feel that, but if Louis wanted to sort-of fake date him, then Harry wasn't going to be the one to say no.

“So no confirmation or denial for a while,” Harry verified. Louis smiled.

“Right.”

_ The boys are going to kill me _ , Harry thought, but he didn't really care.

***

After taking Niall and Nina back to the bar, where Niall's car was still parked, Harry took Louis home so he could shower. He waited on him and when he was done, the two took Bruce on a walk. Miraculously, there were no fan encounters. Typically, Harry wouldn't care. He really didn't mind stopping for pictures or a quick chat at all, but he had failed to think about how fans would react to them now that he had 'confirmed' that they were together.

Apparently, Louis's thoughts were along the same track.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

Harry's voice was hoarse, both from how long he and Louis had been silent and also from his own nerves. He cleared his throat.

“We have to tell them,” Louis said. Harry didn't even need to ask for clarification on that statement.

“Yeah,” he said, and was frustrated to find that his voice wasn't completely normal again yet.

“I'm sorry,” Louis apologized, and Harry noted that his voice wasn't quite like usual either. It was huskier, like when he was fighting off tears. Alarmed, Harry looked to him, but Louis's head was down, his eyes unclear.

“Lou-” Harry began, but the other man interrupted.

“I just can't lie to them. It feels wrong. I thought, like, as a joke, it felt right, but...I don't think it is. We have to say it's just a rumor.”

“Okay,” Harry said, not pointing out that they had lied to everyone before, or that by saying that the man from the bar lied actually meant that they were lying. He didn't need to complicate things further for Louis He had done quite enough of that.

“I'm sorry,” Louis said, not sounding any calmer.

“Hey, Lou, it's okay,” Harry said, also keeping secret the fact that it felt like his slowly repairing heart was breaking all over again. _Stupid_. “This is all my fault. I'm sorry.”

“No, it's just...”

Louis trailed off. Harry waited patiently for him to continue, but Louis just shook his head.

“Never mind. I'm going home, Harry.”

“Are you alright?”

“I'm fine. Just-”

Louis gestured wildly with the hand that wasn't holding onto Bruce's leash.

“My head.”

_“It's just a headache, Harry.”_

_“I think I'm just coming down with a cold or something, Hazza. I'm fine.”_

_“I just don't feel well, babe, you go on without me.”_

_“I'll be fine, love. Everything is fine.”_

“No.”

“No?” Louis repeated.  _Oops, did Harry say that out loud?_

“I'll finish Bruce's walk,” Harry said lamely. “I'll bring him back to you when we're done.”

Louis studied Harry suspiciously (he could always read him too well) but then he nodded.

“Okay, if you want to.”

Harry nodded. As he and Louis traded off the leash, their hands brushed. Usually, it would make Harry feel all giddy, like a pre-teen. Now he just felt sad.

“I'll see you soon,” he said.

“Yeah,” Louis agreed softly before turning and walking briskly back the way they came. Bruce started to follow, but Harry tugged gently on his leash.

“No, boy,” he said. “Let's give him a bit.”

Reluctantly, Bruce turned and continued their original route, as if he knew what Harry was saying and understood the situation. Bruce was a smart dog and Harry had missed him. Of course he had. He'd been his and Louis's baby, and after the break up, Harry had been tempted to ask for visitation rights, but he knew he couldn't because if he was around Louis, he probably wouldn't have been able to keep it together at all, and Louis had needed the dog more than Harry.

  


_“It's like our whole life is on hold! We're not moving forward! There's no plan! I can't stand it! I'm not the kind to stand still and do nothing!”_

_Louis was freaking out. Harry didn't know exactly what caused it; it was a multitude of things, he guessed. Their closeting was at an all-time high; rumors of Louis being engaged to his girlfriend were running wild and, of course, nothing had been done to stop it. In fact, Louis had just gotten home from a night out with said 'girlfriend,' despite the fact that it was eleven in the morning. It had been too risky for Louis to come home last night, they had been told, because anyone could follow, really, and realize that the home Louis was residing in was awfully close to the places Harry frequented._

_“We're fine, love,” Harry tried to assure his boyfriend while still seated on the couch, watching Louis pace helplessly in front of him. “We're so young. It's not like we have to be walking down the aisle and adopting or making babies anytime soon.”_

_“But I want a big family!” Louis said, “and I don’t want to be walking with a cane by the time we have our last one! I thought you wanted a family!”_

_“I do,” Harry replied, still managing to stay calm, “but we already have our families. We have each other. One day we'll add to it, but we just have to be patient.”_

_“_ _We're not family, Harry! We're not even married! I love you, and I love being with you, but I need more than this!”_

_Louis's eyes widened as soon as the words were out of his mouth._

_“I didn't mean that,” he said. “I don't need more than you. I just...I need...I need...”_

_Louis trailed off, unsure of what he needed. Sadly, Harry was in the same boat, so he did all he could think to do and got up, walked across the room and held Louis's shoulders tightly as he pressed a firm kiss to his lips. Louis was tense, but after a couple of minutes, he relaxed into the kiss, humming out a “mmm” as his muscles loosened. His mission accomplished, Harry smiled as he pulled his face away from his boyfriend's. Louis's lips stayed pursed for another moment before he licked them and closed them back, his eyes slowly opening at the same time._

_“I was freaking out,” he stated._

_“A bit,” Harry said, “but that's okay.”_

_Louis took a deep breath._

_“You know I love you, right?”_

_“Obviously.”_

_“And that you're my whole world?”_

_“Now that is dangerous,” Harry said, bopping Louis's nose gently. Still, Louis jumped a little, but then smiled._

_“It's true, though.”_

_Harry let out a slow, deep breath._

_“Wow. That's a lot of pressure,” he half-joked. “I need something to share this great honor with.”_

_“What are you on about?” Louis asked, raising a curious eyebrow._

_“Wash your face up and meet me in the car,” Harry said, and gave Louis another kiss._

_“Okay,” Louis agreed, a full smile finally gracing his lips. He turned and hurried upstairs. Harry found his shoes and slipped them on before grabbing his wallet and going to wait in the car. It didn't take Louis long to join._

_“Are you going to tell me where we're going?” he questioned._

_“Nope.”_

_“Okay.”_

_The car ride was silent for a couple of minutes. Then Louis turned on some music; Harry's favorite station. He didn't speak, but that was okay. He seemed to be relaxing, and Harry hoped that once he got his surprise he could be happy again, at least for a while._

_“An animal shelter?” Louis questioned as Harry parked the car at their destination._

_“Yeah,” Harry said. “Fur babies are just as cute as human babies and we won't even have to worry about them talking back.”_

_Louis was beaming. It was rare that Harry got to see that genuine of a smile these days and he cherished the moments he did._

_“Are you sure?” the older man asked. “What happens when we go back on tour or have to travel?”_

_“Then we find a fur babysitter or take it with us,” Harry replied simply. Louis smiled even bigger, but his voice was stern as he said,_

_“Don't call our future baby an 'it,' Harold.”_

_It took Louis a while to find the dog he wanted them to adopt because he wanted to adopt them al_ _l_ _, but then, finally, the couple met Bruce, and Harry could tell that Louis just knew that_ _dog, an older puppy, really,_ _was the one._

_“_ _Hey, you're pretty,” Louis told the animal, putting one hand as far as it could go through one of the squares in the cage. The_ _golden_ _labradoodle_ _, Bruce, the information card said, whined happily and began licking Louis's hand vigorously. Louis giggled._

_“Isn't he pretty, Harry?”_

_“Mhm,” Harry agreed and then turned to the shelter worker who was helping them. “Can we play with this one?”_

_“Most definitely!”_

_The lady dug into her pocket for her keys and then unlocked Bruce's cage. She tried to hold him back, but the dog was too excited. She gasped as he jumped up onto Louis's legs, but Louis just laughed again, rubbing the dog on top of the head and behind the ears._

_“I'm so sorry,” the worker apologized, and Louis assured her that it was alright._

_They were led to an outside area in the back that was gated off and then the men were left alone with the animal. The dog, Bruce, liked both of them, and spent the time playing with Louis while occasionally going up to Harry for a pat on the head or a scratch behind the ears._

_“Can we take him home, Hazza?” Louis asked once the lady had come back to check on them._

_“I wouldn't leave without adding him to our family,” Harry assured his boyfriend. Louis smiled and stood on his tiptoes as if he was going to kiss Harry before quickly ducking his head down and messing with his fringe. Both pretended it didn't bother them._

  


“Shit, shit, shit!”

Harry's eyes widened as, before the front door to Louis's was even closed (he'd left it open for Harry), the man's curses and the smell of burning food greeted him.

“Lou?” Harry called, letting go of Bruce's leash and letting him run free with it as he hurried to the kitchen where Louis was throwing a whole pan of cookies into the trashcan. Louis looked completely stressed, but Harry couldn't help but to laugh a little.

“Lou,” he said again, walking forward to take the pan from the stressed man and then pull Louis tight against his chest. “I guess I should have warned you that you don't have the best luck in the kitchen.”

“Can I do _anything_?” Louis berated himself.

“'Course you can,” Harry replied. “You have many talents, but baking and cooking do not happen to be any of them.”

“That's more of your thing, isn't it?” Louis asked, his voice muffled against Harry's shirt, his arms still around the other.

“It is,” Harry said. “How did you know that?”

“I just had a feeling.”

“I used to work in a bakery, actually,” Harry informed him. For some reason, Louis snorted.

“I can see that too clearly.”

“We used to bake together, though,” Harry added.

“Did we really?” Louis asked. “Or did you bake while I stole the cookie dough?”

“Mostly the last one,” Harry admitted. “You would sit right here...”

Harry lifted Louis from his feet and set him on the counter closest to the fridge.

“...and I would stand here...”

Harry then took another cookie sheet from the same spot he had always kept them in when he lived there and began spreading more ready-made cookie dough onto it.

“...and then...”

Harry trailed off, realizing almost too late that what he was about to say wasn't exactly appropriate.

“And then?” Louis prodded. Harry's cheeks burned.

“And then…?” Louis asked again when Harry still didn't say anything. The younger man swallowed.

“And then, when I was done, you would lick the mess from my fingers.”

One of Louis's eyebrows quirked up, but he didn't look surprised for long.

“Come here,” he said. Harry was already close, but at the demand, he took the still-familiar position between Louis's dangling legs.

“Let's do a memory exercise,” Louis said, his voice low and somewhat sultry. “How _exactly_ did I lick?”

Harry fidgeted and tried to remember if he'd turned the oven back on because it was suddenly smoldering in there.

“Was it like this?” Louis continued when, again, Harry was only silent, and he lifted Harry's hand, holding all of the younger guy's fingers down gently except for the pointer, which he brushed against his lips as he put it into his mouth, licking the dough from his fingers before starting to suck.

Typically, Harry rewarded himself on the amount of reserve he had around Louis, but it had been so long. It hadn't been _that_ long for him personally, but it had been a while since it was Louis he was getting anywhere near 'intimate' with, and so he threw all reserve out the window and had Louis off the counter and against the refrigerator in a matter of seconds. Louis gave a soft gasp as his back met the appliance, but the gasp turned into a small moan when Harry bit down on his neck.

“Missed you so much, Lou,” Harry breathed, kissing the mark he'd left and then leaving a trail of kisses from Louis's jawline to his chin and then his lips. Both jumped at first, and Harry pulled back, but before he could even decide if he regretted it or not, Louis connected their lips together again. Harry’s eyes fluttered closed and a small cry came from his throat. He couldn't help it. He'd felt the ghost of Louis's kiss on his lips every day and night for the past three-and-a-half years, but it was bittersweet, as he knew he wouldn't ever actually feel it again.

Or so he'd thought, at least.

Louis's legs were soon wrapped around Harry's waist. They had yet to quit kissing.

“Harry,” Louis whined against the other's lips. The hands holding Louis against him were growing sweaty.

“Lou,” he whispered back. Instead of verbally replying, Louis crashed their lips together again, almost desperately. It was basically the hottest thing ever.

This still wasn't like old times and, logically, Harry knew that. They weren't in a committed relationship. They weren't in love. Or, rather, Louis wasn't in love with him. He didn’t know him well enough to be in love with him; not anymore. Harry needed to end this right now.

But he also needed Louis.

“Missed you, Lou,” Harry said again as he broke away just long enough to carry Louis upstairs to his bed.

“Harry, wait,” Louis said, turning his head to the side slightly when Harry tried to kiss his lips again.

“What's wrong?” he asked.

“What are we?”

“Friends,” Harry replied fairly quickly because it was the truth.

“Okay, but what _were_ we?” Louis asked then. Fuck. That one was a bit trickier.

“Friends…,” Harry said. It sounded more like a question, and as he was panicking, he really shouldn't have such massive boner right now.

“With benefits?” Louis asked.

“Hm,” Harry hummed, not confirming or denying. A pang of guilt stabbed at him and it hurt, but not enough to keep him from trying to kiss Louis again. Louis didn't turn away that time and after a minute, he started unbuckling Harry's belt. Just that was enough to make Harry moan.

“Want you,” Louis said, his voice higher than normal.

“You have me, babe.”

***

Louis passed out soon after they finished. Normally, Harry would too, but it felt wrong now. He felt wrong. Everything that had happened with Louis felt so right five minutes ago, in the heat of the moment, but now that it was all said and done, Harry was beginning to realize what a terrible person he was. He was wretched; truly notorious. The guilt was almost making him feel sick.

A whine at the door caused Harry to sit up quickly and jump out of bed. The whine had come from Bruce, obviously, and Harry knew that if he didn't attend to his needs, then he would just keep making the noise, eventually waking Louis up, and Harry couldn't have that. He couldn't face Louis right now.

“Bruce, what is it?” Harry whispered as quietly as he could after he'd opened the bedroom door to find the dog lying right outside. Bruce stopped whining and sat up, staring Harry down, a look in his eyes; judging him. Harry's guilt grew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I don't know what breed of dog the real Bruce is; I went with the majority guess online XD) (I am terrible with animal breeds)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention last time that the update was going to be a day late because of the holiday. I suck. I'm sorry. I hope everyone that celebrates Easter had a good one :) And if you didn't celebrate, I hope you had a good day anyway!

Despite the fact that Harry was internally-and even a bit externally-freaking out about facing Louis now, after he'd basically lied to and betrayed him, he didn't pull another dick move and flee before the other woke. That was too low even for Harry.

Eventually, after twenty minutes of pacing anxiously around Louis's house, straightening things that he really had no business messing with, Harry grew tired enough to sit on the couch. Louis wouldn't mind if he watched some TV, he knew, and perhaps he should so he could get his mind off himself and his terrible decisions in life and thus appear somewhat calm and collected when Louis came down, but Harry realized after he'd already sat that the remote was over on the TV stand, requiring him to stand in order to retrieve it. Harry quickly decided that it wasn't worth it and took to staring at the blank screen instead, trying to let the _tick-tick-tick_ of the clock hanging on a nearby wall lull himself into some sort of comfort zone.

Perhaps it would be easier if Bruce had joined Harry on the couch, like he would have if he still respected him. Instead, Harry could feel the dog ' s stare from the corner of the room; such a judgmental stare.

Louis didn't stay asleep long, which was weird. Typically, the two would be out for at least a couple hours after a middle-of-the-day love session. Of course, nothing about this situation was typical.

“Oh, you are still here,” Louis commented, his voice only mildly groggy when he saw Harry sitting on his couch. To make things somewhat easier on the younger man, Louis had at least put his boxers back on, though they were riding lower than normal, exposing hipbones. Harry swallowed and forced a smile.

“'Course I'm still here,” he said, hoping he was pulling off that whole calm, cool and collected thing.

Apparently he wasn't.

“Are you alright?” Louis asked, not moving any closer to the man. Harry was tempted to say no and tell him the truth-all of it-but the words got stuck in his throat. Louis looked so beautiful and, for the first time in a long, long time, completely unstressed, and Harry was so in love. How could everything not be okay?

(Oh yeah, maybe because he basically deceived this beautiful guy he was in love with.)

“I'm fine,” Harry said. His voice was small, but whether Louis noticed or not was unknown because he finally chose to curl up on the couch next to Harry, his head resting on his friend's shoulder while his feet were curled up underneath himself. He yawned.

“The sex was better than I remembered,” he commented nonchalantly. Harry had to laugh then; he couldn't help it.

“You don't remember it at all,” he pointed out.

“Exactly.”

Harry laughed again, but Louis changed the subject.

“I checked my e-mail before I came down here.”

“Yeah?” Harry asked, wondering why that would be a matter worth telling him.

“Yeah,” Louis said. “A lot of people want me to do an interview.”

“Oh,” Harry said, growing panicky again. “Are you going to do it?”

“I don't know.”

A pause, and then,

“Some people want you to do the interview with me too.”

“Oh.”

Louis didn't say anything for a moment, as if waiting for Harry to say something else. When he didn't, Louis asked,

“What are we going to do?”

“What do you want to do?”

Harry wasn't trying to avoid the question. He really wanted to know.

“I don't know,” Louis answered after yet another pause.

“We don't have to do anything yet,” Harry pointed out. “No one can make us.”

“ I just want to kiss you.”

Louis moved his head so that he was looking back at Harry. A bit of worry was back on his face, so Harry kissed him, hoping it would make it go away. It did a little, but not all the way.

“Everything is going to be okay,” he said, wrapping his arms around the smaller man. Though Harry was worried himself, everything would be okay. It had to be, and even if not, they would adjust. They'd adjusted to worse circumstances.

“I'm sorry for everything, Lou,” Harry added. Louis didn't tell him it was alright in return. He just clung to the front of Harry's shirt, holding onto him like an anchor; always each others' anchors until they broke.

***

Louis wasn't hungry for dinner, so Harry left in the early evening. They kissed before he left, and Louis felt a little distant, but he had a lot of adjusting to do. Harry didn't take it personally. He just continued to feel guilty.

That guilt only grew still when his phone rang that night and Liam's name faced him from the screen.

“Hello?” he answered, holding his breath.

“What the fuck, Harry?”

“Hey, missed you too, Li.”

“Zayn just saw the article. You told some bloke that you and Lou are together?! Really?!”

_“No, I have no idea where that rumor came from, Liam, and I'm surprised that you would believe some trash gossip that easily.”_

That was what Harry desperately wanted to answer, but he knew it would be pointless. Niall and Louis knew the truth, which meant that, even if Harry did manage to convince his friends in California otherwise, they would soon know the truth regardless.

“I can explain,” Harry tried instead.

“I'm listening,” Liam said.

“...It sounds stupid.”

“It  _is_ stupid.”

_Touche,_ Harry thought. Still, he did his best to explain why he did what he did and why everything was totally okay. He, of course, did not mention the new development in his and Louis's relationship.

Liam did not share his viewpoint that everything was good and under control, and Harry only half listened as his friend reamed him over the phone, exasperated that he could possibly be such an idiot. Harry took small comfort in the fact that Zayn was in the background, gently telling his not-boyfriend to take it easy.

“Li,” Harry finally spoke when Liam ran out of steam.

“Hm?” the other singer asked. He sounded exhausted. No doubt he was probably nearing a stroke from the stress, like always when something was going on with one of his boys.

“I promise to take care of Louis,” Harry said.

“Please do, Harry,” Liam sighed.

“I promise.”

***

So Harry and Louis didn't confirm or deny the rumors. They didn't really change their public behavior either, but it was much different than their private behavior.

After the first time they messed around, and the guilt it had brought Harry, he swore to himself that it would never happen again.

He hadn't planned on Louis not cooperating with that plan.

Louis had asked Harry to spend the night more often than not the past couple of weeks and, trying to stay true to his promise he'd made himself, Harry made up excuses the first couple of times, but even over the phone, he knew Louis was disappointed, maybe even sad, and that was the last thing Harry wanted, so he finally gave in.

“Sometimes I feel like something is missing,” Louis had said one night after they had finished making love and were lying in Louis's bed, legs intertwined. “Something besides my memory.”

“Like what?” Harry asked, his thumb tracing circles into Louis's hand.

“I don't know,” Louis said after a brief, yet noticeable pause. “But whatever it is, I don't feel it anymore when we're together like this.”

It was Harry's turn to hesitate on a reply, and so Louis spoke again.

“Not to make this weird or anything,” he added, pushing himself up onto one arm as he looked at Harry. Somehow, Harry managed a small smile.

“Nope,” he said. “It doesn't make things weird at all.”

Louis kissed him.

***

“Hey, baby brother.”

“Hey, Gem.”

“You busy?”

“No. Why?”

Harry shifted his cell phone to his other ear, putting the notebook and pen he had been brainstorming in and with on the couch beside him.

“Because I'm about to come get you.”

“And for what…?”

“You're coming wedding dress shopping with me.”

Gemma's boyfriend had proposed about three months ago, and Harry had been too preoccupied to know much else, apparently, because as it was, he'd almost forgotten that she was even engaged.

Add 'terrible brother' to his resume, right underneath 'terrible friend/ex-lover/lover.' (Harry didn't know what to define himself as in regards to Louis right then.)

“It's been this long and you still don't have a dress?” Harry asked.

“No. We kind of needed a date first so I would know what season to buy for.”

“You haven't picked a date yet?”

“Well  _now_ we have. Things have been a bit...crazy recently, so we wanted to wait for...things.”

“Okay…,” Harry said, drawing out the word. “Care to elaborate?”

“Not really. See you in ten minutes.”

***

“Where are the girls?” Harry asked as he climbed into the passenger side of Gemma's otherwise empty car. “Don't bridesmaids usually come to this sort of thing?”

“They're meeting us there,” Gemma assured him. “First, I told them I wanted a private lunch date with my baby brother.”

“Aww.”

“Don't 'aww.' You're in deep trouble, brat,” the woman said as she began to drive.

“What did I do?”

“Umm, you basically disappeared from the face of the Earth. If it weren't for the media, I would think you died.”

“Sorry,” Harry said, and meant it.

“Uh-huh,” Gemma said, but quickly asked, “Are you alright, Harry?”

“Yeah. I'm fine. Why?”

“Well, the bi g rumors going around...I know you've dealt with them before and it was never easy, but I'm sure it's even harder now, after everything.”

“Oh yeah, I'm fine,” Harry said, waving his hand in the air. Gemma took her eyes off the road just long enough to spare him a glance.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, totally.”

By the look on her face, Gemma didn't believe him.

“Does Louis know about everything?” she asked.

“No, not yet.”

“Oh. Because, like, if you need to, Harry, you can tell him and then I'm sure he'll understand if you need space.”

“I don't need space.”

He'd spoken quickly; too quickly. His sister paused, seeming to pick her next words carefully.

“I know you loved him and that you still care about him, but you have to think of yourself too. Being around you doesn't hurt him because he doesn't remember all the pain you two went through, but you're still reminded every time you look at him; I know it. I see it.”

Harry didn't mention that it wasn't the reminder of their past sorrow that haunted him whenever he was around Louis; it was his current sorrow and longing for what could have, should have and  _would_ have been, if they were just allowed to be.

“I'm fi n e, Gem,” he assured the woman. “All that was a long time ago. I've over it.”

Gemma's mouth formed a tight line, hinting that she didn't believe her brother at all, but she didn't say another word; not then at least.

Once the two reached the restaurant of Gemma's choosing, they were seated and left to decide on their order.

“So tell me about the wedding,” Harry said once the decision had been made and their orders placed. “I know I've been distant recently and I'm sorry.”

“You better be,” Gemma said with a wink, and then went on to tell him the few plans they had made; namely the colors, song list and wedding party.

“Jesse wants you to be a groomsman as well,” Gemma added. “He just couldn't find a time that he felt appropriate to ask.”

“I haven't been acting  _that_ weird, have I?” Harry asked. The way Gemma looked at him said otherwise.

“Anyways, I'll tell him you said yes.”

Harry hadn't said yes, but he would have, if asked. He liked his sister's fiance, even if he hated the jealous, sad (irrational) feelings he got when he saw how easy it was for them to love.

“We're sending out the save the dates next, week,” Gemma added. “Since you all seem to be getting on so well together, I'm assuming it's okay to invite all of the boys?”

“Of course,” Harry said. “Besides, it's your wedding. You should invite who you want.”

“You're my brother,” the woman said in response, and both left it at that.

“I'm going to the bathroom,” Harry announced, and did just that.

It didn't take Harry long to find the bathroom and take care of things; three minutes at most, but when he arrived back to the table, Gemma was sitting with her arms crossed, a part amused and part concerned look on her face.

“What?” Harry asked, sliding into his seat.

“Louis called,”  s he said, nodding to his phone, which he had left lying on the table's surface.

“Oh,” Harry said, picking up his phone.

“Three times,” Gemma told him.

“Three times?”

“Yes. He called three times.”

Harry grew concerned then too because it wasn't like Louis to cal l multiple times in a row unless something was wrong (or if he even just thought there was something wrong.)

Quickly unlocking his phone, Harry clicked on Louis's name from his missed calls list and waited as it rang.

“Hey, Harry,” Louis answered on the second ring, his voice chipper enough. Though he didn't  _sound_ like anything was wrong, Harry was not yet calmed. 

“Lou? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah...Sorry about the multiple calls. That was Niall.”

“Oh.”

Relief flooded through Harry; so much so that he was glad he was sitting down.

“ Not that I necessarily mind, but might I ask why Niall felt the need to ring me three times?”

“I'm bored!” Niall shouted, answering Harry whether he hea r d the question or not.

“Yeah. He's bored,” Louis said unnecessarily, and then, “he wants to do a memory exercise and decided to see if you would come along.”

“I would love to, but I'm with my sister. We're about to go shopping for her wedding dress.”

“Hi, Louis!” Gemma called.

“Hi, um….Harry's sister,” Louis said. “I don't think you've told me her name since...everything.”

“It's Gemma,” Harry said. Gemma clutched a hand to her chest, a look of false hurt on her face while she mouthed what looked like,

“ I can't believe he forgot me too!”

Harry rolled his eyes.

“I didn't know she was getting married,” Louis continued.

“Yeah, in  March. ”

“Congratulations to her.”

“Louis says congratulations,” Harry told his sister, who shouted her thanks. A few heads turned.

“Anyway, I'll let you go now,” Louis said, but Harry wasn't quite ready to hang up yet.

“Where are you and Niall headed today?”

“The place where we had our first  big  concert  in London .”

“Sounds fun,” Harry said. “Good luck and let me know how it goes.”

“I will, and...I was wondering...”

Louis dropped the volume of his voice.

“Do you want to come over tonight?”

Harry shifted, his eyes darting nervously to Gemma. There was no way she could have heard Louis, he knew, but he could still read the suspicion in her eyes. He cleared his throat. Louis mistook what his sudden silence came from and said,

“Niall went to the bathroom, don't worry.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Harry said.

“Great! See you later then.”

“Yeah. Bye, Lou.”

“ Bye.”

Harry hung up and put the phone in his lap, then downed half of his drink before looking across the table. Gemma was still staring at him.

“Why are you being so weird?” she asked.

“I was born that way,” Harry said, and stuck out his tongue like the mature twenty-four-year-old he was.

“But you're being weirder than normal,” Gemma said. “What's going on with you and Lou?”

“Nothing.”

“Harry-”

“He told me he loved me,” Harry blurted quickly. His sister's eyes widened and she was at a loss for words, it seemed, so Harry continued. “He was asleep, or mostly asleep at least. I don't even know if he remembers it, bu t he said it! I heard!”

“Harry...are you  _sure_ that's what he said?” Gemma asked, sounding skeptical.

“Positive.”

“Okay...well, he was asleep, you said, right? I wouldn't read too much into that. You know he speaks nonsense in his sleep.”

_Nonsense_ . Ouch. That hurt. Gemma thought Louis still loving Harry was nonsense. It was, kind of, Harry guessed, but it still hurt coming from his sister's mouth, and she must have picked up on that fact because she rushed to try to make it better.

“I didn't mean... _That's_ not nonsense, but I just mean that him saying 'I love you' doesn't necessarily mean anything under that circumstance.”

That wasn't much better. Gemma sighed, but Harry saved her from putting herself any further in the hole.

“He called me 'Hazza!'”

“Okay...so?”

“No one has called me that since his accident. He had no way of knowing it was a nickname, and he's done it multiple times.”

“How does he act after he says that?”

“Well, usually he's asleep...but he was awake once and he didn't seem to think anything of it. It was just natural.”

“ Okay, that's a little odd, I will admit, but it doesn't necessarily-”

“Don't say it doesn't mean anything,” Harry interrupted. “Please.”

Gemma was silent.

“Anyway,” Harry said, “one thing we do know for sure is that Jesse loves you, so let's finish eating so we can go get you a beautiful dress that you will both love.”

“Okay, but one more question and you have to be honest with me, okay?”

“What is it?”

“What is gong on with you and Louis?”

“You asked that already.”

“Yes, but you didn't answer.”

Harry chewed his lip, wanting to be mad at Gemma for her refusal to let this go, but he couldn't because the only person he was really mad at was himself.

“You know I love you,” Gemma said in response to his silence. “I just really don't want you hurt again and-”

“We're sleeping together.”

Somehow, Gemma didn't look particularly shocked; disappointed, maybe, or maybe Harry just wanted her to be disappointed so he read it on her face. Who really knew?

“He thinks we were friends with benefits,” Harry continued. “I didn't mean for it to happen, but we were baking together and it reminded me of the past and one thing led to another and...yeah.”

Harry swallowed, intently studying the noticeable change in the expression of the woman sitting across from him. Now, the emotion on it was undeniable; pity. She pitied him.

“Harry,” she said, her voice gentle. “Do you really think this is a good idea?”

“I don't know. It feels right.”

“Does it?”

“Well...being with him feels right, but like this...No. No, it doesn't.”

Tears were prickling Harry's eyes. He swallowed hard. If Gemma noticed, she was kind enough to not say anything.

“I think you two should have a talk.”

“Yeah,” Harry said, trying to stay noncommittal, “but right now I think we should be getting to the shop.”

***

Harry was selfish. Recent events with Louis had shown him that, of course, but that day in the wedding dress shop proved it further.

He shouldn't be reminded of Louis in a wedding dress shop. For one, he and Louis were never officially engaged. They had a thing they would do whenever they were in a new city, where they would find someplace remarkably interesting or beautiful, then look to the other, a big smile on their face, and say, “Would you marry me here?”

The answer was always yes (besides that one time in an art museum in Chicago when Louis answered, “No, not here. I don't particularly like that painting. I would marry you over there, though, in front of the picture of that lady with her boobies out”.) But still, they were never officially engaged. Even if they were, it wasn't like either of them would wear a dress anyway, probably.

This day was all about Gemma, Harry's sister who he loved very much, and who he just wanted happy, but he wanted to cry because all he could think of was Louis. Would they be married by now? What would married life with Louis be like?

(That was a silly question-it would be bliss.)

“I'm going to the bathroom,” Harry announced when Gemma, with the help of their mom and her maid of honor, stepped down from the pedestal in front of the mirrors in the second dress she'd tried on. It was  gorgeous . Harry thought it might be a winner, with its sparkly top and poofy bottom-but with the sleeves slit at the elbows, making it just edgy enough to keep it from being a princess dress. “I'm sure I'll be back by the time you're into the next.”

Harry never made it to the bathroom, though, because just as he turned, the bell at the top of the shop door dinged and a familiar voice, laced with an Irish accent, yelled,

“Damn, look at that hottie! If you end up with cold feet, I'll be there to warm them up, beautiful!”

“You're ridiculous,” Gemma said to Niall with a roll of her eyes, but she turned and gave him a hug.

“No, but seriously, I like that dress,” Niall said.

“I do too,” Gemma agreed, checking out her reflection once more in the mirror.

Harry knew all of this was going on, but couldn't peel his eyes away from Louis, who was hiding behind Niall shyly, gazing curiously at everyone. Finally, Louis felt his friend's stare and their eyes met. A small smile placed itself upon his face.

There was a swooshing sound as Gemma turned.

“Hello again, Louis!” she said. Louis started and broke eye contact with Harry to look at her.

“ Gemma?” he asked, even sounding shy. It was quite adorable, if Harry said so himself. Lo u is was known as the loud one, and he could be, but there was a softer side to him too. Not many people would probably guess that, when they were together, Harry  had been the 'spokesperson' for the couple. He introduced themselves to new acquaintances and did most of the talking during appointments over various things, such as when their heater had to be fixed or when they were getting new tile in their kitchen.

“Yes,” Gemma spoke, answering Louis. “And this is our mum, Anne.”

“Hi, honey,” Anne said, giving Louis a warm smile as she shook his hand. Typically, she would have given Louis a hug, and Harry found it admirable that she thought to refrain from that now. “How are you doing?” Anne asked.

“I'm good,” Louis replied. “Harry has passed down your well wishes, by the way, so thank you.”

“Of course,” Anne said, her smile growing a little wider.

“What are you doing here?” Harry asked, finally finding his voice. “I thought you were going to the arena.”

“We decided to wait until you could go,” Niall said. “I figured Louis would have a better chance of getting a memory back if you were there too.”

“I haven't been much of a good luck charm so far,” Harry said, trying not to sound like he was berating himself.

“It's not your fault,” Louis told him.

“Anyway, we've just been walking around town and saw you lot in here so we decided to crash the party,” Niall continued.

“Well, I'm glad you did,” Gemma said. “I need the opinion of another gay guy besides my sulking brother, and a straight guy opinion wouldn't hurt either since I am, you know, marrying a straight guy and I want him to at least  _kind of_ like my dress.”

“He'll love it,” Niall assured her.

“I'm not sulking,” Harry spoke.

“You're sulking,” Gemma disagreed.

“Are you okay?” Louis asked. He was looking at Harry.

“I'm great,” Harry said. “Just tired. Anyway...bathroom.”

Harry wandered off, the sound of Gemma introducing Louis and Niall to her newer friends, and re-introducing Louis to her older ones, floating behind him.

Harry took a deep breath once inside the bathroom. He hadn't completely lied. He  _was_ tired, and he would be fine. Sure, he'd dug himself into a complicated (even if not all bad) hole, but eventually things would turn out right. He would find a way to make it right for everybody, but not now. Not when he was supposed to be focused on his sister and her wedding and, Christ, what was wrong with him?

“Pull it together, Harry,” the man said out loud, under his breath, and smacked his cheeks a few times to pull himself out of his head and back to reality.

He exited the bathroom.

Niall was still in the shop, viewing the pictures Anne had taken of Gemma's first dress, while the girls were back by the dressing room; a couple inside, helping Gemma. Harry didn't know how anyone got in and out of some of those things.

“Where's Louis?” he asked.

“Outside having a smoke,” Niall answered.

“Ah. I wondered when he would pick up that habit again,” Harry said, and then, “I'll be back.”

Niall nodded and Harry made his way outside of the dress shop. Louis was leaning against the paneling close to the door, but not close enough to be in anyone's way, puffing on his cigarette like it was oxygen. Harry should say something. He'd come out here to talk to Louis. The problem was, he had no idea what to talk to him about. There was nothing to talk about, and too much, all at once.

Louis didn't seem bothered  b y the fact that Harry was just standing there by the door, wordlessly staring at him. He kept on with his cigarette until he got to the end, put it in the ashtray and then crossed his arms, still staring into the distance as he finally spoke.

“Your sister is beautiful,” he said.

“Thank you. I think so too.”

Louis didn't say anything else. His fingers were twitching near his jeans pocket, as if he wanted another cigarette or perhaps the whole pack.

“Are you okay?”  H arry asked.

“Yes.”

Taking a few steps forward, Harry reached out to gently squeeze one of Louis's shoulders. In turn, Louis squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. Harry quickly withdrew his hand.

“ I have a headache,” Louis sighed, perhaps to explain himself.

“Have you been getting them a lot?” Harry asked.

“Kind of,” Louis answered. “I've been trying to tell myself that it's a good sign; that it means my brain is working hard to produce a memory, but I don't really think so. I think this is just another shit thing I'm going to have to deal with from now on.”

Before Harry could even try to process a response, there was a flash in the near distance. Louis's eyes had still been closed, but even he noticed, and both he and Harry blinked in the direction it had come from, finding themselves looking down the camera of a paparazzo.

“Are you fucking serious?” Louis said with another sigh. Harry wanted to start yelling and cursing at the pap, who was clearly causing Louis distress, but instead, he turned and went back into the wedding dress shop, where Louis had already entered and was holding the door open for Harry from the inside.

If the paparazzo got a picture of Harry kissing Louis on the forehead as the door swung shut behind them, well...he was sure they would know soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say that my brother insisted that I name Gemma's fiancé after him, so...there's that.
> 
> Next chapter up on Sunday! :)


	13. Chapter 13

_I can't do this,_ Harry repeated over and over to himself as he lay in bed next to Louis, who was stirring, but had yet to wake, and probably wouldn't for a while. It was fairly early in the morning; it wasn't even light yet, but Harry couldn't sleep. His thoughts, ever  c hanging, were keeping him awake.

He and Louis had spent the night together last night, and it had been wonderful. Once Louis was out of the bridal shop and away from the world's watching eyes, he started to relax. When Harry arrived to his place, the older man's headache had gone away and he was all smiles again.

“Hey,” he greeted Harry, stepping back and allowing him to enter the house before closing the door and then standing to give Harry a kiss on the lips. “Glad you came.”

They had spent the rest of the night talking and playing games with the television providing background noise. Harry told Louis a couple of stories from their  t our days; nothing too big or eventful, but important enough to remember all the same.

When Louis started getting tired, he grew quiet and scooted closer to Harry. At first, Harry thought he just wanted to cuddle, but then Louis's hand skirted along Harry's thigh, resting teasingly close to his crotch.

And that was that.

_I really can't do this_ , Harry thought again. He couldn't just walk away like his heart  had been telling him was the right thing to do  ever since Louis had kissed him passionately on the lips after finishing and before collapsing into a peaceful sleep next to him . He didn’t understand because  i t had been his heart telling him to sleep with Louis and stay in the first place. Harry's head was confused enough, so why couldn't his heart at least know what truly was right or wrong?

Perhaps because there was no true right or wrong. There were too many shaded areas.

Why did bad always have to come with good?

One thing Harry thought that he knew, deep down, though, was that the boys were right. Maybe if Lo u is knew the truth, Harry wouldn't feel so bad. His intentions had been good from the start; Harry knew that, but things had gone too far. It was Harry's fault, of course, but he guessed there was no point in dwelling on that right then.

It was time Louis knew the truth.

“Louis?” Harry spoke into the quiet. The other man didn't stir. Harry bit his lip. Louis probably didn't need to be pulled from his sleep so early in the morning just to have his world turned upside down again. Harry guessed it could wait until he woke up.

He had expected to be lying awake, going stir crazy, until Louis finally opened his eyes but, somehow, the younger man drifted off.

When he woke, Louis was already up and sitting in bed, his knees pulled up to his chin as he scrolled through his phone, seemingly aimlessly. Harry tried to say his name again, but his voice was not yet working.

Apparently Louis sensed something different anyway because he looked over, smiling when he saw Harry gazing up at him.

“Good morning,” he greeted, locking his phone and throwing it onto the bed before leaning down to place a kiss on the spot in between Harry's eyebrows. When he pulled back, his smile had grown.

And just like that, Harry lost his courage t o tell him. All he'd wanted for the longes t  ti me was to be the reason Louis smiled again, and he'd finally gotten it.

 

_“Hey, Harry, I'm really worried about Louis.”_

_It was over halfway through 2014-so close to the break up that Harry didn't know was coming yet-and lots of people were worried about Louis, Harry being one of the biggest worriers, of course, but a feeling of dread still overcame him at Zayn's words._

_“Why?” he asked, hoping it had been a general statement and not one said because there was something immediately wrong with his boyfriend._

_“I think he's depressed again, and maybe worse this time,” Zayn said. Harry sucked in a breath, his friend's words actually physically hurting him._

_“He wasn't_ _**depressed** _ _ , Zayn.” _

_Zayn gave Harry a look that hinted at his disagreement, but only said,_

_“Well, I think he is now.”_

_“Why do you think that?”_

_Zayn's facial expression changed again, going from looking like Harry was slightly nuts to being convinced that he was raving mad._

_“He's losing so much weight…,” Zayn began._

_“He's eating, though,” Harry told Zayn._

_“Not much.”_

_ That was true. Harry knew Louis wasn't trying to starve himself or anything of that nature, but he'd been stressed recently, more so than usual, and when he was stressed, it usually showed through his eating habits. A couple years ago, it had been the opposite.  _ _ Louis _ _ was doing mini binges on the worst possible foods he could get his hands o _ _ n _ _.  _ _ H _ _ e gained a little weight, which Harry barely even noticed, and sure as hell didn't think anything about because Louis was still healthy  _ _ overall _ _ , but Louis, always super critical of himself, thought the few extra pounds made him 'fat' and decided to start dieting a little more and exercising. That was okay because it was even healthier; Harry made sure Louis was doing it healthily, but more recently, Louis had stopped working out. That in itself wouldn't be a big deal. They were busy and, besides Liam, could probably all stand to work out a little more. The problem was, when Louis stopped exercising, he also  _ _ stopped _ _ getting hungry. He wouldn't skip meals often, but rarely ever was able to finish a full helping. _

_ “ _ _ I'll talk to him some more,” Harry assured Zayn. Of course, he'd already talked to his boyfriend about the situation, multiple times, but Lo _ _ u _ _ is always swore that he was okay and that it was probably just a weird phase his body was going through. _

_“Okay, Harry, but that's not all,” Zayn said._

_“What is it?”_

_“It's just...Lou barely wants to go out anymore, and when he does, he chain smokes the entire time, or has to get high first.”_

_ Those were other things that weren't exactly new-pot and cigarettes-but the amount Louis smoked of both had risen. _

_“I'm doing what I can,” Harry said, voice small._

_“I know, Haz,” Zayn said gently. “I'm not trying to put any of this on you or make it seem like you don't already know what's going on. I just know that Louis...eh...fakes things more around you.”_

_“I know my own boyfriend,” Harry snapped, causing Zayn to put up his hands defensively._

_“Whoa, calm down, Haz. I'm sorry.”_

_“It's okay,” Harry said, even though he was mad at Zayn a little._

_“By the way,” Zayn spoke again, and Harry mentally groaned. “Louis is in the loo, and I'm pretty sure he's crying.”_

_Harry's heart sank._

_Stupidly, Harry walked off without a word, not even asking Zayn which bathroom Louis was in, and it took him a bit to find the right one, but he knew it as soon as he did. All of the stall doors were open except for one, and from inside, Harry could hear small whimpers, cries and sniffles; Louis trying and failing to pull himself together._

_Louis was so busy trying to get himself in order that he hadn't heard anyone enter the bathroom, and he gasped when Harry knocked on the stall door._

_“Harry?” he asked after a brief pause._

_“Yeah, babe,” Harry answered, hating the thickness to Louis's voice that showcased just how upset he was. “Are you okay?”_

_“Yeah, I'm fine.”_

_Harry wondered why he still asked that question when he never got a truthful answer in return._

_“What's wrong?” he asked then, despite Louis's false assurances._

_ “I don't feel good,” Louis said, and Harry was surprised that a spark of anger coursed through him. He knew exactly why it did though. He was tired of getting the same old excuse from Louis.  _ _**'I don't feel good.'** _

_Still, Harry decided to play along for the time being, knowing that if he didn't, Louis would shut down._

_“What's wrong?” he asked again. “Head? Stomach? Throat?”_

_“Um...all of it.”_

_“Can I come in?”_

_There was another pause, but then Harry heard the door unlock and let himself in. When he did, he saw Louis's eyes, red and swollen, and his face, swollen and splotchy, and Harry couldn't be mad anymore._

_ “Oh, babe,” he said uselessly, pulling his boyfriend into a hug. Louis had seemed on the verge of winning control over his tears, but at the other man' _ _ ' _ _ s  _ _ touch, he lost it again and sobbed loudly as he clung to the back of his shirt. _

_“I'm sorry,” he said. “I don't know what's wrong with me.”_

_“Are you depressed?” Harry asked, the word swirling around and around in his brain, and he felt sick waiting for an answer._

_“No,” Louis told him, which should have been reassuring, but it wasn't. Louis didn't even sound like he believed himself at that point._

_“We can get you help, love. It's okay.”_

_“I don't need help, Harry.”_

_“What do you need?”_

_ “I have what I need,” Louis assured him; the tears that were soaking through Harry's shirt t _ _ old _ _ a different story. “I have you.” _

_Harry was starting to not think that was enough._

_Eventually, Louis stopped crying and Harry would say he helped, but all he did was keep telling him it was okay when they both knew damn well that it wasn't, and assuring him that he loved him, which they both also knew, but which hadn't changed anything so far._

_When they exited the bathroom, Louis went straight back to make-up to hide any evidence that he had been crying from the fans when they went onstage in just over an hour. No one said a word to him about the fact that he actually had been crying. In fact, they acted like nothing at all was out of the ordinary, and Harry wanted to scream before he realized that this was ordinary for them now._

_ The _ _ n _ _ he wanted to scream more. _

_Louis took some time to himself before the show, and seemed stable enough when they did their group hug right before going on, but as they were lined up, just waiting for the cue to go out, his eyes misted up again._

_“Tell me what's the matter,” Harry whispered, scooting closer to his boyfriend to whisper in his ear._

_“I love you,” Louis said, turning his wet eyes to Harry._

_“And I love you,” Harry returned._

_ “I love you so much even  _ _ if  _ _ I have to act like I don't for the next few hours,” Louis said, his pitch rising as his breath hitched. Harry looked around and, upon not seeing any sign that they would be going on within the minute, at least,  _ _ he  _ _ gently took Louis's arm and hid them behind a few random boxes to kiss his lips. _

_“I know, boo,” he said in response to Louis's last statement. “I know you do.”_

  


“I'm hungry.”

“Yeah?” Harry asked, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. “What do you want me to do about it?”

“Make me French Toast.”

Harry sighed dramatically, flopping back down onto the mattress and pulling Louis down with him, wrapping his arms tightly around the other's waist as he kissed his neck.

“You're so demanding,” he commented.

“I know,” Louis assured him. “I'm a needy man.”

“I'll make you French Toast on one condition.”

“What's that?”

“We do a memory exercise later.”

“What memory are you trying to trigger?”

“I can't say because you might think you remember it when you really don't; you just remember hearing about it.”

“ Okay, but I doubt I'll remember anything.”

“ It's okay if you don't,” Harry assured him.

“Okay then.”

***

Louis had a physical therapy appointment that afternoon, so Harry told him they would do the memory exercise that night. After agreeing to be back at the older man's house at six that evening, Harry went home.

The first thing he did was text Zayn and ask if there was anytime soon in which he would get a breather from his boyfriend.

_ He's not my boyfriend _ , Zayn replied almost immediately.  _ But I'm not with Liam right now. What's up? _

_ Can I call?  _ Harry asked. 

Zayn saved them time by being the one to call instead.

“Is everything okay?” he asked after Harry had answered and they both exchanged the typical greetings.

“I need to talk,” Harry began, “and I think you will look at everything more rationally than the others and see all sides of everything too.”

“Sure,” Zayn allowed. “What's up?”

“Do you think Louis still loved me after the break up, before the accident?”

Harry wondered if Zayn suddenly regretted agreeing to be the one to talk to Harry because he was so silent for so long that Harry checked the phone to make sure their call hadn't gotten disconnected.

“Tell me the truth, please,” he added.

“I think he loved you, yes...”

“But…?”

“I'm not sure a reconciliation was what Louis had in mind the night of the accident.”

“Do you think we should be together?”

“You mean now?”

“If Louis hadn't gotten injured.”

There was another pause, but Harry could at least hear Zayn chomping on his gum that time, seeming to be deep in thought. Finally, he spoke again.

“If Louis didn't get in j ured and was ready to come out of the closet with you, then, yeah.”

“What if he's ready to come out of the closet but he's injured?”

“Everything is different now, Haz.”

“Do you think there is anyway that Louis could still love me?”

Harry regretted the question when it was only half out of his mouth because he fully expected the answer he received to be something along the lines of, 'No, Harry, you're crazy,' but that wasn't what Zayn said at all.

“Yes,” Harry thought he heard the other man say quietly.

“Yes?” the younger man asked, just to be certain.

“Yeah,” Zayn said. “It was kind of obvious with how quickly Louis bonded with you and how close he got to you. The heart loves, not the head. He hurt his head, and maybe his heart was hurt too, but the heart is much stronger and less likely to forget.”

Harry was crying, he realized when Zayn's words left him speechless. He wondered when he started and wanted to be ashamed, but he was too tired; too overwhelmed.

“If everyone can see that then why were you all being so weird about it over at Liam's before you two left?”

“Because you loved each other before and look how that turned out. Love is powerful, but it can't fix everything, if it can even really fix anything at all. Louis's heart might remember that he loves you, but then it has to remember how it broke too. I know you have wounds as well, Harry, and we don't want anyone's wounds re-opened, okay?”

“I don't think those wounds ever really closed for me, to be honest, Zayn.”

“Harry...”

Zayn trailed off and sighed.

“This sucks,” he said.

“Yeah,” Harry agreed after giving a humorless laugh.

Their phone call didn't last too much longer. It hadn't gone exactly as Harry had hoped, but he'd gotten the reassurance he needed for that night, at least.

He left his house a little early that evening so that he would have plenty of time to go to the store and gather the things he needed to make himself and Louis dinner.

“I think you should just move in,” Louis commented when he opened the door for Harry and saw him standing with the grocery bags. Harry only gave a small laugh, deciding not to even try to go down that road tonight.

Harry's plan for that night was to have a home dinner date because it used to be a favorite date night activity for them before, not that they had many other options, really. Well, they did, but not ones that didn't require lots of planning and sneaking, so when things were extra stressful, they would light some candles, eat some pasta and spend the night in, just the two of them. It always helped them to feel closer and relaxed for a short time, even during the most stressful of periods.

“ Is this part of the memory exercise already?” Louis asked as he watched Harry cook. He was leaned against the farthest counter, sipping on the sparkling champagne that Harry had bought. That was the only part of the date night he didn't keep real; it would typically be real alcohol, but he didn't feel as if that was a crucial detail. In fact, he thought it would probably do much more harm than good.

“It is,” Harry answered Louis's question. The goal was to relive one of the best parts of their relationship and hope that it helped Louis to remember that he loved Harry; if he did actually love him still, that was. If not…

Harry wasn't going to entertain that thought right then.

“Do you need help with anything?” Louis asked. Harry smiled, though Louis couldn't see. The older guy would always ask that in the past too, despite the fact that Harry's answer was always to, 'Just stand there, look pretty and relax until I need a taste tester.'

It was no different that night.

Once dinner was ready and the candles on the dining room table were lit, they sat and chatted. Nothing they discussed was of a heavy nature, which might not trigger any memory, but that was okay. The point in the past had been to relax, and maybe if Louis relaxed like he used to, it would open his mind to things,  or feelings, he had  thought he'd forgotten.

After they finished eating and sat there talking for an extra few minutes, Louis stood to begin cleaning. Harry helped, despite Louis telling him that he didn't have to because he cooked, and that, too, could have been a conversation pulled directly from four or so years ago.

“Okay, what's next?” Louis asked once the final dish had been dried and put away. Harry smiled.

“You might think it's ridiculous,” he said.

“What is it?” Louis asked, sounding reluctant, but smiling all the same.

“Now, we're doing to dance.”

“No!” Louis exclaimed, though his smile had grown, his eyes crinkling up at the edges.

“Yep,” Harry said, his own smile growing too.

“I can't dance!” Louis said.

“How do you know?” Harry asked, obnoxiously wiggling his eyebrows.

“Well, right now, I can barely walk.”

“Your walk is looking very good, actually, Lou,” Harry said, and then, “Don't worry, neither of us can really dance, but we have fun doing it anyway. I promise.”

“I'm taking it we've done this before then?”

Harry only smiled.

“That's a bit romantic for friends with benefits, isn't it?” Louis asked. Harry's smile grew still.

_ Yes _ , he screamed inside of his head.  _ Yes, yes, yes. _

“Come on,” was all he said, and took Louis's hand, leading him to the living room where he plugged his ipod into Louis's system and started playing one of 'their' song s ;  _ Thinking Out Loud _ by Ed Sheeran. Harry was still friends with the singer, though they hadn't seen each other in quite some time. Perhaps Louis should be re-introduced soon.

Louis was giggling as they started to dance and so was Harry. It really was just like old times.

The longer they danced, the more serious they became and before the song was over, they had fallen in synch with each other's footsteps. Louis was a little more unstable than normal, but Harry just held onto him tighter.

When the song drew to a close and Harry looked back at Louis's face, having had to look over his shoulder when he drew the man into his chest, he saw that his expression was completely serious. There wasn't an ounce of amusement written there now. Louis's eyes, which had been clouded over, came back into focus and settled on Harry's. Typically, this would be where they would kiss, and Harry barely even thought about it as he started to lean down. Louis's eyes fluttered closed as he started to slowly rise on his toes, but right before their lips touched, the smaller man gasped and pulled back. He didn't only look serious then; he looked upset.

“Lou, what-” Harry began to question what was wrong, but Louis interrupted.

“You need to leave,” he said. “Please.”

“What did I do?” Harry asked, heart pounding hard as his confusion and anxiety started to hit.  _ Harry, what did you do? _

“It's not you,” Louis said, voice quivering. “It's me. Please….please.”

Without even waiting to see if Harry saw himself out, Louis ran past Harry and up his stairs. Harry turned and was about to follow, but stopped after taking only one step.

He'd messed up. He'd really,  _ really _ messed up, and not just tonight, but from the very beginning. Even when trying to correct his mistakes, he screwed it all up. Maybe Louis would have been better if Harry had just vanished while he lay unconscious in the hospital bed. 

Maybe he would have been better if Harry left and made sure he was nothing to Louis; not even a memory.


	14. Chapter 14

Through Louis's twitter, the singer finally denied the rumors that he was dating Harry. He said it gently and politely, but it wasn't the first time he had made those claims on the site (or been forced to make those claims), so no one really believed it. Harry wasn't sure if Louis stayed on long enough to see that no one was buying his words, which were actually true that time, but he hoped not.

To try to make his wrongs a little bit better, Harry stayed away from Louis. It was hard, but he owed Louis that much. He'd confused and even, maybe, by accident, manipulated, him enough, so he deserved to suffer a little. Besides, Louis hadn't seemed _angry_ , so maybe once he worked through a couple of things himself, he would be ready to talk to Harry again. Maybe they could still be friends, even without the 'with benefits' part. Harry wouldn't mind that. He just didn't want to be out of Louis's life forever, even if it would serve him right.

But Louis didn't try to get in contact with Harry, so he knew he would have to try to move on like he probably should have long ago.

As soon as Louis had posted the denial, Gemma called Harry to ask if he was okay or if there was anything he wanted to talk about.

“Not really,” Harry had said, holding in a sigh. “I'll be okay. I survived losing Louis once so I guess I can do it again, now that he wasn't even really mine in the first place.”

Again, Gemma didn't seem to really believe his assurances and even seemed reluctant to get off the phone. Harry didn't know why. He hadn't handled the break up  _that_ badly the first time. Okay, so maybe he hadn't answered anyone's calls the first few days, as he spent his time crying and trying to catch his breath, but he'd at least let them know he was still alive. That was nice of him, he thought, when he  hadn't even want ed to move or open his tired eyes.

The only people who seemed to buy into Louis's denial were the people who didn't buy into the previous rumor confirming that they were dating anyway, but they did put the pieces together that Louis had denied dating Harry, but hadn't  said anything about the other part of the rumor; that he was gay. So when Louis started hanging out with some 'out' singer that had risen to fame only within the last year, new rumors began. Harry didn't stalk internet forums or anything-he'd learned his lesson  on that-but he looked just enough to see the confusion the events were causing everyone. Everyone who was still convinced that he and Louis were dating were trying to come up with a logical reason for the new pair, and everyone else,  the majority of whom had been convinced Louis was straight, was questioning who Louis was at all. 

Harry really had created quite the mess, and he felt as if he should reply to the many messages he got asking what was going on, but he couldn't.

Though Harry knew no more than the fans about what was  happening between Louis and his new guy friend, it hurt seeing them together in pictures and videos. He tried to convince himself that 'friends' was all they were, but he had doubts.

“Do you think they're together?” he eventually asked Niall. He hadn't wanted to, but he just couldn't resist anymore.

Despite the fact that they had been talking about a whole other topic completely, Niall still knew who he meant.

“I think they're just fucking, to be honest,” he answered bluntly. That didn't really make Harry feel any better.

After a few days of consistent Louis/new boyfriend rumors, Zayn even called to ask Harry if he was okay. Harry assured him that he was but that he didn't want to talk about it. Instead, he asked how he and Liam were doing.

“Not much better than you and Lou,” Zayn answered with a sigh. “He's been talking to a woman.”

Zayn said the last word like it was something poisonous.

“I'm sorry,” Harry said, and meant it.

“Nah, it's okay, I guess,” Zayn said, though didn't sound like it was 'okay' at all. “I couldn't expect Liam to be single forever.”

“Just tell him how you feel, Z.”

“He knows how I feel.”

“Yeah, but maybe he needs to actually hear it from you.”

“What will that change? It's not like he feels the same way.”

“Yes he does and you know it.”

“Maybe, but what  if  we're wrong and Liam doesn't want to be friends anymore after I tell him?”

“Then you won't have to stick around and hear him gush about the lady who I'm sure he's only using to try to get over you.”

Zayn sighed again.

“Stop being stubborn,” Harry said. “You always go after what you want and you always get it, so why are you so hesitant about this?”

“Liam could break me,” Zayn said quietly.

“Or he couldn't. Anyway, you're breaking your own heart right now.”

“We'll see.”

“Don't make me intervene, sir.”

“Yeah, please don't do that.”

“If you don't do something, I will be left with no choice, in all honesty.”

“Go get laid, Harry.”

“You're one to talk.”

Later, though, Harry really thought about Zayn's crude advice and decided to follow it. If Louis could screw his pain away, then so could Harry...probably. He could try, at least.

He told Niall of his plans, and instead of telling him that he didn't need to know such intimate details of his life, as he would do whenever Harry would talk a little too much about his alone time with Louis, Niall told Harry to meet him and Nina at a local and high-profile gay club that night.

Even though Harry almost backed out at least ten times, he did later find himself at the club, sipping a cocktail and dancing close to both Niall and Nina, if only so they could avoid looking like total creepers and also so that they were close enough to be heard over the pounding music.

“So who do you want?” Niall asked after he had caught Harry looking around a couple of times.

“I don't know. It doesn't matter,” Harry answered. He hadn't seen anything too exciting yet, and it wasn't because there were no attractive guys; it was just because...Well...Harry never really got too terribly excited when the other person wasn't Louis. He got excited enough just to make it work.

After another couple of drinks, he would probably be okay, he decided. He started drinking quicker.

“Come on, Harry!” Niall groaned with a roll of his eyes. “You can have probably any  guy you want.”

“Not  _any_ guy,” Harry pointed out with just a hint of bitterness to his tone. Niall slapped his cheek gently.

“Stop,” he ordered. “Wh at guy  _in this club_ do you want?”

Harry sighed, looking around the place yet again, a little more seriously that time. He felt like scum, looking for just a one night stand; and worse actually, because it was a  _rebound_ one-night stand, but people did this all the time. It was normal...right?

He was still looking around, trying to find a man that peaked his interest even a little bit when his eyes finally landed on the one he wanted.

“Louis,” Harry said.

“What?” Niall asked, and then groaned. “No, Harry; a guy who is in the club!”

It was then that Nina touched Niall's arm and pointed out that Louis was, in fact, in the club. Niall let out a whole slew of curse words, but Harry barely paid attention.

“Alright, let's go somewhere else,” Niall said, grabbing Harry's elbow and trying to pull him away, but Harry broke free.

“No,” he said. “Louis doesn't look right.”

“He's just drunk,” Niall said. “Maybe high too. He's fine. Let's go.”

“That's not the singer he's been out with,” Harry noted, though he hadn't looked at the man who was kissing Louis's neck quite long enough to be one hundred percent sure of that fact. Well, he was going to find out what was going on and put a stop to it anyway, he decided as he headed towards the pair.

“No!” Niall shouted, loud enough to be heard over the music even when Harry was a few feet away. The shorter man then apparently turned part cheetah or something because he ran and jumped on Harry's back with enough force to temporarily take his breath away. Niall didn't seem too concerned.

“I'm not letting you cock block Louis again, or yourself!” he said, still shouting. “Leave Louis to his business and pick another man, Harry, please!”

“Get off, Ni!” Harry said, spinning in circles and tugging on his friend's arms that were wrapped around his shoulders. Niall didn't let go and that went on for a bit of time; enough to cause quite a bit of attention to fall on them, and then someone laid a hand on Harry's shoulder and got him to still long enough to say in his ear,

“That is quite an interesting dance move there.”

Harry knew that voice immediately. It was Louis.

Niall groaned again as he let himself drop to his feet off of Harry's back.

“Hi,” Harry said to his ex. Louis didn't return the greeting, but he gave the 'come here' motion with his index finger and, well, okay; Harry wasn't going to argue with that.

“Harry!” he heard Niall call one last time as he followed Louis away from the dance floor and, eventually, to the men's bathroom which was, by some miracle, empty except for the two of them.

“I'm sorry for the other night,” Louis apologized.  He looked more normal now, so maybe it had just been the lights making him look funny before.

Or maybe Harry really just hadn't liked seeing another guy on what should be his man.

“Its okay,” Harry said. “I'm sorry I upset you.”

“It wasn't that. It was...”

Louis trailed off. Harry wanted to bang his own head against the sink. Why, after all this time, could Louis never tell Harry his true feelings to their full extent?

“It's complicated,” Louis finally finished.

“I wish I knew how you felt,” Harry admitted. Louis shook his head quickly.

“I'm tired of messing up with you,” Harry added.

“It's not you, Harry.”

“Yes it is.”

“Well, maybe if you weren't so amazing,” Louis said, clearly trying to make his words sound light, but not quite succeeding.

“What?” Harry asked, frowning in confusion.

“I think, Harry, that I may have liked you a little more than 'friends with benefits.' I think…”

Again, Louis trailed off, shaking his head another time.

“Lou, tell me,” Harry pleaded. Louis said nothing, staring at the sink and perhaps considering banging his own head against it. “Louis.”

“I'm probably just confused,” Louis finally said, his eyes still far away.

“I want to help.”

Though his eyes were glazed over, moisture rose in them. Harry started to panic, but Louis swallowed and blinked and then they were gone. He looked back to Harry.

“Is there more to us than I know?”

“Yes.”

Louis nodded, shifting on his feet.

“I'll explain everything,” Harry told him.

“That would be lovely, but tonight, I want to play a game.”

“What kind of game…?” Harry asked hesitantly.

“You'll see,” Louis said, and promptly exited the bathroom, leaving Harry standing there utterly perplexed for a few moments before he finally shook himself back to reality and ran out of the bathroom calling Louis's name.  The smaller man was already lost in the crowd though, and Harry sighed in defeat.

He wasn't left to wallow in self-pity alone for long, though, because then Niall and Nina ran over.

“What happened now?” the man asked.

“Louis has gone mental,” Harry said. Surprisingly, Niall didn't even ask for an explanation.

“Are you ready to go?” he said instead.

“Not yet,” Harry said. He did kind of want to leave, but he had the feeling that he shouldn't quite yet.

“Then we're getting another round,” Niall decided, and the other two obediently followed him to the bar.

Halfway through their drinks, Niall came up with the theory that more men would probably come hit on Harry if the two others weren't around, so he took Nina back to the dance floor. Less than one minute later, Louis approached, throwing himself against the bar with so much force that Harry jumped, though smiled in relief when he saw who it was.

“Hey cutie,” Louis said, his front still against the bar as he pushed his butt out seemingly as far as it would go.

“Hi, Lou,” Harry said, one eyebrow quirked in amusement.

“Start over!” Louis said, and then disappeared again.  _What?_ Harry was so confused. Should he follow? 

Before he could decide either way, Louis approached Harry in the same way as the first time.

“Hey,” Harry greeted. Louis smiled.

“Come here often?” he asked.

“Um…not really.”

“I didn't think so,” Louis said. “I think I would remember a face like that.”

“You think...What?!” Harry asked. Was it the alcohol making him really not understand what was going on? Had he consumed  _that_ much?

“I'm hitting on you,” Louis explained. “I'm Louis, by the way.”

Harry thought the extent of his frown probably looked pretty comical because he could feel the pull of his muscles as his lips turned downward.

“I'm taking that as a no then,” Louis said, and walked away slowly. Though he was still confused; utterly perplexed, to be honest, Harry chased after him before he was out of sight that time.

“Hey,” Harry said, tapping the other on the shoulder. Louis turned around.

“I'm Harry,” Harry said. Louis smiled.

“Well, Harry, who are you here with?”

“My friend and his girlfriend.”

“Third wheeling it, eh?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, my company ditched me, so do you think you would be wiling to give a stranger a ride home?”

“We're not really strangers now that we at least know each other's names,” Harry told him.

“I suppose you're right,” Louis said, smiling again.

“I am therefore very willing to take you home,” Harry said.

“Alright. Thank you, Harry.  Y ou're very kind, and I'm ready whenever you are.”

“Let's go.”

Harry sent Niall a text on his way out the door, explaining that he was taking Louis home. He didn't care to think about how much trouble he was going to be in later.

The ride to Louis's place was quiet, and Harry kept feeling like he should say something, but he had been messing things up quite a bit lately, so in the end decided to just let Louis lead this 'game.'

“Would you like to come in for a few?” Louis asked when Harry had pulled up into his driveway.

“Okay.”

After shutting off the car, both Harry and Louis got out and Harry waited patiently as Louis opened the door, heart racing because he simply had no idea what to expect next.

“Nice place,” Harry complimented once inside, going along with pretending that they had just met that night.

“Thank you,” Louis said, and in the next instant, had Harry pressed against the door as their lips touched and moved together expertly.

Their lips still seemed to know each other very well.

“Bed,” Louis breathed, and Harry obliged, beginning to walk with Louis to the room (his head, or heart, or something inside screaming 'no' at him the entire time), but before they'd even got ten to the stairs, Louis's lips were pressed against Harry's again, and Harry gently backed the other against the wall to steady him as they began making out again. The couch may have to do for the night.

_No, no, no, no, no, no,_ that thing inside kept screaming at Harry as he began to pull Louis's shirt off, but before it had even stopped, Louis pulled back, shoving Harry's hands gently off him and wiping his lips.

“No,” he said, pulling down his shirt as he stepped around Harry. “ I'm sorry, but I can't do this.”

He looked upset again. Harry should probably just lock himself away and throw away the key after this because he clearly couldn't stay away from Louis, but he also couldn't be around him without hurting him, and that was worse.

“I can't just pretend that I don't know you,” Louis said.

Harry nodded, not sure what the whole point of doing that was anyway, but not questioning.

“How can you?” Louis continued.

“It was hard, but I was just trying to go along with your game,” Harry said. He didn't know why Louis was so upset about this anyway.

“No, I mean, how could you just pretend that we were nothing?”

Harry frowned again, not as comically as at the club, but enough to know he was doing it.

“I don't understand,” he said.

“When I woke up from the coma, you were perfectly okay with pretending to be just band mates and then friends and then friends with benefits, but never in love. We were in love, weren't we?”

“Lou-” Harry started, nearly breathless. Louis's words shocked him, and they were so wonderful yet so cruel at the same time, but Louis didn't let him finish his thought.

“I mean, I'm pretty damn sure I was in love with you, and I thought you felt the same way. I mean, our tattoos...the way we always seemed to be so close...What happened? Were we having issues or something? Was my accident an easy way out for you? How could you do that, Harry?!”

“Louis, that isn't what happened at all!” Harry exclaimed, a little hurt that Louis would think he would do something like that, and he had to remind himself that Louis just simply didn't know him well enough  anymore  to know  that he wouldn't.

“Then explain!”

“We used to be together, Lou, a long time ago, but we'd been broken up for years; over three years! We were band mates, and I like to think we were still friends, but we barely uttered a word to each other during those three years. Your accident wasn't an easy way out for me, Lou. I thought of it as a new beginning, and that's fucked, I realize that now, and I'm sorry, but I would never…I would never just leave you like that.”

Louis had started to cry. Harry knew he was going to at some point, and he had to fight not to start crying himself.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I'll tell you the whole story. I should have done it before. I was trying to save you from the pain of everything because, yes, we were in love, but we had to pretend. We had to hide the fact that we were in love and it might not sound so bad, but it was...It was awful, Lou, and I didn't want you to have to relive that. I guess I just ended up causing more pain, though, and I'm sorry, I really am.”

“Everything is so fucked up,” Louis said, rubbing his eyes furiously.

“I know,” Harry said.

“Do you still love me?” Louis asked.

“Always,” Harry said. Louis nodded.

“I don't know what I want to do right now, Harry,” Louis said, putting his hands back down to his side after a moment. His eyes were so red, and Harry's heart somehow crumbled even more. “But can you please stay the night still? Not to have sex, not to talk…Just…Stay with me?”

Harry took a step closer to Louis, taking his hand in what was only supposed to be a comforting touch.

“Always,” he assured the man.


	15. Chapter 15

“So was I ever really dating this girl?”

Harry glanced over to the laptop that Louis had opened, despite knowing the answer to his question already.

“No,” he said, quickly looking away from the picture of Louis and his first 'serious girlfriend,' Eleanor. It was fake and Harry knew that, and he didn't have anything against the woman personally. He just was against everything she stood for.

Louis nodded at Harry's answer and went back to scrolling.

“What about her?” he asked after another few moments. Bracing himself, Harry looked again to see a picture of Danielle.

“No,” he said.

“I think it's stupid that I had to pretend I was then.”

“I agree, but our management team didn't think girls would like us anymore if they found out any one of us were gay, let alone two of us and that we were in a relationship.”

“Are those the girls we really want to be our fans then?” Louis questioned.

“Not really, but we were young, naive and excited when we signed our contract.”

“How long did you say we were together?”

“I didn't, but we were together four years.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“So what happened?”

After taking an hour to himself  once Harry came clean about the truth, Louis had come back to the living room to wordlessly join Harry on the couch with his laptop. Harry hadn't said a word until Louis did, but now it seemed he was really ready to know everything.

“A lot happened.”

Louis, who had turned his attention away from the laptop to look at Harry, closed the computer and turned his whole body to the other man.

“I have time if you do.”

“ Being closeted broke us,” Harry said, and thought maybe that sounded a bit melodramatic, but he knew it wasn't. It was the complete truth. 

“I can see where it would be difficult, but was it really that bad?” Louis asked.

Harry sighed.

“Yeah,” he said. “It wasn't so bad at the beginning, but the more popular we got, the stricter our closet became. We could barely talk to each other in public. Hell, we got in trouble if we even looked at each other the wrong way. We had to deny our relationship over and over again. Both of us had to go through more media training than at the start of everything, and that...I think that was what did it, really. You were always so flamboyant and loud and bubbly...but they made you tone it way down to where we barely even recognized you anymore. I don't think you even recognized yourself much either.”

Harry got a bit choked up remembering how he had been forced to watch his Louis fade little by little every day, in public first but then eventually in private too. Somehow, he was able to fight off the emotion.

“I still got glimpses of your true self when we were alone every now and then, but they changed everything about you, which made you feel like there was something wrong with who you were and it was almost like you were ashamed.”

Harry cut himself off there, analyzing Louis's face and making sure he wasn't going too far. The older man looked a little sad, but Harry knew he still had no idea how hard it all was for either of them. He couldn't know unless he remembered, and despite everything, Harry still didn't want him to get those particular memories back. He even thought he might be okay with Louis not getting any of his memories back if those stayed repressed too, but he didn't know if that was a selfish wish or not.

Of course, he really wished he had never lost any of his memories in the first place but he supposed now all he could hope for was the second best option.

“ I'm sorry you had to go through that,” Louis spoke again.

“You went through it too.”

“Yeah, but I got to forget it.”

“All of it might still be ingrained in your brain somewhere,” Harry said.

“I doubt it. I think everything is gone, to be honest.”

“Maybe not. I think you must have kind of remembered me, or us, with how you said I was your favorite and whatnot.”

Louis gave a small smile, but quickly covered his face and repositioned himself so that he was leaning back, letting out a loud groan as he did so.

“Headache?” Harry asked.

“Yeah.”

“Have you talked to the doctor about them?”

“No.”

“Maybe you should.”

“I have brain damage, Harry. I'm sure it's normal to feel a little pain.”

“Louis William Tomlinson, I will force you to go to the doctor.”

“No you won't.”

“I will. I let you go home the night of the accident and I regret it every day. All of this could have been prevented.”

“Maybe. Maybe not, but it wasn't your job to force me to go anyway.”

“It was, kind of.”

“We were barely even friends at the time, right? I was nothing to you.”

Harry nearly gasped out loud, Louis's words feeling something akin to a knife.

“You were never nothing to me, Lou.”

“This still isn't on you, Haz.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Please do.”

Louis finally uncovered his face, giving Harry a small, encouraging smile to continue. Harry did.

“We were talking the night of the accident.  _Really_ talking for the first time in over three years.”

Louis smiled, but it wasn't a completely joyful look.

“Damn fate being a bitch,” he said.

Harry smiled in the same way.

“What were we talking about?” Louis asked then.

“I don't really know,” Harry told him. “We didn't get far. We were apologizing for everything that happened with the break up and saying how it was sad that we didn't even stay friends.”

“Yeah,” Louis said, like he agreed even though he couldn't remember the extent of anything at all. “Going back to us, though, what  _exactly_ happened?”

  


_Louis was sitting on the couple's bedroom floor, cross-legged and bent forward, crying hard into his hands. Harry was standing against the wall, head back and crying too, but more quietly. He wanted desperately to go back to the part where they were yelling because the sound of only their cries was breaking his heart even more, no matter how impossible he felt that should be._

_That day, Harry found out that Louis had been going to see both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, unbeknownst to him. He didn't understand why Louis would have to hide such a thing from him when Harry had told him multiple times that if he wanted to talk to someone, then he had his full support. When confronted, Louis told Harry that he hadn't wanted him to worry._

_“I was already worried!” Harry had said, suddenly feeling as if Louis didn't know him at all. He did, of course, but something had changed between the two and in some ways, it felt as if they were strangers now._

_Harry had only found out Louis's secret because he found pills-anti-depressants-in Louis's luggage. The two were about to go on vacation to Cancun, and though Harry usually did all of the packing for the both of them when they went on trips, Louis insisted on doing his own that time. Harry didn't really think anything about it, and he had simply been checking through Louis's stuff to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything when he found the pills folded into one of his boyfriend's shirts._

_The pills were clearly prescription, but, of course, Harry had to question Louis about them anyway. He did it kindly and calmly, he thought, but Louis had still freaked out, asking why Harry had been snooping through his things and ripping the medicine bottle out of Harry's hands._

_“I wasn't snooping!” Harry defended, honestly. “You shouldn't be keeping secrets to worry about it anyway!”_

_“Everyone has secrets,” Louis had said, crossing his arms tight over his chest._

_“Even from their boyfriend?” Harry asked._

_“_ _**Especially** _ _ from their boyfriend!” _

_Ouch._

_“What else are you keeping from me, Lou?”_

_“Nothing!”_

_“How am I supposed to believe you now?”_

_“I don't know!” Louis exclaimed, hands flying into the air. “You either do or you don't, I guess!”_

_“Why are you being like this?!” Harry asked, his voice cracking as tears threatened to start spilling out from his eyes right then. He guessed that it wouldn't matter if they did because instead of answering, Louis started crying himself, his angry expression melting into one of sheer despair as he covered his face, still not ever wanting anyone to see him cry, even his boyfriend._

_“I can't do this,” Louis said when comforting words failed Harry. Honestly, Harry's chest just hurt so bad that he didn't know if he would have been able to speak._

_“Can't do what?”Harry asked, his voice cracking yet again._

_“Any of this.”_

_“I know it isn't easy,” Harry said, upset but not panicking too much yet because it wasn't the first time Louis had said this; not even close. “It's not easy for me either.”_

_“I know it isn't! That's why I didn't want you worried about me!”_

_“I love you. Of course I'm going to worry,” Harry said, gently touching Louis's wrist to try to get him to uncover his face, but the older man flinched away._

_“Don't say that,” he said._

_“Don't say what?”_

_Louis didn't answer._

_“That I'm going to worry?”_

_Still, nothing._

_“That I love you?!” Harry questioned then. Louis's breath hitched as a pathetic 'hm' came from his throat._

_“Why can't I say that I love you, Lou?” Harry asked._

_“Because I can't do this, Harry!” Louis nearly shrieked, his hands flying up again as he collapsed onto the ground. Knees feeling suddenly very weak, Harry leaned against the wall and, finally, he began to cry too._

_“We can get through this,” Harry finally said after several uncomfortable minutes of only crying._

_ “I can't,” Louis said, his voice thick and muffled from his hands. Looking away from the ceiling, Harry placed his eyes back on his boyfriend and that was when it hit him. This wasn't Louis, not really. Not the old Louis, at least. That Louis was all but gone, and Harry loved every version of Louis, but now he realized that Louis didn't love this version of himself. He needed to save whatever was left of past Louis. _

_ “ _ _ Babe,” he said gently as he moved to sit next to his boyfriend and touch his knee. Louis jerked away again, repositioning himself to draw his knees up to his chin. _

_ “ _ _ Babe,” Harry said again, a little more desperately that time. _

_“I need you to leave, please,” Louis said quietly; so quietly that Harry had to turn the words over in his mind a few times to come to the conclusion that that was what he had really said._

_“Lou-”_

_“I need time to think.”_

_“But, Lou-”_

_Louis jumped to his feet so fast that Harry jolted, and then he quickly stood as well._

_“Get out, please!” Louis said, hands balled into fists by his side as he just let his tears fall visibly then._

_“Hey, baby, calm down, please. Let's talk about this-”_

_“Later, Harry, but right now. I need you to leave!”_

_“Louis...”_

_Harry honestly didn't know what he was going to say. He just knew that he didn't want to leave, but Louis seemed to not care right then because he shoved softly on Harry's chest, backing him out of the room and to the staircase, where Harry turned and started walking by himself, but only after verifying that Louis was following._

_“You're seriously kicking me out?” Harry asked as Louis started backing him next to the front door._

_“No,” Louis said after thinking for a moment. “I can leave.”_

_As the smaller man attempted to get around the other, Harry grabbed him by the shoulders, pushing him back lightly and shaking his head._

_“No,” he said, another tear rolling down his cheek. He found it amazing that he'd even stopped crying in the first place. “If one of us has to leave, it will be me.”_

_ With that, Harry turned on his heel and left the house for what would be the last time for a long, long while. _

_That wasn't the actual end to their relationship. The two did talk after that, the very next day, after doing some deep thinking. It was then that they decided it best to make the separation permanent. Both of them cried while agreeing to it, and for Harry, it definitely wasn't the best decision, but it was the only way he could think of to save Louis._

  


“I'm sorry, Harry.”

“It wasn't your fault.”

“It sounds like it was.”

“No, Lou, you were depressed. It wasn't your fault.”

“Did the break-up help?”

“You seemed to get better, yeah.”

Louis chewed on his lip, thinking.

“We should do one of those interviews,” he said after a few moments. “We need to get the truth out.”

“We have to be careful,” Harry said. “We can tell the truth, but we can't mention anything about our old team. Even though we're not working with any of them anymore, we could still get sued.”

Louis frowned.

“Did either of us ever have someone else?” he asked then.

“We dated off and on, but it was never anything serious for me, and I don't know about you for sure, but I don't think you had anything as serious either.”

“So they…our old team...They can ruin our lives, but we can't ruin theirs?”

“Your life isn't ruined, Lou,” Harry said, reaching out to gently squeeze Louis's knee. “You're okay.”

Louis didn't look particularly 'okay,' though. Something had clearly gotten to him and upset him, so Harry pulled him over gently, wrapping the smaller man up in his arms tightly.

“We're okay, Lou.”

“I don't know what I want to do,” Louis admitted for the second time that night.

“You don't have to decide right now,” Harry assured him.

“I meant about us.”

“I know what you meant.”

“ What do you want to do?”

“Whatever you want to do.”

“That isn't helpful.”

“Sorry,” Harry said, rubbing Louis's arm in what he hoped was a comforting manner, “but it's the truth. Take your time deciding, Lou, seriously.”

“I do know that I want to tell the truth.”

“Okay,” Harry said. “I guess we need to set up an interview then.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was a little shorter than most of the others!


	16. Chapter 16

Since it had been a while since Louis and Harry had received all of those offers for various talk shows, the producers of said shows had finally taken their silence as a no and stopped contacting the both of them. Harry had no doubt in his mind, though, that if either of them contacted the show, they would get on in a hurry, but, luckily, they had a friend in the business; James Corden.

James had been one of the many friends who had sent Louis get well wishes and let him know that he would love to re-meet him again whenever Louis was feeling up to it. So far, Louis hadn't really seemed to want to re-meet many people, which was understandable, Harry thought, and after explaining to James that he just thought Louis had been overwhelmed, as they all had been, the actor and talk show host assured Harry that it was completely alright and said that of course they could go on his show. However, he didn't have a spot for them open until the following Friday-about a week-and-a-half away, but Louis and Harry decided that that actually worked out. It gave them time to plan and prepare for both the show and everything that would come afterward.

“So you're going to fly here early and spend a couple days with Z and me, right?” Liam had asked when Harry called him to tell of their plans. He was handling all of this much better than Harry had expected.

“I'll have to talk to Louis,” Harry said, “but I would love to, yeah.”

“Well, then, even if Louis doesn't want to, you can come down early. You know you always have a place here with the two of us.”

Harry had a place in LA of his own too, but he thanked Liam for the gesture.

To his pleasure, when Harry mentioned the early trip down to Louis, the other man agreed that it was a great idea and seemed legitimately excited to see his other friends. His excitement was contagious and Harry found himself counting down the days.

To give the former couple a break from the stress of planning for their 'coming out' day, Niall insisted that they take the formerly delayed trip to Eventim Apollo, the venue where they had performed their first major London concert during their debut tour. Harry wasn't sure it was a good idea, because Louis was stressed enough as it was, but Louis wanted to do it so, of course, they did.

“Are we going to be able to get in?” Harry asked as the three pulled up to the venue. He was in the backseat while Niall drove and Louis had called shotgun.

“Of course I made the arrangements for us to be able to get in,” Niall said. “Honestly, Harry, do you have no faith in me?”

“Sorry,” Harry said with a sheepish smile. He supposed that he knew Niall would think to set up a tour of sorts, but, honestly, he was just so nervous that he was kind of hoping that they wouldn't be able to get in. He had no way of knowing, of course, if the visit would trigger any of Louis's memories or not, but either option was almost equally as stressful.

If he didn't remember, Louis would probably get discouraged, which would raise his stress levels higher. Harry knew what stress and pressure could do to Louis.

On the other hand, if he did remember some moments from that first concert that was so, so long ago, other memories may come flooding back as well and, of course, Harry had concerns about that also.

“We're here!” Niall exclaimed unnecessarily as he parked and shut off his car. Louis unfastened his seat belt, stretched his arms out in front of him and then got out of the car. The other two followed suit.

They were greeted by no other than the manager of the venue, and while Harry was grateful that he was letting them use the place with no benefit to the business, he was a little annoyed that the guy seemed to just want to stick around. He didn't think he was letting his annoyance show, but after more than one occasion of awkward silence, the manager told them that he would be in his office if they needed anything and then went on his way. The three watched him go, waited a few seconds after he'd rounded the corner and was out of site and then Niall said,

“Okay then! Now onto business.”

The group ventured backstage first. It was funny to Harry how small this place seemed now when it had appeared so huge during the gig.

“I'm actually not sure which dressing room was whos,” Niall commented as they passed by the places they had changed.

“This was ours-mine and Lou's,” Harry said, hurrying to try the door on the last room. It was unlocked, so he pushed it open.

“We shared a room?” Louis asked, picking up his pace a little bit to come look in the room as well.

“Yeah,” Harry said, stepping inside and taking a look around. The room looked different. It had been re-painted and a couple pieces of furniture replaced, but it was clearly the same place. With a smile, Harry gladly noted that the terrible green couch was still the same.

 

_“_ _I may not make it out of this alive.”_

_Louis rolled his eyes, wiggling his hips a bit in order to button his jeans, and then gave his boyfriend a smile before checking to make sure the door to their dressing room was closed and giving him a kiss._

_“You say that before every show and you are still alive,” he pointed out once they broke apart, turning away then to put his shirt on. Harry reached out, pulling Louis back by his bare hips and placing a kiss on his neck. Louis giggled and, dropping his shirt on the floor, turned to cup Harry's face in his hands and peck his lips again. “You're going to be fine, my love,”_

_“And if I mess up? Like really, really mess up?”_

_“_ _Well then I reckon we will have no choice but to kick you out of the band at that point, Harry.”_

_Harry glared and Louis smiled, stealing yet another kiss from his love._

_“Joking, obviously, babe. I'll still love you, even if you fuck everything up.”_

_Louis winked, but Harry knew that his words were , and he smiled._

_“I love you,” the younger boy said, biting Louis's bottom lip before sucking it gently to make it feel better. Louis let out the tiniest of moans; one that he clearly tried to hide, but Harry heard it and, smirking against his boyfriend's skin, Harry lifted the other man from his feet and carried him over to the ugly pea-colored couch and laid him down, making sure to support his head as he propped pillows up behind him to make the position the most comfortable that he could._

_“_ _I love you,” Louis replied almost a minute later, when Harry had finally paused to let him get some air._

_“Love you so much,” Harry said, supporting himself over top of Louis as he kissed the guy's forehead, nose, cheekbone, lips, jawline...Any place he saw that he hadn't kissed yet that evening. Louis had his arms around Harry's waist and the more Harry kissed, the tighter his grip grew._

_“Are you still nervous?” Louis asked, his breath uneven, after Harry had successfully sucked a small bruise into his collarbone. The younger man licked the wound and then looked his boyfriend in the eyes, smiling._

_“Not a bit,” he said. For a time, they just stayed like that; their eyes locked, taking in each other's disheveled appearance_ _s_ _. Then, a hard rap on the door made them jump._

_“Louis! Harry! Come on! Make-up needs you!” Liam's voice rang through from the other side. Louis rolled his eyes._

_“Be right there, Liam,” he called in a not-so-promising tone._

_“No! Now!” the other singer said, needlessly knocking again._

_“Just a minute!”_

_“Alright, neither of you better be naked because I'm coming in.”_

_Neither of them were naked; only Louis was missing an article of clothing with his shirt, but Liam didn't give them a chance to assure him of that before he flung the door open, bursting in the room like a parent sure they were going to bust their child doing something they shouldn't be doing._

_Well, in a way, that was what it was._

_“Oh my god!” Liam gasped, covering his eyes despite the fact that nothing was_ _**really** _ _ going on.  _

_ “I told you to give us a minute,” Louis said, unsympathetic at their friend's discomfort and pulling Harry down further to place his own kiss on his lover's neck. _

_ “We don't have time for that, guys!” Liam whined, twisting his hips back and forth from the stress, but not daring to uncover his eyes, lest the two take things further with him standing right there in the room. “We have a show to do!” _

_ “It won't take us long,” Harry assured the guy. “I work fast.” _

_ Liam actually whimpered then and turned to leave the room. He had to move his hands from his eyes to feel around and make sure he wasn't about to run into anything or anyone as he walked out with his eyes still shut. Louis giggled as their friend closed the door behind them. _

_ “I don't know how he ever lost his virginity,” the older boy commented. “He's much too uptight.” _

_ “That's one way to loosen someone up, I guess,” Harry said. Louis laughed, moving to sit up, but Harry stayed where he was, a frown quickly taking place on his face. _

_ “We're stopping?” _

_ “Well, we do have things to do, Harry. He wasn't lying,” Louis said. _

_ “I know,” Harry said, “but I wasn't lying either. I'll make this quick, babe. I promise.” _

  


“ If I had never heard that story in my life, I would have died a happier man.”

Both Harry and Louis laughed at Niall's words and look of sheer disgust. Most of it was only put on, Harry thought, but either way, he knew their friend would survive.

After leaving the dressing rooms (in quite a hurry, in Niall's case,) they next showed Louis the spot where Zayn almost fainted from being so nervous, and then went out on the stage, Niall greeting the fake audience just like they would have had it actually been that show back in 2011. Louis cracked up at that, for whatever reason, but it made the other two laugh too and lightened the mood. Before they knew it, they were bouncing around stage, screaming 'What Makes You Beautiful' into their invisible microphones.

When it was all said and done, Louis hadn't remembered a thing, but he assured Harry and Niall that it hadn't been a wasted day. He was smiling and he seemed in good spirits. It was a big improvement, Harry thought, since all of their previous memory exercises had ended with stress, discouragement and even, sometimes, tears.

***

Harry and Louis took a private jet to LA, knowing they would have to stay in seclusion until after their show. Word had gotten out that they were appearing and people were going crazy with curiosity. Harry hadn't even been able to access his social media for three days.

Of course, Harry's family had called right away, seeming to be angry at first since that was another piece of information they had learned from the public and not from Harry himself. Mostly, though, they were just worried, and Harry assured them that he knew what he was doing and that he was ready. He actually believed his words that time.

The pair went out the back exit of the airport, where a driver was waiting in close proximity and  who then sped them to Zayn's place. It wasn't Zayn who answered the door, though, but Liam, and the man smiled brightly when he saw his two friends before bringing them both into tight hugs, telling them that it was nice to see them and helping them get their bags in a somewhat organized manner in the front entryway. Harry was happy that he seemed to still like him well enough.

“Are you two nervous for Friday?” Liam asked and, before they could answer, shook his head at himself and said, “Never mind, of course you are. It's fucking nerve-wracking even when you're not revealing some long-hidden secret. You'll do fine, though, I know it.”

The two barely had time to thank him for the reassurance before Zayn finally made his way to the entryway, nursing a rather large bottle of wine.

“Ooh, don't you look rich?” Louis teased his friend.

“I need to get drunk,” Zayn said. “I just found out Cruella is coming.”

“Who?” Louis asked, a confused frown forming on his face. He glanced very briefly to Harry, who shrugged,  having no idea who this woman Zayn was talking about was either.

“He's talking about my girlfriend,” Liam said with an amused eye roll. There was a smile on his face. He clearly missed the way Zayn cringed at the word 'girlfriend' and then took a big gulp from his alcohol bottle.

“I'm assuming her name isn't really Cruella,” Louis guessed.

“No, it's Cynthia,” Liam explained.

“And you're okay with Zayn calling her Cruella?”

“Well, she does have a coat like Cruella De  Vil  on  _101 Dalmatians_ ,” Liam allowed.

“Yeah, I'm sure that coat is the reason he calls her Cruella,” Harry joked. Either his sarcasm went over Liam's head or the man chose to ignore it. 

“Are you going to share that wine or what, Zayn?” he asked. Zayn stared the man down until Liam quirked an eyebrow. Then, the darker haired man sighed, mumbling something about how he thought Liam had given up drinking as he turned and shuffled away.

“ He's a bottle of sunshine today,” Louis commented once they had watched the man walk away. Liam shrugged.

“He was in a good mood until a little bit ago.”

“Was that before or after he was told of Cruella's forthcoming appearance?” Harry asked. Liam only laughed, shaking his head at Harry like that was the most ridiculous question he could have asked, and then motioned for his two friends to follow him.

Harry had assumed, when Zayn had shuffled away like he had, that he was going to fetch glasses or something to share the wine as Liam had suggested, but he was wrong. When they found their friend, he was in his home theater/game room, curled in a recliner with a blanket and his wine. It was almost laugh-worthy, but just a little too pathetic to really be amusing. Harry wanted to give him a hug, but resisted for the time being.

***

Maybe it was just because of the fact that Harry was rooting so hard for Liam and Zayn, but he wasn't particularly fond of Cynthia, which he discovered pretty early  on in the woman's visit. She was definitely Liam's type, at least for females, with her smooth, tan skin, short skirt and low top. Her voice, though...Well...Harry wasn't usually the type to judge someone for anything, especially what they couldn't help, but her voice was high and shrill. In fact, it was so much so that, after Zayn had answered the front door for her and led her to her boyfriend, Cynthia screamed, “Hey, baby!” and the tone and pitch of her voice actually made Louis jump. Harry had to cough to hide his laugh, though that task became more difficult when Louis turned to look at him with wide eyes, as if asking what horror their friend was putting them through for the day. 

When the two turned towards Zayn, though; checking how he was holding up, Harry's momentary amusement left him again and he frowned at his friend, who was studying his hand tattoo that he'd had for years like he had just gotten it that day.

“Hey,” the group heard Liam say to the woman sometime in between all that, and they heard the sound of smacking lips as the pair kissed as well. Zayn softly cleared his throat. Liam, oblivious, of course, continued, “Cynthia, this is Harry and Louis, and Harry and Louis, this is my girlfriend, Cynthia.”

“Oh my gosh, I didn't even see them sitting there!” Cynthia exclaimed, and then cackled loudly. Harry resisted the urge to rub his ears and joined Louis in telling her the polite lie that it was a pleasure to meet her. 

As soon as the woman turned back to her boyfriend, Louis slithered over to Zayn to steal a big drink from his wine bottle.

“Do you lot want to get a couple rounds of video games in or something?” Liam asked the group then. “We need to do something before Cindy and I head out.”

“You're leaving?” Zayn finally spoke.

“Yeah. We're going shopping,” Liam exclaimed.

“Oh, wow, Cynthia! Have you worn all of your new outfits from last week already?” Zayn asked. Harry's mouth almost fell open but the poor, naive girl just laughed.

“Yes, actually!” she answered, turning to Liam and laughing again like it was the funniest situation ever. Liam forced a smile and she kissed him. 

Louis stole one more drink from Zayn.

Harry knew he was being stereotypical, but he couldn't help but to be surprised that Cynthia agreed to the whole 'video game' plan. He was less surprised when she took all of Liam's turns and made him lose badly, cackling the entire time and screaming for her boyfriend to save her, only to rip the controller away from him when he tried to do so. 

“Yeah, so she has to go,” Louis commented once he, Harry and Zayn saw the couple out.

“Right!” Zayn exclaimed, taking the final swig from his bottle. Harry gave him credit for making it last that long, honestly. Zayn continued, “Like, it would even be okay-ish if the woman was a decent person, but she is clearly just using him. Why can't Liam see that? Why can he  _never_ see that?”

“I think he just really hates being alone,” Harry said. Liam had spent a lot of his life feeling alon e and now that he knew company would be easy to come by, he took it from almost anywhere.

“But he doesn't have to be alone, and he doesn't have to lower his standards to make sure of that,” Zayn said, brandishing his hands so wildly that Louis took the empty wine bottle from him to prevent any catastrophes.

“So fucking tell him that,” Louis said to Zayn. The man stilled, looking towards his friend in shock. Harry looked to his ex-lover as well, growing a bit nervous. Louis sighed. 

“Look, I can't remember shit about either of you, but I know you fucking love each other,” he went on.

“It's too late now,” Zayn mumbled, a bit dramatically, in Harry's opinion, though he couldn't really blame the man for being a little over-the-top in this situation. “He has a girlfriend.”

“It's never to o late to tell someone you love them,” Louis said flatly. Silence fell around the group for just a moment and then Louis spoke again, his teasing edge back in his tone. “Well, maybe it's too late once someone's died, and that shouldn't be for a while  in this situation , but I'm not so sure because if I had to listen to that voice all the time, I would definitely be driven to perhaps jump off a cliff.”

To Louis's honor, Zayn actually managed a laugh.

“You're telling Liam that you love him the next time you see him,” Louis told the man. “When will that be?”

“He's supposed to come over tonight unless he ditches for Cruella,” Zayn said.

“Great. What are you planning to do?”

“Not much. Just grab some dinner and work on some music together.”

“No, that's perfect,” Louis said. “Make the dinner a romantic one and maybe write him a song. If you're not ready to take him out somewhere romantic, just set something up here. Trust me, it will work.”

Louis glanced to Harry and smiled, then turned back to Zayn.

“Definitely write him a song, though,” Harry commented before Zayn could reply to Louis. It was then that Zayn looked down, almost as if he was embarrassed.

“I've already written a bunch of songs for him,” he admitted.

“Has he heard them?” Louis asked. Zayn shook his head. Louis sighed.

“Then sing one of them for him and tell him that it is, in fact, for him, before you declare your undying love, damn it!”

Zayn smiled at that, but he still looked nervous. Louis patted his cheek gently.

“You will be fine,” he promised, “but if something does go wrong, then call one of us up and we'll go get you trashed and find some random person for you to shag.”

By some miracle, Zayn laughed again.

“Sounds good,” he said, his voice not all there. He cleared his throat. “But enough about me. Talk to me about Friday! What are you going to say?!”

The three went to Zayn's living room, where they explained to the slightly intoxicated man their plans for their 'coming out.' Even a bit drunk, Zayn listened attentively and gave great feedback. Harry hadn't re alized  how stressed he had been for that upcoming event until he felt himself relax a little bit.

***

“Do you think Zayn will follow through tonight?” Louis asked once he and Harry had reached Harry's LA home and were sprawled out on the couch with their own glasses of wine.  Harry still wasn't completely supportive of Louis drinking while in this stage of recovery, but he knew that he was going to need alcohol to get through the next few days, so he shouldn't expect Louis to do it completely sober either.

“I hope he does,” Harry said. “Hey, Lou?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, still.”

Louis was quiet. That was okay. Harry hadn't expected him to reply, and if he did, he didn't expect him to do so favorably.

“I just wanted to tell you before it's too late,” Harry said. “Since, apparently, that isn't until someone dies, I'm hoping it wouldn't be anytime soon, but I've learned to not take time for granted anymore.”

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

Louis paused, wringing his hands together a couple of times before sitting up straight and leaning over to kiss Harry's lips. Again, that was okay; More than okay, actually. It was fine if Louis couldn't say those three words yet or ever again. Neither of them may know where they stood at that point, or how anything was going to go, but for now, at least, they knew they loved each other.

***

Neither Harry nor Louis could sleep that night or even concentrate on anything, both too keyed up and nearly going crazy wondering how things went that night with Zayn and Liam. Finally, Louis sent Zayn a text to ask how it  w ent. Zayn assured him that he would call later, asking how late they would be up. Louis told him that they didn't know, but to just call whenever, knowing full well that no rest was to be had until they heard from the man that everything had gone according to plan.

Finally, at nearly one o' clock in the morning, Louis's phone rang and he answered, putting the device on speaker.

“Hey, guys,” Zayn said. He was speaking in just a little over a whisper. “Sorry, I have to be quiet. I don't want to travel too far, but Liam is sleeping.”

“Liam is...”

Louis trailed off, putting the pieces together and smiling widely before cheering loudly.

“Shh!” Zayn shushed him harshly.

“I guess it went well then,” Louis said. He was smirking, and Harry was sure Zayn could tell just by the tone of his voice.

“Yeah, well, Cynthia actually broke up with him at the mall because he accidentally called her Cruella.”

Louis cackled, Harry smiled and Zayn huffed a laugh before continuing.

“He didn't seem too upset by it, and I told him there was someone out there for him. He asked how  I knew , but I changed the subject. Then we ate dinner-I cooked for him-and after that, we went to my home studio, where I told him I wanted him to hear this song I'd written but was always too nervous to play until then. It was a song for him, obviously, and at the end I told him that, and said that I knew there was someone out there for him because I was made for him...or whatever. You know.”

Zayn cut himself off, clearly embarrassed. After clearing his throat, he said,

“Anyway, Liam told me that he loves me too.”

“Well, duh,” Harry commented. Louis laughed.

“So are you boyfriends now?”

“Yeah,” Zayn said after a brief pause. “Yeah, I think we are.”

Both men on the other end of the line could tell that he was smiling and, in turn, smiled at each other.

“I'm glad it worked out for you,” Louis said.

“Yeah. Thanks,” Zayn said. “And, for what it's worth, I hope it works out for you two as well.”

Harry didn't say so, but he thought those words were worth a whole hell of a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was either going to be Ellen or James that they were on. Hopefully no one minds my decision ;)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this wasn't posted yesterday. It took me forever to be happy with this chapter and, to be honest, I'm still unsure, but I'm going to go for it anyway. I hope you like it!

When Harry's phone rang the next morning and he saw Liam's name glowing up at him, the younger man smiled and flashed the phone to Louis quickly before answering.

“Hey, Li.”

“Harry, Harry, Harry! Guess what?”

“Um...you and Zayn are boyfriends?” Harry guessed. Louis beamed and took another bite of his cereal.

“How did you know that?” Liam asked, and Harry could just see the way his brows were pulled together in confusion.

“He told us last night, but we also knew it was going to happen as soon as you went shopping with Cruella. Zayn told us his whole romantic plan.”

Harry didn't add the fact that Louis had been the one to come up with the final plan.

“Zayn is so precious,” Liam said with a happy sigh. Harry laughed.

“Hey, do you two want to come to dinner with me, Lou, and James and his wife tonight?” he asked.

“I'll ask Zayn when he wakes up, but I'm sure he'll want to,” Liam said.

“Alright, cool. Now get off the phone and go make your man a nice breakfast in bed,” Harry told his friend.

“I already am,” Liam said, sounding offended that Harry thought he had to be told how to be a sweet boyfriend.

***

Zayn and Liam did end up going to dinner with the rest of them, and the four previous band members carpooled together. James and his wife, Julia, were already at the restaurant when they arrived, and James made a show of displaying his confusion when Zayn slid in the booth next to him; across from Liam.

“Why did you let these two imbeciles tag along?” the older man joked.

“We were feeling charitable,” Harry said with a smile. James sighed dramatically, but then turned to face Louis.

“Hello again, Louis!” he said, his voice suddenly friendly, with no hint of humor. “I'm James, which I'm sure you've figured out, and this is my wife, Julia.”

“Hello,” Louis said, just a bit shyly, smiling and nodding to the both of them. “Thanks for squeezing us in on your show, James.”

“It's my pleasure to do this interview, honestly,” James assured him. “This is what you want to do, correct?”

“Yes,” both Harry and Louis said at the same time. It was then that the waitress came to take their drink orders, and Liam had already sneaked off to the bathroom, so Zayn put in his request for him and, as she walked away, he happily hummed to himself. James and Julia were both staring.

“What?” Zayn asked once he finally noticed their gazes and turned to them. He'd stopped humming, but still had quite a big smile on his face.

“You order for each other now? That's a very couple-y thing for you to do,” James teased. He, too, had known for quite a while that the two were in love with each other, but had yet to be told that they had finally admitted it.

“Yeah, well…,” Zayn shrugged, his smile growing even wider. James took a drink of his water just to fake choke on it.

“When did this happen?!” he demanded.

“Last night.”

“Oh. Well then...”

He seemed speechless for a moment, but came back to himself quickly, putting his typical teasing edge back in his voice as he spoke again.

“Would you two like to join the other two in their coming out party then?”

“No, this is Harry and Louis's time,” Liam answered, sliding back in his seat and making Harry jump. He hadn't even heard the man approach. Zayn apparently hadn't either because he lit up at the mere presence of his boyfriend.

“I get the first interview though, right?” James continued.

“Sure, James,” Zayn said, still looking across the table. Louis made a retching sound and Harry gently slapped his knee, but not without giggling first. Their drinks came then, and after ordering food and taking a couple moments to sip on their beverages, James turned back to the two he was to be interviewing the next day.

“Is anything off limits for tomorrow?” he asked, serious again.

“Besides having to be careful to not get sued, no. We're going to lay it all out on the table, I think.”

Louis nodded. James took a deep breath, but smiled.

“I'm proud of you two, you know, but are you ready for the aftermath?”

“I think we've been through worse,” Louis said.

“Indeed, you have,” James agreed. A moment of silence passed before the comedian spoke again. “Anyway, there will be time to talk about this later. Right now, let's all relax. Drinks are on me, and I don't mean these flimsy waters and teas you all ordered. I'm only responsible for the first one, though, because I know certain people here can drink like a fish.”

“Hey, I've cut out alcohol again,” Liam said.

“I wasn't talking about you, but thank you for sharing the fact that you have a guilty conscience,” James told him. Liam and Zayn smiled at each other, because of course they did.

“Were you talking about me?” Louis asked, a sheepish grin on his face as he twirled his straw wrapper absentmindedly around his finger. James winked.

“You were quite the life of the party,” Harry told his ex-boyfriend, giving his knee another pat from under the table. Louis took that as an opportunity to intertwine their fingers, and they stayed that way until their food came.

The dinner conversations remained light-hearted from that point on and once everyone was done eating and their bills paid (James paid them all as 'you lot are unemployed now'), the group all went to Harry's. Louis had made it clear earlier that he was intent on watching their previous interviews with James, so the man had brought the recordings with him and everyone decided it would be a nice, nostalgic night to all watch them.

Louis did a fair deal of laughing and making fun of everyone (though was concerned with the fact that he and Zayn had had 'issues.') (Zayn didn't want to talk about it.) When the first interview was over, though, he turned to Harry, his face completely serious and said softly, maybe even sadly,

“We really weren't together at this time?”

“Nope,” Harry said, angry that another lump was forming in his throat. He was sure he hadn't been this emotional a few months ago. “It was about five months after we broke up.”

“We weren't even friends?”

“Well, it's not like we hated each other or anything, but no, we hadn't really talked much. We were learning to fake that everything was okay for the public, but...yeah. We were just…you know.”

Harry shrugged awkwardly, not sure where he was going with his words.

“Depressing,” Louis said, and then asked James to put on the next interview. He laughed even more during that one and the mood lightened again. Once that one was over, he rolled over to look at James, a smile on his face.

“I feel much better about our decision with all of this now,” he said.

“I promise I'll take care of you both,” James told him.

Nobody stayed much longer. It had been a nice, relaxing night, for the most part, but as the night started drawing to a close and morning grew nearer, everyone's anxiety began to rise again. After insisting that Harry and Louis try to get some sleep, no matter how hard that might be, Zayn stood and everyone else followed suit, saying their goodbyes to the two.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked Louis, who had moved from the floor to the couch in the midst of everyone's absence. Harry sat next to him.

“Yeah, I'm okay,” Louis assured the man. “Are you?”

“Yeah, I'm good.”

Yawning, Louis leaned over to rest his head on Harry's shoulder and let out a low “mmm” as he closed his eyes. In turn, the younger man rested his own head gently on top of the other's. They stayed that way for a few minutes until Louis let out another yawn.

“I'm going to bed,” he announced, shifting so that Harry would get the message to let him move. Before Louis could stand from the couch, Harry stood and swept the guy up into his arms, Louis letting out a small gasp as he grabbed tightly onto Harry's shirt.

“My bed?” Harry questioned. Smiling tiredly, Louis simply nodded. After expertly turning off his light with his elbow, Harry made his way blindly, but safely, up the stairs and to his room. He got himself undressed and then Louis before collapsing next to the older man, giving him a soft kiss on the forehead before they fell asleep, their legs intertwined.

***

Louis insisted that he wasn't nervous the next morning, but Harry knew better, as his ex lover would barely touch his breakfast. Harry would have known he was lying anyway, though, because he himself was freaking out internally. He still wanted to do the show and he knew that it would be a good thing, but he wondered how much the both of them would have to go through before experiencing the good that was to come.

***

“Hey, how are you?” Liam, the first familiar face that Louis and Harry saw upon entering the studio, asked the two as he pulled them each into a hug at the same time.

“Fine,” Harry answered while Louis just wrapped one arm tightly around Liam and the other around his ex-boyfriend.

“You're going to do great, and you'll be an inspiration to so many people,” Liam said. Harry pulled back, smiling at his friend.

“Did Zayn come too?” he asked.

“Yeah, as well as a few other people. Come on.”

Letting go of his two friends, Liam began leading the way to where his boyfriend was waiting along with Niall, Nina, Anne, Jay, Gemma and Lottie.

As soon as he saw his family in the distance, Louis gasped and ran towards them, first scooping his mom into his arms and then his sister. Harry approached slower. He was happy to see his friends and family and it meant a lot to him that they came to support them, but it was only then that he realized he still hadn't told Lottie the whole truth of what had gone on with him and her brother. What was worse, Harry had never told Louis that his sisters didn't know either.

“Hey, baby,” Anne said once Harry was finally close enough, pulling her son into a hug and placing a big kiss on the cheek.

“Hey, mum,” Harry said, accepting the kiss and bringing Gemma into the group cuddle, but keeping his eyes on his would-be (in his dreams) sister-in-law. Finally, she made eye contact and smiled, motioning with her index finger to follow her.

“Don't worry,” she said once Harry got away from his family to meet her off in the distance. Luckily, Niall was distracting Louis. “I know what today is really about.”

Harry let out a breath, both of relief and of guilt.

“I'm sorry I never told you the truth,” he said. “You were so great with everything right after Louis's accident and then when he woke up, things just got kind of chaotic. I never called to check on anyone else and I just...I only thought of Louis and myself. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” the young woman assured him with a smile. “I kind of figured it out all a while ago; soon after your break-up, but I figured it was a sensitive topic so I never brought it up. Plus there was always the shred of doubt, but I guess, deep down, I always knew. I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. It's completely ridiculous.”

She was right; it was ridiculous, and Harry could tell her that it was okay, except it wasn't. So, instead, he just gave her a smile that fell somewhat short and pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her arms right back around him, words failing her too, or maybe she just decided to hold them inside.

They hugged until the others joined them and formed one big group hug. Harry laughed because he was sure that looked pretty comical, but, really, the situation wasn't all that funny. The prickling in his eyes proved that.

Louis and Harry received more hugs along with kisses and 'good lucks' before finally going onstage.

“Okay, mates, you're going to do great. Everything will be fine, and if you need anything, just signal,” James said before hurrying out to begin introducing the show.

“You're sure about this?” Harry verified to his friend with only thirty seconds left to change their minds. Louis nodded, swallowing nervously. Harry gave his hand a quick squeeze, and they held on until they heard James call their names, signaling that it was time to join him on camera.

Ear-piercing screams, whistles and cheers greeted the two as they stepped out from backstage, and Harry kept a supportive hand on Louis's back as he led him to the couch. Louis walked forward, but looked around in child-like wonder and even amazement. Of course, Harry realized, it was basically his first interview experience.

“Hello, boys!” James greeted once the two were close enough to hear, and he pulled each of them into a hug before nodding to the couch and telling them to please have a seat. “It's so nice to have you back on the show!”

“Thank you,” both said, nodding at the same time.

“Thanks for scheduling us on short notice,” Harry added, even though Louis had said the same thing the night before.

“Yes, of course!”

There was a brief pause while the men waited for the continued cheers to settle down. Once they finally did, for the most part, the interviewer gave a smile and spoke again.

“So...where shall we even begin?”

Before either of the others could answer, the older man continued.

“Louis, how are you?”

“I'm good, James, thanks. How are you?”

“I'm well. How is recovery going?”

“Physically, I'm doing really well,” Louis said, looking right at James and ignoring the cameras. He was doing so great. Harry wanted to kiss him. Of course, he refrained from doing so. Louis continued, “My memory still hasn't returned, though.”

“How likely is it that you will get it back?” James asked.

“About fifty-fifty, I'd say,” Louis answered. “I may not ever get all of it back. Everything is unsure, but the boys, especially Harry, have been doing these memory exercises with me to try to trigger something. We haven't had any luck so far, but, technically, it's still early.”

“What kind of memory exercises?”

“We've been going to significant places in my life and they've been helping me to kind of re-live certain experiences, such as my X-Factor audition and stuff. It's interesting, even if I can't remember the actual happenings.”

“So, Louis, has Harry confused you as much as he's confused the general public?” James asked then. Louis laughed, as well as some members of the audience, while Harry grinned.

“Yeah, he has,” Louis answered, turning to smile at Harry for just a brief moment.

“Sorry,” Harry said, still smiling as well.

“So...Harry…,” James began, and then trailed off. After a bit of an awkward pause, filled with giggles from Louis and the audience, Harry prodded,

“Yes…?”

“What in the bloody hell is going on?”

There were more laughs all around, including one from Harry.

“Well,” Harry said, his heart picking up speed to the point where it almost hurt, “to begin with, Louis and I are not together as a couple.”

Harry couldn't pretend that he didn't ear some disappointed noises from the audience, and though he felt bad, he smiled, feeling good that there were people who were, after all this time, still supporting them.

“Okay…,” James said, clearly expecting Harry to go on. The two previous boy band members glanced at each other and Louis nodded, signaling for Harry to continue.

“We were together,” Harry said, his voice a few notes higher. He subtly cleared his throat while gasps were heard throughout the audience.

“Together romantically?” James verified.

“Yeah. We were boyfriends for four years.”

The place was absolutely buzzing then, and Harry knew it wasn't just a strange ringing in his ears making it sound funny. After waiting just a few moments for people to collect themselves, the interview went on.

“What happened?” James asked. His nonchalant show-face was still in place, but Harry could see the worry and even pity behind it. Louis started studying his fingers so the younger man spoke again, praying that he could make it through without starting to cry.

“We were told, at the beginning of it all, that being in the closet would be best for our career and maybe it was, I don't know, but, emotionally, it took its toll on us. We had to change a lot of things about ourselves, especially Lou, and it felt like half of our entire identities had been erased. We were separated for press reasons a lot and it was just...It was just so hard. We thought we could make it but…,”

Harry stopped there, knowing his voice would break with one more word. Louis quickly picked up where he left off.

“I got depressed,” he said, and there was more buzzing from the audience; a sadder type of energy being emitted that time. Harry was sure he could hear some sniffles, and James's show-face was slowly melting off. Of course, he could feel their pain better than most, as he had been friends with the boys through it all and knew exactly how hard it really was.

“I don't remember to what extent my depression was, obviously,” Louis continued. “I do know I was on medication, but it didn’t seem to be working. I wasn't myself anymore. We...well...I...just couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't strong enough.”

“It has nothing to do with strength, Louis,” Harry said quietly, but he thought the mic still picked up on it.

“When did the break-up occur?” James asked, like he didn't know.

“Right after our album _Four_ came out,” Harry said. “We wanted to stay friends afterward, but we could barely talk to each other because it just hurt.”

“Yeah,” James said, seeming otherwise speechless for a little while, but recovering quickly. “It's strange, though, because that was around the time that fans thought things were getting better between you two.”

“Yeah,” Harry said, laughing humorlessly. “I guess we weren't so worried about people wondering about something going on with us since nothing was. If we wanted to say something  to each other , we would. In public, it was a little easier because we'd had to pretend we weren't together anyway. It was in private, when the change felt so heavy, that was really hard.”

James nodded.

“Changing the subject slightly, boys, what was all that about some bloke in a club?”

James's tone was lighter. A little bit of weight was lifted from Harry's chest as he and a few others gave small laughs.

“It's true, I did tell the guy that Louis and I were together. I couldn't help it. It was so soon after Louis's recovery, so I was worried and, I admit, a bit jealous, when I knew someone wanted him and I lied. Sorry, guy.”

Several 'awws' sounded throughout the studio as well as more genuine laughs than had been heard in a while. Smiling, James turned to Louis.

“Louis, how do you feel about Harry blocking your game?” he asked. Louis didn't reply and Harry turned to look at him. He was startled when he saw Louis staring straight ahead, looking as if he might throw up. James and Harry glanced to each other very briefly before turning their attention back to their friend.

“Louis?” Harry asked.  He thought the audience was starting to notice that something was up, too, but he didn't really pay that much attention, keeping his full focus on the guy sitting next to him.

Slowly, like he was coming out of a trance, Louis turned his head towards Harry and blinked once. The two looked into each other's eyes for some amount of time, Louis's expression unreadable, until the older singer announced quietly that he would be right back and hurried off.

Harry saw all of their friends and family frowning in concern from their spots off stage as they watched Louis approach. Louis ignored them all except his mother, whose arm he took as he lead her away. Zayn and Liam glanced back towards Harry, who forced his eyes back to James.  The interviewer  gave a slight laugh, trying to ease the mood. 

“I told that guy not to drink so much water before coming on,” he joked. Belatedly, Harry forced a small smile. He barely even heard James, he was so worried about what could possibly be wrong with Louis now. 

“Anyway, Harry, what is the next step with things? Can you and Louis be really considered friends again?”  James  continued.

“Yeah,” Harry said, and cleared his throat to try to hide the anxiety in his tone. “We're friends. Things are a little complicated right now for various reasons, but we're good. Really good.”

Luckily, it was then time to cut to a commercial break and even as James was still announcing that they would return, Harry ran off backstage.

“Is he okay?” he asked the group, who were all looking just as concerned as he felt.

“I don't know. He just came and dragged mum away,” Lottie said. Harry looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of either Louis or Jay, and he was in luck, as the two were just approaching from around a corner in the distance. Harry ran to them.

“Lou!” Harry called, growing even more nervous at Jay's blank expression. “Lou, are you okay?”

The two stopped just a couple feet in front of each other as Jay went on. Harry gripped Louis's shoulder's tightly, for the man still looked a little as if he might be sick or faint.

Instead of verbally replying, Louis simply nodded in response to Harry's question.

“Are you sure?” the younger man asked. Louis nodded again.

“Yeah,” he said after swallowing a couple of times. “I….Well...I remembered something.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliff hanger! ;)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To avoid any confusion, I am going to tell you right now that this chapter is from Louis's point of view. This isn't going to be a thing that happens regularly, and it will probably actually be the only time, but it felt right for this chapter. :)

The memory, if that was what it could be called, didn't play out like a movie. Well, maybe it was similar to the part at the end of a psychological thriller where the important moments of the film replayed and finally helped everything to click together.

For Louis, the problem was that nothing was really 'together' still.

Recovering the bit of his memory was strange. First, he saw an image in his head; a visual of a younger Harry. Next, he got an image of a studio, similar to the one they were currently in, but not the same. He wasn't sure at first if they were connected. He wasn't sure why they were in his head anyway. Were they even real?

Trying to concentrate again on the interview and not whatever was going on inside his brain, Louis blinked his eyes out of their glazed state and looked at James.

_“_ _What is she doing here?”_

Louis almost physically jolted, looking quickly and subtly to Harry, who he thought had said the words, except Harry was busy saying something else and Louis realized then that the words, like the images, were only in his head. 

_I'm going nuts_ , Louis thought, his heart starting to race a little.  Surely, even if he were to recover a memory, it wouldn't happen like this. Wouldn't it just…be there? It didn't need to make a grand entrance. 

Shaking his head slightly, hoping it wasn't obvious to anyone else, he forced his attention to the current happenings yet again.

“...Boys, what was all that about some bloke in a club?”

A few laughs sounded throughout the audience and Louis was confused for a moment before figuring out that James was talking about the guy Harry had told that he and Louis were together. That seemed like forever ago now, but Louis realized then that that event was kind of what started all of this.

“It's true, I did tell the guy that Louis and I were together,” Harry said. “I couldn't help it. It was so soon after Louis's recovery, so I was worried and, I admit,  a bit jealous, when I knew someone wanted him and I lied. Sorry, guy.”

Reality was clouded again when another image swirled into Louis's head. It was a girl this time, and Louis thought that it was that Eleanor girl he had been pretending to date. It took a moment for Louis to realize that all of the images were connected; Harry and Eleanor were both in the studio and Louis was there too. Of course he was because he couldn't remember it if he wasn't, could he?

_Was this really a memory?_

Alarming him, Louis realized that the younger Harry in his head was crying.

_“What is she doing here?”_

“Louis?”

Present-day Harry broke Louis from his trance-like state and, slowly, Louis was able to focus his eyes on his ex-lover sitting next to him. He had no idea what they had been talking about, though, or even how much time had passed since the topic of the guy in the club and, honestly, Louis wasn't able to concentrate enough to allow the two to catch him up, so he excused himself and hurried backstage quickly, a strange buzzing in his ears. 

The first person he saw as he headed backstage (the walk seemed so long now) was his mother and he hadn't even realized it, but she was the only one he wanted at the moment, so he wordlessly took her arm and pulled her gently away from the rest of the group, who he knew were all standing there too, but looked fuzzy; almost unreal.

“Louis?!” Jay asked, her worry obvious, as she allowed her son to pull her away. “Are you alright?!”

“I think I'm remembering something,” Louis explained, stopping around the corner and away from any listening ears.

“What?” Jay asked, like she hadn't heard him, but then her tone changed to one of surprise. “What is it? And are you alright?”

Louis was unable to answer as more images filled his head; the other boys in the band trying to calm Harry down while tears continued to pour down his cheeks, and  _why was Harry crying?_

“Louis!”

“What?” 

His voice, he knew, sounded slurred despite the fact that he was completely sober.

“You're worrying me,” Jay said. “It looks like you're about to be sick. Do you need to sit down? I'll get you some water.”

_“We were supposed to have a date night after this!”_

_“I know, Haz.”_

_“I hate this so much. Damn it, why are things like this?!”_

Louis wasn't sure if he'd said anything else to Harry, but he knew, at some point, the guy walked away. Or he thought he knew, at least, but Louis still wasn't quite sure if this was a true memory or if he was losing his mind.

No, it had to be real, because he could hear and even  _ feel  _ himself calling out Harry's name as the man walked away. 

_ “ _ _ Leave me alone,”  _ Louis thought Harry had said at some point.  _ “Go and spend time with your girlfriend!” _

With a sharp intake of breath, Louis physically shook himself again.  H is mother was holding him tightly by the shoulders, her whole face wrinkled in concern. Louis wanted to tell her that he was okay, but his chest hurt. Out of all the memories he could have gotten back, he thought the way Harry looked when he cried was the last he wanted.

“Louis William Tomlinson, if you don't say something to me right now, I'm calling an ambulance. Are you having some sort of fit?”

“No, mum, I'm okay,” Louis said, finally. “I have to get back to Harry.”

Pulling away from the woman's tight hold, Louis ventured back the way he came. Jay called his name yet again as he walked, but he ignored her, his mind only set on one thing right then-one person. 

Louis's chest hurt more when he rounded the corner to see Harry hurrying towards him, his face worried as well. Harry was always worrying about Louis. Louis wondered if he'd always been so selfish that he only worried about himself too. 

“Lou! Lou, are you okay?!”

The two stopped just feet from each other, close enough so that Harry could grab onto Louis's shoulders, similar to how his mother had. Louis wanted to assure Harry that he was fine, but, for some reason, his vocal cords seemed to not want to work, so he nodded.

“Are you sure?” Harry pressed. Louis swallowed a few times, trying to subtly clear his throat before daring  to  try to speak.

“Yeah,” he answered, and when he was assured that his voice was normal, continued. “I...Well...I remembered something.”

Harry's eyes widened. His eyes were so pretty…

“Really?” the younger man spoke, sounding curious, but hesitant at the same time.

“Yeah.”

“What is it?” Harry asked.

“I'm not sure.”

The man's forehead wrinkled up more as his eyebrows pulled together, showing his confusion. Louis couldn't blame him, of course, because he was pretty damn confused too. He did feel a bit sick then, with guilt and other emotions which he couldn't even concentrate on placing right then. He just wanted to pull Harry against him and tell him that it was okay, whatever 'it' was. 

“How long do we have until we go back on?” Louis asked, and with perfect timing, James called his name and Louis looked around Harry to see the older man walking towards them briskly.

“Hey, mate, are you alright?”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you sick? Do we need to end the show?”

“No, James, I'm really fine. I'm not sick. How are the fans?”

“How are the...”

James trailed off and shook his head.

“The fans are worried and concerned, of course, but, Louis, are  _ you _ really okay?”

“I'm fine, I promise.”

“Are you up to go back on in about three minutes?”

“Yeah, I'll be out there.”

James nodded and, after giving his friend a brief once-over, the interviewer clapped Louis on the shoulder and headed off somewhere else.

“Louis?”

Harry had spoken again, and Louis looked towards his wonderful and beautiful face.

“I'm okay,” Louis assured the guy with a smile. “We'll talk later, okay? How are you holding up, by the way?”

“ I'm good.”

Louis studied Harry's face, trying to read if that was the truth or not. Harry liked to pretend nothing was wrong so as not to make things worse for Louis. 

_ Wait, how did Louis know that? _

Shrugging it off, Louis guessed that it was simply a theory based on how Harry had acted around him recently (even if he really didn't think that was it at all.)

Movement from behind Harry drew Louis's attention and he looked to see Liam approaching the two slowly and unsure, his face twisted in concern as well. 

“I'm fine,” Louis called out to him. Then, to Harry, “I'm going for a quick wee before we go back on though.”

“And you promise you're okay?” the younger man insisted. Louis gave him a smile.

“Promise.”

Louis got out of the bathroom just in time and, though he and Harry walked out before the cameras started rolling again, they were met with more cheers and screams. Louis was pretty sure he even heard his name. He laughed to himself a little. This fame thing was so weird, even if Louis couldn't remember life before it.

“Welcome back,” James greeted both the audience and the boys once they were back on the air. “Louis, are you alright?”

He was asking for the fans then, Louis knew, but he could still see concern on the man's face.

“I'm good,” Louis assured everyone. Harry rested his hand on Louis's knee and Louis wasn’t sure if he meant to do it or  even  if he knew that he had because he was staring at James, seeming a bit absent himself. Louis looked away from Harry's face and focused again on his hands. They were nice hands. Strong, but gentle. Clean and pretty, but manly…

_ “Is Harry good with his hands?” _

_ “Really good.” _

Louis  couldn't stop his body from jolting that time , and both James and Harry's heads snapped to him, their eyes widening.

“You're not going to retch all over my sofa, are you?” James asked.

“No,” Louis assured the man with a laugh.

“Alright...anyway...Where were we?”

“Harry's jealousy in the club?” Louis guessed. That was the last thing he remembered anyway and he sincerely hoped he hadn't been checked out from their previous conversation that long.

At the reminder, a few giggles made their way around the audience, and James smiled, but said,

“Let's move on from that topic, shall we?”

The crowd gave a few sad 'awws' and the former couple laughed at that. 

Covering his microphone, Louis scooted closer to the middle of his friends, wh o , in turn, leaned forward as well.

“If you don't have anything else formally planned, what about doing some audience questions?” Louis asked. The two others straightened, looking shocked at the suggestion.

“Do you really want to do that?” the older man asked hesitantly.

“If Harry does.”

Harry moved his jaw back and forth, silently debating, before he said,

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay,” James said quietly and then, looking to the audience. “ In lieu of this complex topic, Louis and Harry are now going to be taking questions from the audience.”

The crowd again started buzzing and James gave them a few minutes before kindly shushing them.

“Now we won't have time to get to everyone, so stay in your seat and a couple of assistants will be around selecting random individuals to  speak .”

Immediately, a couple of show employees grabbed microphones and went off to separate sides of the studio while someone else hurried to Louis and Harry and helped them get in a better position for the question and answer.

Of course, Harry answered most of the questions, Louis mainly only speaking to thank the fans for telling him how happy they  were  that he was doing better. The older singer paid close attention, though, wanting to know the answer to the questions as much as the fans did. Even though everyone had done a good job after his accident of filling in the blankness of his past, there were many things that were overlooked or just not covered fully. Louis didn't blame them for the still missing chunks, though. He thought that the situation might be harder for all of them than it was for him sometimes, in a way, and they couldn't be held responsible for the areas they had somewhat forgotten themselves.

The first fan asked about the girlfriends each had had. Harry explained that they were, in fact, 'beards.' He spoke highly of all of the women and made sure everyone knew it was a mutually agreed upon situation (even if that wasn't exactly true, it hadn't been the girls  who  force d it upon the boys) and Louis realized, not for the first time, just how amazing Harry really was. 

The second fan wondered how much control the boys had had over their social media accounts. Harry then explained that, while they did sometimes get on themselves, many posts were not from them, 'especially the one you're  probably  thinking of,' he had said. Louis made a note to ask about that later.

Another fan wanted to know what their anniversary date would be and both Harry and Louis were smiling as Harry answered that one. 

“So who controlled Rainbow Bondage Bear?” one fan questioned, to which many people laughed, including Louis.

“What's that?!” he asked, smiling, and Harry returned his grin.

“Sorry, did we forget to tell you about that?”

“I'm thinking so, yeah.”

“Someone th rew this teddy bear up onstage; it was rainbow, and later we decided to make it a Twitter account and have it do all these stereotypically  ' gay ' things. The account got shut down pretty quickly, but we, along with the rest of the boys, later  made a new one and started putting it out onstage after our break-up when things changed a bit. I'll have to show you the posts, Lou, but  it was our own sneaky way of communicating that certain people had been right about us.”

“We did that even after we broke up?”

Harry kept smiling, though it took on a sadder appearance then.

“We still had to hide who we were and we still hated it. The whole thing was too difficult to explain through toy bears, so we took the route we thought would be easiest. I don't know, we weren't exactly sober when it happened  the first time , but the crew thought it was so hilarious and soon everyone was coming up with new things to do with the bears.”

“Plural?”

“There is also Sugar Baby Bear, who appeared later. That was yours.”

Louis cracked up then, to the point where he nearly cried. He was still so confused, but it was all so ridiculous that he just couldn't help it.

“Where are the bears now?” Louis asked.

“At my place in London, packed away in a sacred box in the attic.”

“I demand a reunion once we get home.”

“That can be arranged.”

The questions ended after that, with James insisting they leave it on a high note. Louis and Harry promised to do another question and answer soon  and thanked everyone for their support before being ushered off of the  set. Their family and friends swarmed around them immediately, giving them hugs and kisses and telling them how great they did and how proud they were. Louis was aware all of that was happening, but he barely felt present. 

Eventually, everyone calmed down and backed off and it was then that Harry pulled Louis into a hug of his own.

“We did it,” he said, his nose nuzzled in the smaller man's hair. “It's done. We did it.”

***

Niall and Nina were planning to stay with Liam during their stay and of course Harry and Louis wouldn't leave their famil ies to stay in hotels when Harry had a home with multiple bedrooms, so the two groups parted ways after Harry and Louis had, again, thanked James and the rest of his crew and promised to get in touch soon. 

“Are you both sure you're alright?” Anne asked upon reaching her son's home. “Is there anything you need to talk about? Anything at all?”

“I'm fine, mum,” Harry assured the woman.

“I'm good too, Anne, thanks,” Louis said. There  _ was _ something he needed to talk about, but only to Harry.

Luckily, Jay,  Gemma,  Anne and Lottie soon got the point that Louis and Harry just needed to wind down for a bit and they went to watch a movie in Harry's den at the back of the house while Louis and Harry sat on the living room couch. Louis wasn't sure about the other, but the exhaustion was getting to him and his head was starting to ache again.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Harry asked when Louis began rubbing his hand across his forehead, trying to relieve a bit of the pressure. Louis wondered how the other always seemed to read his mind. He wondered if Harry just knew him that well, and also if Louis had been able to do the same with him before his mind had forgotten him.

In response to Harry's question, Louis nodded.

“It's kind of difficult to explain and I'm still so confused, but I got, like, these pictures in my head, I guess. You were there,  a  younger  version , and a girl was there. I think it was Eleanor. We were at a television studio, I think and you were crying. I think you were upset that she was there.”

“Oh,” Harry said, looking a bit crestfallen. Louis bit his lip. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. He didn't want to upset Harry. He wanted only happiness for the other man.

“Yeah,” the younger guy continued. “There was one time where we were doing an interview, and it was close to our two year anniversary, so we were going to actually go out and celebrate that night. There was a restaurant in town that we visited where everyone knew about us but it was like this unspoken thing and no one treated us differently. Anyway, I think our management team knew that and they set up an outing for you and her later because they were still paranoid that we would be spotted by the wrong people and that they would think...Well...they would think the truth.”

Harry sighed and Louis felt himself choking up. He looked so pained reminiscing on the event.

“Did I realize how much all of that hurt you?” Louis asked. Harry frowned.

“What do you mean exactly?”

“We broke up because of how hard it all was for  _ me _ , but it was hard for you too and you never ended us because of it.  Did I realize that?”

Harry didn't answer for a moment, but took Louis's hand in his own and pressed a gentle kiss to the skin.

“We knew each other's pain,” he spoke then. “I think that was why we could never fully get over our own.”

Louis chewed on his lip, unsure of what to say. Self-hatred started bubbling up inside because, despite what Harry said, Louis thought it was him and his problems that had brought his then-boyfriend down.

“Hey, you're not blaming yourself are you?” Harry asked, and there he went again with that mind reading crap. 

“I don't know,” Louis sighed, collapsing against the other man. Harry wrapped his arms around him tightly and rested his chin on the top of Louis's head.

“Please don't, Louis,” he said. 

“How are you feeling right now?” Louis asked.

“About what?”

“Everything.”

“Well...I'm nervous about the aftermath of what we just admitted to the world, but I'm super excited about it at the same time. I'm still sad about how all of this had to be, but, mainly, I'm just happy that you and I get another chance to be in each others ' lives, even if we're just friends or whatever. And, honestly, I'm so grateful that you're here at all, Lou. I still think about that night all the time and what I could have done differently, but I know that the most important thing is that you're here now and safe, even if not undamaged.”

“We're all damaged.”

“You know what I mean.”

Louis did, but instead of admitting so out loud, he buried his head deeper into Harry's chest.

“Your heart is beating really fast,” Harry comment ed , able to feel its beat against his body. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

And he was,  for the time being,  despite everything. He felt safe with Harry. He felt  _ whole _ with Harry, even though he was basically missing a majority of his own life. He loved Harry. Somehow, he'd known the whole time that he'd loved Harry, even when he first woke up in the ICU and had no idea who he was. 

Louis wanted to tell Harry all of this, but he was afraid. He didn't want to hurt Harry again. Sure, it could all turn out differently now that they were out of the closet and didn't have to hide. Externally, he knew things would change a lot and probably, soon, for the better, but inside, Louis still felt twisted and empty and sad, and he didn't want Harry to try to fix him again while Louis had no idea where to begin fixing Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one minded the change of POVs for one part!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Harry's P.O.V.!!!
> 
> Also, sorry this is late again. The goal was to post it early. At least I kept hope.

The public reactions were mostly positive, according to Harry and Louis's families. Personally, they didn't want to look themselves quite yet, but they were told that the fans who didn't think they were together beforehand were pretty angry, but not at the boys. Those who had believed the two to still be in a relationship were heartbroken, but glad that they were finally able to come out and wished them both the best.

“What about the negative reactions?” Louis had asked.

“Don't you worry about the negative,” Jay told her son.

“I need to know.”

“Focusing on the negative is what put you two here in the first place,” the woman said. Louis fell silent then and his mother sighed.

“I'm sorry, baby,” she said, bringing her oldest child into a tight hug. He let her and, after only a brief hesitation, he hugged her back.

***

Knowing it would be best to stay indoors for a while still, the families ordered take-out for dinner. Louis had insisted he didn't want anything and that familiar knot of worry twisted up in Harry's stomach again.

“Are you feeling okay?” Harry asked right away, and didn't like how much he was reminded of the past.

“Stop worrying about me, Harry!” Louis snapped, quite harshly. The younger man took a few deep breaths before speaking again, determined not to get defensive and snap right back. Louis didn't mean to be that way; he was just stressed and overwhelmed. Both of them were stressed and overwhelmed, of course, but especially Louis.

“I'm going to worry,” Harry spoke once he trusted himself to do so calmly. “It's what you do when you love someone.”

The two were, once again, in the living room by themselves, and Louis shocked Harry then by beginning to cry. Covering his face, Louis let himself fall forward, resting his head in Harry's lap. Harry took that as an opportunity to play with the back of his hair. Louis didn't protest.

“What's wrong, Lou?” Harry asked.

“I don't know.”

“You can tell me.”

“I know that, but I really don't know.”

That worried Harry more, but he didn't say so. Instead, he said,

“How about I get the large Lo Mein and you can eat some of it if you feel better later?”

Sighing, Louis rolled his body over so that his head was still in Harry's lap, but so he was looking up at him. The tears had already stopped coming from his eyes. His cheeks were only slightly wet, and a small smile touched his lips as he reached up to trace Harry's jawline with his index finger.

“You're pretty perfect, you know that?”

Harry snorted.

“You clearly haven't recovered all of your memories yet,” he joked, playing with the tips of Louis's hair instead.

“I don't think doing so would change my mind.”

Harry almost kissed Louis. If things were like they had been not too long ago, he would have, but he quickly decided that right then wasn't the time.

“I have to order the food,” he reminded both Louis and himself, and he somehow managed to slide his phone from his back pocket without once making Louis move from his position.

***

“Is this Harry's house?”

Everyone gathered in the kitchen-so everyone who was present in the house besides Anne, who had answered the door-rolled their eyes at the delivery boy's question.

“No,” Anne answered.

“Really?” the boy asked after a brief pause.

“Really. Here is your tip,” Anne said and a few moments later, she thanked the kid and closed the door.

“Thanks, mum,” Harry said as the woman entered the room.

“Of course. Now, who got what again?”

Harry made sure to take an extra plate and glass to the dining room in case Louis decided that he wanted food. He doubted that would happen, as it typically took Louis at least a day to recover when he lost his appetite like this, but Louis surprised him by saying he would try some now, if Harry was sure he wasn't going to eat all of it.

“If I ate all of this, I think we would have a problem,” Harry said lightly, putting a fair amount of food on the other's plate. He knew he probably wouldn't eat all of it, but he would rather him waste some than not have enough.

“I could do it,” Gemma commented.

“You have problems,” Harry informed her, though he was sure she knew it.

Like the mature bride-to-be that she was, she threw a fortune cookie at him.

Dinner was quiet. It wasn't necessarily an uncomfortable silence, but the tension was still heavy. Harry wanted to crack a joke, whether it be a good one or not, but he thought his attempt at humor falling flat would only make the emotion thicker.

After not too much time at all, Louis let out a sigh from his spot next to Harry, causing all attention to be diverted to him. Glancing at his plate, Harry wasn't sure he'd even taken two bites.

For a moment, it looked like the older man wanted to say something, but after fish-mouthing, he gave up and simply left the room, ignoring his mother saying his name. Sighing as well, Jay placed her napkin on the table and began to stand, but Lottie reached out and touched her hand gently.

“I'll go,” she offered, and slid out of her chair before her offer could be accepted or rejected.

“Do you…,” Harry started, and then trailed off, chewing on his lip as he laid his own fork down onto his plate.

“Do we think what?” Gemma prodded.

“Do you think Louis regrets coming out today?”

“No,” Jay said without even having to think about it. “I think he's just overwhelmed.”

“Do you think he's remembering more?” Anne spoke, seemingly to no one in particular.

“I hope so,” Jay said.

“I hope it's a happier memory this time if so,” Harry interjected.

“He told you what the memory was?” Jay asked, her expression nothing short of surprised.

“Yeah,” Harry said, unsure how to take her reaction.

“He didn't want to tell me,” Jay explained. “He didn't have time because he wanted to find you...I suppose that was to tell you what he remembered.”

“Well, it was one of...um…our memories.”

“And not a good one?” Louis's mother asked. She looked sad at the thought of her kid finally recovering a hidden memory, only for it to be one of pain.

“It was one of our stupid fights over Eleanor and how much time he had to spend with her,” Harry said, holding back a sigh himself. The whole thing was even more pathetic looking back on it all these years later.

“Of all things,” Anne said, her face one of sympathy.

“It must have been triggered, but yeah, it's weird,” Harry said.

“Poor kid,” his mother said. Harry nodded, picking up his fork again only to poke at his noodles. He felt all eyes in the room trained on him, but luckily Lottie soon re-entered, pulling their attention away.

“He's okay,” she answered the group's unspoken question. “He just has a migraine.”

Harry didn't say so out loud, but he didn't consider having a migraine as being 'okay,' so he excused himself and, after retrieving a can of Sprite from his refrigerator, went upstairs, where he found Louis laying in his bed, his back facing the doorway and his arms wrapped around the pillow he had his head buried into.

“Lou?” Harry called out softly. He didn't think Louis would be asleep yet, but he couldn't be sure. Either way, he didn't want to make the man's head hurt worse.

Sitting up slightly, just enough to look over his shoulder, Louis blinked until his eyes focused upon Harry in the dark.

“Hey,” he said. “Sorry, I hope you don't care that I crashed on your bed.”

“Why would I?” Harry asked rhetorically and went to sit by Louis's feet. Louis rolled over on his back.

“Do you want a drink?” Harry offered, holding up the can of soda.

“Thanks,” Louis said, sitting up slowly and starting to sip on the drink, which Harry had opened for him.

“You're welcome.”

Harry let a beat pass before asking,

“Do you think you're getting another memory back?”

“I don't know.”

A few more beats passed; the only noise Louis sipping his drink.

“Can I tell you how that other memory should have ended?” Harry asked. He wasn't sure if that was still what was bothering Louis, but he had a feeling that it wasn't helping matters.

“Is it happy?” Louis asked hesitantly.

“Yes.”

“Okay. Then please do.”

  


_Finally, Harry was all cried out. He wished he could just fall asleep now so that his head and his chest could maybe stop aching, but_ _the hotel room's_ _bedside clock read just after six and, without Louis there, Harry knew sleep was a long way away._

_He and Louis should be headed to dinner right now. Maybe they would have already arrived and would be at their_ _seats_ _, sipping their drinks and holding hands across the table._

_But Louis was with_ _**her** _ _. _

_ Harry felt and heard his stomach growl, but he refused to get up yet. Fixing himself something to eat would mean that he accepted Louis was gone for the night, and, even if he wasn't crying anymore, Harry hadn't accepted that at all. He was being stupid, he knew, but he couldn't help it. He really, honestly, couldn't.  _

_ From the pillow next to him, where Louis should be laying that night but, depending on how things went, might not be, Harry's phone started ringing.  _ _ He _ _ knew  _ _ from the tone _ _ that it was Niall trying to reach him and he was tempted to let it go to voice mail, but answered last second. _

_ “Hey, Harry!” Niall greeted cheerfully, ignoring the fact that Harry's voice had been a mere croak. “You up for coming to dinner with me and the other two dorks?” _

_ Harry knew that he couldn't answer a simple 'no' to that question, so he gave a convenient lie. _

_ “I'm not hungry.” _

_ “You can get a drink or something then. It will make time  _ _ g _ _ o faster and then you'll be seeing Louis again before you know it!” _

_ “ _ _ Louis should be here now.” _

_ “I know,” Niall said sympathetically, but then, picking up his tone again, “but he isn't, so you're coming to dinner with us!” _

_ Before Harry could respond, t _ _ here was a loud knock on the door _ _. _

_ “Niall?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “Are you at the door?” _

_ “I don't know! Why don't you answer it and find out?” _

_ Harry groaned loudly, because Niall at least deserved that much, but he obediently threw himself from the bed and shuffled  _ _ over t _ _ o  _ _ open _ _ the door. Unsurprisingly, Niall, Liam and Zayn were all o _ _ n the other side _ _ and they waved cheerfully as the door began to open, but stopped when they saw Harry's red, puffy eyes, tear-stained face and disheveled hair; messed up from being pulled in frustration. _

_ “Aw, Harry,” Niall said, pulling his friend into a hug. “It's really okay, mate. You and Louis can celebrate on another day soon.” _

_ “I know.” _

_ And Harry did know, but that didn't make him feel any better. _

_ “Good,” Niall said simply. “Now go  _ _ wash your face and _ _ get dressed into something nice.” _

  


_ Harry stayed pretty quiet on the way to the restaurant, only speaking when it was absolutely necessary. When they pulled up to the place they were eating at, tears pricked at his eyes again. _

_ “Really, guys?” he asked, gazing at the building where he should be in eating with Louis at that very moment. _

_ “Sorry,” Liam said, not sounding very sorry. “They have good food.” _

_ Harry wondered if the band, apart from Louis, actually secretly hated him. _

_ “Hello!”  _ _ t _ _ he host greeted when the four boys entered the restaurant. “How many?” _

_ “Three for us,” Niall said, pointing to himself, and then Liam and Zayn. Then he nodded to Harry. “That one is with someone who is here already.” _

_ “What?” Harry asked, but was either unheard or ignored as the host asked for the name of Harry's party. Niall answered. _

_ “Tomlinson.” _

_ “What?!” Harry asked again, louder. His three friends were beaming. Harry's heart was racing.  _

_**This can't actually be happening** _ _ , he told himself. _

_ “Have fun!” Zayn called as the host led Harry away, and the youngest band member could hear Liam and Niall laughing.  _

_ The restaurant was fairly large, but it still seemed to take an unnecessarily long time to reach the table that was, apparently, reserved for Harry, and where Louis was already sitting. _

_ Unable to control himself, Harry burst into tears the moment he saw his boyfriend. _

_ “Hey,” Louis said gently, standing and wrapping his arms around Harry's middle once he was next to the table. “Why are you crying?”  _

_ “Sorry,” Harry said. _

_ “It's okay,” Louis said and then, “I'm sorry we fought earlier, Haz.” _

_ “It was my fault,” Harry  _ _ admitted  _ _ as Louis pulled away, but he kept his hands on Harry's waist. “I know you can't help that our plans got changed, and how did you get out of that?” _

_ “ _ _ Eleanor suddenly came down with something. She almost threw up at the table in the restaurant. Not really, of course, but we were unobserved for a moment so they have no way of knowing that didn't actually happen.” _

_ “She did that for us?” _

_ Louis shrugged and the two took their seats as the host led someone else to a table nearby. _

_ “I think she knew I wasn't going to be very fun company tonight when I just wanted to spend it with my baby.” _

_ Louis and Harry got to spend the whole night together too. They took their time at dinner, eating appetizers, then a main course, and then splitting a dessert. As they were in the states, neither were of legal drinking age quite yet, but James met up with them simply to buy them a bottle of champagne, and then the two went back to the hotel, where they sat in bed, barely clothed, and watched sappy love movies while working on the bottle of alcohol.  _

_ “Okay, toast time,” Louis said once the credits of the first movie started rolling. Smiling-Harry was a bit tipsy, but mostly, he was just bubbly from the amazing night he and his boyfriend had had-the younger boy took his empty glass from the night stand and poured himself a bit more. _

_ “Are you making the toast, my love?” Harry asked. It was Louis's turn to smile, not that Harry had stopped. _

_ “To us, obviously,” he said. _

_ “Obviously,” Harry said with a slight nod. _

_ “Two years, Harry,” Louis said, like he was in awe of the fact.  _

_ “Two years,” Harry agreed, not mentioning that it had been the best two years he'd experienced so far. After clinking their glasses together and taking a sip, Louis spoke again, quieter, but with the same awe-struck tone to his voice. _

_ “Two years going on always.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a tiny bit shorter, but after all of the angst, I wanted to end this chapter on a high note :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can blame my daughter for this one not being posted yesterday. Apparently, a flash drive that is plugged into my laptop is still considered fair game for 'finders keepers.'

Harry fell asleep next to Louis that night but woke up to an empty bed. He wasn't too worried about it, though. Sure, it was a little lonely, but that had been his life for the past three-going-on-four years, and Louis was at least nearby, which was more than he had been able to say before.

After getting a quick shower and throwing on some sweats, knowing he probably wasn't going to be leaving the house anyway, Harry made his way downstairs and followed the smell of coffee into the kitchen, where Jay and Anne were sitting and chatting.

“Good morning!” the mothers said, nearly simultaneously.

“Morning,” Harry greeted back as he went to pour himself a cup of caffeine. “Where is everyone?”

“The girls and Louis are in the back with Niall, Nina, Liam and Zayn,” Jay answered. “They're practicing football.”

Harry smiled, pride and happiness warming inside of him.

“Lou is playing football again?” he verified.

“He's trying.”

“I'm going to join,” Harry said, and gave his mother a peck on the cheek before making his way to the backyard, where the football posts he'd set up for Louis long ago still stood.

“Hey, Harry!” Lottie and Nina said as Gemma greeted her brother good morning. Harry said hello to all of them and sat by his sister. The boys had yet to notice his presence.

“How is Louis doing?” he asked.

“He's getting better,” Gemma said. “It's hard for him to balance while he kicks still, but he's improved a lot in just under an hour.”

Looking out at his former boyfriend, Harry saw that dirt covered much of his clothes and skin, hinting that he may have fallen a few times. Harry hoped he was making sure to keep his head safe.

“Shouldn't he be wearing a helmet?” he asked, and he was serious, but Lottie laughed loudly while Gemma pressed her lips together in a smile.

“Can you see Louis doing that?” Lottie asked. Harry was smiling too, but shrugged.

“I mean, it sounds like a good idea to me.”

Lottie's laughter had caught the attention of the boys and Liam yelled out his hello while Zayn and Niall gave friendly smiles and waves. Louis tried to take advantage of their distraction and get a sneaky kick in, but his foot was barely off the ground before he lost his balance and fell.

“Fuck!” he yelled, quite loudly. Setting his cup down, Harry hurried to the field and stood above Louis.

“Need help?” he asked, offering a hand. Louis took it and Harry gently pulled him to his feet.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked.

“Yeah,” Louis said. “I just don't understand why I have the balance of a toddler.”

“You had a traumatic brain injury,” Harry reminded him. “This just takes practice, like your walk did. Look how quickly you got better at that though. You'll get there, Lou.”

Louis sighed.

“You're doing great,” Niall added.

“Water break?” Louis asked. The rest agreed and they walked over to the girls to retrieve a few water bottles from the nearby cooler.

“Good job, bro!” Lottie complimented with a smile when Louis approached.

“Don't patronize me,” Louis said flatly.

“I'm not,” Lottie said. She looked offended that Louis would think that of her.

“So when are you lot heading back to London?” Liam changed the subject.

“I don't know. We haven't planned that far yet,” Louis said.

“We can go back whenever you want,” Harry said.

“I'd say to give it a couple days,” Louis told him. “I want to stay locked in seclusion for a little bit.”

“I understand why you feel that way,” Zayn spoke, “but everyone really has been so supportive.”

“Everyone?” Louis asked, looking down his nose at Zayn like he already knew the real answer.

“Well, most people.”

“How are you doing, Harry?” Liam asked.

“Oh, I'm fine,” Harry said. All eyes trained themselves on him. He continued.

“I know not all reactions will be great, but I feel good that everyone knows who I really am now, for the most part.”

Looking at Louis, Harry said,

“We did the right thing,”

“I know,” Louis said. He looked sincere, and Harry was relieved.

“So, boys, when are you two coming out?” Louis asked teasingly, leaning on Liam and looking at Zayn.

“Soon,” Zayn said. “We've letting you two have your time first.”

“I think you should come out now. We can just put it all out there at once.”

Liam and Zayn glanced at each other quickly.

“We will soon,” Zayn promised. Louis let out another sigh and looked back to Harry.

“We promised the fans another question and answer,” he noted.

“I know,” Harry said. “We can do it any time.”

Louis took a long drink from his water, appearing to think about it, but when he finished and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, he simply shrugged.

“Come play football, Harry,” he said and without waiting for a response, walked back to the field. Of course, Harry followed. None of the others did and after glancing towards them, Louis gave a huff.

“I see how it is,” he said. “They're done playing with me.”

“You're just more in shape than them,” Harry told him. Louis grinned but quickly became serious. He positioned himself in front of the ball, concentrated hard and then moved to kick it, but he missed, his foot going slightly to the side. He groaned.

“Here,” Harry said and moved behind Louis to place his hands on his waist. He made sure to keep his distance while still holding the other guy steady.

“Okay, kick it,” he told him.

“What if I accidentally kick you?” Louis asked, swaying. Harry tightened his hold a bit.

“It's okay. I promise.”

After moving around a little, trying to get comfortable and confident, Louis paused and Harry took that as his cue to tighten his hold. Then, Louis kicked. He made contact with the ball and sent it rolling a bit and, though he tumbled to the side, Harry stopped him from falling and got him steady on his feet again.

“That was good,” Harry said.

“The ball barely moved.”

“Let's try again.”

Louis looked defeated, but with Harry's help, he tried again. The ball went farther and Louis was much more balanced that time. That seemed to raise his spirits a little and the two went for another three kicks, when the ball finally rolled into the net.

Screams and cheers erupted from every member of the audience. Louis was smiling, but said,

“Took long enough.”

“Let's go again,” Harry said, running to pick up the ball and take it to the middle of the field.

It took one less kick for Louis to get the ball in the net that time, and he was beaming. Harry was too.

“Are you ready to do a running kick?” the younger man asked.

“How are we going to do that?” Louis replied. In response, Harry took Louis's hand in his and took off. Louis almost fell forward, but managed to balance himself as he ran alongside Harry. They ran one lap around the field and then, as they approached the ball, Harry quickly went from holding Louis's hand to holding his waist, and Louis kicked. The ball went pretty far that time, even leaving the ground, and the others went absolutely ecstatic, including Anne and Jay, who had joined at some point that Harry wasn't aware of.

“Again,” Harry said, a huge smile on his face that mirrored Louis's. They did it again, Harry only keeping hold of Louis's hand when he kicked. The older made contact with the ball, but then he fell. Harry lunged forward, but he was too late to stop Louis from hitting the ground so he went down with him, at least managing to cradle his head to prevent it from being injured.

“Are you okay?” Harry asked, keeping his hands underneath Louis's head but making sure to not put his weight on the other man.

Instead of looking defeated like Louis had not too long ago, he was smiling.

“Did you see how far it went?!” he asked. Harry smiled.

“I did,” he assured him. Louis's smile grew wider and he sat up, balling one fist in Harry's shirt as he placed a hard kiss against his lips.

“I love you, Harry,” he breathed as they broke apart. Harry's eyes widened, his heart ready to explode.

“Is this just the post-game high talking?” he asked. Louis shook his head.

“Yo, are you both okay?!” Niall called out.

“Yeah, we're fine,” Louis called back and Harry slowly got to his feet, helping Louis up as well. As he did, Harry noticed that the other was shaking.

“Are you sure you're okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I'm good, Hazza.”

“Time for another break?”

Louis nodded.

“I need a shower,” he said.

After accepting hugs and congratulations from everyone, Louis went upstairs to shower. When he didn't come back down after thirty minutes, Harry checked on him to find that he was sleeping. He'd really worn himself out, but Harry couldn't stop himself from smiling, feeling as if Louis was only continuing to heal.

When Louis woke, it was nearly lunch time and Harry was in the kitchen making grilled cheese sandwiches for everyone.

“Hi,” Louis said, his voice still hoarse, as he placed his chin on Harry's shoulder. The younger man flipped a sandwich.

“Hi,” Harry said, looking over to give the other a smile. “Did you have a good nap?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I'm glad.”

Standing slightly on his tiptoes, Louis retrieved a bag of Doritos from the cabinet above the refrigerator and sat on an empty counter eating it while watching Harry cook.

“Thanks for helping me with football earlier,” Louis said.

“You taught me to play,” Harry told him. “You even had to hold my waist too and I don't even have balance issues.”

Louis snorted and Harry heard him munching on a few chips before he spoke again, changing the subject.

“Will you go somewhere with me tonight?”

“Okay, but where?”

“It's a surprise.”

“Sure,” Harry said. “Can't wait.”

***

'Tonight' ended up being more like the next morning, as it was after midnight when Louis finally told Harry that he was ready to go. Louis drove, but they didn't have to go far before they arrived at their destination; the beach. Harry didn't question why they were there, especially when it wasn't too warm this early in the morning during late Fall, and Louis didn't offer an explanation.

“Is this okay?” the older guy made sure to ask as they got out of the car and began walking towards the sand.

“It's more than okay,” Harry assured him.

The two walked close to the shoreline for a bit; not close enough to ever get wet but enough to remind Harry of the times they would walk in the shallowest parts of the ocean, hand-in-hand, late at night and how, if they were feeling frisky enough, they would push the other in, creating a full war. The memory made Harry smile until he realized sadly, upon looking at Louis's blank face, that he remembered none of it.

If the past couple days had taught him anything, though, it was that Louis's memories were still there, at least some of them, even if they were unattainable at this point.

“Lou? What did we come to the beach for?” Harry asked.

“I thought it would be nice,” Louis said simply, and Harry nodded, hoping his disappointment didn't show, until Louis said, “We used to come here to write songs too, didn't we? Like the park in London.”

“Yes!” Harry said, his breath catching in his throat, which he cleared. “We did. Do you remember that?”

“I don't _remember_ it, exactly,” Louis said. “It's more like a feeling I have.”

“Is it a sad feeling again?” Harry asked, remembering how Louis had felt sadness in the park, which still perplexed Harry, as those were always happy times, despite their not-so-happy situation.

“No,” Louis said, and Harry felt a bit of relief. “It feels nice here.”

“I'm glad.”

“Can we go sit somewhere and talk?” Louis asked then. Harry agreed.

“Sorry. I guess I should have brought a towel. I didn't plan this out very well,” Louis said as the two sat in the sand.

“It's alright,” Harry assured the man. Louis was quiet, drawing circles in the sand with his finger for a few moments until he spoke again.

“I told you I loved you earlier,” he said.

“Yeah,” Harry said, his body tensing up. Was Louis about to take back his words? If so, Harry wanted to just run away and not hear it. He didn't care if Louis never said it again, but he couldn't listen to the guy take back his love.

Harry sat frozen.

“I meant it,” Louis said after what seemed like a much too long pause. Harry let out a small breath and resisted telling Louis that he felt the same.  He didn't know why, but he just felt like that was the best thing to do. Louis continued.

“But I'm sorry I told you because I don't think you're going to like what comes next.”

The momentary flood of relief and maybe even happiness that Harry had felt vanished.

“What is it, Lou?” he asked reluctantly.

“I have to leave.”

“Leave? Like...go back home?”

“Yeah. But not, like, back to London. Back home, to my hometown.”

“That's alright,” Harry said. “Actually, that's a great idea. If you go back to the basics, it might help your recovery even more.”

“Yeah...but I don't know if you understand that I need to go back there alone.”

Harry paused, trying to breathe through the tightness in his chest. This almost felt like breaking up all over again, even though they weren't together. Louis didn't need him there with him, and he didn't want him.

Taking a deep, but hopefully subtle, breath, Harry forced a smile.

“Whatever you think is best, Louis. I just don't want you to think you have to do this alone.”

“I know I don't,” Louis assured him. “I don't know if I'll ever get all of my memories back or not, but I need to rediscover myself. I'm not trying to sound deep or anything, but ever since I woke up, it's been re-meeting all of these people and hearing all these stories of them and me, from their point of view. Now I need to figure out who I am because I'm still not really sure.”

That made sense. That made a lot of sense, really, and Harry was proud of Louis for coming to this conclusion on his own and for thinking of himself before someone else; a rare occurrence. Harry didn't like where this was going, but he was proud of Louis all the same, and with another mostly forced smile, he told him so.

“I'll be back,” Louis told him. “I don't know when, but I will, I promise.”

“I'll wait,” Harry said without a moment's hesitation.

“Wait like...like how?”

“However you want me to.”

Louis scooted closer so that the pair's knees were touching.

“I want you to do what's best for you, Harry,” Louis said. “I can't say for sure, of course, but I think maybe, in the chaos of everything, you might have lost yourself a little too. Take a little while for yourself. Or a long while if you want. Think about what you want and what you need and when we're both ready, we'll talk.”

Harry nodded. He highly doubted he would ever choose to not be with Louis, but he would at least briefly contemplate all sides of things, no matter how much it scared him.

“When are you leaving?” Harry asked.

“I have a flight at seven in the morning.”

Harry checked his phone. It was nearing two in the morning.

“Well, not that I want to leave, but maybe we should be heading back then,” the younger man said. “You're not going to be getting much sleep.”

“Hey, Haz?”

“Yeah?”

“Would it be highly selfish of me to ask to sleep with you in your bed again, one more time, at least for a while?”

“I would be pretty sad if you didn't, to be honest.”

***

“I'm going to miss you.”

Harry had almost been asleep, and he thought that Louis had probably been under the impression that he was completely out when he spoke, but the words pulled him back to reality and he turned his head to see Louis propped up on one arm, looking at him in the dark. Louis startled at the movement, so Harry touched his hand.

“I'm going to miss you too,” he said. “But you're right; you need to know yourself and I'm sorry none of us have realized that before.”

“It's no one's fault. You were all trying to help, and you all _did_ help. This is just the next chapter of recovery for me. It was inevitable.”

“I know,” Harry said, and he supposed he always had.

“I 'ell word' you,” Louis said, and Harry raised an eyebrow, a small huff of laughter escaping form him.

“You 'ell word' me?”

“Yeah,” Louis said, and Harry could tell from the little he could see of the other man that he was smiling. “It's not fair of me to say the full word again. It wasn't fair for me before. It's such a heavy word for our situation. But I do, and I want you to know that.”

“Well, you know what?”

“What?”

“I 'ell word' you too.”

His grin growing wider, Louis leaned down to press a kiss to Harry's forehead.

“Good night, Haz. I'll probably be gone when you wake up.”

“Probably,” Harry sighed. “But I'll see you, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Good luck, Louis and I'm so, so proud of you.”

Louis kissed Harry's cheekbone then and, without another word, laid on the pillow next to the other man. One tear slid down Harry's cheek but he bit his lip and fought off the rest.

Eventually, he fell asleep.

The next time he was woken was to a soft, barely existent kiss on the lips. Harry didn't even know how it woke him, but it did. He managed to keep his eyes shut and didn't say a word when Louis whispered softly,

“I love you, Harry. Good luck to you too.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I have two different endings in mind! One would mean the story will end in the next 2-4 chapters and the other one is a bit longer. I'm not sure which one I want yet! But I will hopefully know by next chapter so I can let you all know about how my chapters this will be altogether :) 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!


	21. Chapter 21

No one heard from Louis for two days. Only Jay received a text letting her know that her son had arrived to the secret destination he'd set for himself safely. Other than that, there was complete silence from his end. Jay and Lottie went back to London, but Anne and Gemma decided to stay with Harry for a bit. They were all worried about both boys, though Harry wished they wouldn't waste their energy worrying about him. Whether it was right or not, his happiness and comfort relied much on Louis's, so he wouldn't even know how he was until he found out if Louis was okay or not. Harry wasn't _not_ alright, though, because he knew that Louis was doing what he needed to do for the time being.

Finally, on the third day after Louis left, Lottie called Harry to let him know that she heard from her brother. According to him, he had spent the past couple of days sleeping , but said that he felt good. 

Before they hung up, Lottie told Harry that she was sure Louis would call him soon. Harry wasn't sure if she actually believed that or was just trying to comfort him, but even though a phone call from Louis would be wonderful, he hoped he wouldn't do so until he was ready.

The day after that, Harry finally got back onto his social media accounts. He didn't look at much, but made sure to thank everyone for the support that they had received so far. He also assured them that the promised question and answer session would come.

For some reason, it was hard for Harry to refrain from making contact with Louis after that point. He supposed it wasn't really that strange. He missed Louis, he could admit it, but he had meant it when he said he wanted Louis to take all the time he needed. Harry shouldn't call or message him. He should let Louis make that first move.

But what if Louis was also refraining from contacting Harry, despite wanting to? He had said that he wanted Harry to take time for himself as well, so maybe he was trying to just give his former lover time too. 

Once they hit the one week mark of Louis being gone, Harry finally gave into his urge and sent Louis a text.

_ Hey :) _ , it read.  _ I hope your time  _ _ a _ _ way is going well and that you're continuing to heal. You don't have to reply right away, but I was wondering if it would be okay with you for me to do a question and answer? If you want us both to wait, that's fine. It's just something I've been thinking about. Talk to you soon! _

To Harry's surprise, it only took Louis a couple of hours to reply, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw that name reflected at him from his notification screen.

_ Hi! :) I'm doing well. I feel good. I hope the same for you. Go ahead for the Q&A. I'm sure it will be appreciated! _

It took everything in Harry for him to not send another message right then, asking Louis what he was doing, if he had recovered anymore memories yet, if he had any idea when he was coming home…

As hard as it was, though, Harry closed his eyes and locked his phone, breathed for a few moments, and then got online to tell everyone where to go and when if they wanted to watch his question and answer stream.

***

“Hey, everyone. Thanks for logging in,” Harry greeted his online audience with a nervous smile the next day. “Sorry Louis isn't joining me, but he knows I'm doing this and is supportive of it. So...obviously, as this is a question and answer, I will be answering questions soon, but I'm going to go over a few things first. Consider this my theory on what the FAQs would be.”

Harry gave a small, nervous laugh and then cleared his throat. Looking down so that he wasn't focusing on the camera, hoping that would help at least a little, Harry started at the beginning of everything. He told the story of when he first saw Louis and how he was enamored by hi m almost immediately.  He recounted the bathroom story and how both of them fell hard and fast from that point on. Without throwing anyone under the bus, Harry mentioned some details from their contracts that prevented them from letting it be known that they were together. He talked about some of the stunts they had been led to do and how much time they had to spen d apart. On the flip side, he also talked about the days and nights they would sneak to be together anyway. Briefly, he went over the times around their break up and then after. Even more briefly, he explained the present and how they were just trying to put the pieces of themselves back together and decide what was best for the both of them. 

When he finally stopped talking and checked the time, Harry was startled at how long he had ended up talking, but his viewer count had only grown and there were relatively few questions popping up. He hoped that meant that everyone had been really listening to his speech and taking it in, and not just that they had been bored to a sleep.

Embarrassed, Harry cleared his throat again and, with a forced smile, told the audience that he was ready for questions. As he had gone over almost everything, there weren't too many things left unanswered, but the chat section of the site blew up; the viewers sending even more support and thanking him for sharing their experiences with them. There were a couple trolls here and there, but Harry didn't even care. He was getting choked up, but only from the shock of just how great the majority of people were being. Harry didn't really know what he had expected, but it definitely hadn't been that, and he felt bad for underestimating people. He didn't put too much blame on himself though. What could he expect when, for several years of his life, he was told he had to pretend to be someone else because he wouldn't be accepted for who he was?

Almost as soon as Harry disconnected his chat, his phone buzzed. He nearly didn't check it because what he needed right then was to lie down and take a super long nap, but he knew he wouldn't be able to relax if he didn't at least look at the message he received, so he did, and was glad he had chosen to do so, because the text was from Louis.

_ You did a beautiful job, Harry. That was wonderful.  _

Harry, whose emotions hadn't been stable since the moment he turned his webcam on, finally cracked and the tears came, fast and hard. He couldn't help it. He missed Louis so much and, even if he was happy that he was doing what he needed to do, he could no longer pretend that it didn't feel like a knife was twisting through his own heart.

***

No word came from Louis for the remainder of the week and Harry was able to resist sending him a message that time. It wasn't easy, but he did it. Clearly, if Louis really wanted to say something, as he had after Harry's live stream, then he would talk first.

That weekend, Liam and Zayn came out together. They did it without warning. Harry didn't even know it was coming.

Gemma had gone back to London, as she had a job to do and a wedding to plan, but Anne was still with Harry, and when he heard her calling frantically for him from the other room, he jumped off of his bed, leaving his laptop open, and ran to the spare bedroom, his heart pounding.

“Look,” Anne had said simply, nodding to the television as she turned the volume up. She was watching an entertainment channel, apparently, and Liam and Zayn were on the screen, eyes squinted against the several flashing lights as they held hands and made their way the best they could through the street. Underneath the images was a headline announcing the confirmation of a second One Direction couple. Harry smiled as Zayn and Liam kissed on screen  and then, as one paparazzo accidentally brushed against Liam, Zayn asked politely if he could be careful around  his ' boyfriend. '

Harry called the pair that night to congratulate them and though they thanked him, they changed the subject quickly to instead ask how he was doing. Perhaps he was wrong, but Harry felt that the two felt awkward talking about themselves as a couple to Harry now, and he didn't like that all. He wanted the best for them and was happy for them. There was a little bit of hurt for himself, but it had nothing to do with them.

The jealousy Harry had felt over Gemma's wedding had disappeared too sometime in the chaos of everything, and when he flew back to London a couple days after Liam and Zayn's outing, he made a point to call his sister's fiance and hang out with him, mainly doing wedding planning, but not always.  Again, he  had  a constant pain deep in his chest, but what could anyone expect when the love of his life was who knew where, and Harry honestly didn't know if they would ever speak again? Still, he had grown enough the past couple of months to not let that sadness cloud his genuine happiness for his sister.

As Louis had requested, Harry had done some soul searching as well. He'd started the morning the other man left, but by the next morning, he was through. He knew what he wanted. He wanted Louis. Louis was Harry's first love and would be his only true love and Harry wanted to be with him forever, but he had enough experience to know that some things were out of his control. This was one of them. All he could do was wait and see how things played out in the future, but in the mean time, he knew he could focus on helping others with theirs.

Another couple of weeks passed with no word from Louis. Not even fans or paparazzi had seen him. Lottie said he had visited family a couple of times but still hadn't let anyone know where he was staying. To her, he was being melodramatic, and it was a little strange to Harry too, but he knew it was impossible for anyone to know exactly how Louis was feeling or what he was thinking. He stuck by the belief that he was doing what was best for himself, because he had to.

Finally, about a week before Louis's birthday, Harry's phone rang and Louis's name was shining up from the screen. For a moment, Harry stared, thinking he was seeing things, but he quickly shook himself out of that, fearing that if he missed Louis's call, it would be another nearly two months before they spoke.

“Hello?” he asked breathlessly before the phone was even up to his ear.

“Hello?” Louis said questioningly, as if he wasn't actually sure that Harry had answered.

“Hey,” Harry said.

“Oh, hey!” the other man said, his voice brighter. “How are you?”

“I'm great. How are you?”

“I'm alright. So is it true?”

“Is what true?”

“Are you an actor now?”

“When did that leak?”

It was true, Harry had auditioned for, got offered and accepted his second film role, but it had been finalized no more than a couple of hours ago. People amazed him with the things they could find out.

“I'm guessing that's a yes then,” Louis said.

“I wouldn't necessarily add 'actor' to my resume yet,” Harry said. He guessed that, technically, he was, but the title felt weird to him. It was something he enjoyed doing and thought he would get more involved in it now that he had all the time in the world, but he always felt that he would be a singer, first and foremost.

“You're going to be in a movie, so that makes you an actor,” Louis pointed out. Harry hesitated only a moment before saying,

“This is going to be my second movie, actually.”

“Your second?! Jesus, no one tells me anything.”

“Sorry,” Harry apologized, a small smile forming on his face because he could tell by the tone of Louis's voice that he wasn't actually upset.

“We're going to have to watch your other movie now, you know that, right?”

“'We?'” Harry verified, his heart picking up speed again. His breath was still shallow.

“I miss you, Harry,” Louis said quietly after pausing for the briefest of moments. Harry's chest ached.

“I miss you too.”

“Are you busy?”

“I'm never too busy for you.”

“Okay, but like...seriously, am I interrupting anything?”

“No.”

“Can you tell me another memory?”

“Anything specific or…?”

“How did we become official?”

Harry smiled, moving from his kitchen table to his couch, getting comfortable for the tale.

“This is one of my favorite memories,” he said, and imagined that Louis was smiling as he began.

  


_Harry probably shouldn't be so concerned with what he was wearing to Louis's birthday party._ _Louis had seen him in sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt and had still told him how beautiful he was before pulling him into a kiss. Clearly, he wasn't too hard to please, but this day was special, and not only because it was almost Louis's birthday. Today was the day that Harry was going to ask Louis to be official._

_After this much time, and after they had been on several 'dates' and shared at least a kiss a day, everyone close to the boys already assumed they were together, Harry as well, but nothing about a relationship had actually been mentioned and, lately, Harry had developed a fear of coming home to Louis with another man or_ _a_ _woman, and he knew he wouldn't be able to say a thing about it because they had never actually told each other that they were boyfriends._

_Though it was obvious that Louis really liked Harry, the younger boy was still nervous. In the past months, he had seen Louis really get comfortable with his sexuality. He had stopped jumping back from Harry whenever someone entered a room, and kissed him with no reluctance whatsoever whenever he decided that he wanted to. Still, it was one thing to kiss and touch. Commitment was a whole other thing and Harry was afraid that Louis would decide that he wasn't ready. Of course, Harry would wait for him, but what if he was never ready? Would Harry be okay with kissing Louis until he found someone that he was ready to commit to?_

_The answer was yes, Harry knew that already, but it wouldn't be the ideal situation. He had fallen completely in love with the older boy and he wanted to do more than just kiss and touch. He wanted to know the other inside and out. He wanted to know that he would always come home to him. Eventually, he knew he would want to marry him and start a family with him. No one else would ever make him feel this way. He and Louis were soul mates, he really believed that._

_Of course, if they were truly soul mates, Louis would share his feelings, so if he didn't, Harry would be forced to re-evaluate everything he thought he knew about love, life and the universe._

_Maybe Harry was being a little dramatic, but so what? This was his first love. He wanted it to be his last love. (And he honestly believed it would be his last love, no matter the outcome.)_

_Gemma finally made Harry leave the bedroom while she picked out an outfit for him. People were already arriving to his and Louis's home and he wasn't even dressed yet. Harry supposed the outfit was okay and put it on without argument. Taking a breath as he gave himself one last look in the mirror, Harry fixed his hair and went downstairs._

_“There you are!” Louis exclaimed, pulling Harry into a tight hug as the younger boy joined his side by the drink table. Louis's cheeks were already pink and Harry hoped he wouldn't get_ _**too** _ _drunk because the conversation he was planning to have with Louis later would be best saved for when they both had clear heads._

_Of course, Harry was going to need a couple beverages to calm his nerves._

_Louis wasn't by Harry's side the whole night. Sometimes he eve_ _n_ _disappeared for twenty or so minutes at a time before Harry saw him again, which was fine. Harry wasn't that clingy and he spent the time talking to their other mutual friends. Every now and then, Louis would pop back up, kiss Harry on the cheek and make sure everything was going okay, and then disappear again._

_Even when Harry reached the point of 'tipsy,' his nerves hadn't settled, and he wasn't sure if he had to pee so much because of the alcohol, anxiety or both, but he was being a bit ridiculous, and so decided it best to shut himself in his bedroom and work on his breathing until he felt that he had things under control. He wished the room wasn't spinning so much._

_“Harry?”_

_After rapping on the bedroom door a couple of times, Louis allowed himself to enter. Turning away from his vanity, Harry gave his best friend a weak smile._

_“Hey, how's the party going?” he asked._

_“Fine,” Louis said, but he was frowning. “Are you alright?”_

_“Yeah, I'm fine. Why?”_

_“Well, you're up here...alone...”_

_“_ _Oh, yeah, I'm fine though. I think I just drank a little too much and, like, the room is spinning and stuff, so...”_

_Harry trailed off and then giggled under the intensity of Louis's stare. The older boy walked towards him, moving Harry's hair off of his forehead a little before he cupped his friend's face in his hands._

_“Do you feel sick?” he asked, still frowning as he studied the younger boy's face._

_“No, I don't feel sick,” Harry assured him, and then said, “Now smile! It's your birthday! Almost. It's your birthday party, at least.”_

_“Will you come back down?” Louis asked. He still hadn't moved his hands._

_“Yeah, okay!”_

_Louis studied Harry one more time and then leaned down to place_ _a_ _kiss on his lips. Harry's heart fluttered and suddenly, his stomach did feel a bit strange, but he knew that was only the butterflies._

_“Louis?” he said, tilting his head so that one cheek was further pressed in Louis's small, warm hand._

_“Yeah? What is it?”_

_“What are we?”_

_Harry regretted the words almost as soon as they were out of his mouth. Of course, he had been planning on having this conversation at some point that night, but now wasn't the time; not when there were still a couple hours left of the party to which both of them would feel highly uncomfortable if it didn't go the way Harry was hoping._

_“What do you mean?” Louis asked, his thumb running up and down Harry's cheek gently. Harry could honestly fall asleep and his eyes did close for a brief second before he pried them open again._

_“I really like you,” he said, even though that was an understatement. “And I know you like me too, somewhat, and we, like, kiss and stuff and that's wonderful, but...is that all we are? Friends with benefits?”_

_“I don't know,” Louis admitted. “I hope not.”_

_“Really?”_

_Hope filled Harry, making him even dizzier._

_“I do really like you, Harry. I...yeah, I really, really like you and I love kissing you and stuff, but I don't want to do just that for the rest of my life until you find someone that you like kissing more.”_

_“_ _That won't happen,” Harry assured the other quickly. “But I feel the same way about you.”_

_“That won't happen,” Louis said as well and then kissed Harry again, slowly and tenderly._

_“Boyfriend,” Harry said with a smile once they broke apart._

_“Yes, boyfriend?”_

_“Would you like to go back to your party now?”_

_“Eh, they won't miss me for another few minutes. We've got time.”_

_Louis tugged lightly on Harry's hand, so the younger boy got to his feet and followed Louis over to the bed, where he laid down and let the other climb on top of him. Louis placed kisses all the way from Harry's nose to his collar bone and then helped him remove his shirt._

_“I love you, Louis,” Harry said without even thinking about it, and Louis froze, but then he smiled against Harry's skin, his voice muffled as he said,_

_“I love you too, Hazza.”_

  


“Lou?”

Harry had finished the memory nearly half a minute ago and Louis hadn't said a word. Checking the connection, Harry saw that they were still on the line and then he heard the other man take in a shaky breath.

“Were you wearing a black button up that night?” he asked.

“Yes,” Harry answered, a smile breaking across his face.

“I think I kind of remember it. Like, not fully or anything, but I remember being on a bed with you. I remember the outfit…and I remember it lying on the floor.”

Louis gave a small laugh.

“I remember being happy,” he said.

“I'm sorry that didn't last,” Harry said with a sigh.

“What's wrong with me?” Louis asked.

“Nothing,” Harry said. “That's the problem; nothing is wrong with you, but the world tried to convince you otherwise. But you're fine, Louis. You're amazing.”

Louis didn't reply for a few moments, but Harry could hear his labored breathing. He thought he might be crying, but he wasn't going to say anything.

“I miss you,” Louis said again.

“I miss you too,” Harry repeated.

“I was thinking...”

“About anything in particular?”

“Well, about a lot. But I think, maybe, what part of my issue was that, even before I got my injury, I didn't really know who I was. I think I never really knew who I was without you. We...um...We complete each other, Harry, and all of those times we were away on stunts, it was literally a half of me that was missing. When we broke up, part of me broke too and now...Well, I know we've been closer than we have in a while, but it's not the same.”

“Louis…,” Harry began, but he didn't know where to carry that thought. He had too much swirling around in his head and in his heart and he didn't know what would make things better or what would make them worse.

“Have you thought about us while I've been gone?” Louis asked.

“Yes,” Harry said. “And I love you, Louis. I still love you and that won't ever stop. I want you. I also want what's best for you, but I'm just putting that out there. I love you and I want you.”

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm coming home.”

Harry's heart was seriously palpitating then. He honestly thought he might faint.

“And where exactly is 'home?'” he asked, holding his breath.

“You,” Louis answered. “You're my home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm guessing there are ~3 chapters left, but I will try to know for 100% sure by the next chapter! Sorry! 
> 
> Happy Memorial Day to those who are celebrating :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Louis's POV again!!! I know I said I probably wouldn't put another chapter like this up in the story, but I couldn't make myself happy with this chapter until I completely rewrote it like this. I hope it was a good idea, because I was trying to compare and contrast his former POV to this one to show how things have kind of changed. Anyway, I hope you like it!

_Harry was coming home to Louis. After months of stunts and lies and missed phone calls and tears, he was coming home. Louis knew it wasn't going to be forever. Eventually-probably sooner rather than later-there would be another fake girlfriend and another ridiculous rumor spread by the people supposed to correct such things, but for now, Harry was coming home._

_Louis spent the entire day cleaning. Well, it was cleaning on Louis's terms. Maybe the_ _shower_ _wasn't scrubbed to perfection and a lot of the mess was just shoved into closets_ _or_ _under the bed, but the place was still as clean as it had been the whole month Harry had been gone._

_The couple hadn't gone the whole_ _month_ _without seeing each other, of course. There had been a couple days here and there in which Harry was at the house, and he'd witnessed the mess that Louis had let the place become. Though Louis knew it bothered him, Harry didn't say anything. Louis was a messy person by nature, but sometimes it was worse than others. When Harry was gone on long, intense trips such as this one, it got worse. Louis was barely able to get motivation to get off of the couch or out of bed, let alone scrub down a house._

_Now, though, the house was clean. Well...it wasn't_ _**dirty.** _

_ Even with cutting some corners, it took Louis a good two hours to get the place straightened up, and he was exhausted when he finished. Harry's flight was due to land in just under an hour, and he would be home about thirty or so minutes after that. The plan was for Louis to get Italian take-out and have a nice dinner waiting for his boyfriend when he got home, but at the moment, he could barely see straight. He should be better rested, he thought, for barely leaving the house for a month, but, even though he spent a majority of his time laying down, he hadn't gotten near enough sleep. It seemed that every time he fell asleep, he missed a call from Harry. _

_ He didn't have to worry about missing a call now, though, because Harry was coming home. Louis could talk to him face to face. He could kiss his  _ _ lips _ _ and curl up next to him in their bed that night. They could fall asleep in the middle of a sentence; probably one in which they were declaring their love for each other. Louis couldn't wait, but he also knew he wouldn't be able to stay awake long enough to wait out Harry's jet lag at this rate, so he set the alarm on his phone to go off in twenty minutes.  _ _ That would still give him enough time to freshen up, pick up dinner and get everything situated. _

_ Louis fell asleep. _

_ It had been light out when he'd laid down  _ _ on the couch _ _ , but as he stirred, Louis noticed the lack of sunlight pouring in through the cracks in the blinds and he bolted upright, sending the blanket that was over top of his body falling to the floor. Had he even gone to sleep with a blanket? He hadn't thought so. _

_ Checking his phone, Louis saw that he had been asleep for over two hours. When he tried to find the reason as to why his alarm didn't go off, he found that his sound had been turned off. _

_ “Harry?!” Louis called, his voice groggy as he threw his phone down onto the couch and made his way up the stairs. _

_ “In here!” a voice from the kitchen called cheerily, making Louis redirect his route. Harry met him halfway, right by the couch Louis had just been asleep on. _

_ “Oh my god, Louis,” Harry breathed, hurrying over to  _ _ t _ _ wirl the man around before setting him back onto his feet and kissing his lips. “I missed you so much.” _

_ “ _ _ I missed you too,” Louis said, but he couldn't help but to frown. “I was going to get dinner for you...” _

_ “That's okay!” Harry assured his boyfriend, a smile on his face. “I'm making spaghetti. Do you want garlic bread or bread and butter?” _

_ “Doesn't matter,” Louis answered off-handedly. “I'm sorry I was asleep. I set my alarm, but my phone somehow put itself on silent...” _

_ “No, babe, I did that,” Harry explained. Louis's frown deepened. _

_ “What?” _

_ “I took an earlier flight,” Harry said. “I just couldn't wait to get home. When I got here, you were asleep on the couch and you looked so peaceful, so I checked to see if you'd set an alarm, which you had.  _ _ I  _ _ turned it off and took Bruce on a walk.  _ _ There was a note, just in case you woke up while I was gone, but you were still knocked out when we got back. _ _ ” _

_ “I'm surprised  _ _ Bruce _ _ didn't wake me up,” Louis said. _

_ “He knew you needed your sleep too,” Harry theorized, and then kissed Louis again. “I missed you so much, baby.” _

_ “I missed you too.” _

_ Louis put his arms around Harry's neck, finally smiling, and Harry's grin grew before his eyes widened and he stepped gently out of Louis's touch. _

_ “The spaghetti,” he explained, hurrying off  _ _ to  _ _ the kitchen. Louis followed, and Harry reached the stove just in time to save their dinner. _

_ “Bread and butter?” Harry asked. _

_ “That's fine,” Louis said. “Sorry you had to make dinner after your long flight.” _

_ “I didn't  _ _**have** _ _ to,” Harry pointed out. “I could have just as easily ordered take-out, but I'm assuming that's what you've been living on for the past month and that physically hurts me.” _

_ Louis laughed, but Harry wasn't wrong, for the most part. _

_ “I heated up vegetable egg rolls one day,” Louis informed his boyfriend. _

_ “Oh, thank god,” Harry sighed in relief. “Maybe you won't get scurvy  _ _ then _ _.” _

_ Louis giggled, hugging Harry from behind as the younger man stirred the vegetables. _

_ “Don't leave again.” _

_ “I won't; not for a while,” Harry promised. Louis whimpered. _

_ “Hey,” Harry said, turning around and holding Louis's wrists together as he gave him yet another kiss. “No need to be sad, pretty one. You know I'll come back to you always.” _

  


Louis believed that, even now. He believed that, no matter what, Harry would choose him in the end and not because he felt obligated or because he didn't know any other way. He would pick Louis because, just like he was Louis's, Louis was his home too.

For just a few moments after he rang Harry's doorbell, Louis thought he was wrong about that because it took Harry awhile to answer. When he did, though, his eyes grew wide and he pulled Louis against him into a hug so tight that it took Louis's breath away. 

“You really did come back,” Harry said, like he was in awe of the fact.

“I told you I was,” Louis said, hugging Harry back and burying his face into the man's chest. His tense muscles relaxed and his pounding head barely ached anymore. 

“I know,” Harry affirmed. He pulled back, but held onto Louis's biceps, smiling despite the fact that there was a slight glint in his eyes.

“You look healthier,” he noted. Louis nodded.

“I got on a better diet and exercise plan,” he said. “I've been taking something to help me sleep. I've been taking something to...keep me from getting too down.”

Harry frowned.

“Are you okay?” he asked. Louis smiled, hoping it would make Harry's come back.

“I'm fine,” he assured him, and for the first time that he could remember, he meant it. “It's just a precaution. My head gets foggy sometimes and I figured I have a better chance of recovery if it's clear.”

Harry nodded, still looking worried, but at least his frown wasn't so deep then.

“I'm so proud of you, Louis,” he said. “I'm so happy that you're taking care of yourself.”

“Yeah,” Louis said, “but now that I have the hang of that, I want to take care of you too.”

“What do you mean?” Harry asked as Louis brushed by him lightly. The younger man shut the door. “I'm perfectly fine.”

“Well, Harry, this house is kind of a mess,” Louis said, picking up Harry's shoes from where they were in the entryway and placing them in the closet, where he had a feeling Harry would keep them. He smiled when he saw more shoes behind the door.

After those were in place, Louis walked to the living room and took the television remote from where it was sitting on the footstool and set it back by the TV. Harry was beaming as he leaned against the wall and watched Louis.

“Hey, the mess made me feel like you were here,” he defended.

“Well,” Louis said, fluffing up one of the couch cushions before he went to stand in front of Harry again, cupping the younger man's face in his hands. “I am here now.”

“You're here,” Harry confirmed, nodding as if to convince himself that this was real.

“I'm here,” Louis repeated, smiling as he leaned up to kiss Harry. It was a soft, short kiss, but it was sweet and the two kept their eyes closed for a few moments even after they broke apart.

“Are you here for good?” Harry asked. Louis nodded and Harry took him in his arms again.

“I love you, Louis Tomlinson,” he said.

“And I love you.”

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“I would love one.”

Harry went into the kitchen and Louis followed. They were silent as Harry made Louis his drink, but both were smiling, and the older man thanked Harry as the cup was set down in front of him. Harry sat in the chair next to him as Louis took a sip.

“I'm sorry I left,” Louis said, holding the warm mug tightly in his cold hands.

“I'm not,” Harry said. “Yeah, I missed you, but it does seem to have done you good, Lou. You really do seem healthier...maybe even happier. Maybe you weren't able to find yourself like you thought, but I think  you  leaving unlocked the final clue of where you needed to go to be able to discover who you are again. I honestly don't think you would be here  with me right now if you hadn't gone.”

“Probably not,” Louis agreed after a slight debate. “So I guess instead of saying sorry, I should say thank you for waiting for me.”

“It wasn't for purely unselfish reasons.”

Louis smiled, diverting his eyes into his cup before taking another sip. When he looked up, Harry was watching him, smiling like Louis was some precious gift bestowed onto him. The gaze heated Louis's face up.

“As much as I'm glad you went away and found yourself, I'm  happy  you're home.”

“I love you, Harry,” Louis said, setting down his mug so that he could hold one  of Harry's hands.

“I love you,” Harry replied.

“I'll love you always,” Louis said. Harry's smile grew, and there was definite moisture in his eyes then. Louis continued, “And I'll come home to you always.”

Harry's wet eyes widened, his mouth forming a small 'oh,' of surprise.

“I...I said that to you,” he said.

“I know.”

“You remember?”

“I remember that,” Louis said. “I remember enough. I might not have all of our memories, but I remember you. I remember me. I remember us.”

Harry fish-mouthed, trying to find the words to say, but before he succeeded, a tear slid down his cheek and he gave a breathy laugh.

“Damn it,” he said, and Louis giggled before wiping the tear away.

“Things might still be weird for a while,” he reasoned.

“They've always been weird,” Harry pointed out.

“But as long as you want me, I'm here.”

“I guess you're stuck with me forever then,” Harry said, getting out of his seat to place himself on Louis's lap.

“I guess that's something I could get used to,” Louis said with a wink. Truthfully, he didn't think being with Harry was something he ever had to get used to. He loved Harry from day one, and that love only grew and grew. Somehow, he still knew that. Looking at Harry's face, Louis didn't know how he'd ever pretended otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this one was short, but I wanted to make it short and sweet for Louis's final POV :) There are two more chapters!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on time!!! Woo!!!!

When Harry woke, his legs were tangled up with Louis's and he turned his head to smile into his pillow, nearly crying from happiness yet again. He pulled himself together quickly, though, and then turned his head back around to look at the man sleeping next to him. Louis was really so beautiful, and Harry always knew that, but there were certain times when he was really reminded of the fact, such as right then. He couldn't believe that Louis was there, and there to stay. He had actually had a bit of a hard time falling asleep the previous night, jarring his eyes open every time he'd started to drift off to make sure that Louis was still there.

Still not waking, Louis gave a rather violent shiver and his teeth chattered for a few seconds as he unknowingly pulled the blankets up closer to his chin. Frowning, Harry reached out to gently touch Louis's forehead and check for a fever, but fortunately, he didn't appear to have one, and Harry then remembered that Louis ran cold.

Quickly getting out of bed, Harry retrieved the electric blanket he kept in his closet only for the coldest days and hooked it up, turning the heat on high when it was over top of Louis's body. He wondered how he had forgotten that Louis was always cold and thought, not for the first time since everything happened, just how scary it was that memories were so fleeting and lost so easily.

Of course, some memories that one would think were gone did have a tendency to pop up at the least expected times, and by that, Harry was amazed and also grateful.

Harry wasn't tired anymore and he was afraid that if he lingered, he would end up waking Louis before he was ready, so the younger man headed to the kitchen to begin breakfast, figuring Louis would awaken sooner rather than later. However, when the meal was ready, Louis had yet to stir.

Not wanting to eat without the other man, Harry put a towel over the waffles, deciding to move them to the refrigerator if too much time passed and Louis was still asleep.

Harry didn't know if Louis was ready to tell the world of their rekindled relationship, but he was too happy to keep all of his emotions to himself, so he got onto his social media to post a simple smiley face. He thought about calling his mother, but then decided to wait on that as well. She would probably (hopefully) be excited as well, and Harry loved the woman, but he didn't quite trust her not to spread the news like wildfire amongst family and friends, and who knew where it would go from there?

After his simple status update was posted, Harry went back upstairs to check on Louis and was surprised to find that he was sitting up in bed, his hair every which way, and rubbing his eyes sleepily. Smiling, Harry slid his phone right back out of his pocket and took a picture. Louis looked up at the very last second, one eye focused on the phone as the other was still covered by his fist.

“Did you just take a picture of me?” the older man asked, his voice gruff. It was hard for Harry to not attack him with kisses right then and there.

“I did,” he admitted, sitting on the bed next to his boyfriend. _He had a boyfriend!_ And not just any boyfriend, but the only man he'd ever truly considered a boyfriend; the love of his life and afterlife. 

“ Why?” Louis asked, yawning as he rested his head on Harry's shoulder. 

“Because you're cute,” Harry answered, “and also because we always dreamed that one day we could post good morning pictures together.”

“Hm, let me see,” Louis said, reaching for Harry's phone, which the younger singer unlocked and handed to him. 

“My hair looks awful, but go ahead, if you want,” Louis said.

“Your hair is sexy,” Harry disagreed, logging onto Instagram to upload with the caption 'Best morning ever, seeing your face as you awaken <3.' 

“People are totally going to think we fucked,” Louis commented at the caption.

“Oh well,” Harry said. They'd been thinking that for a while now and, often times, they were right.

Letting out another yawn, Louis collapsed backwards onto the bed, wrapping his arms around Harry to force him to lay too. His head was on Harry's chest and his fingers were tracing one of Harry's many tattoos; the boat.

“Tell me about our matching tattoos,” he said.

“So you figured that out then?” Harry asked.

“I figured that out on day one,” Louis said. “I told myself for a while that they were best friend tattoos, or that they were even just coincidences, but...I know better.”

“Well, the boat goes with your compass, obviously, because you always guide me back to you, and I'm always headed back to you no matter what.”

Harry felt Louis smile against his skin.

“The rope and anchor are for holding each other together and keeping us afloat, in a metaphorical sense.”

“Mhm,” Louis hummed, wrapping his arms around Harry and burying his face into his shirt. “Go on.”

“I don't know if you know, but our oops and hi go together. They were the first words we said to each other.”

“Yeah, I remembered that from when you took me to the bathroom where we met.”

“ I have a lock and you have a key for the key to my heart...Yeah, we were that couple.”

Louis laughed, but otherwise stayed silent, focused on taking in Harry's words.

“Your chest tattoo goes with my butterfly.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. The artist had both of them together on a piece of paper. He said they were unrelated, but we really liked them,  and instead of getting two of the exact same tattoos, especially since they were bigger, you got the words and I got the picture.”

“And the rose and the dagger?”

Harry sucked in a breath because that one hurt a little.

“I got the rose a long time before you got the dagger. It was when things were getting really tough and I wanted you to know that, no matter what, you would always be the most beautiful and special person to me. You were in one of your darkest places and so you weren't quite up to getting the dagger yet, even though we'd been discussing it for a while. You just weren't feeling optimistic enough and I don't think you had the energy for all of the speculation. That was okay, of course. Then, a little over a year later, you got the dagger. It was only days before we broke up.”

Louis too sucked in a breath. Harry wrapped his arms around the smaller man, holding him tightly.

“I think at that point you had been on your medication for a few weeks and were having a rare good day. I didn't know about the medication, of course, but still...I thought things were looking up. And then that stupid fight happened.”

Tears pricked at Harry's eyes yet again. He knew that, at the time, the fight had been serious; that their pain and their anger had come from very real places, but now it just felt dumb. 

“I'm sorry,” Louis said, his voice soft.

“Why are you apologizing?” Harry asked. “I've told you before, it wasn't your fault or mine, really. It was the situation. We just...imploded.”

For some reason, that made Louis giggle. It was a wet laugh, hinting that he was crying too. Sure enough, when he lifted up his head, there were a couple tears marks on Harry's shirt.

“You okay?” he asked, leaning forward to kiss Louis's cheekbone where a tear lay.

“Yeah,” he said, and it sounded like he meant it. Louis laughed again as he wiped a tear from Harry's cheek. The younger man hadn't even realized it had escaped. “We're messes,” Louis said.

“Your mess completes my mess,” Harry said with a smile, which Louis returned. Then, his stomach growled.

“I made waffles,” Harry said.

“Ooh, waffles,” Louis replied. After a moment, he sat up, rubbing his eyes again, and Harry sat up as well, placing a kiss on his boyfriend's cheek. They held hands as they went down the stairs.

“By the way, what do you want to do for your birthday?” Harry asked  as they sat to eat.

“Nothing, really,” Louis replied, taking a bite of waffle. Harry raised an eyebrow.

“'Nothing' isn't like you,” he commented. Louis shrugged.

“I just want to embrace having you all to myself for a while.”

“I'm always all yours, no matter where we go or whoever else is around,” Harry assured him. Louis smiled closed-mouth, finished chewing his bite and smiled before saying,

“Maybe just a din n er with family and close friends.”

“Whatever you want, love,” Harry said. 

“Will you invite your family too?” Louis asked. “I know I met them again, but I feel like I haven't been properly re-acquainted with them.”

“I know my family would love to come,” Harry told him.

“Invite Gemma's fiance too,” Louis said.

“I think you two will get along well, actually. I'll ask him to come. Hey, speaking of the wedding, will you be my plus one? You're invited anyway, but I think a changing of seats is in order.”

Louis didn't reply and when Harry looked from his plate to his boyfriend, he wasn't even sure that he'd heard him. There was a slight frown on his face and his eyes were far away. Harry frowned.

“Louis?”

The other man jolted, blinking a few times to focus on Harry and give him a smile.

“Sorry. I would love to be your plus one,” he said, so at least he'd heard him, but Harry still wasn't all that comforted.

“Where did you just go, babe?” he asked.

“Nowhere. I'm just still tired,” Louis said, and then added quickly, “I had a dream last night.”

Harry thought that was a rather random subject change, but he went along with it.

“Was it a good dream?”

“I think it was a memory, or at least a projection of a hidden memory.”

“ Do you want to tell me about it?”

Louis nodded.

“You were there,” he began. “We were in a kitchen, I think, because you were standing by a counter. We were talking about our break-up like it was the first time that we'd r e ally done so even though you look like you do now. Maybe just because I don't really remember you looking any other way.”

“Maybe,” Harry said his heart speeding up a little, “but it could have been the night of your accident, when we were at Simon's. We were in his kitchen talking about the break-up and, really, that had been the first time we'd discussed it after all those years.”

Louis nodded, almost as if he'd already known that.

“I told you that I loved you,” he continued. “And I said that I regretted our break-up ever since I made you leave, but that I thought you were better off without me and my problems.”

Harry bit his lip, Louis's words hurting him, but he remained quiet, not wanting to distract Louis from his train of thought.

“I told you that I knew I was taking a risk by saying this, but that I wanted to be together again.”

Louis fell silent.

“Then what?” Harry prodded.

“I don't know. Then I woke up.”

“Oh.”

“I think I woke up because I didn't know what your answer was going to be.”

“I think you may  have  be en  remembering what you were going to tell me that night before we got interrupted,” Harry said, and Louis nodded, seeming to agree. Harry continued, “But I also think you should know what my answer would have been.”

When Harry didn't go on, Louis frowned, looking confused. Harry kissed him.

“I would have told you then the same thing I would tell you now; that I love you too and that I'm never better off without you. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel that way, and I wonder every day if walking out of that door was the right decision. I can't see myself being with anyone but you and I've never wanted to.”

It was Louis's turn to bite his lip, but he only did so briefly before he leaned across the table to place a kiss on Harry's lips.

“I shouldn't have tried to break up that fight,” he said.

“That's who you are,” Harry told him. “You always want to help other people, even if it's not the best thing for you.”

“We could have been back together for month s now.”

“Yeah, but we're back together now. I'll never, ever be glad that you got hurt, Lou, but I believe in fate. I was always convinced that fate brought us together and then when we broke up, I was confused as to why fate would do that to us, but now I realize that it was to bring us back together  again .”

“But why? What would be the point in that?”

“To show us how strong we are,” Harry answered. “To teach us that, no matter how bad things got while we were together and party because we were together, that it was worse when we were apart.”

“I don't know,” Louis sighed.

“I'm only confused because you seemed to be doing better after we ended,” Harry said, the thought choking him up a little. He wanted Louis to be happy, of course, even when they weren't together, but he was suddenly terrified that that hadn't been the case.

“I found some songs that I wrote after we broke up but that  I don't think  were never published by anyone,” Louis continued as he moved to set himself forwards in Harry's lap. “They were all about missing someone and…stuff...So I think I wrote them in that park that we used to go to and write together.”

With a somewhat heavy heart, Harry realized that Louis was probably right and that was probably why he had a sad feeling there. 

“I don't like that you were sad,” he said, nearly shaking from the thought of Louis feeling scared, sad and alone like Harry had once they were over. 

“It's okay,” Louis said. “The sadness can't touch me now.”

Louis was tracing Harry's jawline with his finger and only stopped to kiss him.

“Have you taken your medication, by the way?” Harry asked, wanting to be sure that Louis was right in the sadness not touching him, which he knew, or at least hoped, the pills would help.

“I take them in the evening,” Louis said. “Stop worrying about me, Haz.”

“You should know that's impossible,” Harry said, and kissed Louis again.

“Everything is going to be okay,” Louis assured him. “Better than okay, even.”

Harry smiled, having to fight back tears for what felt like the two hundredth time in the past couple of days alone.  He was just so happy that his body was having a hard time handling it, and that was okay with him.

“I love you so much,” he told Louis, and he knew that he would never be able to say it enough.

“I love you too,” Louis said, and kissed Harry yet again. 

“Where do you want to go eat for your birthday?” Harry asked, bringing the conversation back to the party again, his hands massaging the sides of Louis's thighs and, god, he'd missed him.

***

That night, when Louis made to go home but couldn't bring himself to get out of Harry's arms-even if Harry had been able to let him go-did the two decide the only logical solution would be to move in together again. Louis decided to move into Harry's place, saying he needed a fresh start.

“I don't know how much more I'll ever remember of my past,” he'd commented, “but it doesn't matter anymore because I'm focusing on the present and preparing for the future.”

When their families found out about their reconciliation, both were elated. Harry had been a little nervous, as recently, his had seemed reluctant to talk about Louis to Harry at all, but both sides helped Louis move his and Bruce's things into Harry's house and as they took a dinner break, Harry could swear he saw both of their mothers tear up  when  Louis's hand found Harry's and placed itself on top. 

***

Everyone that was invited to Louis's birthday dinner,  which was held the day before his actual birthday, showed up,  and as Louis and Harry entered the private room in the restaurant the party was being held, Anne quickly approached them, pulling her son's boyfriend into a tight hug right away.

“I know you still don't know me very well,” she said, “but you better get used to hugs now that you're back with my son.”

Louis laughed as Anne let him go and turned to hug Harry. 

“I'm assuming we have your blessing then?” the older man asked.

“This is the answer to my prayers,” Anne said, “and I know the same is true for your mother, Louis.”

When Gemma arrived, she hugged Louis as well and told him that she liked his outfit. As Harry figured, her fiance, Jesse, and Louis got along great, and before the night was even half over, Jesse had invited Louis to his bachelor party. Louis had laughed, assuring him that he would be there. Smiling, Harry took his boyfriend's hand and squeezed  it because this was going to be a thing they were going to do together now; attend parties and be known as each other's partners. One wouldn't have to sneak through the back door any longer. They wouldn't have to stay on opposite sides of the room. They could go places together, hand-in-and, and kiss each other if they wanted.

Harry always wanted to kiss Louis, so he did, right there at the table in the middle of dinner. In the past, his sister would roll her eyes and tell them to get a room when they showed displays of affection, but then she just smiled.

“Picture time!” she announced, standing from her seat.

“Gem, we're eating,” Harry said with a small laugh.

“Exactly! So we need pictures before someone gets something on their clothes!”

Louis and Harry looked at each other and shrugged before standing. Gemma had to drag her fiance away from his plate, but it was obvious he didn't really care that much and wrapped an arm around the woman's waist when Anne had positioned them in front of the fireplace on the other side of the room. In turn, Harry put his arm around his sister's shoulders, but put his other around his own  love's  waist, pulling him closer to kiss him on the cheek. 

“Aw!” Anne cooed, and she snapped a couple of pictures before giving Gemma her phone back and going to the bathroom to compose herself.

“It's perfect!” Gemma announced, showing Harry and Louis the picture, and Harry couldn't agree more. Louis was smiling; his true smile that lit up his eyes and the entire room-the smile that hadn't shown in pictures in quite some time. He was happy, and though Harry knew he couldn't take all of the credit for that, he also knew that he played a big part in it, and that felt so good considering  the recent past, when he had placed all of the blame for Louis's sadness on himself. 

“We need one by ourselves,” Louis said as Gemma and Jesse went back to their seats. Harry nodded, not able to agree more, and moved them back so they could get a good view of the fireplace and the wreath behind them. Louis wrapped his arms around Harry's neck and smiled up at the camera which Harry held up expertly. 

“Can this one go online?” Harry asked after the two admired the photo for a good half a minute.

“It would make us terrible people to not upload that for the fans,” Louis reasoned.

***

After assuring that alcohol wouldn't interfere with any of Louis's medications, Harry lifted his 'two drink' request (not a rule, because he couldn't control Louis, nor would he ever try), but Louis didn't seem interested in drinking anymore than that anyway.  Rather, he drank just enough to get on the edge of tipsy and sleepily rest his head on Harry's shoulder while talking to party guests.

Just a few minutes before closing time, people started filing out. Louis asked the restaurant staff if there was anything he could do to help them, and they of course declined, but assured him that it was sweet of him to ask. 

“So sweet,” Harry said in Louis's ear, and then kissed his jaw. Louis giggled.

“Happy almost birthday, Tommo!” Niall exclaimed, pulling Louis gently away from his boyfriend to give him a hug. When he let go, Nina took her turn, and then Zayn and Liam. 

“We all need to do something together soon,” Liam said. “We haven't done that in a while, and never since we' ve  all, you know,  been  with who we love and want to be with.” 

“We will,” Louis assured him. “How long are you two staying in London?”

“Ehm…,” Liam hummed, and Zayn smiled.

“Indefinitely,” he said. Louis quirked an eyebrow.

“We're both going to take a break for a little while,” Zayn explained. “Just enjoy being together with no restrictions or obligations, you know?”

“Trust me, I know,” Louis said, and gave his best friends all hugs again. 

***

“ Was birthday sex a  tradition ?” Louis asked, once he and Harry were finally home. Bruce was asleep in his bed and the men were in bed too; both naked and with Louis sitting on Harry's thighs, placing kisses all over his boyfriend's chest and stomach.

“Mm...mhm,” Harry mumbled, not able to do much else. 

“Hm,” Louis hummed himself, and then flipped over to lay next to Harry, leaving just one leg sliding up and down Harry's leg as he pursed his lips seductively. “I don't remember. Can you remind me how it went?” 

Harry stared at Louis, unable to believe  the absolute sexiness before him. Well, he could believe it, actually, but every time he experienced it was like the very first time.

“Jesus,” he breathed, rolling over to support himself on one arm as he placed a rough kiss to Louis's lips. “Fuck, I missed you.”

“You don't have to miss me anymore,” Louis said, sliding his hands up Harry's thighs and stopping on his hips, which he squeezed passionately. “I'm all yours.”

Removing one hand from Harry's waist, Louis pulled  the other man's face down gently so that he could place another hard kiss on his lips. His own lips traveled from Harry's down to his chin, then jawline and up to his ear, which Louis gave just a slight tease with his tongue.

“All yours,” he repeated in a sultry whisper.

***

 

“ Happy birthday, love,” Harry greeted when Louis came downstairs the next morning, and Harry would  b et at least half of his net worth that he was naked underneath the robe he was wearing.

“Thank you,” Louis said with a smile, going over to the couch and setting himself down in Harry's lap. The younger man kissed his neck and Louis turned his head to give him an even better angle. 

“Mm...ouch,” Louis said softly as Harry shifted, very turned on and ready for birthday sex: later morning edition.

“Ouch?” he asked, pulling his lips away from Louis's skin immediately. Louis smiled.

“I think my body forgot just how wonderfully rough birthday sex was,” he said. “I'm okay.”

Louis kissed Harry and Harry moved gently that time to lay Louis on the couch, supporting his own weight above the smaller man as they kept kissing. 

“I have a present for you,” Harry said into Louis's ear, leaving a n easy out for Louis if he didn't feel up for another round just yet.

“I'm sure it's wonderful,” Louis said, his voice still soft, “but how about you open your present first?”

Louis shook his robe belt and Harry raised an eyebrow, a half smirk, half smile on his face. He pulled open the belt and let the sides of the robe fall away.  Sure enough, Louis was wearing nothing beneath.

“I know it's nothing new,” Louis said. “I hope you're okay with re-gifting things to you.”

“Babe…,” Harry said, and then his words fell away. 

“We're good?” Louis verified.

“That is an understatement,” Harry said, and then worked on placing a love bite on Louis's neck, marking him as all his. 

***

The present that Harry made Louis was a scrap book of all of his favorite pictures of the two of them along with notes and sometimes paragraphs of the stories behind him. Some were of memories he'd tried to relive with Louis, such as their first concert, but others were of times that were wonderful and treasured, but which had never occurred to Harry to discuss after Louis couldn't remember anymore. Louis cried looking at it, but he assured Harry that they were good tears and so Harry just looked at the scrapbook with him, answering any questions Louis had and offering kisses when he thought they were needed.

It took quite a while to get through the scrap book, as it was much longer than Harry had imagined when the idea had first come to him, and when they had finished with the very last page, Louis shut the book gently, wiping his eyes and smiling at Harry.

“That was beautiful. Thank you.”

“You're welcome,” Harry assured him, holding his hand and stroking the skin with his thumb.

“Can I ask you for one more present; a favor?” Louis asked.

“Anything.”

“Can you make a play list of all of our songs? I mean, I'm assuming we had songs...”

“We had plenty.”

Louis nodded.

“And if there were some that we released with the band, can you add those too?”

“Some made it to our albums, and yes, I'll add them,” Harry said.

“Can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything.”

“I only  fully listened to our first two albums. They were fun and I enjoyed them, but then I tried to listen to our third and it was….different? Like, it started out  fun and everything, but then I got to one song and I just couldn't finish it. The next song was the same, so I stopped and I couldn't even bring myself to try our other albums.”

“Yeah, the third was the album where we really started to write and put out music for each other. I can make you a play list if you want. In fact, I already have a play list of all of our songs.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I've listened to it through more times than I care to admit.”

Louis smiled, bringing Harry's hand up to his lips to kiss.

“Can I listen?”

“Of course.”

Harry moved to get his laptop.

“Some of the songs you wrote, and I'm not one hundred percent sure are for me, but I feel like they are, and things you said about them before made me think that too, so...”

“I'm sure they are,” Louis said without a moment's hesitation. Harry opened his itunes, found his dramatically titled 'Lou </3' play list, changed the name to 'Lou <3' and then handed over the laptop.

“I'm going upstairs,” Louis said. “No offense, but I think this is something I want to do alone. Is that okay?”

“Okay,” Harry said, not offended at all. “Just let me know if you want or need me.”

Louis smiled, kissed Harry and then took the laptop upstairs, along with his scrapbook. Harry smiled a little to himself. He knew there would probably  be more tears involved in this; some happy and some sad, but he also knew that Louis was ready to face it all. He may end up needing him and he may not, but he would be okay; Harry was sure of it.

It took hours, but finally, Louis came out of the bedroom and found Harry playing with Bruce on the living room floor. His eyes were red and puffy, but he was smiling as he sat on a chair and watched the two.

“You good?” Harry asked, wiggling the end of the toy that was in Bruce's mouth in an attempt to get it away from the dog, only to throw it again and repeat.

“I'm good,” Louis assured him. “They're beautiful, Harry. All of them are, but especially the ones you wrote.”

Harry smiled, but shrugged.

“I have a wonderful person of inspiration,” he said. Louis said nothing, but continued to watch his boyfriend play with their dog until the canine finally grew tired and went to sleep by the Christmas tree. Harry then went up to Louis, holding out his hand and leading Louis to the couch once he took it. He didn't say anything either, just pulled Louis close to him and let him rest his head against his body until he fell asleep, worn out from crying but also from the hard work his brain was trying to do in remembering the things the scrap book and play list were trying to trigger. Maybe he would have a dream and remember something when he awoke, Harry knew, and maybe not, but either way, Louis would be fine. As unconventional as getting to that point had been, Louis and Harry were finally right where they wanted to be. 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nervous about posting this. Endings always make me nervous ;) I hope you enjoy!

_“_ _Do you ever want to get married? Like, not necessarily to me, but, like...in general…?”_

_Harry smiled at Louis, who had asked the question, though he knew the boy couldn't see it in the dark._

_“I definitely want to get married,” he answered, “and if it's to you, that's even better.”_

_Louis giggled, burying his nose into the back of Harry's neck as they lay in the younger boy's bed on the very first night in their new home; their first home._

_“What about you?” Harry returned the question._

_“Yeah, I definitely do.”_

_“And kids?”_

_“I wants lots of kids.”_

_“How many is 'lots?”_

_“I don't know. I come from a big family, obviously, and I love it. None of us ever have to really feel alone. The exact number is negotiable with my future husband, though.”_

_“Personally, I feel like four or five is a good number.”_

_“Those are both perfect numbers.”_

_Harry smiled and kissed Louis's arm, which was wrapped around his body tightly._

_“I love you, Lou.”_

_“Love you too, Haz.”_

  


“Hazza!”

Harry heard Louis's voice call out from their bedroom and sighed, checking the clock even though he had checked it only moments ago.

“What is it, babe?” he called as he made his way to the bottom of the stairs. “We need to hurry and get to the church.”

“I know! I need help!”

Wondering what in the world Louis could possibly need help with, Harry sighed again and then hurried up the stairs.

“What's the problem, love?” he asked as he rounded the corner to their bedroom, but he saw what the problem was before Louis said anything, and then he couldn't help but to laugh.

“Oh, babe.”

“You know, I kept most of my knowledge and skills of the world when I banged up my crown, but I somehow forgot how to tie a tie,” Louis explained unnecessarily.

“I see that,” Harry said, stepping forward with a small smile still on his face. He freed the tie from the chaotic knot that Louis had managed to get it in and did it himself. Once it was done, he patted his boyfriend's chest and leaned down to give him a kiss on the lips.

“So handsome,” he said. Louis smiled. “Sorry if I sounded impatient,” Harry continued, feeling bad even though he had tried not to let his panic show much.

“It's okay,” Louis assured him. “You were right; I should have gotten in the shower much earlier.”

“You couldn't help it. You didn't feel good. How is your headache, by the way?”

“Much better,” Louis said with a smile. “I'm good, Haz. Now let's go see your sister get married!”

  


***

The ceremony was beautiful. Harry knew it would be, and he thought he had built himself up emotionally well enough, but once his mom started crying-which was as soon as Gemma said 'I do,'- Harry lost it too. From the audience, Louis puckered his lips and blew a kiss. Harry smiled and turned back to the others, blinking back the worst of his tears.

Like the ceremony, the reception was gorgeous, but it was relaxed enough to finally let individuals pull themselves together.

“That wedding was so flawless,” Louis commented as he and Harry half-danced to some new pop song that Harry knew to be one of Gemma's favorites.

“You're flawless,” Harry returned, smiling as his eyes took in his boyfriend, tinted purple by the above strobe lights.

“You're a cheese ball,” Louis said, but then gave Harry a kiss. “I'm serious though. I've never seen a wedding go smoothly. Actually, the only weddings I remember seeing have been in movies, but shit always goes down. This was...This was what movies should be made of.”

“Hollywood has a flare for the dramatics,” Harry reasoned, taking Louis's hands and putting them around his own neck. “Sometimes life creates better art.”

Louis smiled and then stood on his tiptoes to give his boyfriend yet another kiss.

“I'm going to the bathroom,” he said. “I'll be back in a couple.”

“Alright.”

Louis went off and Harry watched him go. It didn't matter that he was only going to be gone for a short amount of time, using the restroom; Harry missed him. Maybe it was stupid and maybe it made him a “cheese ball,” but he had spent so much sacred time away from Louis that every moment together now was precious and cherished.

He didn't have time to sulk, though, because he was soon distracted by an armful of sister.

“Hello, beautiful bride!” Harry greeted, holding onto Gemma until she was settled onto her feet on the floor.

“Hi,” she said, and her smile had never been wider, as far as Harry had seen, but there was a glint in her eye as well. Harry smiled.

“Aww, are you finally getting emotional now?”

“Shut up. Maybe.”

Harry laughed, but rubbed the woman's arms soothingly.

“It's okay. It's a big day; a huge day.”

“I know,” Gemma said with a wet laugh as she carefully wiped her eye. “It should have been you first.”

“What do you mean?” Harry asked, tilting his head, confused.

“You should have been married before me. You found your love first. It would only be fair.”

“Gem, are you drunk?” the man asked, laughing slightly. “That doesn't matter. You found your soul mate and you married him. I found mine and...I'll marry him some day. I know it.”

Gemma's smile, which had faltered a bit, grew again.

“And when you pop the question, or he does, I have to be the first one you tell, yes?”

“Of course.”

“Good.”

Gemma lifted herself to place a kiss on Harry's cheek.

“Now dance with me.”

***

Louis was still remembering some things, slowly. The memories came at random. He would think of a name and later find out it was a childhood friend who he didn't even talk to anymore. He would remember a place and learn that it was one of the many spots the boys had visited while on tour. He would remember a lyric to a song that, to everyone else's knowledge, hadn't been particularly special to him in anyway. Some days, he remembered nothing at all. No matter what, he stayed positive. Harry figured he had been telling the truth; he was done living in the past. Sure, he was happy when he did realize that he knew something that he hadn't been aware of yesterday, but if nothing came, he was fine.

***

“I can't believe we're _finally_ going on a lads vacation.”

“Well, Li, we really had no choice when your Christmas present to the lot of us were plane tickets to Jamaica.”

Liam smiled.

“You could have returned them.”

Louis rolled his eyes, but set his carry-on bag down to wrap his friend in a hug anyway.

“Of course we wouldn't return them, you oaf.”

***

Harry didn't know why Liam couldn't have picked to vacation somewhere with a shorter travel distance, but the May weather was nice enough and no one complained during the never-ending plane ride or afterward, when they were all a bit jet lagged.

They were to be in Jamaica for nine days, so all of the men let themselves sleep for the first day. For Louis and Harry, much of the time spent in bed wasn't for sleeping, but, regardless, it was refreshing.

On the second day, the friends had lunch on the pier and then went to the beach for a game of volleyball. Harry's team was naturally losing, as Harry's only goal was to prevent the ball from hitting Louis in the head; a goal which he failed at anyway when Nina undershot and recreated with Louis a scene akin to the one in _Freaky Friday_ _._ Harry gasped as Louis fell to the ground with an 'oof.'

“I'm so sorry!” Nina exclaimed, her voice an octave higher than normal. “Oh my god, Louis, are you alright?!”

“Holy shit,” Louis said as Harry helped him sit up, a glazed-over look in his eye.

“What?” Harry asked, his heart pounding. “What is it?!”

“I remember now,” Louis said.

“Remember what?”

“Everything.”

There was silence, the group all looking at each other, various expressions of concern and confusion on their faces.

“...Really?” Niall finally spoke. Louis blinked his eyes back to normal, looking at Niall like he was an idiot.

“No, of course not, Niall. You lot are so gullible.”

“Not funny, Lou,” Zayn groaned, going back to his side of the net and letting himself be dipped into a kiss by his boyfriend.

On day three, the friends went zip-lining, visited a waterfall and then, later, went to a nightclub.

Day four consisted of the couples taking time for themselves, and Louis and Harry decided to take tour of the island.

“Do I get seasick?” Louis asked as the two climbed aboard the boat.

“Nope, you're safe, babe,” Harry assured him, resting a hand on his boyfriend's back as they found a couple of seats. Louis, however, wasn't the type to stay seated and still, and he soon made his way to look over the side of the boat. Harry joined him. Louis moved his eyes to him and smiled, and, even though he had this beautiful island in front of him, he took Harry's arm and traced over his boat tattoo for the thousandth time.

“I actually think this is my favorite,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I like them all, but...yeah. You really are my boat. A never-failing boat. An unsinkable boat. Like _Titanic_. Except actually, you know, unsinkable.”

Harry laughed, moving away a piece of hair that was stuck on Louis's forehead due to sweat.

“I think you've been in the sun too long.”

He had been mostly joking, but Louis suddenly dropped his arm and looked up at Harry, his face a bit ashen despite the tan he'd been working on.

“I might vomit,” he said.

“Umm,” Harry stammered, looking around, somewhat panicked. “Do you want me to see if someone can pull the boat up somewhere or…?”

“No,” Louis said with a small laugh. “Sorry, I'm...um...I'm actually fine. Just nervous.”

“Nervous?”

Harry frowned, cupping Louis's face in his hands as he studied his face to check if he really looked okay.

“You never had a problem on the water before, babe. You're going to be fine, I promise. I won't let anything happen to you.”

“I know.”

Louis sighed.

“Okay, so, I had this speech thought up about you being my boat and also my life vest, light house and everything else that can save my life, but it's failing me at the moment. So, um, Harry?”

“Yes…?”

Louis was acting so strange and Harry was so confused. Perhaps he was actually getting heat stroke.

“I've, um, I've always wanted to get married on the beach, you know? I mean, I think I have.”

“Yeah,” Harry said, smiling a little. “We always talked about a beach wedding.”

Louis swallowed and then nodded, almost as if to himself.

“So let's do it.”

“Okay,” Harry said with a slight laugh. Louis didn't return it.

“I'm serious.”

Reaching into his pocket, Louis pulled out a jewelry box and opened it to show Harry a set of matching wedding bands. The younger man gasped, his mouth hanging open as he looked at the gold rings wordlessly. Surely, Louis was playing a joke on him or...or _something_. In his head, Harry had always been the one proposing, and if Louis actually was asking him to marry him, that wouldn't be a problem and he would say yes, of course, but...was this actually happening?

“I love you,” Louis said when Harry didn't say anything. Finally, he came to his senses, his fingers grazing over the rings' metal.

“I love you too,” Harry said. “But are...are you actually proposing to me?”

“I'm trying to,” Louis said with a laugh. “I'm doing a piss poor job of it, I admit.”

“No, no, no!” Harry said quickly, barely able to breathe. “You're doing it perfectly. This is...it's perfect, Lou.”

Being careful not to jar the man and make him drop the box overboard, Harry pulled his love's head forward and leaned down to give him a kiss.

“So...Harry…,” Louis said, his muscles relaxing as a small smile placed itself upon his face, “you're ready to be Harry Tomlinson-Styles?”

“More than ready,” Harry said, and, yep, those were tears on his cheeks. To be fair, Louis might be about to cry too; Harry couldn't tell with his sunglasses.

“More than ready?” Louis asked, one eyebrow quirking up.

“Yes.”

“So...if I suggested that we run off and have a private wedding soon, while on vacation, you wouldn't say I was nuts?”

“Oh, babe, you're definitely nuts,” Harry teased, “but I like it.”

“Yeah?” Louis asked.

“Yeah,” Harry assured him. Though, just that morning, or even, in fact, twenty minutes ago, he had no idea that there was to be a wedding between him and Louis in the foreseeable future, now that he knew, he suddenly found that he couldn't wait any longer. He continued,

“As soon as this boat docks, we're going to find somewhere and figure out what we have to do in order to be able to be married within the next four days; to have a beautiful wedding ceremony that is...”

Harry trailed off and smiled to himself as he leaned down to whisper in Louis's ear,

“For our eyes only.”

Louis looked up at Harry, his mouth opening and closing slightly as he tried to find something to say.

“Shit,” he finally breathed. “I have salt water in me eye.”

Harry laughed warmly, but gave Louis time as the older man slipped the jewelry box back into his pants and walked off, rubbing his eyes. Sighing, content, Harry rested his hands on the ledge of the boat and leaned over, looking out into the water but seeing tuxedos and wedding bells instead. He knew that, eventually, they would have to-and want to-tell everybody that they were married and that, when they did, they would get a lot of shit for making such a huge life event so private for so long, but he didn't care.

Besides, Harry and Louis were pretty good at keeping secrets, and, as long as it was on their terms, Harry really didn't mind it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read this whole fic! Your support means a lot to me :)

**Author's Note:**

> The plan right now is to post on Sundays (besides today, which is obviously a Monday), and since I wrote a little in advance, I will be posting twice a week (Sunday and Thursday) for two or three weeks until I catch up to myself. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, and continue to enjoy it if you decide to read on!


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